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1. Revenge is a dish best served...sticky.. The day started like any other: I arrived to work via the Hell Gate that my end users both fear and occasionally leave offerings of baked goods to appease me with, I purchased a bottle of carbonated hyperactivity, and I sat down at my desk, casually looking over my list of people in dire need of abuse. Pretty much your average morning. Until I leaned forward to check my emails, and my hand came in contact with... ...a mouse. Now I say a mouse instead of MY mouse, because what was in my hand was decidedly not *MY* mouse. It was the standard, black, run-of-the-mill end user model made for peasants, casual users, and people too afraid to abuse the purchase catalog. MY mouse is a Razer Deathadder that pulses with a soothing blue light to convey how much it missed my touch, not this cheap chunk of molded mediocrity used to remind the End User of exactly how hopeless their cubicle dwelling lives are. Which means not only was someone in my Fortress of Solitude without the permission that I never grant, but that they thought that they could actually steal my precious without me going all Smeagol on their ass. Oh no. Oh NO no no. Morning logs, production reports and server status be damned - there was a thief in my kingdom, and an example had to be made before the villagers grew brazen and began expecting me to actually fix things. Scouting the normal hotbeds of dumbassery, it didn't take me long to spot my poor kidnapped mouse softly glowing for help from the depths of a manager's office. Pushing past his receptionist without so much as glancing at her always full candy dish, I made my way into his office and quickly reclaimed what was mine... ...only to be met at the door by the woman I had just sidestepped. "Oh, hi! He tried to call you last night but you went home for the day! He spilled coffee on his keyboard and mouse and needed a new one, so I let him into your office. That's okay, right?" She added quickly, probably because I was snorting smoke out of my nose like a cartoon minotaur. "OH! He just needs a new mouse and keyboard?" I laughed lightly, setting her at ease. "I'll be RIGHT back!" I grinned what I thought was a friendly smile, but judging from her reaction probably closely resembled Jack Nicholson's head coming through a door via axe-hole. Stomping to my lair, I moved to the back of the data center where I kept IT. The beast I had never unleashed. The demon contained within... THE KEYBOARD OF PUNISHMENT. Once, long ago there was an End User of legendary disgust. She was a large, dirty, obnoxious woman who judging by appearance, washed her hands carefully in dog shit before eating every meal at her desk, using her keyboard as a makeshift plate in her haste to consume babies, kittens, or whatever the hell sustained her generous mass. When she was finally let go, I had to reclaim her cubicle and all technologies within. Normally, keyboards and mice in this condition do not pass GO and go directly in the trash. But this thing was so epically disgusting, I had to save it - first to show other techs in an effort to gross them out - but then, as a weapon that I thought I would never, EVER have to use. Until now. Battling the dragon and the three-headed dog that I have guarding such a powerful artifact, and using napkins as protective hand gear, I reclaimed the KEYBOARD OF PUNISHMENT (and the matching MOUSE OF DOOM) and retraced my steps back to the thief's office. Carefully I swapped out the keyboard and connected the mouse, making sure to perfectly rearrange everything on his desk so that nothing appeared to be disturbed to ensure as much touchage-before-realization as possible. Grabbing a handful of chocolate from the receptionist's desk, I stalked back to my kingdom to await a bevy of delicious screams mingled with anguish and disgust. The screams I knew would come. The screams of defeat. ....touch MY stuff.... -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments That. Was. Epic. -AmazingKreskin I.LOVE.you -CathyV I am still fairly new her Coyote but I have gone back and read your site and on here I have read your sotries and they are always of such caliber it makes me cry a little....Well done sir....Not that my words may mean anything to you but well done.... -0gr3 5.9....5.9....5.8....5.9 from the Latvian judge.... -Gromit Epic epic epic! If there is any follow-up on this, DO please share it with us. I'll provide popcorn. -Seamyst bravo -Hawk Fantastic as always coyote! -starfishmagnet Can't wait for part 2, when they fail to comprehend why it was wrong to take something that a) wasn't set aside for issue to the general masses, and b) that even if it HAD been for mass issuance, it wasn't theirs to just take, no matter how you look at it. Keep us updated! -MadJack *Bows to the Coyote* We're not worthy... We're not worthy.... -duckhead Halfway through the story (somehow having missed the name of the author), I verbally supposed, "This MUST be Coyote.". And I was right. Bravo, sir! -Seamus can't wait for part 2.... -kennz It's worth lurking here when you occasionally hit paydirt. Now, If we can only get the DigitalDogcow to post again. -scooby111 Classic....truly classic! Thanks for being as entertaining as always. Now, what type of "punishment" will there be for the secretary/receptionist who made the unfortunate mistake of allowing the mangler access to your abode? -TubPorsche I wanna ne... YOUR mouse! -CyBear I don't remember Coyote's stories having a "to be continued" before... -Spyder19 Almost a week off, just catching up on some reading and BAM! Another Coyote classic...nicely done, as always. -PTSTech *APPLAUSE* Teach me, master...! -Dreamstalker Coyote you are my hero ;) that was priceless.... that oh so sounds like something that I would do BFEG -THETECHFROMHELL Oh mighty and powerful Coyote - we bow to your demonstration of power, for truly, thou art the mast er of thy kingdom, and the punishment was fitting. May we all take lessons from this that we may also be so divine in ruling our very own domains. -Enzedder

2. Dear God, I killed a man. (A follow up) As my anger from having been stolen from subsided, sated by the warm embrace of cruel vengeance, curiosity got the best of me. The Keyboard of Punishment had been deployed without mercy hours ago, and yet the bittersweet payload of dawning comprehension followed by soul crushing screams never came. There was no storming of my castle walls, no indignant rage, and no Lady Macbeth inspired scrubbing of the hands to wash away phantom blood and chewed cookie crumbs. Nothing. And it was BOTHERING me. What fun is it to deploy a ridiculous overkill in the name of revenge if the person you're smiting like a vengeful God doesn't realize he's being punished? What lesson is learned if the guilty don't know that they've been sentenced? What the fuck was going on? Out of equal parts chocolate and patience, I decided to take a stroll back towards the den of the thief I had punished earlier. Perhaps he called in sick, or maybe in a fit of defiance, he had thrown his keyboard into the trash and refused to work. These things would explain why I hadn't heard so much as a "The flesh, it burns..." coming from his side of the building, and offer a bit of comfort. Rounding the corner to his office, I noted that not only was his door wide open, but there he was... ...at his desk... ...enjoying his lunch. With what seemed to be a time-slowed motion brought to a visual crawl by the sheer horror before me, I watched helplessly as he licked his fingers, typed a few words, then picked up his sandwich and resumed eating. Sweet Jesus, I've killed me a man. There he was. Sitting right at his desk, happily munching on a sandwich as he typed away on a keyboard that I once used to chase a trainee around the data center - and not in the mirthful way. Not in a "Haha, gross keyboard." way. In a screaming, ducking "Seriously Dude, I will HIT YOU if that thing touches me!" kind of way. And I actually felt...a little bad. I must have been standing there too long, my eyes transfixed in horror at the sight before me, because after what seemed to be infinity plus one, he looked out of his office and caught my eye. "Hey. How do I get one of those blue mouses like you have?" He asked between bites of food, actually saying the word "mouses". The question itself erased any human weakness or feeling of guilt that was invading my body, and I quickly returned to my senses and offered a smile. "Are you color blind?" I asked cheerfully as I watched him lick mayonnaise (OH GOD LET IT BE MAYONAISE) off of his hand. "No....why?" Came his reply as he reached for more food. "Oh, those are only for colorblind people. They can't see the red lasers, so the mouse doesn't work for them." I explained, wondering absently how much longer he had to live. He seemed to mull my answer over for a moment before shrugging and turning back to his computer screen as I helped myself to more of the chocolate at his receptionist's desk. As I walked away, I heard a slight cough coming from his office and chalked it up to him not chewing his food... ...and not to the fact that because of me and the Keyboard of Punishment, the needle on his gauge-of-life was rapidly dropping to "E". -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments I was amused at the usual level I get from your stories. But the moment I read "(OH GOD LET IT BE MAYONAISE)", I cracked. I suddenly had an image of a prophet of Nurgle performing the same action as this would-be Jack of Shadows. -Seamus ROTFLMAO. I'd sanitize your mouse and reconsider eating anything that's been within 100 feet of him. You ate candy from his receptionist's desk? From the same jar he's recently stuck his grubby mitt into?? -scooby111 Some starfish don't need killin. They kill themselves. -atomicbill Scooby has a point. I can only hope those chocolates are individually wrapped. -Seamyst Maybe you're all lucky, and the various pathogens present on the keyboard, nay, throughout the office, tend to be like matter and anti-matter, as they negate each other. Hopefully, though, the reaction is less like a detonation than a "pffffft..." to be confused with their inevitable gas-passing. -Voz *applause* -Grue Looks like that whole "nobody survives the contest" part might be more than just a sig... -Spyder19 BWAHAAHAA!!!! Love how you were going to feel a bit bad 'til he reminded you that he was, indeed, a 'fish that needed killin' anyhow. -PTSTech Jizzy Pop Keyboard--hold the mayo. -vacuumtubes Another Epic Coyote Tale. You are too funny dude, glad that you graced us with some new material -THETECHFROMHELL hehehehe SOOOO nicely evil!!! "We're not worthy!!" ;) -MadJack Ahahahahaa! Wonderfully evil, and do I detect some manager self-pwnage? -Dreamstalker <DotA> RAMPAGE!! ULTRA KILL!!! </DotA> -kennz I was quietly giggling, until "mayonaise, oh god let it be mayonaise".... then I lost it. My friend can't stop laughing either. and we're both eating huge sandwiches. -AdmiralLaurie

3. You deleted my deleted files! “Smart side of the phone, Coyote speaking, NOW what did you break?� I answered the ever screaming phone in a company approved (**pending) standard greeting. “Um…hi Coyote! I have an easy one for you!� The user laughs in response, but I don’t echo his joy. Not even a little bit. I learned long ago what the End User considers “easy� is either: A) Impossibly hard, but they saw it on an episode of CSI, and it only took them a commercial break to do it, or… B) Impossibly retarded, completely their fault, and about to ruin your fucking day. And judging by the user’s name blinking on the phone’s display, I was courting A), with a hand up B)’s blouse and promising to call the next day. Damn it. Assuring them that I’ll be over to check out their problem in a “minute or two�, I hit every candy dish in the building and throw a couple of flirty comments to the chick with the cleavage whose printer always seems to go offline whenever I’m in the neighborhood. Go figure. Finally arriving at Destination Dumbass, I track down the caller and ask them to clearly explain their problem, because it made no sense over the phone and I’m hoping that face-to-face will shed some light on the issue. “You guys deleted my deleted files, so I need them back.� He answered cheerily, oblivious to my “What the FUCK are you talking about?� look. “What the FUCK are you talking about?� I asked flatly, because I hate it when people are oblivious to their own dumbassery. Seems that Stephen Hawkings here has been using his Windows Recycle Bin for FILE storage because, and I quote: “It is so much easier to hit delete on a file than try to save it somewhere, because with one button, I know right where it is!� I’ll let that sink in for a moment. Super Genius here is using his TRASHBIN for *STORAGE*. Problem is, we don’t do tape backups of the recycle bin. We hit the main directories, a couple of places morons drop data, and personal drives. The Recycle Bin? Not so much, and since we have defaults that purge after a month… …someone is about to be especially unhappy. “Can’t you get them from TAPE or something?� My now less that jovial user asks, his eyes going wide in contrast to his exceptionally red face. I explain, slowly, that because he deleted the files, the files went to the deleted folder, and now have actually been deleted. “But I DIDN’T DELETE THEM! I just DELETED THEM!� He argues frantically, pointing out that he even renamed the Recycle Bin “Saved Files�. Now normally, I’d be thinking about how to help out this runner in the Special Olympics, because it isn’t HIS fault that his torch isn’t lit. OLK folders, temp files, places where copies of some stuff could be hiding come rushing to mind… …and leave as quickly as they arrive as the user indignantly informs me that: “This is YOUR fault. If you made it easier to save stuff, we wouldn’t have to delete it in order to find it! You should make some sort of button that saves your stuff to a folder.� “Like a SAVE button?� I ask sarcastically. “YES!� He replies as if *I* were suddenly the one born with fetal alcohol syndrome. Clap clap, hands clear, I’m out. Apologizing for a lack of save buttons, but reminding the user that he brought this on himself, I excuse myself from the conversation, angering him further as I refuse to admit my share of guilt in his misadventures. “This isn’t just MY fault!� He yells after me, but we both know that it is, and as I round the corner, I head towards the data center to accidentally lose whatever old backups we have that could in anyway help. Because if you can’t be a Hero, sometimes being the Villain can feel just as good. -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Well told & all too familiar. We just had a user lose everything in the Temp files directory because we cleaned out the accumulated grot that made her machine slow. Yeah, she saved everything important to Temp. -Tekkie You gotta wonder what they put in their recycle bin at home. "Why did you put leaky soda cans on the mortgage papers?!" -Mushroom "I didn't delete them, I just deleted them?" *facepalm* That makes about as much sense as me having any money in my savings account. -KrazerKap "Sir, you are *far* too fucking stupid to use a computer. Here is your new workstation." *hands Dumbass McShitstick a Speak'N'Spell* -Seamus Some things are just TOO true to be funny. ;) -ChasingPuck He renamed his recycle bin? Vista or 7 then? IIRC, XP requires a regedit for that. -linuxmatt The same type who keep all their "important" and "must save" emails in the, you guessed it, Deleted Items folder. Why? Because it's easier than creating a folder and dragging it over. I finally got through to one of 'em when i held up the trash can and told them throw their wallet in there. Why? Well, cuz your money's important, so keep it in the trash. (Dumb fsks) -TheNator I can't.... no, I can't fathom this. why the hell doesn't he hit ctrl+s, apple+s, etc? it's a few keyclicks, naming the file something meaningful and you're back to pr0n surfing and naughty google searches with the lights out! -AdmiralLaurie You're my hero :) -Spyder19 Fortunately, in my 4.43 years at "Fat Actress" I've only encountered something like this once. And that call pretty much ended with my pointing out, "You saved things in your deleted items folder, then were surprised they got deleted?" I actually heard the light go on with, "I guess that's not a good place to keep things I need to save, huh?" Duh, ya think? -Captain Trips Oh, and since no one else has, I'll do it. HEY EVERYBODY! COYOTE'S BACK!!! Gather 'round! -Captain Trips I see this far to often at place of employment... I have encountered too many people who set Outlook to clear their deleted items on close and have important emails in there....On of these days I will click yes on that delete just to watch them cry.... -0gr3 That reminds me of the day we had the Exchange server filling up and deleted all the trash folders. Then started coming all the phone calls of people losing their "saved emails" folder. Sigh -ProfessorFrink Been there, done that... http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=58616 Welcome back, Coyote. -Gromit It's GOOD ta be da.... waitaminnit, not with fishies like that. WB anyhoo! -MadJack Thanks to Seamus I now have this going through my head. "Wrong. The correct spelling of 'user' is S-T-U-P-I-D. User!" -minchazo I love the idea of holding up the trashcan and asking the luser to put their wallet in it. Welcome back, Coyote, we missed you! -SalParadise *applaud*, with a side order of "we feel your pain"... -Diptera Another user stuck on stupid -THETECHFROMHELL

4. Freezing Hot. It is a well documented fact among the cattle here that if we lose utility power, we lose non-critical systems. Of course, in office lingo, "non-critical systems" mean heat in the wintertime, and AC in the summertime, which honestly isn't as bad as it sounds. We sit in the middle of a building, so we never freeze or roast, but the end users being union - they know the rules well; so when they came in this morning to the building generator running, they KNEW we didn't have utility power. The problem is - we did and we do. Due to a UPS issue we're running in tandem so that in the event of a utility flicker we DON'T lose power to the critical systems. However, all heaters and utilities are still in full effect. But the cattle don't know this, and to illustrate how "cold" they are so that they can go home when too many people get "cold", they've all donned hats and coats and mittens, which is by itself funny - but when you add that I've been slowly raising the heat in the building to a balmy 82 degrees... ...is down right fucking hysterical. As I write this, I have a bunch of classically trained actors who believe they are dying of hypothermia sweating their asses off and wringing out sweat soaked gloves. Hello, my name is Coyote, and I am an Evil Admin. [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Nice but ... Who the fsck are you ? < Evil Grin > Welcome back ! -Necros There's nothing I love more than loading TSC in the morning to find a Coyote tale. Bravo as always. -LazyLemming "It's GOOD to be da Coyote!" </obligatory> -MadJack Start a betting pool on how many people go home 'sick' because they're dehydrated from sweating it all out, or because they're sick from the smell of a whole bunch of sweaty 'cold' people. -teivrann Woo-hoo! Lurking finally paid off!! -scooby111 So, you had to come back, where else would this be appreciated? Hoping for more! -Divinar @Coy - Man, where have you been. Still REALLY missing your old blog. Now your "newer" blog on hammer hasn't had any new posts in a long time? What gives man? We need entertainment. -BarmanVarn /bows before the evilosity of the Coyote -Diptera Most people stay out of my front room. Why? It's a constant 85 degrees. It's toasty. And that's how I like it. This story made me laugh and laugh hard! -AdmiralLaurie **APPLAUSE** Yay! Welcome back! -Seamus Welcome back, indeed! It's sad to see that your TTH blog is empty, but seeing you post here is quite a win as well! -Grue Tell them to go out and buy another coal scuttle and to do so before they dot another "i". -Biosynthetic Ha! Love the story. And welcome back! -Seamyst "Dear Loving Staff: As you were all needing mittens and coats in an 82-degree building, I have suggested to management that we dispense with air conditioning entirely come July and August. The money this will save our company will be set aside to buy booze and whores for a CEO you will never meet." -linkv *applauds* welcome back dude! *bows before the evilness that is Coyote* we are not worthy........ -rosemetal Welcome back, whenever I hear "Coyote" I think about http://www.tentonhammer.com/node/48937 and have an evil little chuckle. -AussieFoot If the heat does go off, just overclock the Northwood and Prescott P4s. They will provide enough heat to warm the building. -Wraith556 Thank you Coyote :) -Spyder19 That bat story from so long ago was my first intro to the Coyote. -BarmanVarn man - know whats ALost as funny? being in California in December.. nice 60 70 degress.. watching the locals walk around in mittens wollen hats and coats. While the canuck is walking around in cut off' a tshirt and sun glasses - giben it was -30 when i left my place 3 days ago. -Harm Heh yes, you ARE evil...where you been mate? -lineswine I'll consider a post from the Coyote as a b'day present for me. Welcome back -PoglaTheGrate How very cool is this to see The Coyote is back in all his glory. "I'm not worthy." LOL welcome back and thanks for the great laugh;) -THETECHFROMHELL I have a theory that Coyote posts so rarely so he'll be showered with all these accolades. Welcome back, all the same! -DarthIndy WOOOOOT!!! Coyote is back!!!! -JoeLugian

5. Jane, you ignorant SLOT... "Tech services, Coyote speaking - the F in problem stands for fun!" I answer the ever ringing phone of death with as much enthusiasm as I can muster. "There is no F in problem..." The stupid end of the phone chimes. "Then why'd ya call?" I grin at my own stupid joke as I wait for the humor to sink in. They don't get it. And rather than explain it to them, over and over again, I ask them what the issue is. A slot loading CD-Rom tray will no longer accept CD's. Guh. I hate those friggin' things. At least with a nice tooth-tray ROM you can SEE what broke. When a slot loader breaks, it breaks for good, and its secrets are forever hidden behind the stupid little felt curtains where you feed the disc. Grabbing the magic bag and a couple parts, I head down to the user's area in what I am praying will be a quick swap and pop. Ignoring the user's diagnosis of the issue, I grab the unit to investigate, only to notice the lip of a CD sticking out of the curtain. Grabbing it with the tweezers it takes a LOT of effort, but it eventually slides out. And another one pops into view. ....what the? "How many frigging CD's did you stuff in this thing?" I ask the user in disbelief as I dislodge the second disc only to be greeted by a third. Now, in most cases the user will lie. They'll say that they didn't do it, someone told them to do it, or that they just magically found it like that - but this user? "Four. And that last one went in HARD. I had to hold the machine and use the back of a stapler to get it in there!" She says proudly with a grin as if I should marvel at her ingenuity under pressure. I want to marvel her in the fucking head with a stapler. Turns out on her first attempt, the disk went in, but missed the track. Rather than report it - she decided to try a second, a third, then a FOURTH CD, using the logic of "Well, ONE of them should work", as she explained it to me. I was stunned. FOUR cd's in a slot loading CD tray. "ONE. These hold ONE disc at a TIME." I scolded angrily, my tone adding the words "YOU FUCKING MORON" because I couldn't say them. "Well if I had a DVD burner like I asked for, it would have held MORE and I wouldn't have had this problem!" She countered with her own annoyance, momentarily stunning me with her Bizarro-World parody of logic. "Are the discs going to be okay at least? I have REAL work to do." She adds haughtily as I stand there slack jawed and blinking. Barely containing my anger, I snap up all four discs and toss them into the magic bag. "Newp. All the data fell off of them. I'm going to have to recover the core files on each hive structure before they can be used or we'll risk cross-contamination." I lie as I throw big and scary technical sounding terms at her. "Great. How long will that take?" She asks, still annoyed. "About a week." I shrug as I head back to my lair, her trove of discs never to be seen again. Let them serve as a warning to the rest of the users out there. There's a new tech rule in town. If you're too stupid to use the technology, we're going to start taking it back. We're taking it ALL back. -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments as always - awsome.. we'll take it back by force if it comes to it! even if it doesn't! -Harm ... on the bright side, she must do incredible things with more than one man a the same time. <BEFG> ... <WTF?! Burrkiss! Stop channeling me!> -TheGhost Owtch. Just. Just fucking ouch. -Seamus O.o When did MCB start working at your company? -Dragones Dare we hope there might be more than just work-related files on them? (VEG) -MadJack For years I've said "You gotta be smarter that the machine you're using." That is a problem for a lot of people. -atomicbill I can actually see the starfish logic here... follow along for a moment. "I have a cd player at home that holds five disks, so the cd I have in my computer must also be able to hold five disks." Gah... the stupid! It burns!!! -VoiceOfSanity 1 DVD = 7 CDs so I can put 7 CDs in my DVD player right? -Flappy that's just...wow, and people wonder why we have contempt for our users. -Phylok Replace disc return mechanism with something a bit more powerful . . . oooh, like a rail-gun. Connect launch control to facial recognition software and a spycam. SF peers in slot bzzzzt-thunk, problem solved. Even the densest thinking can be penetrated by a CD launched at escape velocity. -AussieFoot I am sitting here, stunned into silence. I can't even laugh or cry at the stupidity. I'm going to bed. -AdmiralLaurie That was funny, but, could you stop deleting my posts on TTH, I mean, WTF dude? -Spyder19 You contain your anger very well Coyote. If it were me I would have pulled the drive out of the machine and beat her with it. -Forte I havent seen something that dumb since floppy drives were all the rage. I was called BACK into work one night to fix a broken FDD. It wouldn't read the 2nd disc...because it was on top of the first one, and the "other" second disc they tried. -Crashville

6. iPhoney... "Tech Services, Coyote speaking, how may I take your order?" I answered the abuse line in my most peppy "fast food server" voice as I did my best to give the impression that I truly cared. "Hey Coyote...can you help me out? I dropped my new iPhone and now the touch screen doesn't work." The reply came in tones that reminded me of nails on a chalkboard. I hate recognizing the user's voice because that means that they are on site and that I have to get out of my chair and actually help them. "I'll be right there." I said with a sigh as I hung up without waiting for an answer. I would have said something characteristically pithy or abusive, but the fact that I had to actually work had sapped my will to live. Sighing in self pity, I picked up my kit and headed towards the doorway to the Special Olympics. The user was one of my regular morons, and whoever gave him a fucking iPhone was going to have their private cell phone number added to every "help me" FAQ that we put out. Giving morons technology just makes more work for the tech, who never appreciates it. iPhones should be earned, not bought - and until you prove that you can be trusted with beepy buttoned things, you should be stuck with pen and fucking paper. Defeated, I rounded the corner to meet my MENSA applicant, and held out my hand for his phone. "The touch screen doesn't work." He offered as he handed me his iPhone. "I thought Macs were supposed to be better than PCs." he chuckled good naturedly as I silently prayed for his death by angry gerbil. Looking down at the device in my hand, I used all of my technical skill and god-given ability to instantly diagnose the problem. "This is a blackberry." I pointed out, holding up the device. "The 8830's don't HAVE touch screens." I added, offering it back to him. I fucking *hate* my users. "No it isn't." Came his devastating rebuttal as he shied away from the offered phone like I was trying to hand him a bag of hissing spiders. .... .... Holding up the blackberry in question I pointed to the Verizon logo on the upper corner and smiled as patiently as I could. "See where it says Verizon? Or this little label that says blackberry? iPhones don't usually have those." I said through clenched teeth as I again tried to hand back the phone. He wouldn't take it, and instead looked at me skeptically as if I were trying to get out of work. "Okay, but why doesn't the touch screen work then?" He asked, his face telling me that he had convinced himself that I was now caught in an epic lie. "Because the 8830 doesn't HAVE a touch screen. It is just a friggin' cell phone." I explained, trying one last time to hand it back to him. He didn't take it. That's three strikes. "Nuh uh." He countered in a display of startling wit. "It should have like email and stuff on it. Right? So I can check messages and go to the internets?" He pointed out, catching me in my half-truth. Feigning confusion I looked at the blackberry and one by one hid every icon and shortcut until only the cell phone option remained visible. "Hmmmm...that's weird." I added with a tone of suspicion to my voice as I glanced at him, narrowing my eyes. "It should have a touch screen AND e-mail, but it doesn't. Have you been messing with the settings?" I asked, immediately setting him on edge. If you want the ball back in your court, imply that the user has done something wrong - they'll instantly proclaim their innocence and be more than willing to help, because no one likes to get in trouble. "I...I dropped it." He admitted with wide eyes that went even wider as I feigned both shock and horror. "...shit." I swore under my breath. "When you dropped it, the touch screen must have broke and the e-mail fell out." I sighed looking back up at him. "I'll get you a new phone, but these things cost a couple thousand dollars. They're going to freak." I admitted as if I were reluctant to report it. He looked like he was about to swallow his own face. "Y-you know...I only really use it as a phone." He admitted nervously. "If...if that still works, I can just use it like that and not worry about the touch screen and e-mail." He said slyly, with a hint of ready to shit himself. I looked around as if making a drug deal and leaned in close and in a hushed voice asked him if he was sure. He insisted that he was and that he didn't even really want the thing, he just needed a cell phone. I pretended to consider it before offering him a sly smile of my own. "I was never here, and we never had this discussion." I grinned as relief washed over his face. Walking away he let out a sigh as I headed back to my lair. Make ME fucking work will you... -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Epic -Bynar There went my ability to work on my book, I can't quit laughing long enough. LMAO! -AdmiralLaurie Epic Evil... -vacuumtubes Another classic! -Gunpe It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This iPhone is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet Its maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, It rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, It's shuffled off Its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-IPHONE!! -ChildofCthulhu Brilliant! -Ramblin Move over Simon, Coyote's on the hunt! -Ulfgaard yay coyote back with a vengance. love the geek column too by the way. -rhiannon I got a slug....doesn't talk, though. -Biosynthetic Classic !! You forgot to cover him in toner dust tho... -Spyder19 Assuming Room Temperature. -Stryker One The Coyote FTW!( as always) -Harm "i dropped it...in the toilet" -stiffarm Did you do the technical consulting for "Skipper" of the Madagascar Penguins? -TieDyedDinosaur Yeah, you can pick up a replacement iPhony from I.T....we keep them in the tape safe. Just go in & take one you like, I'll be by the door for, er, security...yeah, that's it, security *BFEG* -lineswine

7. The Magic of ME "Tech services, now with 10% more Tech because our Apps guy can't lay off of the cupcakes." I answered the ever ringing phone, suddenly hoping that it wasn't someone from the apps team. "You guys need to stop fucking with my files!" The voice on the suddenly password-locked side of the phone greeted in shrill agitation. Pulling up the user's account, I groaned inwardly as I read the information on my screen. She was a work-at-home user. I hate the work-at-home people. Not only do they get to do their job while walking around in their underpants and watching porn, but as a rule... They're fucking STUPID. Hoping that this wasn't the case, I took a deep breath and calmly asked the user to define "fucking with my files" as I couldn't find that error code in the ticket logging software. "Don't you fucking swear at me!" Came the reply from the woman whose blackberry number was just magically added to the Contact US help section of our webpage. "I can't fucking find the god damn files that were JUST here on my computer and they're not in the directory! What the fuck are you guys doing there all day? Playing video games?" She asked sarcastically in a voice that made me look around for hidden cameras. Closing the lid on my laptop and ending my game of Left 4 Dead, much to the dismay of my team mates (fuck you Louis), I turned around and gave full "Someone is watching me" attention to the call. "Yes M'am, I can help with that!" I said in my best "haha, I'm a good employee, don't fire me voice". "What is the name of the file that you're trying to find?" I inquired helpfully as I remote connected to her PC. "How the fuck should I know? It isn't THERE anymore!" She growled into the phone, trying to shake me - but it wasn't going to work. I was being helpful now. "Haha. That's okay M'am, why should you be expected to know the name of the file you're looking for? You're not a tech!" I pointed out with good natured mirth. "What KIND of file was it, if I may ask? Was it a spreadsheet, a letter, a PDF? When did you last use it?" I finished as I adjusted my tie and sat forward eager and ready to help. "I just said it isn't there. How should I know what kind of file it is? I used it a while ago. Just find it!" She ordered as I felt my eye twitch just a bit. "No problem. What directory was it in?" I tried not to growl as I was determined to win this round. "Are you deaf or stupid? I just said I DON'T KNOW!" She all but roared. "So let me get this straight." I started for clarification. "You don't know the name, type, or location of the file, you don't know what it is or when you last used it, but you want me to restore it so that you can use it?" I asked, because fuck....no one can be that stupid. "Can you do it or not?" She sighed as if she was talking to a complete and total moron. "Done! All set! That file has been restored and should be in your directory now." I abso-fucking-lutely lied, doing nothing. "There it is. It is working now. Jesus Christ, why was that so fucking hard?" She asked, angrily slamming the phone into its cradle, leaving me alone in stunned silence, a single thought echoing through my head... ....holy SHIT I'm good. -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Nice one! The only thing missing to make that story mine is where the client wants reimbursement for the time they lost. Thats usually followed with me switching to my 4th grade teacher voice.. -Darkridr Just out of curiosity, Was this before or after you made sure that your recorded conversation was forwarded to HR as it would set a very bad precident to allow the luser to assume this was acceptable behavior before being transferred to Mr. Dial Tone ? -Necros That has seriously happened to me more times than I can count. Not verbatum, mind you, but the magical repair of the problem just because I was called. I obviously shit pixie dust. -ActingUpAgain Another variation is to talk them through re-arranging the icons of the files in the folder. It is easy for someone to miss the icon that is 'out of the window' or occasionally UNDER another icon. -TieDyedDinosaur Regardless, your story is still both hilarious and expertly presented. Thankyou! -TieDyedDinosaur It's GOOD to be da Coyote! (EG) -MadJack LART her. -virusjtg "An' it's one, two, three, four...Sit and spin, you skanky whore...Gotta gotta get up t' get down...Gotta gotta get up t' get down..." -vacuumtubes You 're good Coyote. -pencil :falls out of chair laughing, until he starts to cough up: Damn, *cough* I hate *hakk* this viral infec*CHUFF!* Erhg. Very nicely done, Coyote! -Seamus Ron White said "you can't fix stupid", Coyote said, "maybe not, but I can sure as hell have fun fucking with it" -Spyder19 Hey, a friend of mine just gifted me a copy of Left 4 Dead on Steam, it should be done downloading by the time I get home, wanna play ? -Spyder19 A caller like that would have been recorded. I would ask her not to swear at me...if she continued I'd then hang up and file a formal complaint with HR. I don't get paid enough to take verbal abuse here. -Starfury Here ya go, Coyote! *tosses the wheat cracker package from an MRE.* hit her with this a few times and she'll never complain again. they're hard as a brick. -AdmiralLaurie "If you don't know the name, directory or type of file then how do you know it's missing?" -Icelator Wow. Just wow. -Slartarama AL - If you think those are hard, try the chocolate covered granola (yeah, right) bars. The only thing soft about those is the chocolate after it's in the sun for an hour. -redevil34 You never cease to amaze me Coyote, very well done! -THETECHFROMHELL I havnt had a boner in over a year. Can you help me? -burrkiss

8. Foom. “Emerald City, the Great and Powerful Oz speaking.� I answered the ever ringing phone with as much enthusiasm as I could muster while wondering if they really did tape down Judy Garland’s rack, and how one gets that job. “Hey Coyote, the main copy room printer thingy is out of toner, can you replace it?� The voice on the special needs end of the phone asks, absolutely convinced that it is my job to fill toner trays and replace cartridges. Which, it isn’t. See, we have a clerical staff who do the Serf jobs like add paper and change toner, but since they’re all feuding in some weird power struggle of paperclips and bad neck moles, they try to make each other do it instead. This means that toner never gets changed, print jobs back up, and people end up calling me. So rather than call and chastise a person who isn’t doing their job, I end up doing it out of the goodness of my heart instead. I’m like a fucking Saint at times. Since the clerical room is close to my lair, I pop up and head over, rounding the corner just in time to hear four little words that stop my heart… “You can shake it.� It is a well known office trick that if toner cartridges are low, shaking the piss out of them will occasionally win you a couple more days of printing. However, this is reserved only for TRAY cartridges, and never ever big “bullet� barrel toner cartridges like the ones WE use in our multi-functions. Time all but stopped like some Hollywood action movie involving a pasty, sarcastic, yet devilishly handsome tech as I moved in slow motion around the bend. “Noooooooooo!� I yelled in that weird deep slow-motion voice that makes you sound like you had a stroke. “Beat. Beat. Beat.� Went the wings of the fly as it slowed down to reflect the tension of the moment. “FOOM.� Went the big barreled toner cartridge with the open end as the user gave an enthusiastic shake, his hopes and dreams and joys still shining in his eyes. I shielded myself against the doorway as a cloud of black blasted outward, settling like heavy smoke on the carpet. Peeking into the now almost pitch black copier room I was greeted by the wide-eyed stares of two human shadows who no longer brimmed with hopes and dreams. Covered head to toe in toner like everything else in the room, no words were needed as I slowly, and quietly closed the door and walked away. Pulling out my blackberry I pulled up the IKON service tech's number and grinned as it dialed. I love service repair contracts in which I'm not allowed to touch a machine that I'm fully capable of repairing. I really, really do. -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Isn't it odd how your users always end up with toner on them ? -Spyder19 "I feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced." ―Obi-Wan BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!! -Necros Have we mentioned how much we missed you? -SalParadise and boom goes the toner. -Phylok Bet they had no INK-ling that was going to happen to them... -RiffRaff sometimes, starfish spontaneity works even better than a planned LART!!!! -duckhead The only thing that could have made that better would be if you had pictures... Take some pictures, and when they ask why, the response is simple... "Adding them to my blackmail scrapbook." -exzyle2k Great story....BTW, you can have the job of taping down Judy G's rack....all you have to do is dig her up. And by this time, it probably won't take much tape....< Lart Shelter Away! > -TubPorsche Excellent as always... good to see you skulking around again! -Diptera Tell them they've caused a biohazard situation. They must remain quarantined in the room until the decon unit gets there to clean them up. -redevil34 I think the Metallica song "Fade to Black" is quite an appropriate theme for this. :P -Torinir Actually, I was thinking the Stones. "I see a starfish and I want to paint him black..." -ActingUpAgain thou shalt not drink anything, or take any liquid medicine, while reading anything by the coyote. ahahahahahhaha! -AdmiralLaurie tell them that really HOT water will take that toner right off..... -srteach oooohhhh, that is SOOOOOO awesome a story! Thank you, you made the start to my day go with a smile! -Enzedder All these toner stories... it seems Coyote's writing is going trough a "dark" period right now. :P <flees to the PunLART shelter> -TheGhost I play with a gaming guild called The Dustmen. All I could think of after reading this is our catch phrase: "DUSTED!!" -unrenowned *Snort* I can just suddenly see a room full of Al Jolsons looking very very shocked. -Biosynthetic You are a fucking saint? now that's a religion I could get behind. -Icelator ...20 minutes later i've stopped laughing long enought to type. thank whatever deity made you a saint, that you are gracing us with your miracles again. -rhiannon Short and sweet with free Matrix imagery. Thanks for lightening the afternoon. -Darkridr I love dark humor. -PTSTech From somewhere I hear a voice explaining to the tech "But I didn't do anything, it just exploded!" -AussieFoot < Lethal Weapon 2 > Consulate Envoy: Sir, listen to your friend, here. He knows what he’s talking about. I don’t think you want to go to South Africa. Roger Murtaugh: Why not? Consulate Envoy: B-Because you’re black. Leo Getz: [To Murtaugh] You are. [To Envoy] He is. -Necros Missed your posts, found you elsewhere, you went away, then showed up back there again, and then showed up here...I feel like a stalker. My co-workers at my new job are just discovering the joys of reading your posts while eating/drinking...thank you for the extra entertainment -CMW For "Herbie: Fully Loaded" Disney digitally reduced the size of Lindsay Lohan's breasts. I'm sure many a man who took their kids to see that thought to themselves "Damn it! NOW how am I gonna get through this film?" -TheJman Make sure to tell them to uses Hot water to get the toner off. LOL -YoYo LMAO thanks for the much needed laugh Coyote -THETECHFROMHELL

9. Toner of Intent “Tech Services, Coyote speaking, how can I smile and pretend you aren’t a retard today?� I answered as politely as I could, masterfully interweaving the subconscious message of “I hate you� into my tone. “Um…hi, Coyote? This is Stupid Local User. I think we have a problem with the copier again.� The nervous sounding voice on the stupid end of the phone informed me in a shaky quiver. I *like* when they’re nervous about calling me. Fear usually hints at respect, so I pull up my past incidents on that particular multi-function and wince as I see the number of notes. I hate that god damn machine. More to the point, I hate WHERE that god damn machine is, because it is the department with a user who knows more than he should. You know the type: Just enough knowledge to fool the mortals into thinking that he is one of us, but not enough to do anything correctly so that when he constantly “helps�, he makes a shit ton more work. And even though he swears that he doesn’t touch the equipment anymore, (since I yelled at him) I know for a fact that he does but I haven’t been able to catch him at it. Getting a generic “there’s a jam� message, I grumble to myself, hang up and head down to the Moron Ward in hopes of at least hitting a few of the candy dishes on the way. I’d hate to waste a trip for a friggin’ paper jam. I turn the corner, step inside the copier room, and lo and behold, I can SEE the source of the jam! And what a jam it is! It is mammoth! It is huge! It is… Paul. With his arm stuck in the copier. Seems that Paul, upon hearing that there was an issue, took it upon himself to fix it. This had become such a routine that they stopped turning to me, and would call HIM whenever there was an issue. Better yet, he was *so* comfortable doing it, that when a real issue occurred, he had no qualms about reaching his arm into the service panel, up to the shoulder and fiddling around. But he was wearing a watch. A watch whose band went up and over the roller assembly bar, and effectively handcuffed him to my machine. With the slow, casual grace of a Southern Prison Guard, I walked around him without saying a word, relishing in his silence and awkward position. “Well well well. What we got here..boy?� I asked in my best redneck Sheriff voice as I slapped my screwdriver into the meat of my palm. Paul was very slow to respond, and sat there half-crouched, half-squatting red-faced with shame. It was like Christmas, but without the weird Uncle getting drunk and trying to tongue kiss you. “I..thought…a paper jam…and…� was all that he managed to squeak out before I silenced him by opening the back service hatch, where I was immediately greeted by his grasping fingers. With care, ease, and practiced grace I gently-yet-firmly, coated the entire length of his arm in loose toner powder as I pretended to fiddle with the machine. “Wow. You punched right through the firewall and into the toner stabilizing defibulator.� I said in awe as I added another dusting of inky blackness to his immobilized arm. “I wouldn’t move if I were you, you’ve bypassed the safety shutdown switch and if this thing kicks on, you’re going to but cut to ribbons.� I added, when he started to reach forward and almost dislodged himself. He tensed up, but held still and I quickly resumed my art project. Satisfied that his arm was darker than even my pitch black techy heart, I grabbed his wrist and dislodged his watch and instructed him to very VERY slowly pull back his arm. This was to make him nervous, fearful of pain, and to keep him from spilling toner all over my copier, because I sure as hell didn’t want to clean it. Looking down at his ruined shirt and spilling toner dust all over himself and the nervously gathered women who had witnessed their hero’s fall, Paul’s face fell as I buttoned up the machine. “You going to report this?� He asked fearfully, resigned to his own fate. “Naw.� I grinned mercifully as his face lit up. “Just don’t do it again, and I won’t report it, okay?� I asked kindly, never intending to report it because the incident might get back to someone who would realize that he was nowhere near the toner. Thanking me profusely, he went to the men’s room to clean up as I reaped the benefits of several untapped candy jars. “Hey Paul?� I called after him as he headed off in his walk of shame. Turning wordlessly, his eyes and face filled with thanks, I offered him one last olive branch in order to assist with the dry, unset toner on his arm. “Use really hot water.� My grin matching his own, I headed off myself. Because if I am one thing, it is helpful. -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Reminded of the episode of Simpson's where he gets his hands caught in 2 vending machines. -Icelator Nice. -ActingUpAgain Hehe. Too bad it wasn't a color copier-you could have left him him the way you caught him-red handed. -cyberblade3001 Masterfully done sir. -Phylok Coyote is back! Woo Hoo!... I We missed you, man! -JoeLugian Bows to the master.... "we're not worthy... we're not worthy..." -duckhead *Applause* -Seamus Make it REALLY REALLY hot water... fuse the toner to his skin. -linuxmatt You.....bastard. <giggle> -Gromit Beautiful :) I actually laughed out loud. At work -Spyder19 Welcome back! We've missed ya round here! -VWFtech *more applause* -Grue My son, in the other room, is wondering why I'm cackling.... -srteach Straight from Simon's own playbook. Well done! -RiffRaff Welcome back mate! Excellent BOFH-ism! -rosemetal take 2500 nosecoffee points. I can't stop laughing, and my sweater, laptop, desk, legs, and jewelry cabinet are covered in coffee. Thankee. -AdmiralLaurie Excellent! Superb! And welcome back! I've not been here for long, but I've been reading the archives and you're a legend. *claps enthusiastically* -DarthIndy Awesome! Damn glad you're back! -Ulfgaard 'weird uncle' FTW -ThinTheHerd For those of you who haven't been following his current column it's well worth a read. I mean, really, really worth it :http://www.tentonhammer.com/features/geek And if you never read his previous (now defunct) one it's here: http://www.tentonhammer.com/blogs/coyote/ -cyberblade3001 The Coyote rides again! Sheer comic genius in your writing. -CommanderData .....and that is why you are my hero -rhiannon *happy dance of Coyote's return* *laughs hysterically* Awesome. Truly awesome, sir. -pixel Welcome back!!! Hope to hear more stories from you soon. -adarklite The Coyote strikes again! Well played as usual, sir... -PTSTech Wouldn't it be more fun to call EMS and have them extract him. -Stryker One Well played, pity you can't rig the unit to trap him that way the next time he forgets he knows nothing. -AussieFoot was hoping one of these was coming when news of your re-enlarged butt hit the papers. how'd you resist hitting the go button a few times just to see what would happen? -stiffarm Stick your finger in the hole.... -vacuumtubes Was I the only one that noticed the absence of any mention of the return of a watch? BRAVO! True BOFH style and professionalism with Coyote's unique presentation! -TieDyedDinosaur I love you. I think a hand job in the back of a 89 Firebird is in order. -burrkiss COYOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *TACKLEHUG* -TranceGemini OMFG you are so funny man -THETECHFROMHELL

10. Deja...ugh oh. "Tech services." I answer the phone without my normal flair because god DAMN I hate Mondays. There is just something about having a whole two days off that juices up the stupid in people. And for some reason it seems like I'm always at the freshly squeezed end of the conversation. "Coyote is this you?" The first customer of the day asks me having just dialed my extension and knowing that I am the only technician here. With a deep sigh I roll my eyes and let the happiness creep into my voice. "No. This is my voicemail. I wasn't feeling good so I left early today." I quipped back hoping that they'd their brain would be jolted into working by my sheer concentration of obviousness. Insert an uncomfortably long pause here. "Well..when do I leave my message?" They finally ask hesitantly as I pull the phone from my ear and look at it in disbelief. "Um..after the beep?" I ask hesitantly as I press the 5 key on my telephone to simulate a long beep. Without missing a beat they start leaving a message for me. Kindly wishing that I "feel better" they explain the problem they're having - but I can't take it. "Are you REALLY leaving a message for me?" I ask incredulously. I mean this person handles large sums of money for this company, including I might add - MY sums of money. Needless to say I'm just a teensy bit scared. "This is you..." They state the obvious in a sing-song voice that lets me know that they just A) Caught on and B) Caught my clever ruse. "Of COURSE it is me. When have you EVER heard a voicemail box ask you questions back?" I ask in shock, my mind completely blown. Of course this instantly bites me in the ass as the user takes this opportunity to get indignant. "The last time I called you your phone did the SAME THING and YOU said we have an interactive voice thingie!" She reminded me to which I remembered... ...crap... I DID. She had totally called before, I screwed with her, and she left a message after the beep and hung up. I had never bothered to correct her - had forgotten all about it... ...and she had thought this entire time that we had a A.I. phone answering service. "So was it you messing with me last time too?" She asks angrily as my brain spins frantically in my head trying desperately to come up with an excuse. Got it. "Ooooh! That! You mean the old V-ger system. No no! We had to get rid of that. As you can imagine it was really expensive and we couldn't justify having it for the number of people that we have." I lied. Horribly. There was no way that she'd buy it. "Oh. Is that why you gave everyone new headsets?" She asks as I claw desperately at that last shimmer of hope. "Yes! That's exactly why!" I exclaim, probably a bit too loudly - but I don't care. Somehow I pulled out of the nose dive and I'm almost giddy. She pauses thoughtfully before sighing into the phone. "I liked the old one better." She admits as she goes into the reason of why she called me in the first place. Man. Dicking with my users is getting harder. I gotta start leaving myself notes or get an assistant. -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Hoo! This just made my day... I'm done... and I think my monitor needs cleaning now. -Silphion Didn't the original Vger have a habit of sabotaging itself? :) -Diptera Priceless, just priceless. -Gunpe Regardless of the ugly-factor, it was still a landing you walked away from. To a pilot, that's called a "successful landing." Congrats! -Grue Don't sweat it - we all lose a step as we age, and the mind is the first to go, y'know... -PTSTech More proof that The Coyote is an uncontested badass. -Seamus Actually, the mind is the SECOND thing to go..........Don't ask me what the first thing is because I don't remember! -TubPorsche As expected, The Coyote never fails to entertain, even when exposing his OWN embarassments! -TieDyedDinosaur Yes, it's sad, our users are actually getting smarter... Ok, not much, but... -Spyder19 Applause, applause! -crazymactech Best story I have heard in a long time. Jesus christ. -Slartarama Ya gotta wonder though, just how long could he have let the ruse go and how much personal info he could get the caller to give up to the "voice mail" system. -Stryker One My running gag, after I answer the phone and the person starts to talk, I will Say, “You’ve reached my voice mail, please leave a message.” Sometimes they just hang up. -Year9595 I'm still taking notes but that one, unfortunately, falls under the heading of "How not to do it". Then again, I consider myself lucky that my abusers aren't QUITE that dumb (although a few are close)! -Loon 20 minutes, and I'm still laughing. People are looking at me weird. -srteach (Quote) "I'm talking to keep you from talking, since naturally we would talk. Not only have I had practice answering questions, but I know some of the rules. There are only three methods that are any good in the long run." "What are the three methods?" "One. Button your lip. Answer NOTHING whatever. Two. Tell the truth straight through. The works. Three. Tell a simple, basic lie, with no trimmings, and stick to it. If you try a fancy lie, or a mixture of truth and lies, or part of the truth but try to save some, you're sunk. Of course, I'm just talking to pass the time." </Archie Goodwin, 'Method Three for Murder'> -MadJack MadJack: Rex Stout was a *genius*! -CTYankee in the words of my 4 year old" You rox my sox". -GoToHellKitty

11. Captain Power Pants We never lose power. I kind of take pride in that. You see we have a no-point-of-singular-fail power system in place here, and no matter how many other buildings let out early because of black outs or weather related power issues.... ....we stay. And the kids here HATE it. They flock to the windows and watch with sad faces as everyone else gets to go home, their little sorrow filled nose prints fogging up the glass as they watch longingly, bemoaning the fact that they still have to work. It fills my little tech-Grinch heart with happiness, because if *I* have to be here and miserable, EVERYONE ELSE DOES TOO. So in keeping with the power back-up system, I run outside on a daily basis and check the generator's fuel supply and look for silent alarm lights. I don't have to repair the generator, but I'm responsible for it's maintenance contract and constant ready-to-work state. So once a week I jump up and check the event panels and get a fuel reading to ensure that they never, EVER get to go home early. And today was that day. Jumping up as I normally do, I give a grinning thumbs up to the many ladies who always sigh and grumble as they watch me, hopeful that today will be the day we have failure. Winking and waving happily to the miserable souls, I close the panel and leap majestically and triumphantly to the ground. Or so was my intention. Instead of the manly Spiderman-like landing I was prepared to give for show, my pant leg snagged the panel door turning me instantly into "spun upside down as his pants rip and are forced to his ankles"....man. Not exactly the awe inspiring bringing of power that I had built myself up to be. Somehow I still managed a two footed landing, but it was less (or some would argue MORE) impressive now that I was half naked in the parking lot in front of a window full of women.......... ........who have camera phones. The moral of the story? Don't leap unless you're sure that you can stick the landing, because that Russian judge is not only harsh - the bitch probably has a camera phone. -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments So, where's the pics? ;) -Tekkie Wouldn't "spun upside down as his pants rip and are forced to his ankles"....man. be a little to long to fit on a T-Shirt? -Gunpe Call security, we have someone exposing himself....plus he shot a bat's head off, so he's also cruel to animals.... :-) -vacuumtubes isn't technology great! ummmm... maybe not since I now need to clean my moniter! -GoToHellKitty HEY Y'ALL! HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS! *snicker* -RiffRaff As long as you covered your face you should be safe. Most make the mistake of trying to cover up that part of the anatomy that nobody would recognize! -TieDyedDinosaur Well they probably didn't get any pictures of little coyote unless they have some hard core zoom on those camera phones. -imawitch Best. Story. Ever. -grrltechie Hopefully you had clean underwear. Nothing worse then doing the Chattanooga Shitstreak while in a bad situation..... -vacuumtubes <singing> If I could be a superhero, I'd be "spun upside down as his pants rip and are forced to his ankles" man/ making sure (l)users see more then they want/ according to my awesome plan/ and if I see (l)users trying to hide/ their eyes from the glory of my schlong as I glide/ I'd reach back and I'll slap them with my strong pimp hand/ 'cause I would be "spun upside down as his pants rip and are forced to his ankles" man </Steven Lynch> Always the best stories, man. Always the best. -beerman *PARKER!* Y'r fired! ...Y'r re-hired! -ShujinTribble Dammit Coyote ! I told ya, I'm the only one that gets to be me !! And don't gimme no shit about Toby Maguire either, he's just there to confuse people -Spyder19 Wow Coyote, your manliness never ceases to amaze me. ROTFLMAO. -THETECHFROMHELL This is where all that time you spent working out comes in handy, eh? :ducking and running away: -MgrofChaos Oh sure, you pull something like this, and there's no video evidence. But put a pinata stick in my hands, or whipped cream on my head, and the cameras are rolling... -wolfprince Thank you. I needed this kind of hilarious tale to start my morning, after being sick the day you posted it! -Grue Wang is up, Wand is down.. </wash rinse repeat> -unrenowned

12. A HAUNTING tale... "Tech Pirates, we plunder more booty by 6am than you do all day." I answered the phone in my best "yaaaar" voice as I pulled up the ticket system. "Time to do the moves bitch." The voice on the merciless end of the telephone informed me as lightening flashed in the window behind me and a phantom organ played a sinister melody. Okay. They didn't say "bitch" and they were nothing but nice, but A) that doesn't make for a good story and B) I was their bitch. They had scheduled my time, had a bunch of desk and PC moves that needed to be completed, and rather than my care free and "putting out fires as I see them" self, I was neatly assigned to their little group. I was a PC moving bitch. Which was okay, because most of the women in that section are extremely busty and flirty and those are two of my three requirements when it comes to me working with the fairer sex. (The third requirement is "pig-tails" but that is more of a mood thing and absolutely waveable.) So off I went to slop around PC's and to assign people new cubicles. All was going well and it wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. The work was done quickly and efficiently, the ticket signed off and ready to be closed, and life was good when... "I wanna move too." A cackling voice harumfphed behind me in a pissy tone that spawned to life my first ever use of the word harumfphed. The only really cranky employee in the whole department (there is always one...) had somehow slithered up behind me and latched on leech-like to suck away my hopes and dreams. Just when I was about to put on a false smile and tell her "Sorry, ticket closed. Please file a new ITG request and wait the standard one-to-two LIFETIMES." she brandished the ticket, with a hand written sign off from the Vice President. Amending it and giving her power over me. Damn it. Slavery was no longer fun as she is a nasty troll of a woman who only smiles when puppies die or souls are cast into the fiery pit of " from whence she came". She was bossy, she was snotty, and worst of all she was indecisive. "I want the phone there. No there. Can I sit and try it? No..over here. No you better put it back to where you initially put it I guess." She ordered as my puppet legs danced for her entertainment. I was powerless and it was hell. "So what do you think of my new cubicle?" She smiled evilly as she motioned towards the great view and open window behind her. Truth was, I was jealous. My little office is windowless and dark and decimates my will to live on a daily basis. Here she was, an evil harpy with a view of a pond and the little ducklings and happiness and rainbows while I was forced into a cave. It wasn't fair. "I don't know why you'd want the HAUNTED cube." I said in forced awe and confusion as I connected her PC and check the cabling. See, prior knowledge had clued me into the fact that she was a ghost-o-phobe (Technical Term), and if I wasn't going to be happy, why should she? Her face fell as she paled a bit. "What? W..why is this the HAUNTED cube?" She leaned into ask. She was giving off an air of suspicion and disbelief, but I could see the truth behind her eyes. So I did what any decent sort would do. I fucked with her. "What? You don't KNOW?!" I asked in amazed tones using both a question mark and exclamation point to express my surprised. "This is where she DIED." I added, saying the word "died" in all caps for emphasis. Her eyes grew wide and she leaned in a bit more as I finished with the cabling. "Where WHO died?" She asked in a small voice as I handed her the work order to sign. "Oh..they changed the chair and desk and everything, but she was here like ALL weekend before they found her body!" I explained as her fingers numbly encircled the pen signing my form and releasing my soul from hell. "And ever since that day? People ALWAYS see a...Oh hang on, boss is calling me." I cut off as I fumbled with my non-ringing blackberry and pretended to answer it. "Uh huh. Yeah. Be right there boss." I laughed into the dead silence of the phone as I walked off with my signed release form in hand, leaving her in an odd and gasping quiet. I now hear that whenever she's being really bitchy, or particularly nasty for no reason her computer opens a browser window to a funeral home - yet whenever I'm called down to check it out? There's no history or record of the site being opened. How weird is that? -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments You sir, are a genius, we have much to learn from you. -Phylok Mh. At the place I had to work this summer , there was a nice pond view from third floor, where my cubicle used to be. Only it was in my back (i.e. not only I saw only a grey wall, but the reflection was cleary to be seen on the screen), under the ceiling aircon grill (yay for noise and wind) AND just next to the floor supervisor's desk. Friggin' nice. Couldn't even browse for a minute or two because the boss was an old dictatorial hag, too. </rant> Nevertheless, good story, as yours always are. -IcePanther i have bushes and a nice stream under my office window. yet i keep the blinds closed and stick with the hum of flourenscent tubes and block walls. -r3tude I used to work in an office that had a window into the server room. THEN I was moved to the BIG room where the admins were and I had a window the the parking lot. Got to watch the lovely billing clerks come and go to their cars and the squirrels playing in the trees. Then they built the wall...the wall that enclosed the backup power generator for the servers. I watched it go up, brick by brick, blocking my view of the trees, sky, squirrels, and the female billing clerks. I have left that job and have a new one...where the helldesk staff are in a room with no windows and our mood reflects this most every day. -Starfury Does her screen saver occasionally and inexplainably show a diffuse tunnel with a bright light in the center? -TieDyedDinosaur *hands Coyote his business card reading: "Have Ghost. Will Travel."* Should you want to add more realism to the story, I'm available for hire. You don't even need to get me access to the place. And I'll work for cookies. < :D :D :D > -TheGhost I love a spooky bed time story!(working third shift, it's bed time)Great story Coyote, good night all. -wolfprince "And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire..." </HadToBeSaid> -lineswine If the SciFi channel shows up with cameras, I want photos! -ActingUpAgain "I didn't get a harumph out of that guy." -thx1138 "It is I, the ghost of fucknuggets past..." -vacuumtubes "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!" -ShadowGarou Dude, you give me a conflict to write about for my stupid Fiction class and I will *make* the visual part of a screensaver showing a distant tunnel with a white light at the end and shadowy figures moving in the light. In .gif format. No garuntees on the finish date, though. -Parilla Classic conflicts are internal between a person's self-image and their interest in appearance/appeasement/attraction to/of/by someone else. Imagine a pair of opposites - Long hair versus short hair, for example, where one is what a person abhors but is desired by someone else that the person wishes to please/placate/shag. Add color, spice, extenders and garnish. -TieDyedDinosaur bravo, Coyote, bravo. -boognish Wizard's first rule: People will believe a lie if they want it to be true, or are afraid that it to be true. Well played. -JTSBrown Grr. <i>afraid it to be true</i> -JTSBrown "Your cubicle was built on a Native American gravesite..." -Mushroom Up until you mentioned "the haunted cubicle" I was wondering how ya were gonna get even with her :) Great ! -Spyder19 Da Coyote's on a ROLL!!! Dude, every time I think you've seen it all, you top your last post! Rock On! -MadJack I slowly salivate as I click on TSC.com and scroll thorugh todays posts... A ha...The Coyote has posted a new story. I quickly open the link and start to read... OMG he has done it once again, written a truley brillant story and so damed funny to boot. I am having a huge belly laugh after a rough day at work, thank for the laugh that I so desprately needed. Coyote you ROCK dude:) -THETECHFROMHELL "They only moved the headstones". -Stryker One For an encore, Coyote will now manipulate events so that the office is reassigned to someone more... deserving :) -Geminii

13. Techxic Waste "Tech Services, fixing all problems real and imagined. Coyote speaking." I answered the shrill squawk of the phone as it disturbed my surfing of naughty images on google. "My plasma screen is leaking." The voice on the yet-to-evolve end of the phone informed me in slightly startled tones. "REALLY?" I asked back suddenly interested because A) I wasn't aware of any plasma screens in the building and B) COOL. PLAMSA. "Yeah, and I got some on my hands. Is that bad?" They asked nervously as I grabbed my doctor's bag and loaded up with tools. "Probably!" I responded a tad bit too happy. "Does it burn? Is your hair falling out?" I asked hopefully as I scheduled an office visit and hoped to see throbbing tumors. I'm guessing my bedside manner was lacking because the person all but screamed as they ran off to wash their hands. I all but ran to the office in question, pulling up notes on the equipment there and frowning slightly as I saw no mention or record of any type of plasma. Sliding into the office I looked over towards the unit in question and glanced around for the now returning occupant, noting absently that her hands looked red and raw from scrubbing. "How dangerous is this stuff?" She asked me nervously as I moved towards her station. "M'am, I'm going to have to ask you to step back." I said in my official cowboy voice as I hitched up my belt and tipped an imaginary cowboy hat. "We don't even know what we're dealing with yet." I said dramatically as I moseyed over to get a gander. Cowboys are so cool. Frowning slightly I noticed that a clear liquid was indeed running down the front of her display screen, but that she had an LCD, which until that moment I was pretty sure had no weird and possibly toxic fluids IN It. But now I was sitting in front of it and second guessing what I knew as truth because there it was, leaking. So I did what any good CSI would do. I reached out and touched it. Foof! All my hair fell out like someone blowing on a dandelion. Okay, it didn't. Nothing happened, in fact, it looked and felt like water - but there was nothing sitting on top of the flat screen and no evidence of a spill. "Did..did you just TOUCH it you moron??" The user who called me asked in incredulous tones as I touched it again. She was annoying me, just called me a moron and I hate having people hover over me while I work. So I screamed. Clawing at my hand I yelled out "It BURNS THE FLESH!" and started writhing in mock agony in her office chair. I screamed, she screamed, I screamed again and she left - presumably to find something to halt the melting of my hand. Satisfied that I was alone and dealing with water I looked upward just in time to see a single droplet fall from the ceiling tile and splash gently onto the edge of her display screen. Leaky roof. Crap. Unplugging her monitor, PC and phone I cleared off her desk and threw some garbage bags over the important stuff as I slid an empty waste basket under the drip. Speed dialing building maintenance I let them know that we had a leak and that I needed it fixed quickly. They assured me they'd take care of it, and confirming that the job at hand was no longer technical I phoned her supervisor and advised him of the situation - asking him to keep her out of the office while the work was being completed. Tacking a really official looking "Quarantined - DO NOT ENTER" biohazard sign on her door, I headed back to my office to do the paperwork and to let building maintenance know about the note on the door. An hour later I'm told that everyone in her department is playing "hair loss" games and developing Elmer's glue created tumors. Serves her right. 'Cause she never came back to check on my melted hand. -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Once again, BRILLIANT! -BarmanVarn YOU BASTARD! Good one! It's those little moments that make the job almost worth doing, isn't it? -TieDyedDinosaur Ok, It's official. I am now going to collect ALL of Coyote's stories and create a nice, neat PDF. This stuff is just too good and funny! (Glad to see you back, Coyote!) -JoeLugian COOL. PLASMA. haha... -r3dn3x0r Bravo ya evil shit!!! -starfishmagnet Damn, it's good to see up to your old tricks. -VFox your newsletter, sir, let me subsribe to it. -SGTARKyTEK Yep. Plasma is cool. But Ectoplasma is way cooler. :P < :D :D :D > -TheGhost Ghost, with an Ectoplasmic screen do you see not only your currently running apps but the ghost of apps already crashed? -ecoli ROFLMAO Joe, I want a copy of that PDF! -Seamyst You Magnificent Bastard. -AmazingKreskin Coyote, you are awesome. That is the best response to "is it dangerous" I've ever heard! Ahd what's with the bitch not checking up on you, hmm? -Seamus Joe! Count me in on a copy of that PDF! -Seamus note to self if reading a story posted by Coyote, don't take a drink of water... -Phylok Leaking plasma? Oh dear, oh dear. Once again I'm taking notes! -Loon Sir I used to fix plasma cutting machines and I will tell you that you do NOT want to touch a plasma as it WILL melt your hand, and anything else it touches. A real plasma is about 10,000 degrees F. The same as the surface of the sun. -atomicbill On the other hand, plasma from blood is quite cool. -TieDyedDinosaur Very nice. <bows in homage> -Ramblin Funny as all get out! [But Coyotes are bad, aren't they? <wink>] -MgrofChaos i wants the pdf, too! leaking plasma - *bfeg* - ideas, ideas...;) -timelady <style mode="devil's advocate">There actually is liquid in liquid crystal displays, hence the name, and in theory it could leak out. However, it isn't harmful AFAIK, and there is really very little of it.</style> Even if it was leaking LCD juice, this could not have been done more elegantly... my hat is off to the Coyote. -chazz Coyote, yer cruel, which is why I love reading yer stories, but, I also like watching "House", was he yer father ? -Spyder19 WOOOOHOOO!!! Coyote FTW!!! Man, it's GOOD ta be da Coyote!!! -MadJack roof leaks? call IT. nice job fixing the drip in front of the desk too. -stiffarm Oh God, I missed you so much. Oh God. I can't stop laughing. Oh God. Coyote, I love you man. -TranceGemini A definite "tip o' the cowboy hat" to you. Niiiice work. -lineswine Wow Trance, one more "Oh God" and I'll think you actually mean it -Spyder19

14. Impromptu Pwning It had been a long rough day and I was beat. Stupid users, ignorant customers and people who honestly seemed incapable of wiping their own ass unless I was there with a map and a fresh roll of two-ply. But it was over. The bird whistle blew, I yaba-daba-doo'd and slid down my brontosaurus to freedom as I foot peddled my ass out of there. I. Was. Done. Ripping off the tie and breathing in the scent of freedom mixed with pine tree air freshener, I was well on my way home when my Blackberry chirped to life. It was the Missus. She needed me to stop by the store on my way home to pick up a few things for dinner and had lovingly text'd me a list. I hate technology. I squeal into supermarket parking lot and hit the store like a man possessed. Some milk, a carton of eggs, the all important "cookie" factor and I'm out of there. So blind in my mission was I that I didn't even see the wrinkled claw hand of death until it had me firmly by the elbow. Frowning at being touched I spun on my assailant only to find myself being glared at by the oldest looking prune I had ever seen. Her wire bristled covered lips twisted into a pissy smile as I turned to face her and opened her badly dentured mouth to speak. But the bitch had touched me, and gave little squeeze of anger that matched the look on her face, so I beat her to the niceties. "WHAT?" I asked in annoyance as I yanked my arm out of her boney grip. My tone didn't please her in the least as her eyes widened in rage. "I'll tell you what you little bastard." She swore as she raised her voice in irritation, the scent of cat food wafting heavily on her breath. Little bastard? What the hell did I do to piss off this 67 pound bag of Ready-to-die, just add Death? "Since you changed your store lay out I can't find a damn thing. No one will help me, and your staff is full of incompetent morons who told me that they were too busy to help! Now WHAT are you going to do to make me happy?" She growled as she reached forward and gave my forearm an angry squeeze. My store? My staff? Then it hit me. White shirt, name tag, no jacket. She thought I worked there. AHAHHAHAHA! Now normally I'd just explain that I didn't work there and let it go, but I was in a bad mood. Work had kicked my ass all day and I had to toady up to a million customers just like HER whom I couldn't say boo to in fear of being fired. Yet here she was, ready to unleash hell on some poor unsuspecting underpaid supermarket employee? Something in me snapped. No one deserved to deal with a customer like this, and if I couldn't make things better, I could at least have a little bit of fun by making them worse. "Well, we could fuck I suppose." I said thoughtfully with a smile. "That always makes ME happy." I added in after thought. She almost swallowed her face. Gulping in air like a leathery old fish she unleashed on me. She started ranting and raving and screaming about how I was going to be fired, and how that when she was done suing the store she was going to buy it and turn it into a parking lot. She took some shots at my attitude, and reached out to grab me by the arm again. I pulled away and explained that she shouldn't touch me because I was in the Nang and a flashback might cause me to twist her moldy old raisin right off the top of her wrinkly fucking neck. She paled a bit, (Probably at the thought of messing with a 33 year old Nam vet.) and stepped back as she shook her fist. "I'm telling." She said as if she was suddenly 6, and not 106. Pointing to the service desk she repeated herself and stepped away. "Bye bye Gramma." I waved as I bid her farewell. "Try not to break your hip on your trip over there!" I smiled as I offered her a wink before turning away, leaving her to sputter and swear all the way over to the service area. Grabbing the stuff on my list I stood in line smiling as I watched her arguing with the poor sucker behind the service desk. She seemed confused, he seemed confused, and best of all as I left, I gave a heads up to store security who was already watching her heated exchange with the baffled manager. "I saw her slip some cat food in her pocket." I said with a nod in her direction as I left. Man. He didn't look happy. -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments As always, your unique perspective is a hoot. :) -Tekkie "67 pound bag of Ready-to-die, just add Death" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Way to go, Coyote! :) -rokitt Coyote, how much would you charge me to accompany you for a single week, armed with nothing more than a digital camcorder? I'm not thinking "Reality TV Show" here, mind you; I'm thinking "The Coyote Channel." -RiffRaff Uhm. Deeeaaaammmmnnnnn. -vacuumtubes *giggles madly* "Well, we could fuck... that always makes ME happy." -Seamyst The worst thing about this is that you are going to remember that situation when you are in an extremely serious meeting and experience extreme discomfort trying not to laugh out loud! -TieDyedDinosaur That was the DEFINITION of "full of Win and Awesome"! -Grue Well played, my friend. As always. -TechnoTherapist Remind us all, never to piss you off... -evolvedstarfish Chalk up another Grade A, 100% pure gold-plated LART to the Coyote. Lovely, just lovely. -Gromit Was this ins a Waldbaums? I could swear it was a Waldbaums..... -ShujinTribble :trying VERY HARD not to choke on his breakfast whislt giggling maniacally like a demented schoolboy: I cannot express how absolutely fucking priceless this is. As has already been said: "Full of win and awesome". -Seamus It's been said already, so I will simply reiterate: This story delivers loads of win and awesomeness on an epic scale! -fdiskcuresall The only thing that lessens this is imagining myself as the poor manager at the service desk, mourning his karma, and thinking, "oh, $deity, what orphan did I torture that I deserved THIS!" You've been a very bad boy, Coyote- congratulations! -Voz you may have taken your time posting stories, mate, but damn it was worth it! -timelady Damn.... That was just... damn....*walks away shaking his head and giggling quietly. -wolfprince You, sir, are a friggin' genius! Any chance that The Coyote Academy of LARTing may be opening soon? -Loon so, f*cking 106 Y.O. ladies makes you happy? Waaaaait a minute! Are you impersonating Burrkiss or is Burrkiss impersonating you? o_0 :D -TheGhost Mr. Coyote, Sir? Are you accepting applications for apprentices, padawan, or worshippers? I'd like to submit my application! -Ulfgaard could you please write at least 150 more pages like this? and would you let me design a cover? -supportrobot To quote the kid at the end of The Incredibles, "THAT WAS TOTALLY WICKED!!!!!!" -Zimmerit Thanx Coyote :) -Spyder19 As shitty as my day was, this just made it a whole lot better... Thankfully I hadn't yet touched the Toxic Hell beckoning me to an early grave. -exzyle2k Coyote, you are evil, wicked, mean, and nasty. In other words, you are my hero! -Captain Trips It's GOOD ta be da Coyote! -MadJack *SNERK* now that is lovely. well done. -SpitefulTech man coyote, your posts are always awesome. You could pass for a 33 year old vet that fought door to door in fallujah tho. -SGTARKyTEK your newsletter sir, let me subsribe to it.<p>///fark lol -SGTARKyTEK The last time I was confused for a supermarket employee, I was physically dragged to the manager's office. After heating the situation by not responding, I told the manager I didn't work for him or his company, I worked for one of the companies in the corporate level, and I was about to call the police to press charges (assault and battery, false arrest, illegal detention, denial of rights, etc), and to the region HQ to lodge an official complaint. I ended up with a shopping trolley full of soft-drink cans for my effort. -Wraith556 While this *is* hilarious, I really hope that poor service desk guy writes about you on Customers_Suck. You just made his day worse too. :( Shame, Coyote. -TranceGemini I hate company mandated uniforms... I have found I have to change before going to pick something up at a hardware store on my lunch break, or every person in the place will try to ask me something, even though I have no nametag, and a completely different name branded on my shirt... -garwain god i love you. -burrkiss

15. We have a code red.... "Tech Services, what did you break?" I answer the ever ringing phone in a bored voice as I flip through active directory randomly locking out accounts. "Hi Coyote, it's Internal Person You Have To Be Nice To!" Says the internal person that I have to be nice to because they are actually located here and have been known on several occasions to bring me brownies. Please note. Bribing your tech is good. Internal Brownie Chick is concerned about a "weird" looking e-mail in her in box that some how made it past her spam filter and wants to know if it is a virus. Of course I know that it isn't because none of my "OH SHIT" alarms are going off, but still... ...even though I could have Dame'd into her machine, a field trip was scheduled. Mainly because you know - "possibility of brownies". So I saunter over and take a peek at the scary e-mail in question as I snag a piece of offered chocolate frosted goodness and commend myself for my efforts as there was indeed brownies to be had. "That's just the message you get when a possible viral attachment has been stripped from e-mail." I reassure her through bites of my snack cakes, which sets her immediately at ease. But then I notice that the "from" address is from one of our OTHER locations which sends up a red flag; We strip all sorts of attachments from e-mail, so we get false positives ALL the time - but this was from a LAPTOP user with admin rights, so it's possible he's infected. Which is bad. If ONE site is infected, all sites are thrown under the magnifying glass and we're forced to actually work, which is just something that I will NOT have. So I call the user and in my friendliest and most brownie filled voice I request that he brings his computer to the MIS department for a quick looky-loo. "More than likely it's nothing, but even the risk is enough to warrant a look." I explain actually being nice. "No." He replies with a word that I'm definitely not used to hearing from a user. No? Did...did he just tell ME no? I ask him to repeat himself and he does. "No. I don't have time for your stupid tech games. I'm not infected and if I am it's your problem not mine." He says in pissy tones that indicate that I'm bothering him with my stupid little "possible virus" call. So I kick him from the domain (rendering his PC no-netty-netty) while explaining to him that I cannot have even a "possibly" infected computer on my network as viruses wreck my day. I then tell him, more firmly, to please have I.T. check out his machine, immediately. The effect is instant. He goes APE SHIT. I'm now called every name in the book as he demands that I reinstate his machine, he informs me that he is going directly to my boss and that he will never EVER bring his laptop to the I.T. department right before hanging up on me. Which is fine with me, because with a couple of quick phone calls and explanations to my brothers on the front line in that location that they might have an infected PC, I bring the I.T. Department to HIM. Escorted by building security they call me on my blackberry as I listen to the scene unfold. They take his laptop. They take his blackberry (On the grounds that HEY, it can get e-mail too.). In fact, they take everything in his office that is even remotely electronic just in case it is a "nano-virus" that travels from machine to machine replicating and taking over the device. And then with building security firmly at side they leave him alone in his new "pen and paper" prison, shocked and confused. "Dude. We took his CALCULATOR." One of the techs on the other end of the phone laughs as they boggle at the fact that this guy might be infected but refused to see them even when instructed to. From what he told me it was a slow day in tech, and they had all had problems with this guy before - so they descended upon him en masse and stripped him back to the stone age. Almost every available tech filled this guy's office as they took anything that wasn't nailed down. I'm then told that they've seen the error before and that it was definitely a false positive and that the machine wasn't infected at all. Chuckling to myself I hang up with my boys just as my desk phone rings. It's my new friend. And he's being NICE. "Excuse me sir." He says with a nervous laugh. "I don't mean to bug you in the least, but is it possible - if you're not too busy - to get an estimate of when I can have my stuff back, or if it isn't too much trouble, a loaner laptop? Please?" He asks in the most respectful tones I have ever been spoken to in. I assure him that he'll have all of his stuff back shortly, (which means whenever his I.T. Department feels he's suffered enough) and that I've given him a temporary account on one of the public access machines in his building so that he can do his work from one of the "homeless shelters" we call the visiting cubicles. Defeated he thanks me and hangs up, hopefully just a bit wiser and nicer when dealing with the I.T. staff in the future. Plus? I got brownies. -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Now that is the way to start my morning off right,a cup of coffee and a Coyote story;) -THETECHFROMHELL "Dude. We took his CALCULATOR." One of the few times I have actually spat Pepsi from my mouth. "Dude! You're getting an abacus!" -RiffRaff *tips hat* A LART of astounding proportions delivered and, much more importantly, free food obtained too! -Loon Hope they disconnected his overhead light and gave him....a candle. Battery lantern would be too much "Technology..." -vacuumtubes Dammit, now I am craving brownies! :P -Ara Working in my local "Operations Center", I have a number of co-irkers that tend to treat the IT staff like S#!t. With the Coyote's permission, I'd like to send this story along in hopes of raising their personal understandings. (I get brownies too. No one else in my dept does.) -AngrySup hee hee "possibilites of brownies"...and they should have skinned that mofo just in case he had an implanted RFID chip. -stiffarm I personally liked the random sex change in the story. :P -ShiftedBeef Ah, 2 people involved. Nevermind. My bad. LART away. -ShiftedBeef "Excuse me, I think you have my calculator." -Calydor Sounds like someone's not very confident in their pr0n-hiding abilities. -veaudaux Are you guys hiring? -Robster2001 Full of WIN. Well played. -Seamus We're Not Worthy! </Wayne & Garth> -Ulfgaard The line "Dude...we took his CALCULATOR" just has me piddling. If someone is an asshat and tries to pull some power-play because he feels you're beneath him, having the entire IT team visit him with Security is *well* within the confines of normal response. I'm in love with this story. -Avalon68 I don't remember the BOFH ever getting brownies. You win! -Rissa A LART worthy of Simon himself. Bravo! -AmazingKreskin In the words of Charles Montgomery Burns...EXCELLENT! PS How's Herman? -RandalGraves Beautiful. Just Beautiful. (wanders off in search of brownies) -wolfprince mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, brownie flavoured larts...</homer simpson drool> -timelady *giggling* nicely done, as usual! Coyote dear, you are my hero! Well, you and Riff! -taieena and CD of course, but she's a techie chick, so you might be my hero, I want to be CD when I grow up.... -taieena And thus, the Greatest LART Ever was performed. Bravo, sir! -Darth Loved the story. -adarklite It's GOOD ta be da Coyote!! -MadJack and now my stepparents think I'm nuts, again. Thanks! oh so beautiful! -AdmiralLaurie An en masse IT department LART, supplanted by the presence of building security. I love it. -Zimmerit AANNNDDDD the scores are now in - 9.9, 9.9, 9.9, 9.7 from the Latvian judge.... -Gromit This is awesome. A symphony. -Aversion *Standing Ovation* Well done, Coyote! -Shane Now, that's what I call a LART! Strong, powerful, quick, and above all -- effective! (His attitude was definitely adjusted for the better!) -Captain Trips Oh man, mega-congrats! That was absolutely awesome. -Seamyst Excellent LART, need to forward this to a few friends. -crazymactech "Avast! Aye, mateys; we have an abusive user... AWAY ALL I.T. BOARDING PARTIES!" EXCELLENT response, sir! -Voz Game, Set & LART to the Coyote. -lineswine did you at least take his stapler? -ecoli Very nicely done. Slap the little bitches and get them trained for real occurrences. You know that this will probably go in their personnel record as a 'once' that will set them up for really close scrutiny if they ever have a 'for real' infection! -TieDyedDinosaur Holy FSM, that's brilliant. Getting to smack a luser around (figuratively speaking) *with* security present, AND brownies? You, sir, have raised the bar for us all. **begins slow clap** -SalParadise I am in awe. Add one echo of all above comments. -Ramblin WE'RE NOT WORTHY! WE'RE NOT WORTHY!!! -Grayhawk < Bows in homage to a LART-master > -Wraith556 Hums the James bond theme song. Decides its not to her liking and switches to singing Men in Black. -imawitch

16. You want WHAT? Why do I never see it coming? I was oblivious to the world as I rounded out my day by finishing off a few odds and ends that had escaped completion due to my overwhelming sense of being lazy, and not really wanting to work. Grabbing a brand new phone headset to replace one in use for a Customer Service Rep, I made my way to her cube, stopping only long enough to raid every candy jar from my office to hers. She smiled in greeting as I held up the headset to indicate that she was now free of the one that was occasionally putting a zillion volts through her head and setting her hair on fire. I'm all caring and shit. She finishes the call that she is on and removes her old headset before frowning slightly at the offering of the new one. "Does it have magnets in it?" She asked hesitantly as I looked in confusion at the standard headset in my hands. "Um...yeah?" I pointed out in my best "Um, duh, they are speakers you frigging moron." voice, causing her frown to deepen. "I can wear the ones with magnets in them." She said with a disappointed sigh. "They mess with my head, I need the ones with the non-magnetic magnets." She explained in all sincerity as I blinked rapidly. "Non..magnetic, magnets?" I asked for clarification, hoping that I had heard her wrong, but the jelly like jiggle that rippled down her neck as she bobbed her head like a whiplash victim proved beyond shadow of a doubt, that I did not. "You..you mean non-ferrous?" I asked hopefully, hoping that maybe she had a vulnerability to iron like some types of Fairy-Folk, Leprechauns and my mailman. Rolling her eyes and putting on her best "I'm talking to a moron" smile, (trust me, I know that smile, I use it constantly) she patted my hand and explained. "No dear. I need the non-magnetic magnets. They're like magnets, but they aren't magnetic." She explained, clearing THAT little mystery right up. My head spun as I thought of a million arguments, explanations and facts...but as I looked into those Matlock watching granny eyes, I couldn't bring myself to do it. So I lied. "OH! The SPECIAL headphones!" I said knowingly, stressing special so that she would think that it meant "special" wherein it really meant "Batshit insane". She nodded her head as her smile widened considerably, and I excused myself to fetch the "special" headset. I hit up a few candy dishes, and flirted a bit with the secretary who's rack was threatening to consume most of her desk, (lucky desk) before wrapping the headset in a discarded piece of cellophane and moving back to my "special" little camper. She cooed in geriatric delight as I unwrapped the "new" headset and handing it to her. Nestling them tightly on her half-deflated-football head, she nodded in approval and went back to work, the non-magnetic magnets doing their job perfectly. And now I hate the world, and those who dwell in it...just a little bit more. -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments mmm non magentic magnets, I'll go take a look over the catalogue over my egg free omelete and bread free toast. -r3tude Great stuff here! I feel like there was something "attracting" me to read it. A mysterious "pull" if you will. Another great post TheCoyote. Nice to hear from you again. -rokitt You better get her a non-electronic computer as well....think of the problems she may be having with her current PC's Em field. -EtherRabbit Solid vacuum. -vacuumtubes <da> They DO make piezoelectric headphones. No magnets required. Also electrostatic. Then again, she's already complaining about the zillion volts ... It's magnets or zillion volt, take her pick. </da> Hell, I'd give her back her old headset and tell her "It's non-magnetic, so it requires a high electrostatic charge. And that's what's zapping you. Or we can use the magnetic headset that doesn't zap you. Take your pick." -ralphp1024 Think there's much of a market for non-magnetic magnets? Perhaps you could make a killing with that ploy. -techofalltrades Wow. just wow. -Elfling I think everyone is missing the main point of this story.....Tell us about the BOOBIES!!! -Quchant Buy my dehydrated water. Just add one cup of water for each cup of water desired. What could be simpler? -Learyban New: Oil-free Oil of Olay! :P -soccerdude Offer her some non-gaseous, non-liquid oxygen. Or better yet, carbon dioxide labeled as oxygen... -PTSTech Dehydrated dihydrogen oxide. Just add water. -RiffRaff Give her a tin foil hat! She can wear that below the headphones, and it will protect her from the magnetism. :D :) :? ... er... wait. Would that actually work? -TheGhost oh my god coyote you're alive! waaheee! oh my god she's such an idiot! you brighten my day! *bows* -AdmiralLaurie Makes you wonder if the real purpose of the headset is to answer the phone or simply to hold her brains in - in which case it's already redundant. <eg> -Gromit The cellophane reminds me - if I unwrap a brand new headset before I give it to the agent, suddenly in a day or two it's "got a lot of static" or "it's making a funny noise". If I bring them an old used headset that's been stored in a box and wrapped in bubble wrap, it's the best thing ever and lasts for months if not years. Funnily enough, someone JUST rang me asking for a "new headset". One bubble-wrapped refurb coming right up. -veaudaux Wonderful story, my favorite line is of course, the last one. -Slartarama Riff your wrong..You need to offer her dihydrogen monoxide :) -neuman1812 Crap. No wonder I got a "C" in chemistry. -RiffRaff Okay... I'm going to put my Devil's Advocate mask on here and say that I know what she means and maybe even why... There are two ways to make speaker / headphone magnets, with a closed magnetic path or an open magnetic path. The open path is cheaper, but has the disadvantage that there is more flux leakage than with the closed path. If starbat wears nickel earrings, and uses an open-path headset with a huge amount of leakage, the earrings can stick to the earpiece and drag her earlobe into a funny and painful position. That said, though... that has to be about the stupidest way of expressing I think I've ever heard... and as always, our Coyote manages to tell us about it in inimitable style... and now I'll have to go outside and dust off all the crud that stuck to me while I was ROFL... -chazz *snickering* Coyote, you're here!!!!! *re-reading the story and giggling maniacally* Wow. just... Wow..... Thanks for the laugh- I needed it after today's nitwits!!! Thanks, Coyote!!! :) (And where _have_ you been lately, anyway????) -taieena Tin foil hat is for wimps, what you need is a mu-metal hat http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mu-metal - -Wonko The Sane Worried about magnetism, copper mesh cap, not tin foil. -Belunar appropriately, "i'd sooner chew my leg off" came into my ear magnets as i was reading this...this is one for the hall of 'fame' -stiffarm Bravo another well told tale from the master... the Coyote :) -THETECHFROMHELL Another client for my newly developed InstaWater(TM) bottle. Just attach the Oxygen and the Hydrogen tank (included) to the glass bottle, open the valves and press the ignition button - And Voilá - InstaWater (and one SF less)... -Dr Jerkyl Welcome back!!! And great post as always. -adarklite COYOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -TranceGemini

17. Meat SANDWICH! Meeaaat...Sandwich. "Tech Support, teaching morons what a Caps Lock key is since 1992.." I answer the phone in a bored voice, ignoring the confused silence on the other end. "What happened to the music?" The caller finally asks after a long period of reflective silence. Wow. What a good question. "Well, honestly its not a matter of what happened to the music..." I explain as I think about it. "It's a matter of what happened to the music because we as a society started mass producing it for profit rather than appreciating it at it's baser level. " I continue, the user cutting me off as I make a rather prolific statement about Simon and Garfunkle and the name Garfunkle in general. "Um..no. I mean the hold music. There's no hold music." The user informs me, completely wrecking my abnormally deep thoughts. I have the user put me on hold and sure as the word Garfunkle is just fun to say, there's no sound. Crap. I roll back and check out the "Muzak" player, and it is indeed silent. After a few moments of jiggling it and randomly pushing buttons on the front because I've never dealt with a "Muzak" player before, I come to conclusion that the CD in the player is damaged and it needs to be replaced, which takes about a nano second to do...but it's a Friday, end of day.... And I need to dick with someone. Illegally downloading and burning a GWAR CD, because lets face it - it's what GWAR would want me to do - I convert it to the Muzak format and set the player to loop on the song "Meat Sandwich", which if you haven't heard you have to. Its a VERY popular choice for wedding songs. You always see starry eyed couples getting misty whenever they hear it. "Listen Honey, they're playing our song!" They'd say to each other before tattooing a stranger's baby or starting a mosh pit in a nursing home. GWAR in place, Meat Sandwich roaring out like a kitten caught in some horrific cross between a megaphone and a blender, I call my boss and ask if I can put him on hold to "test the new Muzak player", and he agrees. After about 15 seconds on hold, I pick up the phone and he absolutely FREAKS. Loving my job I clue him into the joke and we both have a good long laugh. We joke about old ladies hearing that, people dying on hold and GWAR in general as we bond. Joke over, I reset the Muzak player to "shuffle", turn the volume down to low and leave for the weekend laughing about my own brand of wit and cleverness. Never once stopping to actually remove the GWAR CD from the Muzak player. Fast-forward to about Noon on Monday. "Tech Shop, your caps lock key is on." I answer the phone in a bit of flashback humor. "What happened to the music?" The caller finally asks after a long period of reflective silence. Except for THIS time I don't make faux witty remarks or go on Garfunkle tangents. Oh no. Oh no no no. THIS time my eyes widen in horror as an invisible cellist plays the "eeen eeen eeen" horror music as I spin and look at the Muzak player as it plays its newest batch of muzak. Moving in impossibly slow motion I mouth the word "Nooooooo!" as I lunge for the player and eject the CD. Slapping in a copy of "classical Interludes" I return to the caller and put him on hold for a moment. "That's better." The caller laughs lightly, happy to have a moment with the Tech everyone told him to be afraid of. "It sounded all garbled and weird." He chuckled making small talk as I hung up on him. GWAR. Playing on hold music. ALL weekend. And as freaked out as I am? I can't stop giggling. -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments OMFG, this is too funny. I love the idea of the 'fish having to listen to GWAR all weekend - they need to have their horizons expanded! -SalParadise ZOMG I'm ROFDLin' ovah heah! (Hope they don't give you any trouble over it, tho...) -MadJack Most excellently delivered! -TieDyedDinosaur Nice to see you posting. During the Xmas season when our hold times are around 45 minutes, we debated playing "Karma Chameleon." Our theory is, "Who can get mad when Karma Chameleon is playing" Then again, to have to listen to it for 45 minutes... <eg> -beerman That is posolutely BRILLIANT! I would've put in oldschool MLWTKK myself, but, personal preferences aside, you rock. Period. -Seamus For torture, I'd go with New kids on the Block. -TechieSidhe OMG!! I just watched the GWAR video on youtube.com...O.o...That's...disturbing! But I could just imagine the expressions on the faces of anyone who called in over the weekend...and for that, all I can do is LAUGH!! :D -rokitt TechieSidhe - I'd suggest They Might Be Giants if you really wanted to confuse the little fishes. As my writer friend once did in _Chrome Circle_, "Ladies and gentlemen of the Unseleighe, you are about to be presented with a non-stop concert of They Might Be Giants. Have a nice day." -VoiceOfSanity The music suffers. The music business thrives. </Paul Simon, Can't Run But, Rhythm of the Saints> -JTSBrown Rammstein, old-school Metallica, Guns-n-Roses, now THAT's hold music! -56Kdaytrader Oh, and speaking of hold Muzak, my optometrist's office has this AWFUL hold music I call "Bing Bong from Hell." Imagine bings and bongs at registers high enough to aggravate any eyestrain headache. GAH! -56Kdaytrader You should hear the repititious light jazz we hear in between calls! -MadJack that's brilliant! i miss one job where i used to be able to make 'custom' hold music for halloween... -DedSysOp Friday the 13th theme turned Muzak... Just imagine... -evolvedstarfish GWAR as hold music! Bwahahahahaha!! Our CEO would have an absolute coronary. The Bangles were too progressive for him so back went the Mo*yawwwwn*zart. (In case you're wondering, God What A Racket.) -edventure Nice! I especially like the part where I didn't read this 'till after I ate, and didn't have to clean my monitor afterwards. -EtherRabbit I think my monitor is ruined. I spit coke all over it after reading that! -redfaery Lol! Personally, I would have picked thinks like "Banana Phone" or "This is the Song that Never Ends"...or possibly "This is Ponderous". -docbrown01 Can always tell who's a parent. -adarklite "It's a small world, after all. It's a small world, after all. It's a small world, after all. It's a small, small. world. It's a world of laughter, a world of tears, a world of hopes and a world of fears..." ("That'll teach the little bastards!") -Captain Trips S.O.D. - "Diamonds and Rust" for terminal hold music...... and the image of the slow motion, "Noooooo" had me imagining Capt Decker on the Enterprise trying to get Checkov to Countermand that Phaser Order. -ShujinTribble I need to find our Muzak machine... must find it. Ours plays this really bad, boring, classical music. Not good classical but music that would have been written mildly retarded dog as it strained after eating too many peas. -CelticSkyhawk If I had to listen to 45 mins of Karma Chameleon I'd have shot myself. . . -shellir05 So, I'm guessing a random replay of Culture Club's repitoire is right out... (eg) -MadJack The first thing that came to mind for me for some really tortuous hold music was Barney the Dinosaur, ("I love you, you love me, we're a happy family...!"), but then I thought that when I'm being called into many of these calls, the people are ALREADY enraged! Why make it worse? -Voz Put on a collection of classic Arcade Game Music... after a few run-throughs of TRON, Pac-Man (All incarnations), Spy Hunter (Peter Gunn), once you pick up the line, they'll WANT to go back on hold. -ShujinTribble Better yet: barntrek.wav. They'll rofdl before you get around to 'em... -MadJack Shujin, I have a collection of C64 and Amiga soundtracks in MP3 format. Tetris (27mins), International Karate (8'), The Last Ninja, Octapolis, Skate or Die, lots of Demo tracks, and too many more to mention. -Wraith556 Can Anyone say Peanut Butter jelly time! Taxi! Lartshelter please. -StarFishHearder

18. Double Espresso Click "Tech Services where all my expertise and experience in the technical field is put to the good use of helping people like you understand the seemingly unphathomable concept of double clicking." I answer my phone just a tad bit bitter. I'm really not sure why, but people are REALLY annoying me today. It's like a "stupid virus" has been released here and I'm one of the only ones not affected. If I have to reset ONE more password they're getting my patent pending password made up entirely of zeroes, the letter "O", upper case "I's" and lower case "L's". "Is this the computer guy?" The person on the "I move my lips when I read" side of the phone asks, having both dialed my number and having heard me answer "Tech Services". "What can I do for you?" I ask, not even bothering with my trademark smartass comment because I know it'll just end with them hanging up and calling back when I tell them that they used an internal phone and got the IHOP down the street. The user explains that they were working right along and that their mouse just stopped working for no apparent reasons. They've already checked the cable and it *IS* plugged in, so I have to take a road trip. Navigating my way through the mind numbingly dense maze of cubicles that make up the office I find myself at the caller's desk and grab their mouse, giving it a "test wiggle" to get a feel for the situation. No cursor appears on screen, the mouse feels sluggish with no response and my hand is now soaking wet and reeks of coffee. "Hmmmmm..." I say outloud as I give it a few more test wiggles as the user watches. Still nothing. That's ODD. "And you say it just stopped working for NO reason?" I ask again, concerned while she watches on with a reassuring nod as I squeegie off her java soaked mousepad with her mouse. "What do you think it is?" She asks *HONESTLY AND GENIUNINELY CURIOUS* as small rivers of brownish liquid squirt out around the mouse pad. I look her in the eyes as I continue to wiggle the mouse and furrow my brow. She's not dicking with me, she's absolutely, 100% confused. "Well..." I start, taking a long, thoughtful pause. "These models are known to have bad USB connections to the mainboard. Sometimes a sodder joint breaks loose and the usb port will pull back off of the mother board and severe connection." I explain as she nods, relaxing slightly. "Or.." I add, smiling sweetly. "It COULD, and this is just a slight possiblity, it COULD be the gallon of fucking COFFEE that you've got it doing the backstroke in." I say with a forced smile and barely contained rage. She looks at the mouse pad, and then at me, then BACK to the mouse pad as her tiny little brain tries to process all of the information that I've sent to the data lab in that mammoth fucking noggin on top of her neck. I can tell she wants to deny it, but the fact that I'm wringing a latte out of her mousepad makes it kind of hard to do so, so she does the smart thing and clams up. I replace the mouse and mouse pad, and give it a test wiggle - relieved to see a curser which means she hasn't shorted out the board at all. Wordlessly I step aside as she sits and tests her mouse, and logs back in. As I'm walking away she asks... So was it the coffee or that other thing? I. Hate. People. -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments She didn't by any chance forget where she put her pen and now has a tampon in her hair? -TieDyedDinosaur Some one had to say it.... I WANT A NEW MMOOUUSSEEE!!!!!! Another brilliant story by the coyote -THETECHFROMHELL "Yes, waiter, I'll take an "LOL" from Column "A", a "ROFL", from Column "B", and I'll finish with a "LMFAO" from Column "C" today". Well done, sir! -Voz Aww, come on! NOBODY could possibly be THAT stup-......Oh...yes...YES THEY CAN! -rokitt :headdesk: It's... 1.5"x3.5"x5', black, and has the word CLUEBRINGER written along its length in silver. And ma'am, you're about to become acquainted. -Seamus Stories like this make me glad I work in a data center. At night. -Bobsentme what a terrible waste of space... and coffee.. -DedSysOp And I thought my first caller of the day was stupid.....Talk about being as bright as a box of broken bulbs.... -kman52000 But the coffee makes the mouse work faster, right? *glad to see you back coyote* -TechnoTherapist "That other thing." -Mushroom This lady is about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. -rockytech Wow. I mean.....wow.....this lady's idiocy just leaves me speechless. -adarklite ...who ordered the frappee grand from the Mr. Otis coffee service? -stiffarm ...we had to substitute a triple LARTee for it... -stiffarm

19. Hell hath no silly, like a Coyote Bored. It was a standard ticket item of absolutely NO excitement value what-so-ever. Run some cat cable under the floors and snake down a couple of drops. Long. Boring. Work. I finish the job, slide all the floor tiles back in place, dust myself off and grab for the work order. I fill out all the normal mundane fields such as "Tech" "Date" and "Work Order Number" and just as I'm dropping the clipboard back into my bag, I notice the bottom field. A field that I've seen a million times, a field that I've never really had to write in....a field that I reeeeaaaally shouldn't write in... Unusual Incidents to Report. Me, being me, and never leaving well enough alone, I scribble "Possible C.H.U.D. infestation" on the bottom of the work order, laugh myself kinda silly and go about my day as per usual. Fast forward two weeks. I'm sitting in my little office-space hell, scrolling through the work orders of the day when one odd description sticks out like a flaming red neon sign... "Investigate possible C.H.U.D. infestation and report findings. Ught oh. I rip open the ticket window and scroll through the information, my heart sinking with each attached e-mail. It seems that processing did it's job and reported my run in with imaginary C.H.U.D. to building maintainence. Building maintainence had never HEARD of C.H.U.D. , but rather than admitting it, they forwarded it onto Corporate for further instruction. Corporate IT processed my claim, and rather than ADMITTING that they had no clue what a C.H.U.D. was, several people escalated the issue further siting that C.H.U.D. could be a serious threat and to assign a work order for someone to investigate the situation. Because this had been escalated twice, it was automatically flagged as "High Priority" by our trackign system, and as it was assigned BACK to me to investigate the outbreak, it was also CC'd to every tech in management. Now. I'm sitting here GIGGLING. I have an OFFICIAL, RED HOT, GET-ON-IT-NOW work order to rip open the entire section of floor panel, and to look for ANY sign of C.H.U.D. or C.H.U.D. related activity. While I find this *UNGODLY* funny, I can't help but notice my Boss's name on the list..and his Boss...and HIS Boss. I'm left with only two choices. One - I can elaborate on the C.H.U.D. thing, explain it was all a big misunderstanding, be a man, pony up, take the brunt of my actions and reap what I've sown....or.. Two - I can close the ticket with no comment and hope that no one notices that a high priority ticket was closed with no work logged, all the while hiding from my actions like a little bitch. Guess which one I chose? Busying myself with as much work as I could so that no one could get a hold of me during the day, I went back to my desk to grab some paperwork... And my boss was there. And he didn't look happy. At ALL. In fact he looked so less than happy, that I could feel him sucking happiness from the room like a happiness black hole. "Heya boss!" I said with a smile because I read somewhere that smiles are contagious. He must be immune because his unhappiness grew into this weird little lip pucker that made me uneasy. "Why did you close a high priority ticket without comment when you KNOW they were looking at it?" He asked in tones that suggested maybe I shouldn't joke around at this specific time and place. "Because we don't have any C.H.U.D. " I said flatly, but curse me from being me, because I JUST HAD TO ADD "At least I really HOPE so." at the end. This did NOTHING for his unhappiness. "I hope so TOO, because if any C.H.U.D. pop up, you are going to be in TROUBLE." He said with this straight faced seriousness that really...really... ...cracked me up. "Do...you know what a C.H.U.D. is?" I asked, knowing full well that he didn't. He admitted that he is not a "techy" and asked me to explain it in layman's terms to him, so that he could understand exactly what a C.H.U.D. was. So I did. And his unhappiness increased TEN FOLD. He didn't think it was funny, he didn't find ANY humor in the fact that a report on C.H.U.D was approved for investigation by no more than THREE "head technicians", and he didn't think it would be funny when everyone found out that they just approved me to spend work time looking for monsters that only exist in my fears and in low budget horror movies. And my giggling didn't help, of this I am sure. So he had to explain to HIS boss what a C.H.U.D. was, that I'm not exactly "sane" and that he will beat me with a whip made of old cat-3 cable until I repent my evil ways. The ticket was canceled..but the damage has been done. Because every tech in the corporation is going NUTS. They're faxing me C.H.U.D. hunting guides, wanted C.H.U.D. posters...and they are reporting C.H.U.D. encounters of their own... ....and who do you think is going to get the blame for all of this? Poor, innocent me. Sometimes life just isn't fair, but hey - at least we're C.H.U.D. free! ... ... At...least I HOPE we are. -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Shit like that's gonna getcha sent to Gitmo....LOL!! -vacuumtubes Did you perhaps nibble on a hangnail while you were under the floor? Then YOU were the C.H.U.D. -TieDyedDinosaur Been a while....Cannabalistic Humanoid UnderGround Dwellers. Right? -BarmanVarn You forgot option three -- Spend an hour surfing TSC, then close the ticket with "No C.H.U.D. seen. No sign of C.H.U.D. activity (droppings, etc.) found. Closing ticket." -ThirdOfFive Damn, I gotta tone up my fat stomach before I read one from you. (Made me laugh too hard.) -srteach what kills me, is the fact that no one even googled it. that would have put an end to it before the first escalation. -3p0ch C.H.U.D. III: It Came From The Crawlspace -LinuXtreme BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *wipes a tear from my eye* Now THAT'S funny!!!!!!!!!! -Zimmerit Madonna mi! Looky what a simple Wiki-Search holds (Especially look at the URL) [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C.H.U.D. ] -ShujinTribble Now you gotta print an official looking sign saying: "This building is certified C.H.U.D free since 02/2007" <ROTFL> -TheGhost Even without the use of light beer, I have to say "I love you, man!" I was pissin' me pantalones over this one. I agree with those who say you should have fudged a little more and reported that the infestation has been annulled by a professional exterminator named George Cooper, rather than just closing the ticket without comment. Or that you got rid of the C.H.U.D. using a D.A.R.Y.L., to further the bad movie momentum. :) -Mushroom I'm laughing so hard I'm coughing! Good work, dude! -snowcrash ZOMG ROFDL!!!!11 Okay, document document document like so: "No films, no cannibals, no Apples. Case closed." There, YA is C'd. <I'd give my trademark "It's GOOD ta be da Coyote!", but I bet you'd rather I didn't...> Geordi! The transporter better be workin', cuz I got a Coyote trackin' me... > -MadJack OMG you are so crazy ;) -THETECHFROMHELL Dang good thing that my lappy's waterproof, Coyote, or I'd be hunting you down! :) -Ulfgaard BWAHAAHAAHAA!!!! <gasp> BWAHAAHAAHAA!!!! <snort> BWAHAAHAAHAA!!! <snot bubble> BWAHAAHAAHAA!!! <loss of bladder control> BWAHAAHAAHAA!!! <stomach cramp> BWAHAAHAAHAA!!! <underarm cramp><passes out> -PTSTech My stomach hurts after reading that. Bravo! -crazymactech

20. Kidding the kidder. "Bean tacos Hola Nachos, I don't speak spanish, Coyote Speaking." I answer the phone flaunting my obvious talent for languages. "Hi Coyote." The large breasted voice on the other end answered as I instantly put on my serious face and began scheduling a road trip regardless of issue. "My fax machine is acting up, could you come down and -" She was instantly cut off by me appearing as if by magic beside her. "WOW! You're FAST!" Her mammoth love lumps squealed in delight as I leaned suavely on the door frame. "Not at ...all..things." I hinted in my Barry White voice as I unbuttoned three buttons on my work shirt giving hint to the manly Batman t-shirt underneath. Chicks dig guys who are into comic books. "What seems to be the...problem." I asked as I popped another button. "The fax machine smells funny." She sighed sadly, causing her busom to heave in ways that popped a few of my buttons on their own. Right down to business. I like that in a woman. Puffing out my chest and taking a manly saunter over to the fax machine, I placed my hand on the exit vent to check for heat. With a macho and manly high pitched scream, I yelped like a kicked beagle as I yanked my scaulded hand away and sobbed like a child. Chicks dig guys who cry..and wear Batman shirts. "What the fuck?" I asked as I looked at the vent I had just touched to see if I left any scorched skin. That's when I noticed the badly browned, ever so slightly crumbling plastic...that I should have looked for before touching. Popping the case, I confirmed my suspicions and sighed in annoyance. A bad fuser. S'okay. It's under warranty which means I don't have to order parts - I can call the provider and have them send some poor sap to fix it. Other than hitting on my little melonmuffin, my work here was done. Or so I thought. The next day, my chesty Princess rings my hotline again to tell me that the Fax Repair Tech was there, and that it was an easy fix. Of course it was. I diagnosed it. *flex* "He says it was just a build up of Paper Tar." She cooed, sounding almost impressed. Paper Tar? WHAT THE FUCK? Making shit up to get out of work? That's MY trick. Oh no. oh NO no no. Not on MY watch. Materializing once again, I saunter into the clerical room as the "tech" is finishing up and offer my best dumbass smile as I thrust out my hand. "Morte Finklestein, accounting manager." I lie through my teeth as I pump his sweaty mit. "What's the problem here?" I ask as I look at the fax machine as if it were the most complicated piece of equipment I've ever seen. "Oh. Yeah. Just some paper tar discoloring the plastic." He laughs as he nods towards my Honeydews. "I told her not to worry." He chuckled giving me that "ahahah stupid women" laugh. "Really?" I said letting my inner evil fuel my rage. "Never heard of paper tar before. I thought it was a bad fuser overheating and melting the plastic, and possibly starting a fire if it was allowed to go unchecked." I growled as his eyes widened. "Did you CHECK the fuser? Or should I call your company and ask for some documention on Paper Tar?" I growl again as he opens up his tool kit and goes three shades bright red. "Maybe I should check the fuser." He admits as he rips the side off of the unit exposing melted plastic and broken parts. "Maybe I should talk to your fucking manager about you LYING on a service call." I snarl extra mean with a side of pissed off because my huge set of loveliness is suddenly looking all impressed with me. I wink to my Angeltits as I walk out of the room before telling her loudly "Let me know when he's done, I want to check it over." so that he can overhear. HE has no way of knowing that I'm far to lazy to actually DO it, but hey, it sounds good. She assures that she will and I head back to my lair with a little bounce in my step. I'm all for lying to the users, and I hate to turn on one of our own, but don't use MY tricks *on* me. That's just not respectful. -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments sigh. Just.....(tear)....so....perfectly....perfect. -CMW ....heheheehhe, Angeltits! Love it! -JoeLugian *cheers* well placed tech LART -NOFXfan All's fair in IT and big jugs. Good job. -RamenMcTavish and to think, we (girls) always thought you fixed our issues because of our sparkeling personalities. so size does matter????? -thatgirl Its not the size that counts, its how you use it! :P -RamenMcTavish We're all on the floor in here - you did it again! -PTSTech I dunno about that Ramen...what you're saying is that it's not the size of the boat, but rather the motion of the ocean...I gotta tell you though, it takes a real long time to cross the ocean in a row-boat! ;-) -EtherRabbit "So, the other day I get called in to fix a fax machine..." -Divinar great story gordie! -Hawk <sigh of admiration> Beautifully written, nicely crafted and masterfully delivered LART. -Gromit Ah, but Rabbit, one must consider the size of their oar in this case. One cannot expect to make it across the ocean with an oar like a toothpick after all. -RamenMcTavish If you've got a little boat, I'd invest in a few power options.... -drachen Size doesn't matter for me, it's how it fits into the frame. I've known girls that were slender enough to use a rubber band for a bra, and others who had more curves than my Calculus II class... they were all beautiful in their own way and I'd never have changed them. -linkv And you do have pics, right? *BFG* -linkv Therefore proving something that I figured out a long time ago - if you've got the kind of rack you can mount a server in there is no end to the amount of stuff you can get guys to do for you....:) -CommanderData <sigh of admiration> Beautifully created, nicely crafted and masterfully made RACK. </Gromit> -RamenMcTavish Shiny, I like! -RandalGraves Great story! Leaves only one question... Where are the pictures??? <G> -Ulfgaard >:( -Madrigorne ok, So lemme get this straight....because I have a huge rack....I can get guys to do things for me?!?!.....maybe I should start using this to my advantage? -tixarah tix, in a word...yup. -RamenMcTavish Keep in mind, tix, the amount of work you receive is directly proportionate to the amount of skin showing. However, it's an exponential function that reaches infinity at 100%. -maciarc This had to be a great story, if Hawk came out of lurk to thank you for it. :) -Mushroom you can get more done with a nice rack then all the personality and intelegnce in the world. My ex GF, my sister and just about every other woman i have ever known has discovered this. damnit if it doesnt work and .. ahh hell. id do a hell of a lot for a nice set of boobies. :) -Harm And from the appearance of the original story, it would seem that Coyote's woman here was showing a great deal of skin. -RamenMcTavish the "Nice Rack" option can only get you so far ladies. Tweedle dumber here at work has the nicest tracts of land. but 6 years of trying to use them instead of her brain has made most everyone immune to them. -Blackneto You were engaging in Asset Protection. Nicely played! ;) -TheMacOne

21. Veepin "Tech support, what are you doing wrong?" I answer my phone cutting right to the chase. Yeah, color me bitter but I've been around long enough to know that 99% of the "problems" are user caused. "Yeah this is (Guy who always has sweat spots on his nipples from accounting), I was told to call you for work-at-home troubleshooting?" The human bigmac on the other end of the line says in a voice that tells me that he's nervous. And rightfully so. I love the smell of fear. "No problem." I laugh in reassuring and friendly tones into the receiver as I pull up active directory. "Who gave you this number?" I chuckle in soothing tones dripping in sweetness. "Oh..um. Paul. You know Paul right?" He responds, a bit more laid back as he manages a weak laugh. "Paul? Oh sure! What can I do for you?" I ask happily as I accidentally delete Paul's user account and kick his computer off of the domain. "Well..." He hesitates and I can almost smell the smoke as I envision him looking a badly scribbled notebook full of badly translated technical jargon. "My Veepin isn't working." He admits. "Did you just pronounce the letters VPN as a word?" I ask incredulously as I add another thing to the list they'll find when I snap and kill thousands. "Why doesn't it WORK?" Nipplesweats asks, suddenly growing a spine. This snaps me out of my list making and makes me raise an eyebrow in annoyance. "What does it say when you connect?" I ask acting like I care and buying a bit of time as I bring Fat-n-gamey's account up. "No connection found. Is this a firewall thing?" My newest friend asks throwing out a buzzword he read in "Dumbass Digest" last month. "No, so far its a connection thing." I sigh, adding ANOTHER thing to my list. "How are you trying to connect?" I ask irritably. I need this guy connected so that I can disconnect him. "Um. I plug it IN." He says with an attitude that ensures that the bathroom hallway security readers are going to stop functioning in his near future. "To WHAT?" I growl, REALLY wanting this guy connected so that I can dick with him. "DSL? Cable? Old phone line? How are you connecting?" I demand, actually raising my voice a bit. "Oh. Um. Wireless. This laptop has wireless." He says proudly as if he's just solved a really hard math problem. "And is your wireless router configured properly?" I have to ask, although by now I'm getting a headache. "What's a router?" He asks and I swear to god my head explodes. "You know the thing that lets you use your home computer or laptop wirelessly?" I say sweetly through clenched teeth. "The thing you pay for once a month? How you connect to the internet?" I growl, my vision clouding. It can NOT get worse than this. "Oh. I don't have a home computer." He says helpfully. My head explodes. Seems that chuckles here took his laptop home to work from home, and plugged it into the *WALL* for power, and though that all the "magical internetty" stuff happen through his power cord, and that his PC was powered by the....BATTERY. When I tried to explain to him that if he doesn't have a network connection, he can't - get this - GET ON TO THE NETWORK, he could *not* grasp the concept. So I held the phone close to a speaker and hit the "ding" chime and told him I just received word that the internet was going to be closed this week because several of the e-mail-men were sick, and there was no one to deliver it. "There are some nasty colds going around." He sighed in understanding as he bit me farewell.....and I can't but help to think that he won this round. Oh well, not even I can bat 1,000. -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments LOL, love it. All the e-mail men are out sick. Priceless. -ThatDevilTech Yep, that line got me too. Funny shit. -FixitWench roflmfao...TSC needs an 'Otis award' or something for stories like these. -EtherRabbit Flawless Victory, FATALITY! -RandalGraves A new VPN capable router: $150, knowing they have not a clue to use it: PRICELESS! -colodude Niiiiiiiice! -GefahrMaus Love it. Sarcastic, well written. 10 Points! -BansheeTechGirl "All the e-mail men are out sick." I call new tagline, can I have it? -PTSTech "This guy called me up neepin', 'cause he couldn't get it veepin'..." Ouch. -snowcrash I've found my new excuse for 'Why won't my files upload/did you get my e-mail?' (kidding, I'm a kidder) but, Thank You Coyote!!! -MadJack Another brillant tale by the one, the only, The Coyote. -THETECHFROMHELL As soon as I finished the second paragraph, I knew this was a Coyote story. Brilliant. -Veinor *laughing* Wow...... Coyote, you did it again, but this time, thankfully, I did NOT spit out the alcohol! :) -taieena 4 thumbs up! ;) -TheMacOne

22. Wanna-Be-Me "Duodenum." I answer the phone as it rings absently noting somewhere in the back of my mind that I have GOT to stop reading Deadpool comics. "W-wha-HUH?" Comes the glib reply as I envision the caller looking at the receiver of his phone in confusion. "Duodenum. Connects your stomach to your jejunum." I explain happily, loving the word Jejunum almost as much as Duodenum. The long pause on the stupid end of the phone tells me that my mind games are working and the empire will soon be mine. "Oookay." The user drawls as if *I'm* the retard. "Look, I've got a computer down in the training room." He continues and my butt IMMEDIATELY puckers, because I *hate* the training room. You see, the instructor who "owns" the room is usually brought in for a month or two for new hirer training, refresher courses and to surf really boring porn. I don't have any problems with the porn surfage at all (well..he has bland tastes), but what I do have a problem with is *him*... He's a wanna-be tech. And the worst part is? He has *no* technical skill. Everything that he has "done" has come from popular tripe computer movies and sitcoms. If anyone in this world has hacked the Gibson, it's THIS guy. Reluctantly I made my way to the training center (Via a path that Billy from the Family Circus couldn't follow that stopped at every hot girl's desk), and stepped into the FULL classroom of hopeful new hires that have NO clue who I am. These little Hitlerites have been listening to Tommy Tall-Tale up there for about a week, and have totally bought into his schpeal. "Everyone, This is Coyote." He announces in a loud clear voice as thirty heads turn my way. "He's the other technician here." He introduces, adding the word "other" with such clarity that I know for a fact that he's been regaling the class with his made-for-tv hacker stories. "Broken computer?" I ask, uncharacteristically holding my tongue. The class is *his* and anything I say to lash back will make *me* look like the moron. He points to a PC towards the back of the room but waves a dismissing hand as I head towards it. "I've already diag'd it for you." He says smugly as his class looks on with admiration. "No power, no boot. Just order a new power supply and main board and call me when they get in." He orders as I glance at the PC and then back at his dismissal. I flicker my eyes over the PC again and chuckle inwardly, all the while holding a straight face as I look back at him. "Wow." I say, my voice actually reflecting the awe that he commands, and I can tell he's happy because he smiles this smug little smile. "Power supply AND motherboard eh?" I ask, getting him to clarify. He rolls his eyes and sighs with the class watching on enraptured. "No power, no boot. I'm guessing that storm we had last week surged out the building and fried the computer." He says as if it pains him to explain himself. "That same storm unplug the power strip?" I ask, plugging in the power strip and pushing the computer's power button. "Buhwha?" He replies as the computer beeps happily to life and starts the boot up process. I give it a quick once over just to make sure that was the issue, and head towards the door without another word. As I reach the exit I turn back, still straight faced and tilt my head. "You want those parts shipped directly to you?" I inquire innocently as half the class cracks up and his credibility falls faster than a fat kid off a swing set. He doesn't say anything, so I let myself out with a wink to some of the gigglers. I really hope he's not as full of shit as he seems to be, because as soon as I got back to my desk - I disabled his hallway access to the bathrooms. Sometimes evil can feel pretty damn good. -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments <Grabs pen and paper and starts making notes> I'm good... but I'm not THAT good! -TechnoTherapist That's *Doctor* Evil. I didn't spend six years in Evil School to be called "Mister", thank you very much. -RiffRaff ROFL!!! What a way to start the new year. :) -TechMama oh well played... /golfclap -Quchant He deserved it too! Although - when I'm talking to a starfish, and trying to sooth them, I do mention the time many, MANY years ago that I did the same thing with me Mum's Telly. In defense, it WAS plugged into the cable box - just not far enough to stay on. -ralphp1024 Sweet. Nicely done. -FixitWench Very good. Double points for punking him in front of a class that will spend the rest of their time there laughing at this idiot... -PTSTech Once again a beautiful Lart and a great story. -Gunpe You, Sir, are my hero. I aspire to a tenth of your greatness. -grrltechie You would have earned bonus points if you had had one of the closest students come over and verify your diagnosis before fixing it. Double-Boinus Score if she gave you her phone number after. -ShujinTribble (Singing) "Don't you know you gotta, Flow. Flow. Flow, Pancreatic Juice. Flow Flow, into the Duodenum" (/Weird Al "Pancreas"> -TheSingingTech Supreme! The Art of the LART lives. The trick is not in being able to put the pie in the face, it's in reading the person to know whether you have an "honest mistake"-to-be-forgiven case, where the creme pie should be handed to the subject to ease their embarrassment, and the pompous case who gets it in the face. You truly read your subjects well! -Voz That is classic..If I wasn't happily married, I'd send a cyber-kiss for making my day. -persephone that is a good start! -alsolh I LOVE DEADPOOL! -3p0ch Damn. If I told you how much I needed that today, I wouldn't have time to say thank you. Coyote, thank you again. I can't say how good it is to read your stories... now that I've learned to recognize your style within two sentences and put down my freaking coffee. -chazz wow. Just... wow. -Bynar ROTFLMAO! -sassicatz Bravo! -BansheeTechGirl Bows in homage to a LARTmaster. -Wraith556 Simple, devastating, and required no follow-up LARTing...I may have a new idol. -EtherRabbit EtherRabbit - may? http://www.techcomedy.com/users/submitted_content.php?nick=The%20Coyote -namor I am not worthy! -ThreeBucks i love reading your posts....they are so well written and entertaining.....and nicely done with the bathroom passes haha -tixarah BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Bow down to the... damn, Wraith beat me to it. "It's GOOD ta be da Coyote!!" -MadJack Nice! But the REAL LART comes in the form of DETAILED documentation that gets sent up the chain. -Stryker One Great story as usual, but I gotta ask: access keys for the restrooms?! Is manglement afraid that someone's gonna swipe the TP or something? -BayouTech ah. ain't revenge grand? good going! -AdmiralLaurie

23. Compassion A knock on my office door snapped me from intense googling for the words "Mammoth Love Nugs" and back into the real world. I *hate* that. Wondering who was foolish enough to not only venture into the lair, but actually poke the bear, I looked up and was pleasantly surprised to see a smiling face. "Can I help you?" I asked tentatively, doing that half stand thing that looks like I'm getting up, but not fully so she can't see the happy tent googling for boobie pics has given me. "HI!" She replied cheerily as she boldly strode in. "Just passing out Company swag!" she laughed and I realized where I knew her from! It was the "HR Happy Police". See, when morale dips below a certain level here, they send the happy police around with key chains and mouse pads with the company logo. These things confuse you and stop you from forming thoughts like "I need to burn the building down" or "Tom from accounting needs a gaping hole in the middle of his forehead". Luckily, I'm a tech and immune to such tricks. "No thanks!" I say with a smile as I sit back down with the hopes that perky here will go away. She doesn't. "Have a pen!" She says with a smile as she thrusts a logo pen in my face. "No thanks!" I smile as I resist the urge to show her the happiness in my lap just to make her go away. "Awww..wuts wong? You don't want me pens?" She says in a faux sad voice as she makes what I'm sure she thinks is a cute face at me. It doesn't work. 1) I have no heart so sad faces don't affect me, and 2) She looks like she ran the 100 meter dash in a 50 meter room. I'm pretty sure to be "cute" at least TWO of your teeth have to be facing the same direction. But the smartass in me takes over so I put on my own sad face. "No..its not that." I say sadly and offer a little sigh. "My mother was killed by a pen..and..well..I only write in pencil." I explain, holding up a pencil with teary eyes. "I am SO sorry!" She says, completely fucking falling for it. I mean, shock, horror, compassion....you can't buy stupid like this folks - it has to be HOME grown from years of hippy compassion. I go back to work, she leaves without another word and I forget about her as I go about my crappy day. Returning from a service call...what do I find on my desk? A stack of company pencils. Yeah. I'm that evil. [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Damn you are evil! Good show old bean, bloody good show! -RandalGraves You know, printers have ink too. You should go for broke and state you can't work on them anymore either. =P -Bobsentme OMFG!!!!! Best damn thing I've ever heard. -drachen Simon has an evil twin, and his name is, "The Coyote." ;~} -RiffRaff You are a devil person. -vacuumtubes Simon Trafaglia gets visited by the Cheerful Fairy... -Dante668 "I'm pretty sure to be "cute" at least TWO of your teeth have to be facing the same direction." THAT'S A KEEPER!!! -PTSTech That was f’ing hilarious! Only you, Coyote, only you. -Gunpe Ok, three things: 1) Googling for "Mammoth Love Nugs" - 0 Hits 2) Googling for Mammoth Love Nugs (no quotes) - "about 622" page hits 3) You REALLY need to hear the routine done by Mark Lundholm about "Cheetos". Yeah.. REAAAAAALY have to. -ShujinTribble Whenever the world looks bleak, I read the words of Coyote and regain my evil spirit. I want to be just like him when I grow up (although, obviously still female because it's nice having your own mammoth jugs...) -CommanderData It's not nice if you never share. I swear, if I were a woman, I'd make damn sure I was the center of attention all the time, nippular attention be damned. -namor Uh... I mean... crap, did I drink that whole bottle? (wanders off in search of more 'painkiller'. -namor Dammit you brought a tear to my eye. That was beautiful. -burrkiss LOL another great tale from THE COYOTE!! -THETECHFROMHELL This is why I hang out here. It is very seldom that I can read something and it will make me laugh out loud. Coyote... thank you. -chazz

24. Chunky Monkey "Techshop, what did you break?" I answer the phone, cutting right to the chase. The sharp intake of breath and angry stuttering that answered me tells me that my jovial phone greetings are not going unappreciated. "I didn't break ANYTHING smartass!" comes the clever response. "YOU DID!" The caller adds unwittingly causing the deletion of their "shared drive". Who can predict these computer glitches? Weird right? "I sorry, I don't break things, I fix them. I'm like a doctor...or a faith healer, you know - without the touching of kids and inbred southern accent." I explain, hoping that he sees the error of his ways. He doesn't. "MY PASSWORD DOESN'T WORK! And you've had to reset it EVERY DAY THIS WEEK!" He growls, and the image of my portly little friend comes to mind. I immediately know who it is, and he's right. I HAVE had to reset his password all week, which is WEIRD, because up until a few seconds ago when I wiped his document folder for calling me a smartass, I *hadn't* been dicking with him at all. "I'll be right down." I say happily as I schedule a road trip. When there is an issue like this, sometimes it needs to be dealt with in person. You see, it gives the impression that you care, that you are dedicated, and that you TRULY want to help. That, and his secretary has these AMAZINGLY HUGE cans, always shows cleavage and flirts with me horribly. My, but my motives are pure. So after chatting up his secretary's rack, I head into Tons-of-Fun's office and smile pleasently while looking at my clipboard. "Password issues?" I ask looking very intently at the print out of today's Dilbert cartoon that sits on my clipboard. "You know DAMN well it is, just get over here and fix it!" Pizza-the-hut jabbers as he sucks in his folds and makes room for me to inspect his pork rind encrusted computer. I clack away as I check out the normal stuff. Keyboard..no issues. Lots of food and crumbs, but it's working. Gross, but working. Login script is fine...I'm not having any issues typing...what the hell? "Sign in for me." I instruct, slightly puzzled as he pours himself back into his chair, which screams in agony and begs me to kill it. I think not, suffer chair. SUFFER. He types in his username, incorrectly, twice, and after getting it right (finally), tabs down to the password field. That's when I notice.... His twelve pound Jimmy Dean sausage fingers are incapable of pressing just ONE key at a time. His hands are so mammoth, and his fingers so bloated in a "Mickey Mouse Glove" cartoon kinda way, that he depressed all the surrounding keys when he takes a stab for the one he wants. Now..I am evil. I am an asshole, and I am the personification of mischief - however, I don't have the heart to tell a fat dude that he's fat, and because his little piggy digets are so oinky, he can't use human sized keyboards. So I do the only thing I know how to do when I can't fix a computer problem. I lie. "Aaah. Your biometric idenification notifier has shorted out." I say knowingly, just making impressive sounding shit up. It seems to work because his eyes glaze over like he's thinking about donuts. "My WHAT?" He asks, his already squinty eyes...um..squinting more. "Your biometric signature." I say like he should know what I'm talking about. "Your keyboard is imprinted with YOUR fingerprints - it keeps HACKERS from typing in your password if they know it." I add, stressing the word hackers. It ALWAYS impresses the mortals. "Its on the fritz. Here." I say handing him a pencil. "Until I can fix it, type your password with this." I explain, handing him the trusty number two. He seems dubious of my lies at first, but he grudgingly accepts the pencil and uses it to stab out his password....and it works. "Isn't technology just AMAZING?" He asks in wonder as he stares in awe at the pencil in his hand. I agree with him and leave, making sure to have his chesty secretary sign off on the work order. Of course, three people have asked me when they are getting biometric keyboards...so I might have just set myself up for a fall.... -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Awesome, the story was so good, it was like I was there, nubbling the secretary's boobies, licking the keyboard, boobies again, sniffing the slightly crackling yellow stains under the big guy's never quite pressed shirt, boobies again, the smell of his dinner wafting from his never tightly enough clenched sphincter to give the room that special biomeat smell, mmmmm boobies. I thank you coyote. -mugglemage "The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now." </Simpsons> -SalParadise Deliciously evil. -vacuumtubes Coyote, sir, I bow to your most excellent storytelling skills. A true talent, over here! -beerman COYOTE you are the man.. -THETECHFROMHELL Set yourself up for a fall? Dude, you're missing an opportunity here. All you gotta do is switch a few keyboards around, for a nominal fee, since "Biometric Keyboards" cost more, and aren't covered by the company yet, and you've got some extra dosh! -wolfprince In order to not fall yourself, just tell everyone who asks that they already have biometric keyboards and always have. -squatchie666 wow man, i get even by going back later and cutting thier phone service so they get charged for the call (im a cable guy) but your EVIL. Can i take notes? -burrkiss Now, I'm female and have no particular desire to lust after another female's boobies, but if I were The Coyote, I'm thinking the first person who will need a new biometric keyboard is that secretary, and boy, they sure take a LOT of time to install properly, don't they?! -TechMama http://www.fentek-ind.com/bigkey.htm -madonnac

25. Adjusting my Tinfoil Hat... Last week I was sitting at my desk, surfing a bit of porn, and trying to scarf down my lunch between lulls in user stupidity. I no sooner unwrap my tinfoiled up sandwich (I was out of baggies.) and lift it to my lips when a User entered my lair. "Are you eating?" She asked while watching me raise the sandwich to my mouth. "Newp. Just kissing it for luck." I say with a sigh as I set it down, pure stupidity flavoring my lunch and killing my appetite. "Hey..what's that?" She asked naively as she pointed to my lap. Okay...I know what you're thinking, hell, I know what *I* was thinking, but she wasn't very cute and had no breasteses to speak of, so I let it go, and looked down. The tinfoil from my sandwhich had settled in my lap and was nicely covering one leg. NOW. I could have just said "That's the tinfoil from my sandwich." laughed, and picked it up. But 1) It's *ME* we are talking about, and 2) She looked particularly gullable, so I decided instead to fuck with her. "It's a mouse shield." I say in a tone that tells her that she's stupid for never having heard of what I just made up. "A WHAT?" She asked with wide eyes, stepping forward. "A Mouse Shield." I say again, tilting my head in confusion. "You don't USE ONE?" I asked incredulously, and you could almost SEE the fear boiling inside her. "NO! What do you use it for?!" She asked in amazement as I reeled her in. "Optical mice...you know the ones with the glowy red bottoms?" I clarified as her eyes started to glaze over at the word "optical". "They give off HUGE microwave radiation, so you use a piece of tinfoil to block the rays so you don't get cancer." I explained, smoothing out my tinfoil. "I SAW THAT ON THE NEWS!" She exclaims in horror, making me almost laugh out loud, but luckily I could cover it with a cough. I answer her non-related question and the ditz runs off back to Stupid Land, where I quickly forget about her. Until I walked by her section in the Cube Farm today...and noticed that almost EVERYONE IN HER AREA......had tinfoil covering their legs. I am so going to hell. ******Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Yes sir you are, but at least you will have good company there! -RandalGraves See you there. -StarsRus Great to see you're back! ... No, I don't mean to hell, but here to TSC. Hell is next door. :) -TheGhost LOL good One COYOTE, welcome back and I like that big butt too. -THETECHFROMHELL "Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket?" You should have told her its the new Space Napkin and let her wipe her mouth with it. ::Follows the yellow brick LART road:: -RA Your contribution to the Ministry of Misinformation is noted...LOL! -vacuumtubes Love it. -FixitWench WHAT A MIND! Twisted, devious and SO entertaining. Far-out! -TieDyedDinosaur Coyote, you ARE the BOFH! -Captain Trips Not to worry, guy... I'll be the one drivin' the bus. I'll save you a GOOD SEAT. -ShujinTribble Yikes, that womans stupidity is contagious! -Stryker One That's it! I'm off to make a tinfoil codpiece post haste!! ;) -viennasausage Frelling great! you just got the whole department! I just hurt myself laughing. -wolfprince OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!......CHEST HURTS .....CAN'T BREATH... and they say rednecks are stupid, hey wait a minute....i'm a redneck. Thank god i'm not like them. -Hitechredneck You need to go back, and explain that "tin foil" won't actually protect them, they have to purchase the sheilded protection... and then sell them 1 foot squares of tin foil... for $39.99 each -duckhead Jeez, and I'd have just told her "I chew this stuff after every meal to keep my teeth white and sparkly, don't YOU? Here, have some to take back to your desk!" Seriously, you rock... I laughed out loud when I read this, and my teenager thought it was pretty damn funny as well. -TechnoCat Oy fark I'm ROFDL'in' ovah heah1!! "It's GOOD to be da Coyote!!" <Welcome back, dude!> -MadJack My horse-laughter almost woke the little Daytraders! -56Kdaytrader That was the funniest damn thing I have ever heard of and I may try that on some of my fishies in the office. -redfaery Welcome Back! another Coyote classic made my day -NOFXfan "Coming up next - What can kill you in the Office. The Coyote will give us the 5 most common items inthe office that cankill you without protection. Later - "Dubya" says something obvious - again." 3 thumbs up! -TheMacOne

26. New PC Blues.. "Tech Shop, Coyote Speaking." I answer the ringing phone politely as I stare intently at a picture of Paris Hilton, trying to figure out (in vain) what is up with her one squinchy eye. "This computer you gave me SUCKS!" The voice on the dumb side of the phone screams making my eye go all squinchy like Paris Hilton. Mebbe she's a tech...hmmm.. "I give out a lot of sucky computers, could you be more specific? Who is this?" I ask, knowing perfectly well who it is. "YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHO THIS IS!" He screams back. Shit! HE'S ON TO ME! Trying not to giggle, I clear my throat and turn on my big boy voice. "Sir, and or madam," I start, because I'd hate to offend the person on the other end by claiming that they were the wrong gender. "I have over three hundred users that I support alone. If you factor in the over flow support, and the walk ins, I am up to over ....five hundred and eighty people." I explain, making up numbers because they sound more impressive than the real ones. "So, I apologize if I don't recognize your voice Tom. May I ask who's calling?" I ask Tom, wondering if he's as sharp as I give him credit for. "It's Tom in marketing." He explains, confirming that he is. "And what is the nature of your call?" I ask professionally as I make scribbling sounds with the wrong end of a pen on a piece of paper. "This new PC you gave me. It's a PIECE OF CRAP. How am I supposed to get any work done?" Tom screams into the phone and my eye goes all Paris Hilton again. I may have to have that looked at. "The keyboard is filthy and disgusting, and the mouse has crud stuck to it. Maybe you should do your job instead of playing video games all day." He accuses in an angry voice, and I wonder for a moment if he's got a camera on me. Wait. Tom...in Marketing? New PC? Why the HELL wasn't this ringing any bells? Something wasn't right, and my Spidey-sense was tingling. With the speed of someone who is barely doing his job while looking at naughty pictures he found while googling for "boobies", I flip through the ticket system and bring up the paper work on this mouth breather. "So, your PC is slow, and your keyboard and mouse are disgusting?" I ask in a concerned voice that I practiced all morning. "Don't you clean this shit?" Tom asks in a haughty voice. "Whoever had this crap before me was a god damn SLOB. There's food and stuff in the keys." He states flatly, and I have to admit - he's right. "We didn't give you a new PC Tom. We just moved your old one to your new desk. That one is yours." I say sweetly as I crush his soul underneath my bootheel. There's this really long awkward pause as Tom is probably looking REALLY closely at his keyboard and mouse and realizing that for once, I'm not lying. "Oh! I see the problem! Nevermind!" Tom says quickly, trying to hang up the phone, but I'm not done. "Since you mentioned that there is food in the keys, I have to state for the record that there is a no food or drink policy at your desk Tom." I say through a bite of my sandwich. "I'll send you a reminder letter and cc the rest of your department." I finsh as I suck down the rest of my Orange soda, all the while sending the policy that is going to make Tom REALLY popular with his cube-mates. "Anything else I can do for you?" I ask helpfully, but he has already hung up. Mebbe next time he'll be nicer, I hope - but they never are. *********** Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments hrm.. the tricorder shows unexpectedly reduced posterior in this vicinity. -illiterate He is ALIVE! Wait a tick...that means I'm out $10. Anywhoo welcome back! -RandalGraves Welcome back! -Grue Good Lart... well played... oh... and can I have a sip of that orange soda? Our machine's out today! AND out of Grape Fanta! -TechnoTherapist Simon Travaglia is alive and well. Bravo! -Dante668 Fanta? There is no caffeine in Fanta - Sunkist or nothing! -Divinar As always, a pleasure to read a coyote post1 -beatmewithstick I'll have to mention LART of the year honours more often, if it'll make the fuzzy fu...nster, yeah, that's it, show up. -namor The squinchy eye got me, yours, not hers. Great to read you again. -IceRuby WooHoo!! Coyote's back! Glad to see you, man! -JoeLugian Who loves orange soda? I love orange soda! </Kel> -PTSTech Grape Fanta is my fallback when we're out of Sunkist... next is Mt. Dew. I also keep a warm cup of coffee in my hand at ALL times. -TechnoTherapist LOL...pure LOL, oh, bte Coyote, your BOFH is showin! -3p0ch Double-kill, Ultra-kill, Monster-kill, Ultra-kill, You are the winner, Flawless Victory!!! (Yes I've been playing UT2004 a lot lately. Downloaded some cool new maps ;) ) -Wraith556 Welcome back Coyote. Nice to see you're still kickin' starfish butt. -wolfprince *bows to the Master* ...such an honorable victory sensai... when will you teach me "The Lingering LART Smackdown of Death"??? -duckhead Coyote! Great to see you back, and with a quality LART too. Seriously mate, we really need posters of your calibre right now. -Gromit Damn I wish I was that good sometimes....I just get kinda bitchy when they are that retarded -tixarah That was a 9.8 on the LARTing scale...good job, man! -snowcrash That was excellent! Oh, and as for orange soda, I like mixing it with cream soda for that Dreamsicle effect. -56Kdaytrader As usual you had me hystericl with this post. Please don't stay away too long ... We miss you and the laughter that you bring to us;) -THETECHFROMHELL I see your Lart is as big as mine... I see a little 'friendly' competition in the near future... lol again... good work! -TechnoTherapist What can one say other than 'DAYYUMM'! -TieDyedDinosaur 'bout fucking time pal... Welcome Back :) -Spyder19

27. Anyone got the munchies? Abusing users is hard work, and after a long day of taking calls, playing video games and sucking down highly caffeinated beverages, a tech gets certain ...urges. Private urges that one usually wouldn't express in such a ..public forum, but urges that must be expressed for the sake of the story. I had to pee. Reluctantly leaving the office of doom and stepping over the corpses of users who had died in front of my door while "waiting" for me to assist them, I grab my security badge and head off to the rest room. A small office restroom consists of two urinals separated by the little "pee splash wall" that is invaluable for keeping "Peekers" away, AND for "Good Time" phone numbers of the favorite supervisor of the week. One of these urinals was occupied, so wordlessly, I saddled up to the other and let nature and Mountain Dew take their course. *crunch crunch crunch* NOT a sound you want to hear from the guy standing next to you takin' Dorothy to the Wiz if ya get my drift. *Crunch Crunch CRUNCH* More crunching. Curiosity and my masculinity be damned, I broke guy rule numero uno - I looked over. (Please note, OVER. I looked OVER, not over and DOWN with Big Bambi Doe Eyes, OVER. Straight Across. Thank you.) And now I know why this rule is always in place with no exceptions. Head thrown back, one hand on his "little accountant" and chewing happily was a guy from marketing. Peeing, (I assume, again I didn't look down, stop assuming things!) and eating hungrily from a bag of Fritos that he had placed on the back of the urinal. We'll let that sink in for just a moment. I can not EXPRESS the horror and nausea that I felt in that nano second glancing. My head snapped forward at such speeds that three vertebrae in my neck shattered. If the boogeyman was standing next to me eating BABY HEADS from a sack of human flesh, I would have not have been more creeped out. The Frito Bandito finished his business, snagged a few munchables for the road, and left the bathroom without so much as tossing a polite glance to the sink. I on the other hand scrubbed like Lady Macbeth, the scalding water drowning out my girlish sobs. This is why I never leave my office... [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Veinor No! Don't make me go outside... The evil co-workers will infect me! Aw, damn.. need more caffiene... -Freyar Well, there goes my apetite........ -Sidewinder I may never eat Fritos again. -Tekkie Garbage in.... -vacuumtubes Must be an accounting thing. We have an accountant that I have seen twice, leave the stall and head straight for the door. Not even a pretend visit at the sink to rinse dust of his hands. Not even a good bye wave at the sink. Hand outstretched for the door handle. -Year9595 ya know, i have the ass flu right now. and as ubershitty as a I feel, you managed to make my stomach hurt more. Ahole. Ok, just got back from the throne. I let fly a torrent of liquid shit while screaming COYOTE!!!!!! Now we are even. -burrkiss Heh, just wait until he brings a TV dinner into the stall with him. -Bobsentme Someone who uses the restroom every afternoon in my section makes spitting sounds after taking care of his bodily functions. What he's spitting, though, I have no idea - nor do I want to! -Sidewinder Nooooooo... -PTSTech Old joke: "At Harvard, we were taught to wash our hands after peeing." "Well, at Yale we were taught not to pee on our hands." Humor aside, though, ewwwwwww! -Captain Trips That's just wrong. Once, at an airport, I dropped my unopened bag of Doritos onto the restroom floor. I had bought them for the flight. I chose to buy another bag. -JTSBrown The lousy SOB I used to work for had a notepad he kept track of hand washers/ non hand washers. He'd also turn on the sink and unroll some paper towels BEFORE using the John. I'd make sure to use his sink, turn off the water and use his paper towels...except for the times he pissed me off..then I wouldn't wash and made sure he saw me open his office door and shut it or something that he'd have to use his hands for. I honestly to this day HATE him with every fiber of my being. -Crashville There are some advantages to working in the hotel industry. Thanks to having to maintain food and beverage service safety standards, if I catch another employee doing any part of that, well, it's the hammer of Thor, baby! I just bring their manager and Human resources into it, and they will learn their manners! *can you say, "Norwalk Virus", boys and girls? I knew ya could!* -Voz MMMMMmmmm Frito's GAAAAHHHH</Homer> -VIPERsssss On the plus side, Coyote, now you know NEVER to accept any snacks offered by that cow-worker. Particularly, salty ones. ... <yuck!...> -TheGhost did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor thinking he had a horribly incurable illness on his penis? Turns out he was just eating cheetos. I would laugh, but the joke may have been based on my ex. ;P -mousie In answer to your question: Not now, no!. -Digital Dogcow <carlin> I never wash my hands after going to bathroom, unless I get shit on my palms after wiping my ass and that only happens maybe 2, 3 times a week tops! </carlin> -areatech So now we know -- it's Coyote's name that Burrkiss calls out while expelling bodily fluids. -concept14 That is so wrong. I was roaring for about 5 minutes, and yet I was enormously grossed out. -56Kdaytrader Yeuchh!!! Eating in a bathroom is simply not done!!! More-so here as someone in the Accountant's office next door is yet to master the art of FLUSHING the toilet (and they don't use paper either). It's a real vomit inducer to see the floaters in the bowl. -Wraith556 {Squidward, after Spongebob tries to get him to try a crabby patty whilst in the bathroom}"Spongbob! If I didn't want a crabby patty out there, what makes you think I'll find it more appealling IN HERE!?!?" :D -rokitt Now I'm glad I already had dinner. That's just disgusting... -MadJack It is a good day. We have both posted bathroom stories. (I didn't read yours until several hours after I posted mine. Was in a hurry on a break with a borrowed computer in an unlit classroom.) BTW, it has to be said: "Medicated Baaaaaaaaaybeeeeee Heads!!" -Mushroom So now we know -- it's Coyote's name that Burrkiss calls out while expelling bodily fluids. -concept14 Makes me glad I don't eat Fritos. -KadsterKAD The only way this could have been worse? He switches hands in the middle of doing his business. -Bobsentme

28. Wet work.. I'm being shadowed. Okay, not in the cloak and dagger cool way that you get shadowed when you are the prime suspect in a jewel heist and "Tommy No-Thumbs" wants his diamonds back... ..shadowed as in, I've got a dude following me around at work. He's here from HQ on a totally non-tech assignment, but because I talked to him and made the mistake of being friendly....he's following me around like a puppy waiting for his belly to be scratched. And trust me. You don't want to scratch that belly. It would be like touching Bigfoot's ball sack, but without the fun involved in doing so. But back to why any of this is relevant.... My boy Bigfoot isn't the brightest light on the stripper's pole if you get my meaning. He's big, he's lumpy - and I swear on all that I hold holy - he drools. His chin is constantly wet and glistening, and every once in a while there's this magical silk spider's web of spit connecting his chin to the front of his shirt. Real chick magnet this guy. So, I ditch him for a bit and he asks as I run screaming away if he can use my PC to check his e-mail. He's not going to hurt anything, and he has his own roaming account so I give him the thumbs up as I hurdle a Rep's desk to get away from him. I work. Mindless stuff that I put off until I need it to avoid people like this, and a few hours pass without incident. I head back to my desk, go to sign in and slap down a big ol' CTRL+ALT+Delete to get to the domain login. Nothing. Errr? Nothing? What the hell? CTRL+ALT+DELETE. Nothing. What the fuck? I glance closer at my keyboard. There is WATER spilled in my keyboard! MY CONTROL KEY IS SHORTED BECAUSE SOMEONE SPILLED WATER! I am livid. Who the hell was drinking at my desk?!?! HEADS WILL ROLL!! Anger clouding my judgment, I pry off the key and watch in horror as in dawning comprehension the long silver string stretching from my hand to the keyboard reminds me of something else. My keyboard was full of spit. Not just spit, but Bigfoot saliva in all of its stringy glory. I scream like a woman and huck the key towards the garbage can, and in my efforts - a backlash of spit hits me in the face. I recoil as if burned by acid, and feeling my lunch doing a Michael Flatly in my stomach I run towards the restroom. The water hits me like lava - burning my flesh - purifying my body, and blistering my skin...but it can't wash away the memory. This place should offer hazard pay. -Coyote [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Unclean! Unclean! -torgo AAARRGHH!!! A GHOST!!! ... I mean, A COYOTE!!! ... or am I seeing things? <Good to see you!> -TheGhost BLEAH! Bigfoot slobber! Get the alcohol, get the bleach, get the paramedics! That stuff is a hazardous material! Call HR! :p -snowcrash He's back! Woot! At least you found the missing link, Coyote... Now capture him in a cage with bars made from bug-zapper cores and sell him to science. -exzyle2k This is by far, without a doubt, the most disgusting story I've ever read on TSC. -squatchie666 Maybe the office can all chip in for some bibs for Bigfoot the Drooling Imbecile? -Sidewinder Welcome back, Coyote! You have been missed. -Tekkie The day is suddenly looking brighter -- is it the coffee? Or is it the Coyote? Welcome back... and I'm truly sorry that you had to suffer so much, to bring us this story. -chazz He drools??? Did he wear a helmet too? Was his name Ed? : ) -JoeLugian EEWWWWWW, that was so nasty. But if anyone could put an artistic spin on that nastiness it is THE COYOTE. So glad to have you back. -THETECHFROMHELL Thanks! I really needed that!! It's been such a dull rectal itch all day. -gemachte Another fan of Stephen Lynch, Joe? At least the coyote-bigfoot connections make more sense to me... -namor I've been slimed! </ghostbusters> -Starfury That was more surprising, unexpected, and unbelievable than I was prepared for. The Coyote is actually back. (What? You thought that the existance of drooling imbeciles seemed unbelievable? I work in computer tech support.) -HidariMak yaaaaaaaayyyyy! I made drool.....yaaaaaayyy ;) -JoeLugian Yayyy! Yayyyy! I checked my E-mail Yayyy! Yayyy! I made someone nautious Yayyyy! Yayyyy! -edventure Kahhhhhhhhn! Must've beat me by seconds Joe. -edventure EEEEEEWWWWW! Has anybody seen the brain bleach? -sassicatz Great. Just ate my lunch, come here and read this story. YUCK! -K9Insanity My coworkers think I've lost what little mind I have left, as I sit here howling (pun intended) at this story. Welcome back, Coyote!! The bleach is on your left... -PTSTech honey, you dont need bleach - you need an EXORCIST! umm it IS an oh&s isue. ok, stretching it, but it may remove the leech of doom from your life;) -timelady not AS disgusting as the denture guy. but still damn nasty, and a finely crafted tale of horror, i almost feel bad about laughing that hard. -rhiannon "DO - NOT - WANT" </*chan msg boards> -ShujinTribble And to who is this "sub-moron" related to? -Wraith556 Good to hear from you again. Fortunately I remembered what your stories are like and set my drink down before reading this one. -concept14 "It's GOOD to be da Coyote!" <Obligatory>... (Okay, maybe not today.... TAXI!! <G>) -MadJack Hey! He is alive! Wait a second, that means I'm out $10! -RandalGraves I love when I can tell who's written a story before I even get to to their name. I recognized The Coyote by the time I got to "Real chick magnet this guy." Good to see you back :-) -Mango Next time you see him, try getting him to look straight up and see if he drowns in his own saliva. I'd be willing to bet $5 that it would take 150-160 seconds. -MarkerMage *gag!* And yay, a Coyote! -Parilla

29. First Impressions... I feel like crap. I’m queasy, my stomach is cramping, and I’m at work because there is a HUGE project, visiting big wigs from Corporate, and I am really truly needed. And I feel like CRAP. The problem with REALLY being sick at work is that no one believes you. You could tongue kiss the monkey from Outbreak in front of them, have bedsores the size of small countries and be leaking fluids from orifices that you didn’t know you HAD… …and people will STILL give you the “you’re faking” look that I absolutely cannot stand. So…I’m in the server room looking to impress and wow the visiting wigs of bigness when it hits me like a ton of bricks. I must have been throwing off that “I’m sick” vibe pretty hard because a couple of the visiting giant toupees start giving me a bit more room and asking me if I’m okay. I admit that I’m feeling kind of queasy, drawing immediate ire from one of the “tough” guys who tells me that I’ll be just fine. “You’ll be fine.” He says, giving me the “you’re faking” look. “I know.” I reply, but the back of my neck is sweating. “You don’t look that bad.” He says, giving me the “you’re faking” look. “I know.” I reply, but the back of my tongue is going dry. “I come in sick all the time.” He says, giving me the “you’re faking” look. “BLLAAARRRGGGGGHHH!!” I reply, violently throwing up into the wastebasket at his feet. Chaos ensues. He screams jumping back about four feet with little anime “!’s” over his head as someone else tears ass towards the server room door and out to freedom as they make me-induced gagging sounds. “BBBBLLLLAAAARRRGGHHHH!” I reiterate a bit more violently, just in case no one heard me the first time, and I pause my dialogue just long enough to notice that the cheerios that I had for breakfast have managed to magically reassemble themselves into fully non-chewed O's. “BBBLLLAAARRRRRGGGHHH!” my screams shatter my insightful reflections on breakfast cereal re-assembly as I double over in pain and throw up what seems to be one of my shoes. After riding the puke-train to spewtown several times, I lift my head up and look around. The server room – is empty. I quickly bag up the evidence (thank the gods for tiny garbage bags), and look around for more just incase there’s any leakage. I triple bag my lunch (HA!), and move out feeling MUCH better to chuck it in the dumpster out back. As I’m moving back into the building security stops me, and asks how I’m feeling. Honestly? I’m feeling a lot better, so I smile and tell them so. “You realize I got it ALL on tape.” He tells me jokingly as I realize he’s right. You see the server room is under constant security…and now I have to get dirt on HIM so that this tape doesn’t make it to the company Christmas Party. *sighs* No rest for the wicked… [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Just threaten to put your 'lunch' in his car if it ever comes to that. *grin* -teivrann Ya should have went for his shoes. -BunnieTechBabe Serves them right...muaahahahaha! -PTSTech I have'nt seen that sig in 18 years! -beatmewithstick For some reason I am thinking about that fight club scene with lou from lou's bar. The part when he's spewing his blood all over lou. That would have been best. "Yup, you're right. I'll be fine now. You might want to clean that up, though." BFEG. -UnderLord Forget the company Christmas party; you'd better hope nobody from TSC lays their greedy little paws on that tape. The possibilities are endless... <eg> -RiffRaff My dad told me whenever I had to puke to make "the noise" and it would come up easier. And you know that tape will end up on the internet someday... -Starfury boogers and puke, your stories are starting to have a theme (sure it's only 2 stories...) :-D -NOFXfan Dirt on the security guy, eh? Don't YOU, in your capacity, have access to the security tapes, too?<transmits via ESP evil plans for capturing security guy in a "compromising" position> :) -rokitt Look at it this way - you can time how long it took "Mr.Tough Guy" to high tail it out of range & how he looked immediately after your chucking up. As he didn't hang aroung whilst you lost your lunch, his 'I'm hard, me' reputation will come crashing down in flames. -lineswine hope your feeling better -LowLevelFormat Poor widdle Coyote. Here, this'll make you feel better. <hands over anvil> -namor I'm sorry to hear and hope you are doing much better now, this story had me laughing so hard. -TheBlackKnight Mr. Bigwig "I come in sick all the time" is really Mr. Big Pussy. -vacuumtubes A friend of mine is a "sympathetic upchucker" - if he sees, smells, or hears vomit, he starts to do the same. We made him lose it with faked sounds at a baseball game once... -Divinar A similar but completely different situation happened to me, Boss walked in "You look like hell Drachen." "I'll be fin...BLARGHEGHEHGHEHG!!!!!!" -drachen No fair, no fair, no fair! Now my co-workers are giving me weird looks for my laughing so loud. >_< -ThreeBucks <ROTFL> I know I should have a laugh at your distress, but the story was told so well I couldn't resist a chuckle.</ROTFL> Sure beats calling to Jesus on the big white telephone. -Wraith556 Oooops! That should read "shouldn't have a laugh..." Oh what the hell. I'll be in the LART shelter. -Wraith556 Only you can make some-one feel so sympathetic while laughing so hard. You truely are a twisted individual. -wolfprince Good for you, Coyote - when you're feeling queasy and some arsehole gives you the "you're faking" look, there's nothing like a large Technicolour yawn to say "Told ya!". Shame you missed his shoes though. And his suit... -Gromit Dude.....POST IT! -Psudo36 My wife is thinking of calling the people who have the jacket with the long arms. Thank you for the stress relief. -srteach You could tongue kiss the monkey from Outbreak in front of them, have bedsores the size of small countries and be leaking fluids from orifices that you didn?t know you HAD? ?and people will STILL ask, "So did you enjoy your date with Burrkiss?" -concept14 The next time, tell them your honey's on the way with some crushed ice and cold ginger-ale... "No, she's waiting for me at home with it... seeyalateuuurrrrppppp....." <g> We know you'll come up with some great revenge LART, whether he posts the vid or not... keep us posted... -MadJack Best laugh I've had in days. Well told! Hope you'r feeling better. -Dj Aww, Coyote! Where ya been honey? *Pats you on the head and offers you some Pepto* Feel better sweetie, and if need be, Photoshop a picture of the security guard making out with Gary Coleman or something. -TranceGemini Let it be screened at the company Christmas party, and turn up the volume on the "You'll be fine" macho guy ... Make sure to keep it running through the part where he high tails it outta the room. ... Once again, truly hilarious. Hope you're feeling better, though. -SouthernMyst Still feeling ill? Would you like some ginger-ale? How about some lukewarm pork? </MST3K> But if the tape does get released, at least you'd have proof of the "tough" guy wetting his pants as he tries to leap out of his shoes. -HidariMak

30. A nose for learning.... New software. Now I *hate* new software. Not because it’s difficult to learn, or install, or integrate into our existing systems. But because I have to teach the end user how to use it. So with this hate already festering in the small lump of icy coal that I call a heart, I make my way out of the safety of my cave and into the land of the clinically brain dead. Several supervisors have gathered excitedly around the desk that harbors the computer in which I’ve already installed the software on, and pee themselves just a little as I slide into the main chair and fire that mother up. Normally, I’d not document such an occasion as it has become quite mundane, and I’ve brought fire to the monkeys more than once. Normally the training just chock full of stupid questions and brimming with people who can’t grasp the concept of “Caps Lock Key”. And normally the training is met with my impending boredom and a bevy of false smiles. But not today. Today the situation is met with….. A booger. On my arm. Yeah. And its not mine. We’ll give you a moment to let that sink in before we move on. I slide into the chair that was just occupied by several of the supervisors all at once like an impromptu game of “musical retards”, push the power button....rest my arm on the desk…and feel it. It’s fresh. It’s clinging..and oh-my-god…it’s stuck in my arm hair. Now let it be known that in this situation I would normally; *Scream like a girl. One of those high pitched movie screams when a woman in the movie is presented with the object of her fears, or in this case, a smeared nose goblin *Slap wildly at my wrist causing myslef an impressive amount of physical damage all the while slamming into the cubical walls like I’m in the “Take on Me” video by Aha. *Scald my wrist to a happy bright shade of “cooked flesh pink” while scrubbing at it and chanting incoherently like Lady Macbeth. ...But I can’t do that here. Because I’m in a room full of people who are watching me, and have no clue that there is a nasal leech on my wrist, sucking away vehemently on my will to live. And as you all know; The ONLY thing worse than having a someone else’s booger on your wrist is having other people KNOW that you have someone else’s booger on your wrist. So I calmly and non-chalantly stand and offer the “driver’s seat” in front of the computer to supervisor Gary and his large sweaty man breasts. Ever eager to please, Gary squeezes past , and as he does I gently dislodge my little cling-on onto his blazer jacket’s arm. I then excuse myself, laughing that “Gary has a nose for this stuff”, and quickly run to the bathroom where I spend the next ten minutes in self reflection, crying as water burns away the residue… …but not the shame. *sobs* Out..damn snot...out.. [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments *sneezes on The Coyote* -smellystudent OHHH THE HORROR!!!!!! -Tallika "It is a tale told by idiots. Full of sound and fury!" -RandalGraves Damn. That snot funny. *snigger* -RiffRaff Any trees outside heading your way? Could be a sign, ya know... -teivrann **falls over, laughing*** -TechieSidhe "Oh, yeah, I almost forgot ... BOOGER!" </Dr. J. Fever> -Captain Trips That'd be the bat cave, right? I made a little bat ornament for the Christmas tree this year, and I was giggling the whole time because I was thinking of the Batman and Bat stories you told. Also, I love you. -Parilla First of all, If it was pointed, Then it's a Klingon ... not 'Cling On'. Second, You sure 'picked' a group of winners there, didn't ya'? <GRIN> -Necros "Gotta boogie on my finger and I can't shake it off!" </wierd al> -Starfury "Wow, that's actually unsanitary. I mean,who NOSE where it's been!"<sneaks away to someplace safe> -rokitt Great. Coyote's created The Crying Game mixed with MacBeth... in awe, am I. -namor (Quietly checks own arm. Yuck, right in the arm hair.) Hey Coyote, can I borrow your comb for a sec? -HidariMak Hey! At least it didn't land on the corner of your mouth! Can you imagine someone else's booger on your face while in front of that crowd? Oh, the humiliation. You'd be branded as booger-face forever. -viennasausage Most people this it's mucous, but it's not. -zaphod I mean.. most people THINK it's mucous, but it's not. -zaphod "....the “Take on Me” video by Aha" - Classic imagery. I needed that little smile. Gratsi -ShujinTribble That. Ain't. Right. BWAHAAHAAHAAA!! -PTSTech Coyote may not post often; but, when he does, it's always a doozie... "It's GOOD to be da Coyote!" -MadJack OMFG ROTMMFLMMFAO, dude you are sick, but I love it. Coyote you are my hero, and yes I would have passed it on too. Good job!!! -THETECHFROMHELL *laughs* Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!! -taieena FARMER BLOW!!! -burrkiss Awww crap, that sounds *really* bad. The one time I make a nonsexual comment and its just as bad as the rest. -burrkiss "Nose goblin"? You mean you ate it? (giggles) -lineswine

31. Shut. Up. “Shut up.” Fewer phrases will goad me into anger, resentment, and the possibility of revenge faster than that phrase. However – these words were being spewed at me by a dreaded “Big Boss”, and there is very little you can do when confronted with a force that has the ability to leave the comforts of your lair to pursue a career that involves paper hats and French fries. Plus, it’s how he talks. He’s not a bad guy really, he just knows it all. He’s seen it, done it, created, implemented everything that you are doing and therefore is the world’s greatest expert on how to do whatever it is you are trying to do while he dances around you like four year old on pixie sticks who really has to pee. “Shut up.” Is his way of telling you that no matter what input you THINK you have, he’s already thought of it with his superior mind powers, and if you attempt to get a word into the one sided conversation again, he may have to vaporize you with his heat laser vision. But still. It bugs me. I am good. I *know* that I am good. Damn it, I’m THE COYOTE. I run this place, alone, EVERY Day. And even though the project that he is here to “assist” on, (read assist as “tell me to shut up, disappear for hours on end, and pump via his buttocks a gas into the computer room that is so intense that at times it sets off the heat sensors”), is technically mine – HE is the Head of Systems Administration. Not me. So, with that background thoroughly explained, let me tell you – the jury – why it is NOT my fault that his billion dollar suit is completely ruined, and how I am in no way in liable for his actions. We’re currently expanding the building. New offices, new rooms..the whole nine yards. Whole parts of the building are gutted. Some are taped off, some are completely gone. Its NOT the same floor that the visiting big boss was used to. We’re making our rounds, he’s telling me how everything I’ve done could have been done in less time by him in his day, and how badly the “youth” of today slacks off on the job, when he reaches for the back hall door. Now, the back hall connects the main rep floor to the UPS room, in which you can cut over to the server room. Or, it used to. Instead, it’s been sealed off, re-walled and freshly painted, all behind a closed door because the union employees were complaining about the smell. Reaching out, his all knowing hand closes on the door knob, and I yell a warning. “Wait! Don’t g-“ But that’s all I get out, because he thinks I’m trying to interrupt his story on how he invented Al Gore and programmed him to invent the internet. “Shut up.” He commands, and turns the knob. “BUT THA-“ I try to defy orders, but instead incur his anger. “SHUT. UP.” He tells me, putting a finger in my face. I shut up, because 1) he’s getting hostile and 2) this should be amusing. He opens the door and is greeted with the stench of fresh paint and complete darkness. Instead of admitting his error, he starts FEELING AROUND for wall switch. His arm was flapping over the wet wall like a fish out of water as he steps into the room in his effort to find the light switch that is no longer there. Not understanding he leaves the room angrily, an accusing look on his face as he glowers at me. Then he notices his suit. The arm that was once a very nice black is completely “typical office” white. He lets out a startled curse and TRIES TO BRUSH IT OFF; thusly succeeding in coating his “good” hand, and smearing the paint more completely around over his jacket. “We just painted.” I point out helpfully, but I could tell by how his eyes got all tiny in his head that he didn’t think I was helpful. I dive out of the way as he pushes roughly past me. He turns and takes this long deep breath, like he’s about to say something to me but instead he just opens his mouth and makes fishy faces before storming away. He went back to HQ and never said goodbye, but since then SEVERAL OTHER big bosses have called me. And everyone of them is laughing. [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Well, he's a self-type...so a self-LART was appropriate <BFEG> -CTYankee Awesome. Was there a new 'office directive' issued about properly securing 'dangerous areas' with warning lights and buzzers issued soon thereafter? -TieDyedDinosaur TheCoyote's version of "paint the town red" - "paint the clown white." Devastatingly funny! -Tekkie Very nice. And a large congratulations on the re-enlargement of the posterior. -Rabbitt <Stands up, claps, whistles, cheers> GREAT JOB! -Grue it's always fun letting someone hang themselves -NOFXfan Poetic justice has always been my favorite type. -HidariMak "One Shut-Up meal coming right at you sir. Would you like to supersize that or just a regular Shut-Up? Do you want a side of I-Tried-To-Warn-You-But... with that? Ice with your I-Told-You-So? </McD's script monkey> BWAHAAHAA -Criptonite excellent, and good to see you posting stories again. -rhiannon Still laughing as I wipe the smoohtie that I just spewd all over my keyboard. Another priceless entry by COYOTE ;) -THETECHFROMHELL "'We just painted.' I point out helpfully..." I laughed so hard just then that even people in the hallway are looking at me funny. Good stuff! -Slatavus I was smart enough to put my Coke down before reading this! -SalParadise Latest score...The Coyote 1, Arrogant twat 0. Another excellent posting by the man himself. -lineswine Always the helpful Coyote! *laughing so loud she's getting strange looks from others* Nice job, and not a damned thing he can do about it! -taieena that was sweet. -battybeyond First he renews "The Star", then he tells us an other wonderfull story! Way to go! -NordicPT Oh, to be able to monitor that on camera. You should seriously put hidden cameras around to capture things like this. -teivrann Its best when they do it to them selves. -Deadagent Well said. A person who says shut up to me unjustified get a fist in his face. -momo He got what he deserved, but no matter who they are, I will not stand up for someone telling me to shut up or putting a finger in my face. I'll be polite and let them know both are considered rude and unprofessional as a first warning, the second will have HR involved. I may lose my job, but I have certain convictions that I'll hold to over any job. Perhaps some of the floor tiles in the server room need to be removed for his next visit, where the light switch conveniently quits working. -CelticSkyhawk ROTFL! That was great, Coyote! Fortunately, I've learned not to eat or drink while reading TSC, or only between stories, never during. -sassicatz and the BOFH title remains with the current- and long standing champion. go BATMAN! :) -Harm Bwa-ha-ha! Remember, kids - always listen to the Coyote. -Evilturnip <sings badly> All in all, he's just another PRICK in the wall </sings badly> -lineswine Duuude! Sweeeet! // My 5th grade teacher had one pet peeve, and that was the words "shut up"; if he heard you say it, you'd get hacks. Enterprising people would find other ways of rephrasing it (like "Shut your face!") without incurring his furry wrath. -Mushroom I'm not corporate climber or HR expert, but even I know that "Shut up" is never an appropriate phrase to use with an employee. But at least he LARTed himself, but good. Heh heh. -thx1138 Another legendary tale by The Coyote! You ARE the LART Master, even if he did LART himself. -kman52000 =0) Nothing more to add, thanks for the smiles! -sajwaite That looked like a hilarious SELF LART :) -Warrick

32. Coyote and the Case of Dead CRT... It sat before me smoldering as it’s screen gave one last violent flicker before a final crackle of pain brought the monitor to its bitter end. Acidic wisps of electrical smoke slapped me in the face, bringing me out of my surprise induced coma and into the real world. Murder. The word stung my tongue like cheap hooch, leaving its vile taste as a calling card to the crime before me. The monitor lay dead on it’s desk, still warm with the life that once pulsed through it. Pulling down the brim of my battered fedora I went to work. I cased the body looking for evidence, hoping the murder weapon would be obvious, and that this would be a cut and dry case. No such luck. “I thought you were going to just replace it?” The pencil monkey who phoned in the crt’s dying screams whined to immediate left. Clenching my jaw, I resisted the urge to shatter his. My finger tips ran lightly over the corpse, but came up with nothing as my inspection of the scene forced another sigh from the informant that I mistook for him begging for a beating. “It just flickered and died. It was old. It happens. Can I have my NEW one now?” His words buzzed my ears like a persistent mosquito as I slowly stood back up. Nothing. Maybe this clown wasn’t just squeaking his shoes to make me smile. There was nothing. Nothing but a dead seventeen inch monitor, and that damned acidic smell. A cross between burning diodes and hazelnut. Hazelnut? I leaned over the plastic vents and took a face full of the death stench like a right hook. Hazelnut. My eyes flickered over the stoolie before me before glancing to his desk where a tallboy of Tim Horton’s sat like a glowing beacon. I straightened and looked my mark in the eye. “Couldn’t take it. Could you?” I asked, pulling down on the brim of my hat. “Why are you talking like that?” He asked, commenting on my newly found accent, but ignoring the question. “You knew that the new girls were dancin’ in the storage room, and the old Betty doing the can-can on your doorstop wasn’t turning your screws anymore. Am I right?” I asked leaning in. He buckled. “What the FUCK did you just say?! JESUS you are weird. Am I getting a new monitor or what?” He asked claiming ignorance, but his eyes gave away his fear. “But what you DIDN’T count on was that when sniffing for clues, the old honker can sniff out poisons. In this case a Tim Horton’s tallboy –Hazelnut.” I growled and his eyes went wide. “It was an ACCIDENT.” He buckled quickly snatching up the coffee cup, but I had all of the evidence I needed inside the body of the dearly departed. “Besides, we’re covered on accidental spills.” He danced like a flamingo girl on ice, trying to get back his footing. “Just give me a new monitor.” He ordered, somehow thinking that pulling policy over my head made me play by his rules. “Sorry Sailor, but those girls are doing the high resolution tango with a different crew.” I chuckled as I ripped the dead life lines out of his ex. “So what do I get?” He whined as I carried her away without answering his question. A few weeks in maximum confinement with a 14 inch Panasonic with strategic screen burn, and he’ll have a bit more respect for the ladies. I’m Coyote…and I’m a computer detective. [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments The Coyote, Private Dick...or public one..eep -CommanderData You have Tim Horton's down south, cool stuff. Great story as always, I see the new position hasn't affected your writing skill... -NOFXfan I love your detective style stories! WAY TO LART! -Bobsentme Ahhhh, another Coyote story *wiping tears and stifling giggles* Coyote, you rock! -taieena Tom who???? <tapperty tap> AHHHHH now i see. Nice one Sherlock Coyote :) 21B Bastard Street. -Armakuni I stand in awe of your writing! All I seem to manage is "See Jane. See Dick. Oh shit! " -ecoli <points at ecoli> You said Dick <snicker> -Armakuni Yet annother thouroughly enjoyable post Coyote! Hope you get a book of these published. I'd buy it in a second. -ThreeBucks *giggles helplessly* Yay, Coyote's back! -Parilla waste of a good hazelnut coffee. bastard! may he burn in tiny monitor hell. -rhiannon Well, I’m not that good at tech support, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of one ignorant starfish don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. </shameless_bogart_rip> -PgmrMike Another superb epistle, Coyote - preferably to be read with the theme from "Dragnet" playing in the background. -Gromit "It's GOOD to be da Coyote!" <Shameless 'History of the World' rip> -MadJack "You DICK!" </Jeff "The Coyote" Spiccoli - Fast Times at Ridgemont High> -Necros ROFL.. yes, the guy spilt his coffee to get a new monitor. -Warrick Now see, I saw who the next poster was and managed to set my Dew down before I started reading this time *grin* -FrontSideBus

33. I told you I was Batman “Tech Services, Coyote speaking.” I mumble into my head set as I close my dos emulator, once again failing to obtain both tea and no tea at the same time to impress that damn door. “We’ve got bats!” The voice on the lobotomized side of the phone shrieks and for the briefest of moments I’m nervous as I picture dozens of angry EU’s still high on the carnage of a recent donut massacre marching towards my office, large beating sticks still dripping wet with fresh crème filling and jelly from the slaughter. “I said we’ve got BATS!” The voice impresses, snapping me from my daydream of fighting zombie-like users with a shotgun while tossing witty comment grenades. “Agnes (who’s name is really Agnes, and oddly enough she looks JUST like you’d expect an Agnes to look. Very Agnessy.) was just in the Air Conditioning room and saw a bat flying around!” The informer shrieks, putting painful emphasis on the word bat. “What is Agnes doing in the AC room?” I ask slightly curious with a chance of interested later in the afternoon. “She was doing payroll, and noticed the bat!” The user screams to a dial tone as I vault out of my office and over a few cubicles as I realize that this person is calling my SERVER room the Air Conditioning room, as that’s where the payroll server is set up. Sure enough, I round the corner, and there, in front of the large faux wood double doors is Agnes (now wearing gloves and a gardening hat , brandishing a broom and still managing to look very Agnes like), the caller (now yelling “HELLO?” into the wall phone) and several really nervous and skittish women rabbling about rabies and unsafe work conditions.) Sighing as they all recant Agnes’s brief yet miraculous escape from winged death, I hit my badge against the security lock and reach for the door. “NO!!! YOU’LL LET IT OUT!” They scream as they huddle in masse behind me, moving as one amorphous blob of horrified granny. I ignore their screams and step into the server room. There, sitting on the edge of an old monitor, and looking more frazzled than the densely compacted mob of wrinkle cream behind me is a very small, very scared sparrow. “It’s a bird.” I say gently to the women glued to my ass. The word “bird” is repeated several times with different degrees of despair and I feel the old lady buffer around my backside loosen slightly. What happened next is best described as “Absolute F**KING Chaos” The sparrow, seeing fresh air and a chance to escape as the door is opened flies directly at us. The Ya-Ya Sisterhood, not seeing a 5 ounce sparrow, but a many taloned, baby eating dragon of death scream in unison, and the back of my head explodes in both pain and the crunch of bristles as I am whapped about a thousand times by a broom wielding Agnes. The women run off screaming as I wrest the broom away from my attacker. Somewhere in the middle of this high-pitched beating the sparrow, being no bigger than a peanut flies out of the server room, across the rep floor (soliciting many a new scream) and deftly out the open window I’m assuming it came in. I’m pretty sure its going to need some heavy therapy or at least supervised consultation I..on the other hand…..am going to buy a bat. [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments A baseball bat to fight off Agnes right? *grins* -ShiftedBeef Go back to the door and see if it likes your story and lets you pass having acheived bat/no bat instead. Had me rolling. ^_^ -GargoyleTS Nananananananana - Nananan<TWACK!>... <uneasy pause>... BATMAN! -Galandar a quick reactionary elbow to the teeth should have fixed Agnes' broom problem. ;) -NOFXfan I am darkness, I am the night, I am BATMAN! -RandalGraves Nothing starts the week off quite like a story from the old Coyote! Good one!! -PTSTech Ok... ignoring all the pain your ear.. occipital lobe... and patience went through... WTF Where They Doing In Your Server Room?! With a broom being used in a very 'Contrary to the User Manual' sort of way?! That just screams "Cross-Polarized metal floor joists with 14 gigavolts of AC current" to me. -ShujinTribble Get several rubber bats and hang them in the server room. Watch for their reaction! -NordicPT <EMBED SRC="http://mfile.akamai.com/6562/wm2/muze.download.akamai.com/2890/us/uswm2/787/459787_1_12.asx?obj=v40802" TYPE="audio/x-pn-realaudio-plugin" AUTOSTART="false" WIDTH=400> -Austin I was really looking forward to some mention of The Tumbler! -TieDyedDinosaur Why stop with a bat ? This justifies a Clue by 4! -Necros Why stop with a clue-by-four? TAKE LEGAL ACTION! Agnes very clearly committed an act of physical assault upon your person, and even though she may not have caused any permanent injury, she DID attack you with a broomstick with no justifiable reason. File criminal charges, complain to HR, sue her ass. Whatever you do, DON'T let her get away with it! -Captain Trips I'm noticing an anti-agnes movement here. I'd advise against this. She buys the donuts. -The Coyote "WE GOT BATS! YAAAAAAAAAY, WE GOT BATS, YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!" -vacuumtubes <img src="http://www.darkknight.ca/gallery/batman.jpg"> -Austin Coyote, could you please, 'please' label your posts NSFRWE/D (not safe for reading while eating / drinking)? I have a disgusting bukkake of cofee and cake on top of my desk that narrowly missed the keyboard. Ok, my fault. I should have known from the beginning. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D: -TheGhost http://www.darkknight.ca/gallery/batman.jpg -Austin Demand in response to the attack on your physical body that you require daily donuts hand delivered to you by agnes. -neuman1812 The *Grinch* beats Batman (the evil doer) http://brad.touesnard.com/wp/wp-content/grinch.jpg -Austin Ghost, if you haven't figured out by *now* that one should not be eating or drinking while reading Coyote's posts, there's no help for you. -pixel I really needed the laugh, so thanks for that. I think she shouldn't be allowed into the server room anymore, and for good measure, stick a note on the door stating, "Beware of the guard bat." -CelticSkyhawk Does this mean Coyote has a kick butt cape now? -Lese where is hunter thompson when you need him -SGTARKyTEK LMAO thats great :) -Jax What I want to know is...was the swallow carrying a coconut? -leonine oops...it was a sparrow not a swallow.... -leonine The ghost: Coyote's posts are labled NSFRWE/D. See, right there before you click on them. "by The Coyote". Told ya so. ;) -killminus9 You ought to use the vicious attack upon your person as leverage to keep people out of the server rooms. Also, if you buy an albino bat (or just drape your bat in handkerchiefs), you can convince people that it's the ghost of the server room. I'd bedaub the poor little sucker with garishly red lipstick, for good measure. -Parilla And a little foamy stuff around the mouth ought to REALLY help! -TieDyedDinosaur Two words, Coyote: "Black Particle." And kick the door! -MadJack Ok, have to post my embarrassment, and the gallant aid of my wonderful husband. While cleaning one day, I saw the biggest spider I have ever seen in my life. I screamed so loudly, I went lost my voice, and jumped over the back of the couch with one leap. My knight in dirty denim came to the rescue, brandishing his newspaper and began beating my attacker mercilessly. I was trembling in fear when he said "Got him". I said " Thank you, honey, is he dead". He said, quite bluntly "yes, dear, that lint ball will never scare you again". Ok, that was 10 years ago, and he still loves to tell it. -persephone I have to admit that by the time I read "the lobotomized side of the phone" I was already laughing... An insanely good story, Coyote, thank you very much for putting some light into a Monday that sorely needs it. -chazz Yes, your server room is 'Bat Country'... and Agnes et aliis need to avoid it. Or not without a trunk full of goodies. -Mushroom Your only mistake was. not removeing the broom from the "bats" hands first -Deadagent OK, have to do a giveme: Start refering to it as the batcave -STJ Love the H2G2 Text game reference :D -modeski I agree. Buy a few rubber bats and hide them at the YaYa's desks. Should be a good laugh. -Psudo So how much Motorola equipment do you have in your Batcave now? -ralphp1024 So, the poor little sparrow was terrorised by a bunch of old bats? -lineswine Hahahaha -Asterothrax

34. Nobody hears you scream Next weekend marks the test of the entire building UPS system. Basically they’re cutting power to my building and hoping nothing shuts off. Needless to say, I’m edgy and I’m extremely busy. I’m also tracing lots of wire through the server room / UPS room floors. This is where being the only tech in the building gets a tad lonely. You are basically ripping up floors and scootching through the crawl space where Ripley found Newt in the movie Aliens. But when you make the aliens joke, just like in space… No one can hear you. When I point out to one of the VP’s that if I had a partner this would go a lot quicker, she tells me she’ll find someone and send them into the server room to watch the wires wiggle. Soon, as promised the latest victim shows up. He’s a very confident and arrogant young man who, although not a technician, is not afraid to give advice and “tips” to what I am doing, at length with the frequency of a machine gun. To be honest, he’s REALLY riding a nerve. “Why would they leave you alone here?” He asks with a certain twist to the word “you” that I really don’t like. “Well it used to be me and Fred, but he disappeared on us.” I smile as I remove the floor compartment and lean in. “Fred? How’d he disappear?” he asks skeptically as if he’d been warned about me. (I’m going to have to threaten a few people. Letting warnings about ME leak out is a password changeable offense) “Oh, they sent him in here to trace these wires, and he just disappeared. People say he couldn’t take the pressure and he just up and quit.” I explained, adjusting my flashlight. “But then a few days later the cops showed up, and towed his car out of the parkinglot. Never heard from him again.” I continued as I leaned in again. “Bullshit.” He snorted, calling me on my bullshit. “You’ve heard Alice talking about the “Maintenance Ghost” right?” I asked, pretending to check my pager. “Bullshit.” He says again, but I know he sits next to Crazy-ass Alice, and I KNOW she tells EVERYONE about the “ghosts” that haunt this place. “I dunno..”I trail as I lower my upper half into the floor. “I’ve heard some weird things alone here at night.” I call out to him as I grip the floor support beams. “Like what?” He asks, finally getting drawn in. “Well I –SHIT! PULLMEUP!!!” I scream as I grab the floor supports kicking my legs frantically, with a hard pull I suck myself completely under the floor and quickly crawl across the cabling to the hatch in the UPS room. Pulling myself out, I close the connecting wall and the floor panel… …and calmly walk back to my desk… Several minutes later I hear him asking for a flashlight as I go back to googling for wet t-shirt contests. Several minutes after that a very pale and angry looking assistant shows up in my office trying to look cocky. “I knew the ghost didn’t get you.” He states accusingly as I smile at him. I can’t wait to watch the security tape. [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Oh My Gawd! Thanks for that lovely Monday morning story. I can live through the rest of the day with a smile on my face now. You da man! -Rabbitt They mostly think they know what they're doing. Mostly. -teivrann Sheer brilliance, Mr. Coyote. You win the LART of the week award, and it's only Monday! -SalParadise I'm sure TheGhost will have something to say about this! -Tekkie My name is ghost... Only my brother calls me by my real name. -MaskedMarauder Again, I bow: I'M NOT WORTHY!!!!! that was the best! -JoeLugian Great story, do Coyote's have ghosts? -NOFXfan The story, Good... The Tagline, Excellent! (I love that tagline.) -Wolfie0827 /me genuflects -ThreeBucks Oh, and post audio/visual if possible! -ThreeBucks very nice, very very nice -rhiannon Most Excellent! This is the way Monday is SUPPOSED to start! Now I have to empty the crumbs out of my keyboard before they get all soggy from the coffee! -TieDyedDinosaur I want the security tape, too. Picture-perfect. -namor (Smiles a bit and nods slowly) Very nice... you've just helped ease my last 48 hrs. -ShujinTribble And the Lart of the Year Award goes to The Coyote -Deadagent you are a true master. That was just brilliant! -wolfprince you rock man!!!if possible put up the footage! -starfishmagnet You have class, Coyote - real class. This one earns you a bar to your BOFH. -Gromit hell gormit, if we gave him a bar for every time he did something like this, there would be a precious metal shortage. -wolfprince um, that was supposed to be gRomit, not gormet.... Excuse me while i go make a wish to learn to type better. -wolfprince Please, please post the tape. If you can't, send it to someone who can digitize it! I've got to see this! -renaultguy Post video! :D Gods, that is fabulous. You are a god among gods. -FreakyFerret You GOTTA post that vid! -Grue Thank you, that helped nicely -Spyder19 Did he bring a change of pants? :) -Mushroom Wow! I'd love to see the look on THAT guy's face when you did that! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! -rokitt *bows before the great one* You sir, are my hero. -Lese

35. The straw that broke the Coyote's back.. It has been nuts here. Absolutely crazy. I’m popular in that whole “I really don’t want to be popular, just leave me alone before I force your homepage to www.janetrenodoingnakedsquatthrusts” kinda way. Between running out of available IP’s, setting up a new switch, and having a forced image from headquarters randomly kill Rep machines, I have been all and all, a very busy Coyote. I foolishly step out of my office with hopes of making it to the bathroom. I’m quickly pounced upon by the Ninja phone Reps who have staked out my door, hoping to see a sign of life. They start beating me like I’m a mouthy Arkansas bride, each listing in screeching tones the numerous errors I am already aware of. I try to explain to them that I’m doing what I can, and that I haven’t even had lunch yet, yet alone gone to the bathroom. Finally the crowd of piranha parts, leaving my weary well chewed bones in a still standing heap, and with the last of my energy and a heavy want to cry, I start back towards the bathroom. “Coyote?” A voice rings out as my hackles rise. Beaten and whimpering a turn around to face the very nice, very new supervisor who has hailed me. “I know you are VERY busy.” She says in her best big girl voice, but I have to wonder WHY she’s bothering me if she knows I’m busy. “I know the switch thing isn’t working, and people can’t log on, but when you get a moment..” she smiles as I pull out my notepad to add her to the very long list “Can you show me how to change my font color to pink?” She finishes with a big bright smile. I stand there blinking. Its rare that I’m stunned, but she’s done it. With a smile and a quick “Thanks” she trots off safely out of the reach of my strangling hands. I make a note, when the switch is set up correctly, and I open the next IP range, renew the domain on each individual computer and fix the image issue…I am going to change her font to pink. And her background to pink… And her cursor to pink…and her toolbars to pink……and… [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Don't settle for less than painting the walls of her cubicle pink. -bkreeger With maybe a hint of vermillion for the cursor? -TieDyedDinosaur Bah. Keep the cursor the same color, then she can at least pass the time by "wiggling the pointer thingy around". <burkiss bait intentional> -DragonMageWTF edit some startup script that changes all the icons to a pink square and the titles to pink text on pink backgrounds too. that way she'll happy....(she said she wanted pink right?) -drachen now where was that pink straw again??? :P -squatchie666 Turn her backgound into a pink taco, or maybe a pink clam. -burrkiss "in her best big girl voice" BWhahahaha! -Hellion Kill her. Just fucking kill her. :) But in the meantime, HE SEES A BACKGROUD AND HE MAKES IT PAINTED PINK!!! -TranceGemini Can you say Pepto Bismal? (sp?) -NOFXfan can of pink spray paint -Deadagent I never expected the straw that broke the coyote's back to be a girly little pink straw..... -wolfprince Don't forget to paint each key of her keyboard pink. Cover the letters, numbers. Every Key Pink. Then when she asks for a NEEEW KEEYYBOOARD, she'll have to ask for a 'Pink Key Tow'. And if anyone needs me, I'll be in the LART shelter, patiently awaiting my fate. -Answerboy And since you're going to be in the neighborhood anyhow, do the phone too... -PTSTech last time someone tried to stop me on my way to pee, I said "Can you walk and talk? Yes. Good, this way please." She got so involved in what she was saying, she didn't realize she walked into the bathroom until I started my business. Yes, I whipped it out right in front of her and started the drain. (She was in the Men's room) -srteach No no no, Pepto-Bismol pink is all wrong. It has to be a nail polish color named something like Persimmon Pink. -concept14 it's days/weeks/months like that which make me visit the pink elephants.... -DedSysOp Mmmmmmmm.....Pink taco >;) -Evilturnip I feel a tech song coming on "I see a red door and i want it painted pink" ok, my first run for the lart shelter. Hold the door open mates. -Wolffarmer

36. PainKiller and the Augusta Chronicle Hey gang... I've got a guy on another forum posting my writing. Not a biggie, its happen before and it doesn't phase me. But when he was CALLED on it, he posted my GPA affilation and claimed to physically BE me while trashing a member of THIS board. Here's the link. http://forums.augustachronicle.com/cgi-bin/bb/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=004730;p=1 Read "Painkiller"'s response..in which he has the BALLS to link to GPA...a club I am a founding member of, a PHYSICAL club in which all my friends meet once a month. I'm kinda pissed. Not that he posted my shit, but that he claimed to physically BE me, and has been ME for a number of years? [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Hm....can you charge him with identity theft? If your work he's stolen is (any of it) copyrighted, can you LART the subiotch with infringement? -halfstarfish Some of those comments from others said they don't care if he is lying??? Liars are the lowest of the low! -FrontSideBus This tard has my 2 cents. If someone can find his IP and post it... DDOS anyone? I'm personally leaning to a ping -t -l 65500 on his IP addy. -Veinor I've also sent him an e-mail requesting him to post to that board with a specific word in the text. I'm not saying which word it is... -Veinor Well Coyote That would piss me off as well. But to let you know if I was going to steal a story I would steal yours cause their good but to steal you yourself now I would never go that far cause I like me. -joebob Your story was posted here on Monday, June 6 & Painkiller posted the same story on Thursday, June 9. How can there be a question about the original author? And was it the Painkiller that's registered on this site? -Tekkie ok the "who cares if he's an unoriginaly psycho who secretly wants to be coyote" comment makes me want to track down that person and do equal evil to them as is done to coyote's stalker. -rhiannon I can't believe the dude went around to every site to which you post. But if I was going to steal someone's work I would find everywhere appears so it would appear as it was me...but I would be smart enough to pick a dead person so they could not lart me royally. -joebob Anyone else notice his tag line? Drunk of Borg... If he were the true Coyote, he'd change it at the same time he changed everything else. -exzyle2k Important notice at no time in the aforementioned comment I am not admitting guilt and that statement cannot be used in court. This statement may not relieve the writer of any wrong doing and may not be legal in the lower 48 states and most likely not applicable in Hawaii or Alaska. -joebob exzyle2k, that tag is the one teivrann's currently using. This guy can't come up with anything original! -Tekkie i also like the intergity of the person who came over from that board and joined here to mention the wrongdoing. i'm gussing its the only person on the thread who noticed that what this jackass was doing is in fact wrong, but who knows. -rhiannon Now that is a load of crap. The person is suffering from Coyoteus Envyousus and wants to be him. Shoot I have those dreams of grandure but I can hope to be is the person on the receiving end of Coyote's whit. May Painkiller crawl back into whatever hole he came from and never return. -techpeon man when you type angry anything is liable to come out..shoul be can only hope to be on the receiving end -techpeon NOOOO now I can't spell I am going back home -techpeon Man Coyote I would hate being you. All those acme products always blowing up in your face. Ok just kidding but man what an idiot that guy must be. -jjtech4 From the agreement one must agree to in order to register on that site: "While AugustaChronicle.com will not edit, change or modify the content of any user's messages, AugustaChronicle.com expressly reserves the right to remove or ban any user for inappropriate conduct AugustaChronicle.com. AugustaChronicle.com expects that you will not use the service to violate anyone's rights in copyrights, trademarks, or other intellectual property. By submitting material to AugustaChronicle.com, you are representing that you are the owner of the material, or are making your submission with the explicit consent of the owner. Submitting material that is the property of another without the specific consent of its owner, is not only a violation of this agreement, but may also subject you to legal liability for infringement of copyright, trademark, or other intellectual property rights." Go get 'em, Coyote! -Tekkie hmm .. a scared little shodow of a human - pretending to be The Coytotre. interesting. well done on the board BTW. but say the word and and onslaught of techs will pound this litle plagerist into the stone age. BUrrkiss - you can go first - and last. -Harm Wwo, GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... Pretending to be someone else and stealing their material is not just immature, but it's also rude and indicates that this person who is claimg to be you has no life and is jealous. *boggles* -taieena I say we remove him from the internet, if not life itself! -Wolfie0827 So they don't really care that someone is probably plaguerizing your material... hmmmm. Yeah, someone could use a nice little Coyote-bite. Preferably in the neck. -teivrann Dammit !!! I spend 2 lousy days away, and look what I miss !!! -Spyder19

37. I am the shadow that stalks in the night Security here is tight. Really tight, and for very good reason. We’ve got thumbprint cards, security access levels and the whole nine yards. Very tech heaven. About a month ago my boss, who is extremely cool sent me a message asking for a digital photo of myself. No reasoning behind it, just the request. Knowing that she would get a kick out of it, I sent her a head shot from a batman poster and laughed to myself as I thought about her seeing me as Batman. And then I forgot all about it. *Thud* The mail clerk drops off a packaged envelope to me, and walks off without so much as a “please don’t change my password.” I do anyway. After chuckling at the impromptu changing, I open the package as I lean back in my comfy chair…and just about tip over. The photo, that was requested, was for my new photo ID security badge. It seems my boss never LOOKED at the photo I sent, and neither did the security processing center. I giggle in awe as I hold in my hands living proof that I am indeed Batman. It also dawns on me..that I may be in trouble, so I gently approach my boss. After I peel her from the ceiling, she agrees that while not funny, the situation is extremely funny. ….she’s taking my picture again in about and hour. But until then…. I’m Batman. [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments why the hell did you report it? It seems you have a great excuse now to wear a batman costume at work "I'm just trying to match my id badge" -illiterate Cprrestion. I'm Batman! You can be Dick Grayson/Robin/Nightwing whatever works for you -RandalGraves And i really can't trype today, oh well. LART shelter Mach 9.0! -RandalGraves I KNEW IT! Only from the Batcave could those wondrous stories of yours have appeared! And only Batman would encounter that wide a variety of evil SF! -TieDyedDinosaur Your manager is growing complacent. If I were here, .... I'd play with my boobies all day.. err... I'd count my fingers and toes after having a conversation with you. -scooby111 scan your Pic and post it befor you get it changed... -Z0nker Next you should submit a picture of Kenny McCormick walking around with his ass sticking out the hood of his parka. -teivrann AWSOME! and teivrann - unless he wants to be mistaken for ben Afleck..... -Harm Ask if you can keep the badge... Have them deactivate it of course... -BunnieTechBabe No No No, better yet.. show up tomorrow wearing a batman mask..... -BunnieTechBabe Does this mean you'll have to evict Dick Grayson?. Poor boy!, already an orphan and now he'll be slung out of the Coyote happy home! -Digital Dogcow So, you weren't happy with your own Marvel commic? What, you had to go with a D.C. Commic too? You really are a publicity hound aren't you? <bfeg> -wolfprince Now I can't stop thinking about what it would of been like if you had used a head shot from a Dark Wing Duck poster instead. "I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the BOFH that tells you you're too dumb to own a computer. I am Dark Wing Duck!" -MarkerMage It hurts to laugh and I'm STILL laughing...OMG!!! -CTYankee At one place I worked a co-irker pasted a clipping from a magazine over her portrait and used it for YEARS! - the picture - a roasted turkey! -TieDyedDinosaur That is frickin hilarious coyote! I couldn't help myself from reposting your story in the drifting topic bar and grill at jokeaday.com I bow my head to the supreme sneakster! -crazymactech One guy modified his badge to look like the Joker. Wore it for at least 3 weeks. Security never even blinked. -frito123 whoooeee, a coyot' in tights w/ a bitch mask on...[whistles] here boy!!! -omegawolf ROTFLMMFAO@omegawolf -THETECHFROMHELL security badge !!! I've worked here for 3 1/2 years, walk past security everyday, company policy badges at all times. I've never worn it yet. -nightwalker21 Thanks, I needed that laugh! Looks like you have a great boss - treasure that as long as she is there. -NordicPT LOL ! (again) -Spyder19

38. Not a story, a user thing... Okay..not technically a story (that'll come later today boys and girls)...but something I love. I call it being "Passwordanoid" That's that look the user gives you when he's trying to type his password all covert and what not so YOU can't see it (Even though YOU assign it), and he types the password IN the login bar after his login name. Ya know..that look like "FUCK! Did he SEE that?!?!" I *love* that look. [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments That's probably because they've got something to hide. Time to do a nice thorough check to see if there's any contraband on that system. ;-) -NOFXfan I was working on a laptop yesterday and had teh guy put in an application password. He's such a slow typist that I was able to see what he typed and next time I needed the password typed it myself. He asked me how I knew and when I told him he just laughed. He apparently hasn't used the Mavis Beacon typing teacher program I loaned him. -sassicatz Actually some are not only really slow typists, but they TALK to themselves, saying the next letter as they search for it! -TieDyedDinosaur But what if the password is ******? <Quietly tip-toes to the LART shelter while they are trying to figure it out> -TheGhost "Star, star. Star, star, star. Star. Backspace, backspace. STAR, star. Enter." -missourimule http://www.bash.org/?244321 -drachen I'm gonna guess that that is the "when you type your password it just shows stars" quote, right, Drachen? (Is it bad when somone links to Bash.org, and you already know what the quote says without looking?) -LoTech Dude, Hurricane did that to me today. -Ceibo

39. How do you spell relief? Sometimes I can be a real prick. No no, suspend your disbelief for a moment children, and let Uncle Coyote explain himself. Here at “Current Place that Pays me to terrorize the unsuspecting” we have a purchasing team. What they purchase and why they need a team is beyond me, but we have one. The leader of the team is a real slimer, the kind of guy that as soon as you shake his hand, you unconsciously wipe it on your pant leg. He’s also terrified of computers. This makes me giggle. Of course, being afraid of computers and possessing the computational intuition of a stapler does not stop him from demanding the best and biggest computer which to my knowledge has *never* been powered on, but I digress. So I’m sitting in my office diligently working, and in no way shape or form playing mine sweeper, when I see the technophobe sit down in the cubicle outside of my office to talk to the person in the cubicle next to him. For a reason that defies me, he starts TAPPING on the keyboard. Since the rep PC’s are always logged in, the computer gives a little “Beep” in time with his tapping. This amuses him to no extent. This ANNOYS me to no limit, as he *knows* he’s not supposed to be touching floor PC’s, let alone tapping out “Jingle Bells” in error beeps. With a flash of my finger tips I send a message to the terminal he’s tapping happily at, in official “Pop up Box” form. ***Identification Accepted*** Confirm Deletion of Call Center Database? ([Y]es/[N]o) NOW, if that message came to any tech, they’d know it was BS. A locked down emulated terminal is not going to have the ability to delete an entire Database…but hey, he’s a mortal, and therefore fair game. The effect is priceless as I watch his eyes go WIDE as he keeps his conversation flowing, all the while nervously darting his gaze back to the screen in front of him, his finger creeping non-chalantly towards the “N” key on the keyboard. It must be impressed that at times like these I am known to giggle. He slowly presses “N”, while talking to the guy beside him, his eyes looking ANYWHERE but at the screen. **Confirmation of Total Data Deletion and System Shut Down Acknowledged. Your Databases will be wiped clean in 1 minute. Thank you.** I send happily. He turns like 12 shades of pale, in fact I can now SEE THROUGH his head. Using the privacy screen option, I shut off all of the monitors to the Rep Floor. The Reps all look annoyed and start complaining in confusion as he takes off like a bullet towards the STAIRS. Not towards TECH to alert of what he did, and to have them restore the database, or admit to his WRONG DOING..but to the STAIRS and presumably to his office. I turn the monitors back on with the message “We apologize for the monitor shut down, we were testing refresh rates.” The Reps slide right back into work without a murmur. I STILL haven’t seen or heard from my victim, and rumor has it that he was throwing up in his office and went home sick…. Rolaids and Malox should send me endorsement checks… [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Not that the writting is ever in question. We all have learned to expect great prose from Coyote. But I believe this is one of the few times we shall see the humor of the content out shine the writting! Masterful LART as always. -DragonMageWTF you are the fucking man. i bow to you. -p3bk4c I bow down to you... We're not worthy! -Veinor Awesome! This is a 9.9, the only way to beat this score is with a fatality due to bleeding ulcer! The SF received swift and hard educational LARTing, the results were immediate and complete. Way to go! Your BOFHdom is exalted! -TieDyedDinosaur Hee-hee-hee! -Grue that was great, I needed a good laugh this morning... -jwinc7 To make somebody that nervous is art. -NOFXfan Reading your posts is a great way to start the day. The nice thing about your work is that it translates well over to non-techs; my girlfriend LOVES your Dr. Seuss poems. -mellowfellow Brilliant! Simply brilliant! Like the few before me have already said: "You are the man!" I must learn the utilities you used to 1) send the message (netsend or something else) 2) make the screen go black. -JoeLugian You are the motherfucking shiznit!! I bow to my unworthyness. DD better watch his King Lart Cow Butt. -burrkiss HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!<wipes tears of laughter> "That was gooood!" :) -rokitt Man, this stuff should be published. "Coyote Tales". -Geminii Workin' on that ;) -The Coyote HAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm laughing so hard I'm crying! (and my co-workers want to see the story, too). This is the best story from The Coyote so far! -NordicPT Duuddddeee!!! SWeeeeettt!!! -BunnieTechBabe Fark me - a BFG9000-LART. I've only ever seen a VERY small no. of those (DD, Gromit & CD spring to mind, but there may be a couple more). Masterfully done Sir, utilising superior tech skills & FUD on a Luser, so much so you actually made the bastard run & puke. Outstanding! -lineswine I'm keeping track of all these. I'm rebuilding my bike, and the blackmail money I get from you should help nicely... -Spyder19 sweet, just f*cking sweet... -HappyCrappy Aaaaaaaaaaand cue the blackmail! Sweet story. -namor I never thought I'd say this, but this relegates "All Is Known" to the #2 spot on the list of all-time LARTs. -dpaul007 *THUMP* "Ow!!" I think I broke something when my chair tipped over and dump my laughing ass on the floor. -Campion "What is thy bidding, Darth Coyote?" -MadJack This guy probably won't be seen for months. He'll be found lurking in the shadows, adopted by gutter rats. -teivrann Beautiful. Absolutly beautiful. -Rabbitt I love you and want to sire your babies. -PikaPikaChick Coyote - its official. You are definitely the Dogs Bollocks. Superb LART, one to be re-read and savoured like a glass of 12 year old St.Emilion. -Gromit Bwahahahahahahaha! -Evilturnip <Bows in homage to a LART-Master> -Wraith556 (Smile) Thanks, man. I needed that. -ShujinTribble *gets in line at the movie theatre* "What? Oh, I know there isn't a movie. I just want to be SURE I'm first for when Coyote makes one." -Mango Starfish-Wars, Ob-One Coyote, armed with his Lart Saber takes on DarthFish. -Deadagent Now that's what Evil is all about :-) Pure refined Evil... mmmm me like. great story. Couldn't breath while I read it and couldn't stop laughing when I was done. -Bilkor Brilliant, just brilliant. Wow. -MusicGeek Hark, do I hear some tee-heeing from the master? -Ceibo I am humbled in the presence of the Master. -Wolfie0827 I am just seeing this for the firdt time. This is another priceless COYOTE tale. LMAO -THETECHFROMHELL

40. Uncle Coyote Suess, Back on the Loose. In the darkest part of Cubicle Land, Past the Whos who work there, Lurks the Lair of the Coyote, “Intruders Beware.” Now the signs are clearly posted, And marked to give heed And the Who’s only venture, Back there in need. But among the Whos live the Visors, Who are evil as sin, And they fear not the Coyote, Simply barging right in! “Coyote! Coyote!” The Visor did roar, “My computer is lagging, and slacking once more! The processes are taking much too long do you hear? I order you to fix them! Get off of your rear!” Now the Coyote is witty, clever and quick, And not used to orders from this donut filled Dick. But yet the Coyote, he nodded and rose with a bow, He said with a smile “I’ll fix this, I’ll fix this right now!” The Visor turn quickly and led a straight path, Through cubicle land they sped in a dash. And while the Visor thought nothing of the Coyote’s nice smile, The Whos that did know him ran and hid for a while. “Get in there and fix it” The Visor ordered quite rude. He stomped and he pointed, right at his cube. “Of Course!” Said the Coyote with that smile so bright, A smile that made the Whos nervous and edgy with fright. Away when the Visor, acting so gruff, And in went the Coyote, to play with his stuff. What the Coyote saw upon entering made his smile grow more, A smile so horrid that the Whos hit the floor! They covered their heads and whimpered with fear, As Coyote scootched closer crying “What have we here?” “Unsanctioned programs with inappropriate names! Task bars and Messengers and unapproved games!” The Coyote chuckled louder as the Whos shook and hid, “I’ll fix him, I’ll fix him.” And fix him he did. He said as he removed spyware and adware, and a program or nine, “When I limit his access, this box will run fine!” “No more chatting, no browsing, no flash games left beeping, No surfing, no playing, not even mine sweeping!” The Coyote’s fingers over keyboard, like devils they flew, Restricting most logins, and removing a few. When the Coyote had finished, he admired the scene, He even removed wallpapers, just to be mean. With the task now completed, and the computer repaired, He danced a small jig. (And how the Whos stared!) To the Visor he left a message on a small yellow note, “I had to remove a few programs that just didn’t float; Maybe next time you seek me, you’ll be less of a jerk, Fuck with me pal, and you'll do nothing but work.” [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments This is great:) -THETECHFROMHELL This is a bit like a McDonalds breakfast sandwich, a delightful combination that just hits the spot! It's not just the individual elements, but the careful presentation and juxtaposition that make it such a delight! Magnifique! -TieDyedDinosaur You are such a...GOD! -JoeLugian Oh, Coyote... you need to get out of the tech business immediately and start writing for someone, somewhere! -QuinTech <movie critic>"I give this post 2 thumbs up!"</movie critic> :) -rokitt (Stealing some lines from SwedishChef)It's light on the palatte and leaves a pleasant aftertaste. -ewspy87 Damn near laughed my ass off on a call. :-p -Torinir <ashok>I shall start the paperwork to make you a god!</ashok> -Harm <steals rokitts two thumbs> I give it FOUR thumbs up! -ecoli I want to have your baby -NOFXfan Classic!!! Simply Classic!!!!!! -TheSingingTech Again, this is why looks matter. That looks perfect. -namor I was smart- I saw who it was and wisely decided not to finish my lunch till _after_ I finished reading. When's the book getting published? -taieena LARTing the (l)user was fun, I can tell ... but your still not a Bastard Operator From Hell. -Necros ::stands and applauds:: -Grayhawk Nicely planned & executed. A textbook LART. What was the Lusers' reaction to having all the non-work apps. removed & his rights locked down? -lineswine Damn fine LART you got yourself there, Mr. T. Coyote. :) -snowcrash I'm naming my first son after you. -murdermachine (crossing his arms, he smiles darkly) Well done... though a few choice screen-grabs emailed to the Visor's Visor could have made for a tripple play 1) Shake the be-Zeus outta the Whos, 2) Fixed that wanker but good & 3) gotten a tersley-worded memo sent around to say, 'Don;t fuck with the machines!'... But that's just me. -ShujinTribble There are no words...I'm simply SPEECHLESS!!! -PTSTech you stole his christmas but good. and you rule my world. -rhiannon Awsome Coyote! -ThreeBucks I shall sacrifice my first born in your name. -neuman1812 Nice! i don't know which was better though... The rhyme or the sig -Hellion Screenshots? I'm sure they'd be classic. -kman52000 Once again, I bow to your superior BOFH-ness! -Ulfgaard Jedi Knights of the LART, bend a knee. "What is thy bidding, Coyote Master?" <Vader voice> -MadJack Bravo! well done! you have the royal approval once again! -wolfprince i'm not worthy..... wow!!:))) -timelady Another sweet post, Coyote! -Evilturnip OMFG YOU SO FUCKING ROCK MARRY ME -TranceGemini Work (noun): That which a Visor does when The Coyote finishes with him. SEE ALSO: fucknugget, assmunch. -Grue That is an awesome story Coyote, you rock! -smellmybutt Ladies, gentlemen. We have among us a Poet and a BOFH. A God and a Daemon. The Lord of the LART. Coyote, we humble to Your presence. <Bow> -TheGhost Work (noun): That which a Visor does when The Coyote finishes with him. SEE ALSO: fucknugget, assmunch. -Grue Work (noun): That which a Visor does when The Coyote finishes with him. SEE ALSO: fucknugget, assmunch. -Grue Damn bookmark grabbed the comment status instead of this page. Sorry! -Grue IT STINKS!! </The Critic> -TheMage18

41. Neo? How..HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT NAME? *rap rap rap* My daily google for naughty bits is interrupted quite rudely by someone trying to get my attention by knocking on my door. I sigh, close the browser window and draw my gaze to the two hundred pounds of sausage standing in my doorframe. “Are you *him*?” The human donut machine asks as he saunters in, moving towards the broken chair that I place on the opposite side of my desk for the comfort of the rare visitor. ”If I’m not a him, I’ve got one HELL of a tumor down there.” I smile as he sits down across from me, the normal seeming chair crumpling beneath his considerable girth. “GOD DAMN IT!” He spits butter as he picks himself up; the arm rest of the chair still grasped in his pudgy little fingers like the last Twinkie in the box. “This is STILL broken?” He asks incredulously as he tries to reassemble it. “Am I WHO?” I remind him of his question as I watch in amusement as he resets my chair trap. The actual bolts that would hold it safely together resting snuggly in my desk. He sits in the good chair a lowers his voice as he leans in. “Do you call yourself the mail demon?” He asks in hushed tones with a slight grin that lets me know that if I admit anything, he’ll keep it just between us. “You mean Mailer Daemon?” I respond, and his eyes immediately light up as he squeezes his nougat filled body closer. “Yeah. Is that your computer name?” He asks grinning like an idiot. “Are you sending back all of my e-mails as a prank?” He forces a chuckle, and I can see through the rolls of chub that surround his beady little eyes that he’s up to something. “No.” I shrug, leaning back in my chair. “I’m not Mailer Daemon.” I admit, and it stings for me to tell the truth to a user. “But I know who he is.” I smile cryptically as he leans back, that false smile still plastered on his face along with a bit of jelly. I pop around through the mail logs and grep out his name in failures as he shifts angrily in the good chair (**note to self – sabotage “Good” chair**), his true intentions finally peeking through. ”Well whoever HE is, HE shouldn’t be fucking with people’s e-mails.” He growls, an intimidation factor that is lessened by the fact that the button on his dress shirt that covers his protruding belly is undone and I can see his tummy. “No one is fucking with you.” I soothe, thinking of ways to fuck with him in the very near future. “You are getting the e-mail back because you are sending them without a domain address. You can’t just send to..” I look at the screen as I explain. “ “JoeJoe” and expect it to reach the person.” I start to go in depth and he cuts me off. “Don’t use your high tech talk with ME.” He orders, causing me to pause as I reflected on what exactly was high tech. “Dee can do it, I’ve SEEN her!” he exclaims and he’s right. I personally set up Dee’s contact and alias list. Took me hours. She flirts and has huge nugnugs…. “She has a –“ He cuts me off again. “I’m going to send an e-mail to YOUR boss DEMON!” He says triumphantly as he storms out of my office, calling me by my new hacker alias. I sigh and send a quick synapses to my boss in NYC, who as luck would have it is cool. He has a good laugh and decides to tell the moron that HE is MailerDaemon, and he’s sick of all the bouncing e-mail. So now my new pal Slappypants is writing memos and hand delivering them in place of actual e-mails. Fuck with ME and you go back to pen and paper baby. [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments *snicker* At least he doesn't think that his computer has been possessed. -Veinor I'm sick today, and laughing hurts. Damn you for making me hurt! -namor AHHHHHH, the "return to medieval times" LART. Always a classic. -ewspy87 Not quite as good as the "Beginnings of the Industrial age" LART. Where you send there kids to work in a mill for 20 hours a day and randomly infect them with deadly diseases. But still good. -ewspy87 My < diety inserted here>! it seems your offices are a black hole of dumb! Your being the execption to said rule of course * grovel grovel* -Harm Was this you? http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2005/4/12wayne.html -QuinTech "Who is this sender and... why is he getting all the mail?" </Stanley Stupid> -LinuXtreme *Coughing on her caffeine fix* Thanks, Coyote; my keyboard really needed a bath this morning. -taieena Spicy! Nicely arranged! Excellent bouquet! A very enjoyable meal, Coyote demonstrates his IRON BOFH skills on this poor Monkfish! -TieDyedDinosaur I started to laugh when I read this line "an intimidation factor that is lessened by the fact that ... I can see his tummy." -jard Followup LART - Replace all his pens with Blue-on-one-side Red-on-the-other-side teacher pens and watch him whimper trying to guess which side he should use. -ShujinTribble --Or maybe a good old fashioned fountain pen and ink well? -ShujinTribble I just LOVE it when the Lusers start off all pissy & get a well deserved LART. Tech:1, Fuckwit:0. -lineswine You should add, "Fuck with me again and you'll revert to sending messages via either smoke signals or cave paintings.... -vacuumtubes very very funny. i like the "new hacker alias". and i thought that namor would thank you because he likes the pain. -rhiannon There is no spoon. -SFHunter The Mailer Demon..huh? I have always wandered where you lurked and now I know. Begone you foul beast..not you Demon the Doughnut Guy. -joebob Slappypants rode Mailer Daemon's rocket -Evilturnip I think you meant "synopsis", not "synapses". Granted, that luser could use a few extra synapses. -thx1138 Anyone else think that The Coyote should get a special TSC Crown? -kman52000 Well the exercise'll do 'em good. -TranceGemini

42. To pee or not to pee.. I’m new to this building, and I’m sad to say that it’s lay out of cubicles, all grey and lifeless, virtually identical on each floor, confuses me and disorients me constantly. They send me down to the first floor to run cabling, and I’m very happy to do so because there are some seriously beautiful women down there, and they are so shielded from male workers that they all jump on me like pitbulls on a Jehovah’s witness for conversation. I feel super manly and all-the-way studly. I’m down there, sweating, toiling, and basically being a popular stud in everyway when it hits me… I *really* have to pee. One of those strong urges that gives you that weak feeling in your bladder. I look around and find one of the more buxom beauties to ask directions to the bathroom, as climbing four flights of stairs (I don’t do elevators unless I have to) while doing the “pee pee dance” didn’t seem that alluring. She giggles an airhead giggle (because she is seriously brain dead) jiggles very nicely, which is why I went to talk to the low cut blouse wearing single cell, and tells me down the hall and to the left. Now, the first floor, which is a separate firm, is *much* nicer than my floor. MUCH. I’m talking carpeting, wall sconces, track lighting, antique furniture for accents. VERY classy…I’m only mentioning this because that is what threw me… As I’m following her directions I’m noticing all of the very nice decorations. I’m amazed that this place exists a mere two floors down from the lifeless beehive of cubes upstairs. I follow the hall, and notice in the ENGRAVED MARBLE the word “restrooms.” Still shaking my head in awe I enter the bathroom, and I’m greeted by a sitting area with mirrors, several individual faucets and sink combos and STALLS. “Wow, no urinals. This place is CLASSY.” I remember thinking to myself as I enter the stall and pee like a fiend. I finish and wash my hands at the very nice sink, glance over the waiting area, and as I smile walking out, notice the very classy, VERY well placed.. Tampon machine. My heart leaps in my chest. She gave me DIRECTIONS TO THE LADIES ROOM. I scream and leap out into the hallway, glancing around nervously. There’s no one around…no one noticed. Feeling safe, I take a deep breath and look up into the wall camera, momentarily stunned by the little flashing “record” light. Security has been ragging me *all* god damn day. “Wow, no urinals.”…I am *such* a fucking tool. [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments I can envision the reaction to the tampon machine. The short, dumbfounded scream ala Homer Simpson. -firebird2k2 This too shall p@ss! At least you made it out before 'company' arrived! Maybe she forgot her plans to join you there! -TieDyedDinosaur I think they would have caught on and left when they heard the piss hit the seat, anyway. -namor Not your fault. You were blinded by the decor and distracted by the boobies. Discreatly locate the men's room though, for future referance. But don't let that stop you from asking the bimbo for directions so you can hear your voice echo in her cleavage. -WinterWolf *howls of hysterical laughter* Oh man, that's a classic. -CommanderData ^ ^ I'm laughing. WITH YOU, of course... -TranceGemini In the movie ROBOTS, during the Great one's return to his office, a staffer ducks into the wrong restroom. The doors were marked with 'PLUG' and 'SOCKET' symbols! -TieDyedDinosaur I was drunk at opne point and wandred into the womens bathroom - lack of Urinals and the nice blond standing in the doorway tipped me off. took a while for it to sink in. -Harm What CommanderData said :) -Mango pulled that one at a goth/fetish club photo show once, walked in on 2 chicks doing coke, ala pulp fiction. -omegawolf I feel your pain. I work as a janitor cleaning a church on Monday mornings. I start cleaning the church about 4 in the morning. One morning I'm standing in the womans bathroom, using a toilet I'm about to clean, stall door wide open, when a little old lady wanders past. She appearently arrived early for a funeral. Luckily, it wasn't hers. Also, shocked looks on Old women's faces are priceless! -Bobsentme Speaking of Coke, the scene in one of Cheech and Chong's movies where Cheech is at someone's house, in the kitchen, pours some powdered cleaner on the empty glass sheet and starts cutting it up... a girl comes in and snorts it! -TieDyedDinosaur "…I am *such* a fucking tool." - Remember.. You said it.. We didn't. -ShujinTribble *waves video tape* All is known. -Calydor Duh! She owes you dinner for sending you to the wrong lavatory. C'mon guys, I know I'm not the only one around here with a dirty mind... -VIPERsssss IF she was intending to follow him In and um... 'take some oral dictation' then all is OK. if not then see if you can convice the people with the vid tape . -Harm *BLINK* Woah! Paranoia thought... What if she Set Him Up?! (Were you able to see ALL the way through her head? Oh, right... Like his eyes ever made it past her collarbone.) -ShujinTribble Noone asked. Did you leave the seat up? I do that in a gas station, the mens is occupied so I use the womens. I leave the seat up EVERY time, #1 or #2. -burrkiss My sympathies Coyote, but this has happened to all of us. Next time buy something from said machine and walk out of the bathroom chewing it, that'll throw security off! *eg* -TheMage18 ROTFLMMFAO, you are too damned funny:) I can just picture the look on your face when you saw the tampon machine. -THETECHFROMHELL Coyote - ever considered that she ISN'T as dumb as you take her for & that yopu've just benn pranked? -lineswine If the only sign around just said "restrooms" I think you're innocent in the matter. I did the same thing once when I was in a hurry and didn't watch the sign. Those tampon machines are *bad* omens. -linkv BWAAAHAHAHAHA, don't you know that the ladies is always a classy joint and the gents is always in a good awful mess with nothing but the trench and a few fly ridden lavs in the corner + a copy of the Sun (or US equiv trashy paper) at the door to waft the flies off the bowl :) -Armakuni Aww! She totally set you up! No fair! But still funny! -TheCoyoteFan

43. Overtime? I think NOT.. “Hi Coyote!” A cheery voice that is always on the phone, but never *here* says cheerily just outside my office door. I flinch. It belongs to one of the two telcom techs that are supposed to be here on MONDAY night. I glance at the clock. Two-thirty. My hackles rise. “Hey Tweedledee.” I respond back smiling a forced smile as I slowly stand up. “I thought you guys were coming on Monday to do the telcom stuff?” I chuckle as he and Tweedledumb step in. “Newp. Slow workload today, so we drove down. We’re going to do the servers tonight! Nice EH?” He laughs as I shake his hand. He flinches in pain as I involuntarily squeeze his hand into a meaty pulp. I have plans tonight damn it. First plans since I moved BACK to Syracuse, and now I have to CANCEL because they show up without notice to do telcom work? I’m smiling but I’m none-too-happy. You didn’t have plans did you?” Tweedledee aks, reading the rage behind my eyes. It doesn’t matter if I had plans or not, and I know it. I’m the only one with the access he needs, the only one who knows the router configuration, and the only one with keys to the server room. I have to fucking stay, even if they did give no fucking prior notice. “None.” I smile as I lie through my teeth. I lead TweedleDee and TweedleDumb to the server room, and show them the telcom setup. TweedleDumb drops his keys on the AC unit’s intake panel and I quickly snatch them up. “Don’t leave them there unless you want to loose them.” I warn, handing him the keys to back. “I don’t have keys to your server if they get sucked up, and this thing cycles everytime I turn on the lights.” I point out as he nods mutely and throws his partner a pissy look. They look at whatever they have to do on their end of it, and talk to me about my end. I’m not happy, but they are techs, and I’m a nice guy so I help out. They announce they need their tools and they’ll come get me when they get back from the truck. They lock up the server case, I turn off the lights, and we head out of the server room. Ten minutes later they page me to the server room. They can’t see anything, and they can’t find the light switch. I walk in, hit the switches as I do EVERY morning and I’m greeted with the sound of keys dropping into a ventilation shaft. If you’ve never seen an air circulation unit, it’s pretty funny. It acts like a vacuum at first, then a blower. However, if something heavy, say…a set of fucking SERVER CASE KEYS gets sucked in, they are *not* getting blown back out. They kinda go pale and blink at each other as the sound of bouncing keys gets more and more distant. “Um…where did they go?” TweedleDee asks with a dry mouth. I’m just staring at the vent hole. “Probably in the first floor ducts somewhere, or the basement where the compression thingie is.” I say in awe looking down the hole. “Fuck.” They say in unision as I look up, trying not to laugh. “I warned you.” I point out trying to help, but I can see by their face that it doesn’t help much at all. I bet they are having a great drive back to NYC for the spare set of keys. [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Absolutely precious! This is exactly what TSC is about, documenting the self-LART that occurs AFTER an intelligent techie WARNS the SF about a situation. This gets a 10.0 for technical composition, although only an 8.0 for creative BOFH assistance. -TieDyedDinosaur <laughs> I wrote it as it happened, so they can't ALL be knee-slappers. <grins> Usually I have a ride home or two work to decide what I'm going to post on lunch. This was just too priceless to let age.. -The Coyote Next time, disguise it as a handy seat. -smellystudent Now, the LART would be complete if their screw up allowed you to resume the plans you had for the evening while they are driving... no luck there though, I'm guessing? -Galandar Nono. They LEFT. They have to drive back to NYC, four hour drive from here at LEAST...I'm done at 5pm and fishing at 6pm! -The Coyote Dude, I thought TweedleDee and TweedleDum worked in my office as Salesdroids? When did they become telecom guys? Or are they all clones? <looks around with fear in his eyes> -SwedishChef "I warned you.” I point out trying to help - - - Ya, that always helps. Kinda like "I told you so" with a BSEG on your face. Great way to rap up my friday. -jard You're un 'Cuse, huh? I'm kinda down the road a piece the OTHER way from NYC. Enjoy your fishing - the weather should stay nice for you... I hope. -ShujinTribble And that is a long-ass drive from Siberacuse to NYC. MUCH longer than the clock would indicate. -QuinTech *lol* -taieena Isn't that nice. You're fishing for fish with a fishing pole, they're fishing for keys with a magnet on a string. That was brilliant. -Disallowed Hey Coyote? Thanks- now I'm getting "the look" from coworkers for giggling over the keys.... -taieena Sounds like a LART and good karma to boot! -CyBear *alughs* well I hope you have more fun fishing than they do driving! -CommanderData Is there a filter/cleanout just before the compressor? It might be interesting to see if a set of keys eventually shows up there! -TieDyedDinosaur Reminds me of the scene in "Who's Harry Crumb". -LaserGuru Well, you missed the opportunity to just leave them in there with the lights out... could have done the install with whichever one was still standing on Monday. -namor your going to head back later and get the keys right? after all they might come in handy later. ;P -drachen too bad thier car keys werent on that keyring -Deadagent Cool LART! (pun intended) -Grue Har Har Har! It couldn't have happened to a more deserving couple. <ek9g> -Gromit thus again proving my theory that NYC would best serve the universe as a smoking crater.. LA too.( i have nothing againts the cities themselves.. wonderfull places in my mind.. but the people.... TCS members excluded.) -Harm Disallowed - Would be a DAMNED SHAME is the conduit is magnetic too, huh? (Tsk-tsk-tsk) Yeah... a REAL damned shame. -ShujinTribble Set of keys...20.00 Gas for 4 hour trip...100.00 Looks on Tweedledee and Tweedledum when you are able to say "I told you so"...well, you know. -persephone Good one. -Psudo What a pity your plans didn't co-incide with theirs <BFEG> What happened to professional courtesy, as in they asking you if you'd be free to do the job? Meh, I hate working with arrogant fuckwads. They got what is appropriate...they wasted your time, & now they've wasted their journey. Warning them not to do something & they doing it AGAIN...poetic justice. -lineswine You Rock! You Rule! -TheCoyoteFan

44. SwedishChef can't be upstaged More of a rule than a story, but I digress. [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Boy, we're both pretty bored at work today, aren't we? How much longer until you go fishing? Let me know which lake, and maybe I'll join you (a few hours late, as it's about an 8 hour drive from Toronto) -SwedishChef Onieda Lake, Walleye tourny..lol...I'll have a beer waitin' for ya... -The Coyote I think you ought to, 'Chef - you and The Coyote DEFINITELY need to get out more... -Gromit Kill the Cormorant! -Spyder19 Dude! That SwedishChef guy rules! He got you good! -TheCoyoteFan

45. Call me C3PO “You’ve reached the I.T. Department, Coyote speaking; how may I assist you today?” I ask in tones so filled with love and the desperate want to help that I nearly make myself hornk up my cheerios. “My computer is beeping.” The voice admonishes in a very concerned manner. “They do that.” I point out helpfully, and I’m rewarded with a long confused pause. “No, I mean it’s REALLY beeping.” She insists, and in the background I can hear a very rapid beeping. “Maybe it’s trying to tell you something.” I point out helpfully as I listen, my brain raising it’s hand and going “ooh! Ooh!” because it knows the answer. I ignore it and continue my conversation. “You ever seeStar Wars? R2D2? He beeps.” I point out, and there is more slack-jawed silence. “Star Wars?” They ask, and I can feel their own brain struggling against the walls of stupidity around it. “Sure.” I continue. “You know. R2D2. Little trashcan looking robot? Hangs out with the gay robot who walks funny?” I explain, and I’m greeted with silence, save the rapid beeping in the background. “What’s it..saying?” They ask slowly, skeptically, as if I’m prone to screwing with the end user or something. “Put her on the phone.” I sigh dramatically, wondering what she’ll do. No one is that gullible. I’m greeted with a few thunks of plastic and the rapid beeping gets louder, and knowing what it is, I’m surprised it hasn’t rebooted or locked. After a minute she gets back on the line. “Well?” She asks in an unbelieving voice. “She says that your mouse pad is on the enter key of your numberpad, and that you eat a lot of microwave popcorn.” I embellish, because microwave popcorn is the office food of cubicle dwellers, and the oversized ergo mousepad/wristpad combos are responsible for this call about 20 times a day. As I’m explaining the beeping stops. “Holy fuck.” She swears in amazement, and I cover the phone to stop her from hearing my laughter. “You can understand BINARY?!” She gasps as she uses the term binary in wonderous new ways. “Sure can.” I admit, leaving out the fact that we are now talking about two different things. She hangs up and I go back to googling for boobies. Later, as I’m walking down the row of cubes to get to the break room for a sprite zero, I hear her whisper to a cellmate as I walk by. “That dude can TALK to computers.” Yup. Me and Matthew Brodrick. [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments At one place I was employed, there was a speaker for listening to the phone line the modems (1200 and 2400 baud) connected to. It also functioned as a microphone. I dialed in to a remote terminal and whistled at it, eventually got a connection and even a data check, I apparently managed to synch. So you could say the computer at the other end understood SOMETHING I said. -TieDyedDinosaur Apparrently she doesn't know about the "Coyotus-of-Borg" incident... BTW, how's yer eye ? -Spyder19 That's fucking beautiful man. I'm laughing my ass off so loud here everyone else (all 1 of them) had to come read this post too. Here's a taco AND a dollar. -RA Okay, I'll do it. "You're C3PO." Happy now? :-) -Grue "i see dead computers" very nice -rhiannon You're *so* bad. I like it. :) -snowcrash I talk to fax machines. Sometimes they talk back. Those are good days. -smellystudent The tech support version of Nell, I guess? -namor Words cannot express how farkin funny that is! I'm completely at a loss! Well Done!!! -ITNaziChick Damn. You're good. -CommanderData "you are a mutant and will go far" <Apple //+ user manual- that thing was a blast> -LaserGuru <applauds>WOO-HOO!! That's great! -rokitt The Computer Whisperer? -NightSteel Does this come from having spent time as a Borg? *INJOKE!* -halfstarfish Another unfucking believeable story. You rock dude. -THETECHFROMHELL This is priceless. almost fell off the chair laughing so much. I am forwarding this to a few of my friends - non-techs (but not SF either) so they don't get the web site. -Psudo Beautiful. Just beautiful. *wipes tear* -pixel "No one is that gullible." - Have you not learned yet? (Smile) Thanks - I needed that smile today. -ShujinTribble How to convey being *without words* since I'm so awed? <dazed look> -CTYankee <little boy voice> "Daddy, daddy, I wanna grow up just like Coyote!" <father runs away crying> "What? What? What did I say?" -ecoli Coyote, take this from a would be, frustrated, amateur writer: YOU ROCK!! :D <Two thumbs up> -TheGhost Tee Hee Hee - Riff said "Boobies!" Awesome story BTW. -lineswine Lineswine: As far as I know, that was Coyote :-) -Mango You, Coyote, are a god. Marry me. -TranceGemini Tears man...tears... Trying not to laugh out loud and piss of my coworkers. -rockytech Of course he can talk to computers ... for "All is known"! -Necros Thank *diety* I wasn't on the phone while reading your mail, as I burst out laughing uncontrollable. As I could stop laughing for 3 minutes my co-workers wanted me to share. You are now a hero here! -NordicPT -.. ..- -.. . -Criptonite You're 3P0? So that makes you a gay robot who walks funny? You said it, not me :) -paul *bows down in respect and awe* Very nicely done. You're my hero. -Lese OK, you have now made me serously consider NOT reading TSC at work... My boss was not very happy about my uncontrolled laughter... He is one of those stick in the butt guys... No fun on company time... Damn it! -Shane That is the VERY first post that made me laugh so hard my eyes watered <bows to the king> -srteach Wait, you called C3P0 gay... Does that mean.... *books it for the LART shelter* -TheMage18 "BINARY ... We are now talking about two different things." LOL! -concept14 You so rule! Talking to computers! C3PO! Wooohoo! -TheCoyoteFan aaaaaaaaeeeeeggggghhhhhhh </chewbacca> -p3bk4c

46. 50 / 50 chance The telcom room is HUGE. It’s a maze of racks and wires and it supports several call centers and the wiring to three buildings. It is cold, dark, and scary and I absolutely love it in there. Every time I am in there, running wire, checking cabling, setting up new phones, I am in absolute heaven. Why? Because with its walls of messy wiring, its racks covered in cable and its single blinking half dead light, it looks like a scene out of the movie aliens. Minus the facehuggers, which while cute, could become annoying quick. So I sit there, in the near dark, tracing cabling because someone tried and failed to disconnect the building’s intercom system. The com-box is half unplugged, unlabeled and barely dangling on the wall when I find it. With a sigh I start to connect all of the cabling and this is where I come into a tiny snag… I’m left with two wires. One wire is power, and one wire is the main line feed. My problem? I have NO clue which wire is which. I spend several long minutes staring at the coppery ends in my hand and wondering what to do. There’s no documentation, no one here has a clue what goes on in the telcom room, and several people are adding tickets to my queue to hook the thing back up. I have no line test with me (I left it home damn it), and both lines have power to them, so the old “zap” test is out. Then it hits me. I’ll do what any good, qualified, experience, well trained, and devilishly handsome tech would do. I guess. I mean hey, its only TWO wires right? We’re talking 50-50 chance here. With a sigh I plug what I HOPE is the main-com line into the main line feed. The effect, to say the very least, is impressive. For those of you who don’t know what happens when you plug an internal powerline into a com feed….let me describe it; First..there is a crackle, then EVERY FUCKING phone, com box, overhead speaker and com monitor SCREAMS in high pitched agony scaring the living shit out of everyone in the building before several relays and fuses blow in succession. I unplug it quickly and put the wires into their correct housings as the Telcom room door is kicked open. “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?” Screams a rightfully panicked general manager, whom I might add has no power over me, and more importantly no technical knowledge. “It SOUNDED like it came from the breaker room on the fourth floor!” I shout back pretending to be equally surprised, but really just wanting him to get to the fourth floor so that I can change the dead relays and reset the box switches. He takes off like a donut stuffed lightning bolt in a cloud of powdered sugar, and as soon as he’s out of my sight I fix everything and meet him up in the breaker room. And here is where my goddess shines softly upon me. As I make it to the breaker room, Thor the Donut God is YELLING at a user whom I cannot personally STAND, who UNPLUGGED A COPIER at the exact moment I blew up the building. Sighing, I watch him and the user argue, explain that everything is better now , and its not the user’s fault as the building is old and the wiring even older. He apologizes to the user, who apologizes to me, and they both walk away sheepishly. I fuck up, someone I don’t like gets blamed and apologizes to me. Damn I’m good. [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Dude, if you're making this stuff up, I bow to your literary genius. If you're not... I'd probably rather not know. Kudos. -linkv Your shielding is impressive. It repels attack and re-directs it onto a convenient opponent. All who would attack this BOFH pay heed (and homage, lest you be selected as a 'grounding point' for surplus energies!) -TieDyedDinosaur Dear Lord, thank you for Coyote, I REALLY needed that about now. -MamaTech Thing of beauty there. -seventh ... But you're STILL not a BOFH, yet ;-) -Necros Ahhh, truly the mark of a Master in Bofhido. Nice move, deflecting any shit onto a deserving Luser. -lineswine Man, that's like rolling a natural 20 saving throw vs. 'There couldn't be a red dragon behind this door.' Nice! -teivrann <shakes head while "tsk-tsk"ing> This carnage was unnecessary.... -Grue Natural Blame-Repelling field. Nice -CommanderData Wow, now THAT is the mark of the "chosen BOFH"! -Harm Oww Shit me, i'm laffing so hard my ribs hurt. bally good show old bean :) -Armakuni What's really funny, is the guy who got blamed for it probably started thinking up a thousand excuses within .5 seconds, just like you did, when you both "pulled the plug." See, all those video games hightening your reflexes DOES pay off. Bravo. -RA "donut stuffed lightning bolt in a cloud of powdered sugar" <----I love that line... -JoeLugian The young padawan is excelling in his use of the BOFH Force. Excellent show. :D -Torinir *Does the Wayne's World bowing thing* WE'RE NOT WORTHY, WE'RE NOT WORTHY!!! *Falls off chair laughing and can't get up* -halfstarfish Okay, that is by FAR the funniest thing I have read. Ever. This post needs to be framed or something, and Linkv, hell, I hope every word of this was true! Thank you Mr. Coyote, this was a welcome addition to an entirely too stressful day. -Mango It's a good thing I stopped reading when I took a swig of Gatorade. If I hadn't I'd've been cleaning Gatorade off my monitor about now. -sassicatz Great story :) I was eating my lunch while reading this and about choked to death as I started laughing and inhaled foof down the wrong pipe! -THETECHFROMHELL He chose.... poorly <Indiana Jones Quote> -Divinar You must be getting karma from all the happy geeks who read your posts. But, just a thought.... Why didn't you plug the two mystery cables into the power feed port instead? That way, if you had the wrong one, nothing would have blown up... -Divinar man, if what you write is even just a 10th true - i gotta take you drinking. But i don;t think your one for much exageration. -Harm Shit Coyote - you've done it again. Its 01:24 here as I read this in Mission Control with Mrs. Gromit snoring her delectable arse off in the bedroom next door. Or rather she isn't - your post made me chortle so loudly it woke her and now she's blaming you (again). Nice one, old fruit. -Gromit "a donut stuffed lightning bolt in a cloud of powdered sugar" = Mt. Dew sprayage! Thanks Coyote!! -Ulfgaard LOL @ "He takes off like a donut stuffed lightning bolt in a cloud of powdered sugar." Do we have anyone here with artistic talent who would like to illustrate this scene? -concept14 This story was the perfect end to a perfect day. Two new clients, a call for an interview while I was out dealing with the first two, a 12-week contract gig looking viable after the interview, and I come home to catch up on TSC and run across yet another great Coyote post! OUTSTANDING!! -PTSTech i'm running out of candles for your shrine, you need to take some time off so i can make more. -rhiannon Ecellente -modeski I KNOW you have a DVM if your a tech, just check the voltage. If you dont have a DVM, just lick your finges and touch one, its a 50/50 chance......... -burrkiss Doh! Wrong 50%! At least you could cover your tracks! That rules! -TheCoyoteFan A little late in reading this one, but still blew lukewarm coffee out my nose... so much for the new white shirt... Donut stuffed lightning bolt..LMFAO !!! -BeaMeUpScotty

47. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. “IT, Coyote speaking.” I yawn into the phone, still not fully recovered from the previous night’s surprise over-time. “My email just stopped working and I need it NOW.” A grumpy voice commanded in pissy tones usually saved for people he has actual POWER over. “Hmmm..email not working? Have you had this problem long?” I ask in my “Pretend to care while fucking with the phone system” voice. “No! It just went out for NO reason, and I have IMPORTANT work to do. Fix it, NOW.” He demands in that growly voice, and if I were under his power I would be quaking. IF I were under his power. “Okay. I just changed a setting.” I lie, having done nothing but fuck with his name in the phone system. “Try it again and call me back.” I add cheerily as he hangs up. I wait patiently, staring at the digital read out of my phone. A moment later, it rings. “FritoBandito” blinks into life on my screen, and I crack myself up so loudly that I draw stares from the surrounding cubicles..I’m not sure why that killed me the way it did..but oh nelly am I giggling. “IT, Coyote speaking.” I answer the phone, covering a giggle with a cough. “God damn it. IT STILL doesn’t work. Can you just come over here and FIX IT?” The Frito Bandito whines into my phone, and my mind adds a bad stereotypical Mexican accent to the request. “Sure. On my way.” I try to say, but I’m fighting back giggles with coughs. He hangs up and I head over to see what the hell is going on. The FritoBandito is sitting in his little cube, yelling at someone else on the phone when I finally arrive. He moves out of his chair and mouths “FIX IT” to me as he gestures roughly to his PC. I mouth back “Si.” And he looks confused. Two seconds in outlook shows me the issue. He’s changed the names of all his account settings, killed off the exchange server, and pretty much put in nonsense in every spot necessary to run outlook correctly. He finishes his call and looks at me expectantly. “WELL?” He demands. “Were you in your outlook settings changing things?” I asked, plopping my feet on his desk. “Um, no. I didn’t ..um..change ANYTHING.” He stammers looking guilty. I can see him starting to sweat and I love it. “You sure? This is VERY important. I need to know, did you change ANY of your settings?” I ask, not sure why I’m still giving him a way out of this. “NO!” He growls “back in control”. “And don’t accuse me of it!.” He adds, boss of the world. “Damn. I was hoping you’d say yes.” I sigh defeated, and he gets this smug look on his face. “Because since you didn’t change the settings, and they were changed, something has to have been compromised or corrupted. Looks like I’ll have to wipe and reload it.” I sigh, standing up as I begin to unplug his keyboard and monitor. Now he’s fucked. He KNOWS its policy to wipe and reimage if anything goes nuts, and he’s just screamed at me that he didn’t change the settings. He whines for a minute and looks like he has to pee. Then he does that “Not sure which way I want to go” squirrel in the road dance and looks at me pleadingly. “I’ll write up the ticket and you’ll have her back first thing Monday morning.” I smile as I squeak by him to exit his cube, leaving the Frito Bandito a sad little amigo.. [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments This BOFH gains more power with each post. I fear he may need to be stopped ... but not anytime soon, this shit is WAY too funny. -QuinTech NOW you're cookin'! This culinary masterpiece began with a delicate 'slap a silly label on the asshat's back' canape, then a palate cleansing 'let's pretend to be docile' intro to the meaty 'OK, make my day, punk' main course. We have a new IRON BOFH! -TieDyedDinosaur "Badgers? We don't need no stinking Badgers!" -VIPERsssss I got a nice, warm feeling just reading that. Which is good, 'cause a minute ago I really had to pee...oh, wait... -Owie Once again, I am humbled in the presence of a Master! -Ulfgaard That was cool. Perhaps the PBX techs have had similar issues with him, and that screen ID resulted? -Grue No! Don't! Neeeeever push the red one... -Landshark Beautiful! Just, Beautiful... -mwad <sniff> Brings a tear to my eye, and another candle to the shrine. -namor WE'RE NOT WORTHY!!!!! <BOW> -JoeLugian *Stands and claps* ENCORE! ENCORE! -kman52000 So you're just gonna leave it in pergatory all weekend, change his desktop and give it back right? Maybe with a little more free space on the hard drive? -Jeckler ... and a little less pr0n? Excellent LART! -maciarc Why don't you give him the "special" image.... You know, the one with OS/2 on it. -angrymacface OS/2?! He's a BOF-freekin'-H.. Not the Marque de Sade! (Oh, wait...) -ShujinTribble *continuing to giggle through the coughing asthma attack resulting from laughing* Coyote, you are just way too much; truly the Trickster. -taieena Nice use of the company policy LART. Sounds like you need to rotate his PC to a more deserving employee. Have any PII 450's hanging around? -scooby111 Hell, don't ever leave TSC again. Promise? This stuff makes my day :-) -Mango *lights a candle on the shrine* very nice. very nice -rhiannon We would love a follow-up on this one. Especially if you find something on his system that's not supposed to be there. -teivrann Utterly amazing. I find myself weeping with joy at your masterful usage of corporate policies to demonstrate the futility of attempting anything without your express approval. I fully expect you will have them (or at least him<G>) sitting there quaking, afraid to even breathe wuthout your permission, lest he cause even more larts for himself. I applaud you, and eagerly look forward to your next masterpiece. :) -PCRaevyn omfg, i'm stealing that for this prick i have in charge of production here. lmao, PERFECT!!! -omegawolf I-Eee Yii Yii Yiiii, I am the Frito Bandito! I actually was. In first grade my mom made me dress up as the freakin' Frito Bandito for a school "play". They drew a moustache, chin beard, and eyebrows on me and made me wear a sombrero. The sombrero was filled with Fritos, and at the end of the "play" I had to whip off the sombrero tossing the Fritos into the audience. And they wonder why I'm still in therapy... -viennasausage You've got to install a small spy video camera in a hat and start recording these larts. And then post them of course. -mccallister That's it, from now on I'm taking notes... -PTSTech Another great story, you are the king of all time!!! Thanks for the much needed laughter:) -THETECHFROMHELL It's rare that something is actually funny enough to make me laugh, and that story did it. Grazias. It's always nice to see the bosses assisting in a LART like that with policy and procedure. -HidariMak Out-frickin'-standing!! -rockytech LOL! You 0wned his phone! -TheCoyoteFan

48. CD-Rammed “Eyetea. Coyote speaking.” I say into the phone politely, even if the caller did pull me from a Cubicle 2 fantasy quite rudely. “You know that CD-Rom device that you SUPPOSEDILY fixed?” The voice on the other end charges in, avoiding obstacles like polite greetings or common phone courtesy like a pro. “The one you ripped the tray out of because it wouldn’t eject the cd because the computer was unplugged?” I asked as if trying to remember the CD-Rom unit in question. “Well it just ate THREE of my cd’s.” The little yipping user dog barked into my ear piece. “THREE Cd’s?” I asked impressed. “Wow. Musta been hungry.” I pause for a giggle. No giggle, just labored breathing and an annoyed stare I can feel through the phone. “What do you mean by ATE three of your CD’s?” I sigh my question. Nobody appreciates my sense of humor. “I put in three cd’s, NONE come out.” The user says slowly, as if I’m wearing a diaper and trying my best to color inside the lines. I’m not. I’m an outside of the lines type of guy. “Did you put them in all at ONCE?” I ask in my “You are a very special person” voice. I’m rewarded with an angry grunting sound. Well..either that or he found some truffles. “Do you THINK I’M STUPID?” He asks in a pissy voice, and I suppress a giggle. “I’ll be right over.” I assure him, never answering his last question. I’m figuring it was rhetorical anyhow. About twenty minutes later I saunter into his cubile and he meets me with an angry glare. “Where the HELL WERE YOU? I called your desk THREE TIMES.” He all but screamed as I figured that was one call per CD. “Oh, sorry, The five man relay took out the wax on wax off buffer and the whole thing went to the secret cow level.” I sigh as if worried as I slide into his seat. He doesn’t respond as he tries to decipher my speech, watching with big cow eyes as I open up the cd rom. Nothing in there. “Nothing in there.” He points out, obviously not reading the above line. “This is a micro pc Chet.” I explain, knocking over his collection of happy meal toys as I move his monitor to get to the box. “There is nowhere for the cd’s to go but inside the box, which means…” I pause as I open the computer and pull out the three cd’s that were sitting on the ram row. “You missed the slot.” I smile, handing him the cd’s. “Um. No I didn’t.” He defends. “They must have spun out of the cd and LANDED in there.” He reasons. “They spun out of an enclosed mirco cd tray, and landed in your pc?” I ask, bewildered as I put the computer back together. “Um..yeah..yeah..happens all the time.” He stammers, not meeting my eyes. “Can you fix that?” He asks boldly, waiting for me to agree with him. “Sure can.” I smile as he sighs in relief. Grabbing a sticky note I write “Wear your god damn glasses” on it and tape it over the the crack above his cd tray and walk away. This is why I hate people… [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments I would have loved to seen his face when you put that sticky note on his computer. That had to have been priceless. -unrunt Well, that tears it. I may have to demolish a couple of cubicles, but your shrine is goign up. -namor There are no words. The planets must be lining up. -Flexo Yes, but were they kid's cd's like the other post (with pictures)? Maybe we've identified who is training whom! -TieDyedDinosaur That's just great! I just spit mac-n-cheese all over my monitor. :-/ -Landshark “Wear your god damn glasses” You are truely the best -jard All hail The Coyote! Chuckles never knew what hit him... -PTSTech Coyote, I don't know where you work, but it seems to be full of stupid arrogant people. What a material-rich environment. : ) -JoeLugian That was some good stuff. Coyote, you should write a humerous short story book about tech comedy -jwinc7 namor - sounds like the plot for "Office Space 2: The Search for the Holy BOFH Shrine" -ShujinTribble “Can you fix that?” "sure can!" Rip out drive. "Done!" -ecoli My stories wilt under the brightness of the posts of The Coyote. I bow to his greatness as Teller of Tales. I shall sit by his right knee and soak from the fountain of wisdom that falls from his lips. Teach me so I may learn master. <Damn it. I had photos. I tried.> ;-) -Rabbitt Shit - you've done it again! Made me laugh loud enough to wake Mrs. G for a second time. It's OK though - I blamed you for it... -Gromit ecoli - I 2^nd that -ShujinTribble Secret cow level....moooo -Starfury Another great story from the bad ass coyote, you rock! -THETECHFROMHELL very nice. "can you fix that?" i dunno you're a pretty old dog for new tricks. -rhiannon In my case that post it would have been "CD does not go here" -redevil34 just remove the dam cdrom drive then ducktape the hole, and any slots that a cd could fit into. -Deadagent I read that one while on the line with a client, had to put him on hold.. great stuff -Shindhi Wear your damn glasses! Too cool! -TheCoyoteFan

49. You say tomato.. “Coyote, can you set up a share file between me and my cube-mates?” A voice rings out as someone dares enter my lair. I look up slowly, no chocolates, no bawls, no gifts of appeasement of ANY sort. I sigh in frustration. What the hell good is being an evil genius if no one fears you like one? I shake my head and wave the fool deeper into my pit of despair. “A what?” I ask again, closing out the game of Zork I have in command prompt mode that looks REALLY impressive from a distance. “You know. A Share file. A folder we can all dump stuff into. And could you do it right away?” He grins, helping himself to my candy dish and sitting in the chair with no ejector seat. “You are supposed to enter it as a ticket.” I sigh, reciting the rules of engagement. “C’mon man. Its ONE folder. It’ll take you TWO seconds.” He soothes, as if his charm somehow works on me. I sit trapped. I need to fuck with him..but the request is SO clear..so concise. I’m not sure what to do. And then it hits me…and I smile. That smile must have spooked the deer a bit because he suddenly looks nervous. “Will you create a share folder for me then?” He asks, saying the word Share. I hear him say share. I KNOW he said share. “What’s the name of the file again?” I ask smiling. I just want to be sure, since this isn’t in writing. “Share. Make a folder called share.” He says and stands. I smile and agree, and he leaves the lair alive, drawing gasps of amazement from the other who’s. My fingers fly across the keys, and soon the folder is created, and forever (unless I feel the urge to be nice) its name set in stone. Ten minutes later my phone rings. I answer politely, the smile never leaving my face. It’s the one who got away. “Did you create it?” He asks skeptically. “Sure did.” I acknowledge, saying nothing more. “I don’t see it.” He grumbles. “What did you name it?” He asks, and I can hear him typing. “What did you SAY to name it?” I respond, the smile never leaving my face. “Share. But the only file here is named…oh you are a DICK.” And there is a click on the other end of the phone. He found it, and realized a moment too late that he is now the proud owner of a folder he doesn’t have the access to change the name of. Thus…the Cher file was born. Next time, he’ll put it in writing. [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Ooooooh! Eeeeevvvviiiillll! You have been awarded a BOFH DOCTORATE! -TieDyedDinosaur That's hysterical! Hahahahaha -teivrann HAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!! -JoeLugian Dude, I have GOT to meet you one day..... -JoeLugian A slow, evil, stupid, maniacle grin crawls across the Tribble's face as he nods sagely... "That Bastard Simon... has taught you well, young Coyote.. But you are NOT a Jedi yet! You must still brand fear into all who enter your domain... Begin with a Gas-station-like bell that sounds evertime someone approaches you." -ShujinTribble Not a JEDI YET? Pal-o-mine. I am a SITH GOD. And you would realize this if I didn't just crush your trachea with a thought. Sorry about that. Ahem.. "I am." -The Coyote I will gladly buy you a drink any day. <looks at wallet> After payday that is. -neuman1812 This one could make it to the Hall of Fame. -clockkingfl <walks in wearing a long black wig of straight hair that covers his fishnet stocking and thong wearing butt!><starts singing...>"If I could turn back time..."<realizes spiked high heel shoes were not the best thing to run in while dodging flying rotted vegetables> -rokitt You are NOT a true BOFH yet. What did you put in the description portion of the share ? And did you give them nothing but Write permissions but take away their Directory listing and Read permissions ? Wannabe Jedi Biotch ;-) -Necros Not a TRUE BOFH?!? ME?!?! Ahem. Don't make me put this to a vote son. I am not the Emperor. I am not a Jedi. Am the living embodiment of the fucking FORCE. <makes lightsaber sounds> -The Coyote Coyote's pretty good at delivering the LART to the unsuspecting customer. Anyone who says otherwise's got me to deal with. >;) -snowcrash Bloody uber hell, that was the perfect way to do it. I'll spring for drinks if you're around this way. -namor HEEHEEHEEHEE!! "Cher file" - HA! -PTSTech HAHAHAHAHAHA! Absolutely Fabulous! <snigger> -NordicPT snowcrash , anyone who says otherwise gets to deal with you? Do you promise ;-) Otherwise Otherwise Otherwise <Runs for the LART shelter> -Disallowed Coyote, there ain't many things that make me laugh out loud at 1:30AM but you've just managed it. I've just woken Mrs. Gromit up and blamed you for it. Superb LART from a fellow canine. -Gromit See? Told you you aint a Jedi! Y'r SITH, through and through! (Grin) Seriously good work... I STILL think the Gas-station "DING-DING" make-y'r-ears-bleed-loud bell would help keep foot traffic to your office / cube / cave / evil hideout to a minimum. -ShujinTribble Randomly replace documents in that folder with hello.jpg. -VIPERsssss Nice work mate, maybe next time the Luser will follow the farking rules. -lineswine B E A utiful -TheMage18 Cher rules! Why you picking on her? -TheCoyoteFan

50. A hot cup of warm DEATH... “Coyote.” I say into the phone without my usual flair for amusing greetings, as I am preoccupied by a .jpeg of what would be, for me, the largest set of breasts I have ever in my life seen, sent thoughtfully by a good friend who can get that sort of pic out of any woman with a webcam. I hate him. “My PC just shut down and won’t restart.” The voice at the stupid end of the phone whined. “I keep pushing the C minus button, but the little thingie won’t light up.” She continued, persistent in her goal of ripping me from remarkable boobies. “What C minus button?” I ask a bit confused as I close the image box in front of me and try to focus on the brain donor on the other end. “The one that turns on the COMPUTER? Hello?” She says, unaware that adding a pissy “Hello’ to a phone call with me usually wins you an all-expense paid trip to PasswordReset City. It hits me like a ton of moron. The PC Power button symbol. C minus. That’s a new one to me. “And nothing happens when you press the C Minus? No lights, no keyboard, nothing?” I ask redundantly, really not caring but feeling the need to reassure her as I forward her web usage log with a few creative edits to her supervisor. “Do you think I’m STUPID?” she asks, and I can tell by the way she’s asking she really means, “Can you limit my card access so I can’t get into the hallway that contains the bathrooms?” I pride myself in pro-active request processing, and decide to grant her that little wish before she gets the guts to directly ask me for it. Women can be so coy. “I’m on my way right now, don’t go anywhere.” I inform her, hanging up. Usually when there is a PC issue, the user gets a free break as I fix the PC, but they have to wait around until I actually get there. Twenty minutes and a snack size bag of sourcream cheezits later I make it over to MissMuffet’s Tuffet. You’d THINK she’d be HAPPY to see me, but nooo.. “Where have you been?!” She asks in annoyed tones, using both a question mark AND an exclamation mark to strengthen her anger. “Sorry.” I say, wiping cheezit residue on the fuzzy wall of her cubical. “The HAL dumped a VGER node, and Guide Entry for “Vogon” went blank.” I explain as I move into her cell and look at her computer. “Oh! Wow.” She says, looking very impressed by my abilities. “Okay..look.” She adds, pushing the power button. “Nothing.” Tilting my head, non-impressed by HER abilities, I decide to troubleshoot the issue. “Do you like coffee?” I ask, still leaning on the wall of her cubicle. “Um..yeah…why?” She asks kind of confused. I LOVE that look. “How do you like your coffee. Do you like it WARM?” I ask, stressing the word warm. “Um..yeah.” She starts, looking at me like I might suddenly pull an axe and drive it into her chest, which I wouldn’t because management says I have to stop doing that. “What’s warm coffee got to do with anything?” She asks, and I can see her little mind trying to put together all the pieces but failing horribly. “You unplugged your powerstrip and plugged a ceramic mug warmer into it’s spot.” I point out, still not moving as I wait for her to blush. “Oh! Yeah! Would that stop the computer from working?” She asked innocently at first, but her eyes go wide. “Wait..that wouldn’t short out the computer would it?” She asked, and I can smell the fear wafting from her. I do what any GOOD predator would do. I pounce. My eyes go wide as I slowly and carefully unplug her coffee mug warmer like it might suddenly turn into a foaming rodent. “Jesus.” I whisper in relieved fear under my breath just loud enough for her to hear. She gasps and I suppress a chuckle. I plug her powerstrip back in and tell her to push the c plus button. The computer hums to life and we both let out a deep sigh of relief. Her’s real, mine not-so-much. “Next time be careful.” I breath deeply as I turn away from her cubicle. “Those coffee warmers are responsible for 82% of all cubicle related deaths.” I site matter-o-factly as I make up the fact. She thanks me and I go back on my way. Hating society just a little bit more. [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments Yery good - very good, indeed. The only touch I'd have added is a picture entered in a follow-up e-mail, titled "Today's Cause of Low Production.jpg" -Grue 10/10 -modeski It is amazing how interesting of a story you produced from the combination of A) luser with extremely poor understanding of correct pecking order B) simple technical fault due to luser having more new toys than IQ and C) magnificent development of BOFH practices. I bow to your accomplishments! -TieDyedDinosaur Indeed, well done indeed....as I was reading this I just noticed that my Dell Optiplex GX270 has a C minus button on it...damn her...now I'll start calling it that...wait...no I won't...I'm better than that! -da5ve <holds up sign> *10* <whacks australian judge> <australian judge replaces his *01* and reorients his *10*> I've said it before, you missed your calling. You should seriously consider writing a book. You could very well be Douglas Adam's true heir. -scooby111 Wow. I had to look at the power button in an attempt to figure out what she was tlaking about. *turns head sideways* Ok, I'm afraid; I'm starting to follow starfish thoughts- someone shoot me now, please! Oh yeah, Coyote, I started reading your archived stories for a laugh, but I had to stop before I ruined my monitor. Nice one as always! -taieena Thanks everyone, I aim to please, and sometimes for the head. You guys are going to give me an ego..lol. I forgot this site archieves..I'm gunna go back and read..lol..I've forgotten what I've posted..or..ya know..maybe blacked it out. -The Coyote Ahh, the "C-" button (I had to think about that one, too). The ultimate solution to C++ (although, you may have to push it twice. *rim shot*) or pretty much any other computer-related frustration. :D -missourimule I also instantly got the "C minus button" comment she was making. On your behalf.... Brav-f*ckin-O my friend. -RA I had to have a look on my computer until I got the C- thing. -Wonderfull story, Coyote at his usual best! -NordicPT Masterful. Have to remember 'the stupid end of the phone.' -namor Funny, I've never thought about it as a 'c-minus' button... but is it a bad omen if I understood what it was right away? -teivrann Thanks Coyote; I was having a really shitty day that came to head five minutes before I read your post. Now things aren’t so bad, I think I can actually do my job now. -mellowfellow AS we all wait for the next episode of.... Uncle Coyotes' Story Hour ..or.. How Coyotes can destroy the very essence of a luser. -beatmewithstick I love your stories! I sure does make my coworkers wonder why I'm smiling! -Tekkie C- must have been her grade point average, too! Yet another fine already a classic post. Good one, Coyote! :D (oh yeah, can ya email me a copy of the "boobie" jpeg you got?) -rokitt Very Nice! I would hear more about these "remarkable boobies" though... -sajwaite The part that scares me is that I instantly knew what his "excuses" REALLY meant. Right away. I've gotta get out more. -PaseoGuy 10.5 - Coyote, you definately have the knack for storytelling! As always, I enjoy your posts. -ecoli Great story! -Psudo Do those coffee warmer deaths happen with or without a Trickster God involved? :D -halfstarfish 10.5 -burrkiss Coyote, you are MY GOD, nicely done LART. -Wolf359 Another great belly laugh, keep them coming ;) -THETECHFROMHELL Do these work? http://www.namor.ca/wallpaper/beerholder.jpg NSFW. -namor MORE! MORE!! Thanx, Coyote!! -Ulfgaard WTF. Do they really think computers are so magical they don't need electricity? Don't answer that. I don't want my faith in humanity to drop any lower. -thx1138 namor, do those also qualify as emergency flotation devices? And why doesn't the poor thing have nipples? -Tekkie So, was she hot? -robbor I am sooo not worthy. -phsspok You should have poured coffee on her head! Hahahahaha! Wet t-shirt! -TheCoyoteFan

51. Master Thief..+ My new security card is impressive. My new security key card is unique. My security key card is encrypted. My security key card has thumbprint recognition. My security key card probably costs a bajillion dollars. And…most importantly… My security key card sets off the shoplifting alarms at WAL-MART. Imagine this if you will; Your kind, caring, and loving, friendly neighborhood Uncle Coyote decided that after a busy day at his BRAND new job, he’d pop over to Wal-Mart to pick up a few baubles for his brand new desk and at the same time enjoy the admission free freakshow that is Wallyworld. Imagine my SURPRISE when I step INTO Wal-Mart and the security device at the door goes absolutely APESHIT. I’m not talking about the “Beep beep beep” or the lame ass automated voice that tells you to step back and try again. Nonono. Not for Good ol’ Uncle Coyote. HE gets the flashing lights, a high pitched series of beeps and the attention of every person in a ten city block radius. I’m immediately accosted by the crack Wal-mart security guy. And by crack I mean, fat guy named “Dom” who’s fly on his polyester pants is undone and he’s walking with a heavy cane, more than once I’m assuming used to beat unsuspecting shoplifters to death in a back alley. “Step back through the door please Sir.” Dom rasps through bites of donut lodged in his cheek for later storage. I of course comply. Mr.Security Alarm goes all HAL on me again. “Are you attempting to bring into this store sir, any merchandise?” Dom asks me, which is amusing because I’m empty handed and wearing slacks and a dress shirt and tie. “Newp.” I reply, immediately deducing that my new card is setting off the alarms. I relay this information to Dom who looks at me like I’m Houdini trying to show him a card trick. “Are you SURE you aren’t trying to bring merchandise into the store?” He asks as he motions me to step through again, once again setting off the alarm. Now…now I’m having fun. I step in and out about three times and the entire store’s alarm system is going nuts. I grin and look at Dom who tells me to stop. I do. “Why, out of curiousity would I be smuggling product INTO the store?” I ask out of grim need to know as he waves me into the store again, and seeing that I’m not carrying anything decides to let me shop after insuring that he’ll be watching me, all the while holding the door for some kids carrying a TV, Cashregister and gagged and bound Cashier out behind him. “You could have found something cheaper somewhere else and are bringing it in so it scans up with a better price.” Dom said with a bit of logic that, well, I won’t lie to you folks, shut me right the fuck up. I couldn’t react at first as he stood there beaming. “Wow. Do..do you get a lot of that?” I finally managed to ask, my logic circuit blown and smoking. “You’d be surprised.” He confided, and ya know what? He’s right. I really really would. So the big donut let me into the theft proof safe haven that is Wal-mart, and I proceeded to shop and enjoy the human side show all the while unaware of the ninja-like blob of manflesh that was covertly following me around with such secrecy and ability that I nearly lost sight of him once. I love technology. [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments thank you , Coyote...I'm not grumpy anymore. *roflol* -da5ve BWAHAAHAAHAA!!!! Only you, man... -PTSTech Great story, although<DA>I know sometimes people will steal stuff from one Wal-mart and then go to another and try to "return" it for cash.<DA> I've worked a lot of retail and this is a big problem. Still I love the whole donut thing. -ewspy87 Y'know, I could have *lots* of fun with that. And if you don't deliberately terrorize every Wal-Mart store within 50 miles, I'll have your BOFH card revoked. <bfeg> -RiffRaff Did he flip out and kill people? 'Cause that would be cool, and by cool I mean totally sweet. -VIPERsssss Walmart will accept returns on just about *anything*. It's sick. And by sick I mean amusing and horrible at the same time. Your story just made me laugh, though. -namor Another story that could have been a lame "my card has a funny chip in it" turned into a work of literature. Nice one! -QuinTech I love that website vipersss -putahtek during a long period of no employment, i attempted to secure employment at my local Wallyword location as a Greeter. turned down..snubbed...fired out of a cannon. turns out im not 65 and collection social security benifiets, so the Walmart Greeter job didnt happen. -ViciousPenguin walmart has this great policy that if you buy from there online store, you can return it to a real store and they will refund you their stores price, not the online price. I found a camera online that is 75 dollars cheaper than the instore cost here. Interesting, no? -xtc46 And this year's Trickster God award for best farking with WallHell without even trying goes to....THE COYOTE! BFEG. -halfstarfish Of course, there's a second part to this story. What happened on your way out?? (GREAT STORY, btw) -Answerboy I love it! I have seen the same sort of thing happen with my own security card, and with some of the books I read (former library books I get from a little trade-in shop downtown here where I live). It actually pisses me off, because then I'm forced to communicate with these people, but you've shown me how to have fun with it. Thanks! -teivrann Sheer, unadulterated, unfooledaround with class. (Do-it-again! Do-it-again! Do-it-again! Do-it-again! Do-it-again! </4_year_old) -ShujinTribble Nothing happened on his way out, he posted the story from their electronics dept. -Shevaresh Since when does Hell*Mart let it's fishies and pseudo techies have internet access? And if I'm wrong, and anyone here is from Hell*Mart, I apologize...but e-mail me if you want to hear the Time Theft Rant. -halfstarfish I bought a Garmin GPS V at wal-mart a couple of months ago. It was $490 or so. I took it home, tried it out and promptly found the exact same bundle on wal-mart's website for $250. Oops. That's what I get for not shopping around. Of course, I took it back and got a refund. The told the starfish at the counter that it was overpriced by at least $200 and their own website sells them for $250. She was unimpressed. Right across the street, best-buy was selling it for $279. If I was a little less honest, I'd have told the lady that I forgot my receipt (they'll take it anyway) and returned a couple dozen of them... -scooby111 A lot of the stores in my area now only give store credit for returns...even WITH a reciept. Too many people were bilking them, I guess. -halfstarfish Anyone ever try shoving a security tag into the sensor? A buddy of mine actually stuck two security tags together, then when security wasn't looking, peeled the two halves of the sensor's case apart and shoved the tag into it. Of course the security system didn't shit all over itself when he did, they ended up having to shut it down and take it apart to find the problem. -AgentV3 "bites of donut lodged in his cheek for later storage" <ROFLMAO!> -concept14 Thanks for sharing this wonderful tale as only you could tell it, this was another classic. ROTFLMMFAO -THETECHFROMHELL He's right about the bringing in merchandise: shoplifters often "return" stolen merchandise for a store credit or, if they're lucky, a cash refund. -thx1138 Heh... -rockytech I too want to know what happened on the way out. At a previous job, I had a similar problem with my security card. I eventually started leaving it in the car. -kman52000 ExGF of mine was visiting her relatives in Berlin and bought a skirt in the Marks & Spensers there when she got back to the UK she returned it to the local M & S . it rang up the amount she paid in DM as £s. Check the exchange rate if you dont realise why she was one happy shopper. -Zoomer Dude! You should have kicked that security guard's ass! -TheCoyoteFan

52. Coyote...private dick... The stench of stupidity wafted through my office threatening to cut short my afternoon nap faster than Jack-the-Ripper in a dark alley. Still leaning back in my chair, I lifted the brow of my dime store fedora and slowly cracked an alcohol stung eye at the lumpy sack of bones that stood impatiently in my doorway. “Did you reset my password?” The walking donut collection asked in tones usually meant for tom cats advertising. I didn’t respond as I spun a bloodshot orb in his general direction. He took up most of the doorway so I didn’t have to be accurate. The gin soaked cobwebs dancing across my brainpan tried to dig up any facts that I had on the dirt this Little Debbie’s addict was trying to pin on me. All of the cases I’d been assigned, and all of the scum I’ve dealt with hit me like a shot of cheap tequila, but this walking jellyroll wasn’t playing Quasimodo with my bells so I let him know it. ”I’m clean flatfoot, go dance yer beat.” I growled as I turned back to my bottle of liquid comfort. He had nothing on me, and I wasn’t on duty. “Huh?” He quipped with the kind of eloquence usually reserved for scholars. “Damn it Coyote, are you doing that stupid detective game again?” Usually I like wine, but his particular brand of it was giving me a hangover so I decided that he needed an invitation to leave, but hey, I’m a nice guy, no one should have to leave alone. I set him packing with a couple of old friends. The kind fired from a .38. “OW! God damn it! Carl said you weren’t supposed to bring that stupid rubber band gun to WORK anymore!” Not too many people give you lip after you’ve filled them enough lead that their blood could be used as paint, but this lump of cookie dough took it without flinching and was asking for more. Not too many people can waltz with Betty Sue twice and still have enough energy to ask about my dance card, so I decided to play it smart. I stood slowly, my blood and bourbon stained eyes never leaving his. “Okay Nancy, why don’t you and I take shoemaker’s dream over to the scene of this little opera and see if I can find out why the fat lady ain’t singing.” I moved his way, nudging him towards the door. With a roll of his eyes the breathing pork stain sighed like someone sucker punched him and started to waddle over to his desk. As we took the shoe leather express to moron town, we passed one of his gravy filled lackeys who threw a luke warm hello in my face like a cup of forgotten bean juice. “Don’t bother talking to him Ed, “ my fry gobbling tour guide whined, waving off the walking wall of muscle. “He’s doing that stupid gumshoe thing again.” Three hundred pounds of stupid stepped out of my way as I threw a bleary glance at the scene before me. Captain TwinkieFingers slapped ineptly at his keyboard and threw me a suspicious glance. “See? Invalid password. Are you SURE you didn’t change it?” he asked again as I watched his handy work. But the answer was staring him the face like the countless hamburgers he had absorbed for lunch. With a finger I usually reserve for witty gestures I slapped down his CapsLock key and order the monkey to try his dance again. “OH!” He exclaimed, a dim light shinning in his pudgy little eyes. I didn’t stick around to listen to his rehearsed speeches as I pushed past his knuckle jockey. The name’s Coyote. Computer tech. “Jesus..he is SO weird.” The mensa machine grumbled as I moved back into the night… [By: The Coyote] Comment on Story Comments It's better that people wonder why you're weird than it is that they understand you. You are truly the master. I love it! -teivrann excellent story, would have had me on the edge of my seat... if i wasn't leaning back laughing so hard -razmann Seems like a sane reaction to the lunacy of a work place. -Year9595 "“Huh?” He quipped with the kind of eloquence usually reserved for scholars. " LMAO! oh YES! , we'll have that one. -Digital Dogcow LOL! Coyote, go write a book! You'll sell the first printing on the techies here alone! :D Fabulous! -halfstarfish Oh... too good, too good. -QuinTech I imagine there's a few pulp editors developing high RPMs in their graves, right about now. Good job! -Grue ROTFFLMAO! Nice one, Coyote! LISTEN UP, KIDS! See, most people will submit a "password reset-caps lock on" story as newbies, but then make it boring. We've heard it all before! Make it original, and you'll get respect! :) -snowcrash Kerrist I enjoyed that, Coyote. Classic style, hysterical and a joy to read. -Gromit I'm with 'crash - you made a capslock story not only interesting, but hilarious and well worth the read. I am humbled. Favourite line: "shoe leather express to moron town." -namor "Captain TwinkieFingers" - BWAHAAHAAHAAHAA!!! -PTSTech "Little Debbie's addict" HAHAHAHA! priceless! :D -rokitt You mean that Coyote's eyes *aren't* "bourbon and blood stained" normally???? -Ulfgaard Classic!! Next time I will not read it when I am on the phone with a customer. -rockytech So real I could see Bogey in the background. -K1W1 LOLOLOLOL! That was the funniest damn thing I've read in a long time. I got tears rolling from that. Thanks, you rock! -phsspok You are weird! But that's why we love you! -TheCoyoteFan