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Here is all the content that SwedishChef has contributed
to Tech Support Comedy. Tech Stories
1.
Death Spiral of a Manager, P.3 (long)
Or How to do an RFP!
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! Tis I, SwedishChef, back with a newly enlarged butt (many thanks to the anonymous benefactor!), and with much good food and even a new story to tell!
Tonight's fare will feature many Portuguese delights, including Sopa de Alfacinha,Bola ou Folar de Presunto e Linguiça, Entrecoste Grelhada a Moda de Padre João, Grilled Shrimp Piri Piri, Pork Tenderloin with Pomegrante Sauce, Fruit Salad with Sweet Madeira Wine and Bolo de Cereveja (Beer Cake). To drink will be a fine selection of Portuguese wines and European beers. So sit back and enjoy!
For those of you who may not remember, or have read, the previous two stories, they can be found on my archives here: SwedishChef Archives
By now, our villianous Manager has managed to annoy and alienate most of the other people in the company. This is not a large company, but this was none the less a very large feat, as most of us sort of feel like family. Sure, we have our spats, but we forgive and forget. Not so with Manager. Any slight was catalogued and filed away to be used against you at a future time and place of his choosing. And the snowstorm e-mail incident was one of those. Thankfully, the incident did not impact upon our hero in any way, with the exception of the fact that I was witness to it.
A bit of background - our company specializes in sales and repairs of computer systems. Many of our clients are local private schools, where Daddy and Mommy Dearest pay ridiculous amounts of money to send darling little Johnnie and Janie. Johnnie and Janie also are required to purchase a school laptop, which they diligently set about destroying in the most creative of ways. Manager was tasked with creating an RFP for a school that we were trying to land new business with.
To his credit, Manager did approach $SalesManager to ask for some input on just how exactly he was do create said RFP, having never done one in his life. $SalesManager gave him some pointers and a copy of an RFP that he had used successfully many times in the past. Said RFP was pretty straight forward: we will provide X laptops for $Y amount by Z date. Included in the cost is the option to have our company image all laptops, as well as to help the purchasing company with creating said image, if necessary. In addition, our company will provide an onsite tech X number of days a week to assess damaged or faulty laptops, order parts as appropriate and repair said units upon receipt of parts from $Manufacturer. (This is where we make the most money - the warranty payments from the manufacturer that we receive for each repair we do).
Now, I know many of you will look at that and say to yourselves, "Self, depending on the numbers, that looks like a pretty solid deal. If this were my company, I would be crunching the numbers and seeing if anyone else can do better. If not, these guys get the job!"
Alas, if Manager saw things that way, I would not have a story!
Manager took the opportunity to spend the next week working on this RFP. When he wasn't perusing the World of Warcraft forums, or watching videos on VideoSift and YouTube, that is. And during this week, he managed to take a 6 page RFP template and turn it into a 40 page document that would make the sharpest of legalese lawyers salivate. For, you see, he had not only filled in the pertinent information listed above, but had created a detail listing of just what exactly our company could not do for the client! That's right! THIRTY FOUR PAGES of "Our company can not provide warranty work for $vendor, or $vendor2 or even $vendor3. Our company can do non-warranty work for those $vendors. Our company can do warranty work for $vendor4, but only for models $L, $M, $N and $O, and not for models......etc, etc, etc. Ad nauseum.
But, it gets better. For Manager, having now completed (in his mind), his Magnum Opus of an RFP, presented it to $SalesManager. Who promptly told him to remove all the crap about what we could and could not do and to just leave the basic information that was required to win the RFP. Well, Manager was not to be denied his crowning moment! Nay, he was going to show $SalesManager just how damned good he was! And off to the $Owner's office he went with his Tome of Glory!
Only to be shot down once again. Politely, but none the less shot down. Enter $SalesManager, and a discussion ensues. Actually, discussion is too mild. For Manager, when he felt he was right, would dig his heels in harder than a Texas Mule and not budge from his point of view. To the point that TWO HOURS LATER, he stormed out of the $Owner's office, with this parting shot: "Fine! I will change the fucking thing! We won't win the fucking deal, though, if we aren't totally honest with the client! You two don't know what the fuck you're doing!
Yes, dear readers, he said all that. I was witness to it. He told two people, with a combined sales experience of over 50 years, that he knew better than they did on his first attempt at an RFP. And one of those people was the person who cuts his checks.
His exit from the company was not long after that.
And thus, dear readers, do you now know where my tagline comes from.
[By: SwedishChef]
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*applause* A quite entertaining return, indeed! - Grue
There are V-E-R-Y few things more satisfying than a self-delivered LART. -Wraith556
You know that was silly. If you can't warranty repair the stuff you sell, just sub it out to someone who can. Q.E.D. You still get the sale, the goodwill of the customer, and the non-warranty repairs for all the machines that the children trash. (and or unit replacement sales) -McSmiley
Epic! Great story, Chef. -PTSTech
Manager EPIC Fail! creativity points for the massive self Lart, Karma a bitch thought! Good to have ya back Chef! we miss your well crafted masterpeices!( anyone want the rest of this plate? I'm going to eat it.. can't let this beer go to waste either..) BRAVO! -Harm
Final LART would be if you got the contract based on the "not going to work" RFP! -Captain Trips
Trips - we did get the contract. On the RFP that was suggested by $Owner and $SalesManager. The bloated RFP never went out the door. -SwedishChef
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2.
Christmas Geek Cool
Offsite Link
Definitely a Geeky Christmas!
[By: SwedishChef]
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Linky no worky. http://www.break.com/index/synchronized-robot-christmas-dance.html -SwedishChef
And Thanksgiving isn't even here yet! -Stryker One
If you had your own personal army of ten robots, what would you do? Why, make them dance to a Christmas tune, or course. -MisterCommon
Me want! -BarmanVarn
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3.
Of Pranks and Revenge!
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! Tis I, the wonderful and witty SwedishChef, here to charm and delight you with yet another exciting tale of wit and wiles! Today's feast features delectables from Jolly Old England! We'll be featuring Beef Wellington, London Broil, Toad in the Hole, Shepherds Pie and, of course, Fish and Chips! As this will be a Pub Style serving, we'll also be providing a grand selection of ales, lagers, stouts, meads and beers from all over the U.K.!
Today's story is in honour of a great prank pulled yesterday, and revenge today!
To begin, our hero must admit to being pranked on April Fool's Day. Yes, dear reader, it is true. Even the best of us can be caught by a well planned and perpetrated jest.
Yesterday began with our hero busily checking the tech websites for signs of Conficker activity. Thankfully, there was none. But during his perusal, the Chef did overhear parts of conversations with his manager and others. Nothing particularly special, just little snippets. But, enough to know that something was afoot. So, he queried $GoodManager about the situation, and was informed that he would find out in due time.
Taking a stroll by $GM's desk, our hero notices that it is clean. Really clean. As in the only thing on the desk was the computer and peripherals. Everything else, including all the documents pinned to the cube wall, are gone. Shortly thereafter, he receives a text from the $GM that $GM is leaving the company!
Completely forgetting what day it is, our hero falls for the story, hook, line and sinker! Several texts go back and forth and some “details” are revealed. Just enough truth to make it plausible. That is, up until $GM comes by to present our hero with his “new card” from the “new company” so that they can stay in touch. It was one of the current company's business cards with “April Fools!” written on the back. Oh the shame and embarrassment for our hero to have been gotten so simply and easily!
Our hero, however, was not to be outdone! No sir, good reader! Thus, did $GM learn the joys of …. Group Policy Editor! [insert evil laugh]
Our hero, the ever gallant SwedishChef, is the de facto Network Administrator for the company. So, with a little trial and error, our hero did configure a GPO specifically for $GM's domain account. And this policy did the following:
Disabled access to Active Desktop
Disabled access to Display in the Control Panel
Removed all icons from the desktop
Removed the Run option from the Start Menu
Removed the Shut Down and Log Off options from the Start Menu
Disabled the Right Click Menu
Removed access to the Task Manager
Disabled and Removed access to the ScreenSaver
And finally, set $GM's background to the following image: http://incogman.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/gay-pride-parade.jpg [warning, may not be safe for work, or for your brain! - ed]
One quick remote forced reboot, and all was set. And there was much wailing and consternation and gnashing of teeth from the $GM's cube when he returned from a client site. And there was much mirth and laughter in the tech room!
And thus we learn, gentle readers, that although you may fool the Chef, his revenge will be cold and devious! It took two hours for $GM to figure out how to get his icons and start menu back to normal, and to partially obscure the background image (he couldn't remove it yet). Tomorrow, he gets to learn the joy of how his work can be undone by someone with VPN access! [insert more evil laughter]
[By: SwedishChef]
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OMG... I need a double dose of brain bleach for that pic! YESTERDAY! -Torinir
Wow...My company let go our CFO on 4/1...no Aprils Fools for him. -Griffin2020
Technical note - insert [pause to increase impact] after the ellipses in the sentence with [evil laugh]. -TieDyedDinosaur
"London Broil"??? I suppose this is another North American thing that us Brits don't actually have, in a similar way that "London Fog" coats don't exist here, either. -lineswine
Toad in the... No, I don't think I want to know. -SirJosh
Toad in the hole == Eggs in a basket. Needs a dense bread to make properly. -PolarCoyote
LS, there's more than one city named London these days. -Tekkie
Toad in the hole = sausages in batter. :-) http://www.deliaonline.com/recipes/toad-in-the-hole-with-roasted-onion-gravy,1030,RC.html -Watfordian
"delectables from Jolly Old England"? Ha! That's the best line of the whole story! -Stryker One
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4.
Death Spiral of a Manager, p.2 (Long!)
Death Spiral of a Manager, Part Deux
Or, The Great Snow Storm Debate!
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! To celebrate spring, we shall be having an early barbecue! Granted, we can't all sit outdoors to enjoy it, but I shall bring the food inside the LART Shelter where we can enjoy it whilst playing various networked video games. To keep things simply, we shall enjoy a variety of beef, chicken, turkey and veggie burgers and hot dogs, as well as various brewed beverages.
As some of you may remember, I have recently posted about a Manager whose only real accomplishment in that role was to manage to annoy the hell out of everyone in the office. Flash back to February of 2008, late in the month. The Greater Toronto Area was under the threat of a ”Major Snow Storm!” according to the weather bureau. So great was this apparent storm that Manager informed us the day before that we were to contact him in the morning to see if the company would be open the next day or not.
Now, as was the wont that past winter, the storm was no where near as bad as advertised. Sure, it deposited some 10-15cm (6-8 inches for our less educated American Cousins [I kid! I kid!]) of fluffy white snow during the early morning, but it wasn't anything spectacular, as many natives of Snow Belt Areas will attest to (yes, I'm talking about Ottawa and Edmonton and Minneapolis and Chicago, etc, etc). None-the-less, as it was a Friday morning, we awaited a message from the Manager to see what was up. Not expecting much, though, our hero had already showered and gotten dressed in his work clothes and turned on his CrackBerry.
Lo and behold did the first electronic missive from the Manager arrived, copied to all. It's entirety was encapsulated in the subject line: “?? whos going in!!!”. Yes, as is quite evident from the preceding quote, neither spelling nor punctuation were strong points for Manager. This electronic missive was immediately followed by another with the subject of “Clarification” and the message body of “Im not saying not to go in. Im just asking who will be there.....”
Well, not one to let a bad Manager get away with garbage like this, our hero sprung into action and typed a response on his CrackBerry: “What's your call? Are you going in? The news appears to be telling everyone to stay home. My street looks pretty bad already.”. To which Manager replied “I dont think im going in but havent heard bck from everyon yet...I have exams i can do from home but not 100% what im doing yet..i have 10 mins still.”
I shan't burden your brains with more bad spelling and worse punctuation. Suffice to say that several electronic missives were bandied back and forth, mainly between myself and Manager, but with a few sprinkled in from the other techs (all of whom were cc'd on all the emails), basically calling for the Manager to make up his mind as to whether or not we were expected to go in. Manager vacillated in many ways, stating in one message that he wasn't going, but we were to decide on our own, followed by him claiming that he couldn't reach the Owner to hear a decision from him, so therefore those of us who felt we could get in safely should go.
At one point Manager emailed just our hero and basically tried to “bribe” him by stating: “I anyone you and I should probably stay home...but I can say for everyone at this point.” [roughly translated “If anyone, you and I should probably stay home, but I can't speak for everyone at this point.” - Ed]
Several more emails later and another worker has called Manager on his waffling, and our hero has agreed with his co-worker. This resulted in the following response from Manager: “You are all adults not Children. You have the capability to Decide. the same reason you dont want to decide is the same reason I cannot tell you all to stay home at the moment. Guys work with me....”. To this day, our hero still is not certain what Manager meant by the second last sentence. This was followed shortly thereafter by: “C is at the office. $COMPANY IS OPEN until I hear from Owner. You all are responsible adults and dont need ME to think for you. You do it all the time. Im waiting for C to get me Owners [home] number. I dont think its also unreasonable for you to be in my shoes where I have little to no information form Owner. Im waiting to talk to Owner shortly and will repond then.
SwedishChef an Fozzy, $FormerCompany never called everyone on snow days, so what did yo udo then. You decided yourself didnt you. So this is the same situation I need approval from Owner to keep you home.
Unfortunatly I dont have his Home number but only his Cell and he hasnt called back. Sit tight for a few.”
As it is now quite evident, Manager is rather perturbed at having forced himself into the envious position of having to make a Management Decision. And being the right bastard that he sometimes is, our hero responded thusly: “We have had 3 previous heavy snows this winter. All three landed on days that I was supposed to go to $DistantClient. I contacted you about the first two, and you made the decision then that I should go to $DistantClient. On the third, $DistantClient contacted me and told me not to bother.
”As for $FormerCompany, they would set up a weather line that you were supposed to call into to find out if they were open or not.
”As a manager, it is up to you to make the decision when it is a really bad day. Granted, you need to hear from Owner, but we need to hear from you. That's the job description for management.
”Telling us in one email that its not safe and that you're not going in, and then telling us its up to us is not good management. A manager needs to lead by example. If you say its not safe for you, then its not safe for any of us. If its safe for us, then its safe for you.
”Calling us children shows a complete lack of respect for your staff, and in turn creates a lack of respect for you from your staff.” Of course, this email was also copied to the Owner (with the complete trail leading up to it). Our hero received one last email from Manager, directed only to him, threatening his job. This was forwarded directly to Owner, with a statement from our hero that he did not appreciate working in such a poisoned environment.
Later that morning, Manager was called into the Office of the Owner for the first (of what would turn out to be MANY) meetings to discuss his lack of Management and People Skills.
And thus we learn, dear readers, that the old adage “People are promoted to their level of incompetence” is sometimes true. We also learn that if you do become a manager, do not say one thing and then put several conflicting items into email and copy them to everyone on the team. If you do, expect that someone is going to call you on your crap.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Masterfully played, Mr. Bond! -Torinir
It also goes to prove that you should NEVER email anything you don't want your supervisors to see! <wipes burger grease off his face, belching with satisfaction> Thanks for the awesome story and snack! Got any more beer? :) -Ulfgaard
Ol' "Waffle Whiffer" needs to go work for the guv'ment....:-| -vacuumtubes
Bitchslap! Nicely done, SwedishChef, and thanks for the tale. -Seamus
8"? What a pussy. Until my bumper turns into a snow plow, I'm drivin'. Even with the frustration of a doubled (or even tripled) commute time. -Stryker One
Indeed an excellent example of "The Peter Principle." BTW, Chef, you are an excellent cook but you need to check your math. 10-15 cm isn't 6-8 inches, but 4-6 inches. (At 2.54 cm to the inch, we can approximate 4 inches to 10 cm. For small measures, it's accurate enough. This would give us 40 inches to the meter, when it is really 39.37. Close enough for day-to-day estimates.) -Captain Trips
Now, how many meters to the lart shelter? -Captain Trips
"Lesser educated????" See here, young whippersnapper! Which takes more brains to remember? 1000 mm = 100 centimeters = 10 decimeters = 1 meter? Or 36 inches = 3 feet = 1 yard? All you *educated* Northeners have to do is drop a frakkin' zero. The *REAL* math is here in the States, the last remaining measurement nonconformist on the planet. Mostly because Steven Tyler would sound like a complete idiot if he sang, "Whip out my big 25.4 centimeter..." -RiffRaff
So how many bushels to the hectare is that again? -Darkridr
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5.
Death Spiral of a Manager
Or, How to Lose Friends and Piss off Co-Workers in Several Easy Steps.
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! Tis I, SwedishChef, here to regale you with yet another tale of asinine behaviour. This is one of several tales revolving around how a former Manager managed to alienate his friends and co-workers. Tonight's feast will feature many delicacies from Hawaii, including Ahi Poke, Shrimp Ono Nui, Polynesian Chicken, Macadamia Nut Hummus, Taro Rolls and Papaya Bread and a lovely fruit and chocolate bar to finish it off. Once again Thuckrates will be assisting behind the bar (he's such a damned fine gentleman!) and will be featuring Mai Tais, Pina Coladas and several smoothies.
This story occurred in mid-2007. At the time, said Manager had decided that the current means of distributing the quarterly bonus to the staff was not working. Mind you, no one on the staff had complained. We were all quite happy to receive our bonus when it was delivered to us. (A bit of background – we do warranty repairs for several computer manufacturers. If you manage to meet their artificial matrices of numbers, they pay your company a bonus. In turn, the owner paid us a percentage based on our performance. i.e. - if we do well enough to earn a 20% bonus from Lenovo, we the workers are entitled to 20% of that bonus. All in all, it works out to a few hundred dollars every few months. Ed.)
Manager had decided that some people (i.e. on person he didn't like and constantly fought with) didn't deserve a full share of the bonus, so decided to come up with an artificial matrix of his own in which to dock bonus pay from said worker (no, not our hero, someone else in the company.) And thus was the Great Time Sheet Scandal born.
It was decided, with no input from anyone else, that all would have to track their daily work on Time Sheets, which were to be handed into Manager at the end of each work day. Manager decreed that this proclamation came from Owner, and was thus Gospel. The rest of us poor schleps looked at each other and replied, “We have enough work to do without trying to track it all on a spreadsheet. This is busy work!”. There was much consternation from the workers, but Manager insisted it be done. So, as many good workers do, we took it in stride and promptly ignored the decree. And all was content for two weeks.
Sadly, Manager had a long memory. An angry electronic missive was dispatched, and the contents can be summarized thusly: “If you don't start handing in these Time Sheets, I shall report your naughty behaviour to Owner and none shall receive their bonuses!”. Little did we know, at the time, that Owner knew nothing of this at all!
By this point in time, our Hero, yours truly, had already had several run ins with Manager and his anal policies. So, to make his point well known, our hero turned in three days worth of Time Sheets that had a morning block of 3.5 hours that simply stated “Repairs”, a lunch block of .5 hours that simply said “Lunch” and an afternoon block of 4 hours that simply stated “Repairs”. He also encouraged all the other players to submit the same form, which they did. This did not impress Manager. In fact, another electronic missive was issued, stating: “If the Time Sheets are not properly broken down into details, bonuses shall be revoked!”.
Now, by this time, everyone was pissed off. Manager was well known to be the biggest time waster (and therefore, the least deserving of a bonus) in the company. Not a day went by without him regaling to everyone, at some point or another during the day, about how his various World of Warcraft characters were leveling, or what raid they had been on, or what other character had annoyed him the night before. Many minutes were spent perusing WoW forums, or VideoSift, and many a worker was called away from their task to view the latest video to amuse Manager.
So, what is our hero to do? How can he make his point that the Time Sheet is a humongous waste of everyone's time? Simple. He details every last detail in an Excel Spreadsheet. Down to the minute. A typical day would look something like this:
9:01-9:07 – Read emails from previous night.
9:07-9:09 – chatted with co-worker X about a repair.
9:09-9:42 – Listened to Manager talk about WoW character after he arrived late.
13:02-13:13 – Watched video of mating spiders, as per Manager's request, and discussed disgusting nature of eating one's mate after copulation.
14:22-14:23 – Bathroom break.
15:22-15:52 – Viewed World of Warcraft video mashup to the comedy tune of “The Internet is for Porn!” at Manager's request. Viewed alternate versions to compare and contrast, as per Manager.
You get the idea. At the end of the day, our hero's spreadsheet was in the neighbourhood of 120-140 rows long, with approximately 50% detailing how the Manager interrupted him with inane crap. And since the Owner supposedly wanted to see how efficient the department was, one Friday he was “accidentally” CC'd on the email to Manager.
The following Monday, the Time Sheets were no longer required and bonuses were no longer being threatened.
And so, dear readers, we learn that not all people are cut out to be Managers. I have many more stories concerning this individual, and I will attempt to recall them from my blocked memories in the near future. After all, one's lost sanity is another's comedy!
[By: SwedishChef]
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'Chef! Good to see one of your excellently written narratives again. Looks like this could be the first of a long series. Thuckrutes! a large Glenfiddich please (none of this disgusting polynesian crap, thanks) while I await the next instalment. -Gromit
<critic review> Our laureate SwedishChef returns with not only a masterful narrative, but with an equally masterful LART. A must-read that can be enjoyed not only by his faithful fans, but for new arrivals as well. Two thumbs up! </critic review> -TheGhost
And a reminder to all middle manager n00bs: When invoking the name of a higher power, make sure the higher power is aware AND on your side. -Mushroom
OMG, this is the personality twin to my current boss! -redfaery
That was epic. Very nicely done, Chef! -Seamus
I'm a manager, and I thought that was brilliant. I make my workers submit timesheets, but it takes them 5 minutes or less, and if I want detail I go ask for it. No need to be a dick about it, even if it means someone that annoys me gets a bonus. -ActingUpAgain
A stein of milk I drink in your honor...uh oh...I forgot...I'm intolerant...excuse me..... -Biosynthetic
The admin witches at $hitty programming limited tried this once. They wanted to know what I did all day and wanted a timesheet in 5 minute blocks and detailed entries for each block. Knowing how petty they were, I gave them what they wanted. To the point where I would log every phone call, email, which customer's request I was working on, and filling out the timesheet. Usually it was 5 minutes of action, and 10 minutes filling out the timesheet. My manager heard me typing while he called me. He told me when I sent the timesheet to the admin staff to BCC him and HR. The next morning I could hear a speakerphone conference call through several walls to the branch manager and my division head in the next office about the monumental waste of time and disruption caused by the timesheet requirement and the matter to be dropped immediately. The response from the admin staff (who spent most of the day drinking coffee and gossiping) was "We needed to know". -Wraith556
Had a mandate to do time sheet in 15 minute increments. After a review where my failing to comply well with the timesheets gave me bad marks, I started to waste time with them. Months latter I found a large box of our time sheets. They were being stored, and only looked at to see if we were filling them out. After that, I simplied copied the same sheet and changed the date. But to make sure things were even, I took a half hour to make the copy that normaly was spent filling it out. -Year9595
At it again, Chef ? http://www.threadbombing.com/data/media/3/376177887_1134834.gif -Necros
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6.
You've met Kenny. Now meet Spenny!
Greetings all! Gather round, gather round! Tonight's feast shall be a light-hearted buffet, as my tale is short. We shall have a fine selection of the best deli meats from around the world, along with the ripest of vegetables for toppings and salads, fresh from the oven breads and buns and the best ales and beers from Europe and North America! So sit back and enjoy!
I shall introduce you to Spenny. Many of you know of Kenny from past tales. Spenny is his even dopier inbred cousin. Spenny began working at our company 2 years ago. He was hired as a tech, but his true job must have been salesman, as he certainly sold the boss of bill of goods concerning his "tech skills". To put it bluntly: Spenny couldn't figure out how to remove a screw with detailed instructions, two helpers and a power screwdriver that only turned the one way. But he could talk. And talk. And talk. I honestly think that's how he survived in life. He simply talked until someone gave up and gave him whatever he wanted.
On to the story.
Spenny was a pleasant chap his first week. Had some funny stories and seemed to listen when instructed on what to do. He just never managed to find time to do anything. During the second week of employ, one conversation got onto the subject of weird things seen on the innerwebs. Our hero, being the sneaky bugger that he is, casually mentioned goatse.cx to Spenny, and was astounded to find out that Spenny had never heard of said site! Needless to say, there was much googling done at our hero's urging, and amusement was had all around.
Except with Spenny. Spenny seemed a little green around the gills after observing the cached image on his screen. He began to speak of feeling ill and having difficulty removing said image from his mind’s eye. Never one to pass up an opportunity for more fun, our hero offered to help him cleanse his brain with a more "wholesome" image . To be honest, the good Chef really didn't believe the whole act. And so Spenny was directed to search for TubGirl. Again, our hero was flabbergasted to learn that Spenny had never heard of said site! So, with gleeful abandon and much misunderstanding, Spenny began to search for a Girl in a Tub.
Well!
Poor Spenny. He went from a little green around the gills to downright Chartreuse, with Asparagus thrown in for contrast! He had to leave the office for a breath of fresh air! For 10 whole minutes! The poor bugger was not able to complete a task for the rest of the day!
Now, before the good readership pillories our hero for being a right bastard (which he does not deny!), read on and learn the rest of the story!
The next day Spenny arrived late. His reason for being late was that his right hand was swollen to almost uselessness and that made it difficult to drive. In Spenny's defense, his hand was quite obviously swollen. Since our hero was the only other person in the shop at the time, he questioned Spenny extensively about the damage to his hand. And here is Spenny's reply:
"Last night my sister-in-law was over to visit. So I thought it would be funny to show my wife and my sister-in-law those two sites! But I got so dizzy that I tripped over the power cord and hit the wall with my hand as I fell and now it’s all swollen."
Judging by the various looks of stunned disbelief it seems that the audience is as dumb-founded as our hero was that day.
On a side note, our hero did convince Spenny to go to the hospital and get his hand checked out. Nothing broken, but they did give him some good pain killers and a tensor wrap and sent him home. And thus was the second (of many!) days that Spenny was unable to complete any work.
[By: SwedishChef]
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So, 2G1C should just about kill the bastard. -Stryker One
"Spenny got a little overexcited last night." -stiffarm
To the tune of the Red Robin Jingle:
"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck-Nugget! Yommmmmmmmmmm!!" -vacuumtubes
I would google for those sites, but I'm not sure i want to.... Shudders. -AdmiralLaurie
Best description of uselessness or stupidity I've seen is "Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions written on the heel!", the ones who don't understand that description are most likely to fit it. -AussieFoot
AL- Google it, but then grab the Wikipedia page describing the site. (From the book of "There's More than One Way to Skin A Cat".) I shouldn't say that too publicly, some 'nugget will have a site out there actually doing it! -Voz
AdmiralLaurie: I wouldn't dare even look up a description of those images. Even the gentlest explanations would scar a person for life. And if you had it read aloud with JAWS or similar, if they sound like any other text-to-speech I've used, it would be even more disturbing. -linuxmatt
Nice Butt there Chef! Glad to see you got it back :) -evolvedstarfish
The stupid bugger forgot to change hands at 99. ;-) -Gromit
If his *hand* was that swollen, how was he able to walk? -Robster2001
I would've assumed that a picture of tubgirl and a fwapping noise was the cause of the swollen hand... -Spyder19
WHAT?! You didn't meatspin.com the sucker?! -unrenowned
http://www.leekspin.com/ > meatspin (link is SFW, but - unusual) -veaudaux
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9.
You mean that's *not* a computer term?!?
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round. In honour of the passing of "The Crocodile Hunter", Steve Irwin, we will be dining on the beach by the fire. Included in our delicacies will be crab legs, lobster, sea bass, salmon, tuna and sting ray steaks. Many Australian ales and beers will be available, including Fosters, for the American readers who can't handle real beer. Tonight's story features an apparently obscure term, so feel free to look it up on dictionary.com if you feel it necessary.
Our hero was at work the other day and began repairing a laptop that had been dropped in for service two days prior. During the repair, it was discovered that a sugary liquid had been introduced into the laptop via the keyboard/touchpad. As this had been missed during the initial diagnostics, it would require extra parts to be ordered, delaying the repair.
Seeing as how the parent had already called once checking on the status, and requesting a "rush" as her daughter needed it for school the next week, our diligent repair tech ordered the parts and then called the provided number and left a message requesting someone call him back so that he could explain the delay. A few hours later, Mommy called back. This is the ensuing conversation, word for word.
"Hi, this is Mommy calling. You left a message about my daughter's laptop?", she spoke.
"Greetings, Mommy. This is SwedishChef. I did leave a message. During the repair of your daughter's laptop, I discovered that something had been spilled on the laptop keyboard, and then subsequently cleaned up from the surface. We missed it because of this, and have now ordered two additional parts. There will be a delay of one day before you can come pick up the laptop.", spoke our hero.
"A spill? What do you mean?", she queried.
"Someone spilled some pop or juice or some similar liquid on the laptop. Not a lot, but enough that it has begun oxidizing circuitry.", responded the good Chef.
"Oh! That kind of spill! I thought you were using some sort of computer term!", she proclaimed, with much relief.
For the second time in recent memory, our hero was left speechless.
Honestly, folks, I can't make this up. "Spill" is now a computer term? Sheesh! And, for those new to the boards or not keeping score, you'll have to read this story: http://tinyurl.com/42rhy to see the last time I was left speechless. I honestly think that stupidity has now passed hydrogen as the most common element in the universe. Especially in our little corner of it.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Comments
... -Bobsentme
a) I thought it was nitrogen. b) Ever heard of a stack overflow? :-D -Mushroom
well. just when you think it cant get much stupider. -timelady
Mushroom: Nope, it's definitely hydrogen. http://tinyurl.com/n48db -Veinor
Well, you did say the laptop "had been dropped in for service"...that could imply a spill! *I'm off to the LART shelter now...* -redevil34
Starfish Propogated Incidental Liquid Liability. Sheesh. Do I have to expain EVERYTHING? -MacDaddy
Was the spill in the flux capacitor? -unrunt
It's spelt, "VIOLI---"... Oh, wait. We're not talking about that anymore, are we? -ShujinTribble
Naw, that's "Substance Projection on Electronics: Liquid"; SPE-L, pronounced "SPEEL", as in "Ah speeled somethin' on my 'putah!" -Voz
Fosters? The beer that is so bad that all of it is exported. Add some VB (Victoria Bitter) and Toohey's Old and more Aussies will come to the party. -Wraith556
Well, if you had said "dumped" in the computer, I could see the confusion. Data dump, soda spill, cache flush, we have all sorts of technical terms, no? Oh, and ST -- it's "VOIL--" wait a minute, you're right -- that was a different thread! -Captain Trips
I've spoken to several Australians (we have an office in Sydney and I've met several casually here in town). The ones in OZ had ever heard of Foster's, and the ones here only heard about it after they moved here. One theorized that they keep the good stuff and export the crap to the U.S. -Antacid
In an industry that has "Pipeline Burst" and memory "leaks", I wouldn't be surprised if someone adopted "spill" as tech jargon. -Antacid
Ah yes... Fosters - the Australian for piss. -Gromit
In the mainframe world, we have "spill volumes"... used as 'overflow' when a primary volume is full and the data needs to 'spill over'. My take on this... EVERYTHING is a techie term! -gemachte
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10.
A Lesson in Call Control
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! Tis I, the recently quiet SwedishChef here to entertain you with another tale of silliness! In celebration of the
end of a two-week heat wave here in the Great (Not-so) White North we shall be enjoying a sumptuous barbeque, featuring spareribs, chicken breasts, hamburgers, sausages, hotdogs, steaks, pork chops and grilled vegetables. Vegan formats of the meats will be available for the non-carnivores. And to quench our palates, the finest selection of beers and ales from around the world will be available for everyone to sample. So, pull up a lawn chair, grab a plate, mug and napkins and enjoy the night!
Our tale of woe begins several weeks ago. A rather nice customer purchased a large amount of new computer equipment from the Chefs company. Laptop, iPaq, wireless printer, wireless router, and several other items, including 2 hours of service time to allow for set up of the whole kit and kaboodle.
Upon arriving at the clients site on the scheduled morning, our hero learned that not everything in the location was truly up to code. The small alcove that was to house the DSL modem and wireless router was in desperate need of some new electrical wiring. However, what was most dismaying to our adventurer was that the Bell technician who had set up the three phone lines (phone, fax/dsl, debit system) had somehow managed to run them all out of one line. Three separate jacks from one twisted pair. Now, the phone techs here may correct the narrator if he is mistaken, but he believes that generally only TWO lines can be made to function out of a standard phone line.
Regardless of the amount of phone lines that can be set up from standard phone cable, our hero quickly learned that there was no signal being received by the DSL modem. All three jacks were tested to ensure that there hadnt been a mistake made in the labelling, as well as two different phone cords to ensure there was no faulty cord. Finally, a call was made to Bell. A helpful phone tech did some testing and determined that the signal was not getting into the building. Our Knight of the LART questioned this, as this was supposedly tested when the service was activated a week prior. Our Knight also requested a new modem be sent out, in case the current one (which was five years old) may have become faulty as well. This, of course, was poo-pood by the phone tech who explained that the older modems were far more reliable than the current ones. Having dealt with the current ones, our Knight was disinclined to argue. Arrangements were made to have a technician come out and fix the line. This was explained to the client, as she would have to be there to let them in.
Fast forward three weeks. Bell has sent out three different technicians. The first simply checked that the signal was making it to the Telco box on the corner. The second fixed an issue and made sure that the signal made it to the box on the outside of the building. The third was competent enough to finally finish the job and make sure the signal made it to the appropriate jack. The client, now rather annoyed, finally contacted the Good Chef to have him complete the set up for her, as she had been assured that everything was in good order as far as DSL service was concerned.
Was it in good order? Was it bollocks! (thanks to CD and Gromit for this wonderful turn of phrase! ed)
Our hero arrived on the appointed day and time to configure the wireless router to communicate with the DSL modem to allow all systems in the office to connect to the internet. Of course, the very reliable older modem had had a spat with its internal LAN port and was no longer communicating to it or to any device attached to it. Including the wireless router. Once again, our hero had to contact Bell. This is where Neil enters the story.
As much as the Good Chef would like to relate the entire conversation, suffice to say that most people probably dont want to read through 20 minutes of IQ draining moron babble. So, we shall highlight:
Neil had to ask the Chef 14 times (yes, he counted! ed) to Hold please while he typed in information.
After being told, twice, what steps had been performed to determine that the LAN port was not functioning, Neil insisted on following his script and requesting that the modem be turned on and off and that the phone cord be reversed.
Neil had to verify the client address, name, phone number, etc four times.
Neil had to place Chef on hold three times in order to wrap his brain about some concept obviously not covered by the script.
Two minutes into the conversation, our hero knew he was going to have to be firm. This is where Neil learned a valuable lesson in call control. This part of the conversation is more or less verbatim, minus all the lengthy pauses for the above items.
Neil, spoke SwedishChef. I realize you have a script to follow. However, you do have the latitude to deviate from that script when necessary. Since I have now outlined to you not only the problem and the steps I took to arrive at that conclusion you should be asking me where I would like the replacement modem sent. No other questions should be necessary. However, since you seem to have difficulties with this, this is whats going to happen. You will put the following into your case notes: 1) A new modem is to be sent out to replace the old one. 2) A technician shall be dispatched with said modem to ensure that said replacement can connect properly to the Bell servers, and that the customers laptop can communicate to the general internet through it. 3) If there are any issues with the new modem or the line, the technician is to fix said problems immediately, and not foist them off onto another technician. 4) Prior to attending this location, the technician is to call the customer and make an appointment, as this is a medical practice and the client may be busy with patients unless appropriate time is set aside. 5) The technician will arrive on time for their appointment. Should any of these conditions not be met, you shall be held responsible and the account shall be terminated immediately. Are we clear on this?
After all the pauses, clarifications and what not, Neil did comply with the Chefs instructions. Hopefully, the technician did as well. As the good Chef has been on vacation, the outcome is not yet known. For the sake of the client, the good Chef hopes that there is no sequel to this story, but rather a and they lived happily ever after type of conclusion.
[By: SwedishChef]
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I WAANNNTT AAA NEEEEEEWWWWW MMMMMOOOODDDDDEEEEEEMMMMM!! *Puzzling... Where'd the LART shelter go?! ... Bollocks...* -unrenowned
*APPLAUSE* gosh we have missed your stories, bork bork bork! ps the vegan meat subsitute was yummo, ta;) -timelady
Very well handled. As for the phone lines, was this a 2 pair or 4 pair line? I ask because my last apartment had 4 pair cat 5 cabling run for phones. -Antacid
I'll go with Antacid... sort of. One of my clients has a new-ish house in the suburbs which is, in fact, wired with 3-pair from the demarc box to the (5) internal connectors. This is good, because he does happen to have three phone lines (home, office, and FAX). Oh, and by the way -- excellent BBQ. We've missed you. -chazz
<Sits back with pork chop in one hand and bottle in the other> Nish chow <chomp> Chef, and great <gulp> shtory too. You've been AWOL too long mate. Got any more burgersh? -Gromit
Speaking of BBQ and ribs and yummies... You ARE coming, right? -evolvedstarfish
Eeewwwwwwww.... DO NOT WANT! (to know) -ShujinTribble
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11.
A Statement of Facts
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! For our final bit of entertainment, I shall simply make this statement:
My fellow techs and I have determined that HP/Compaqs Commercial Technical Support hold music is Bad Swedish 70s Porn Music.
For any of you whom have been serenaded by this monstrosity, I apologize for the nightmares that you are probably now trying to suppress. For those of you whom have never heard it be thankful.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Earthlink hold music was some 45 second violin passage from a Vivaldi piece -- looped, SKIPPING. If that don't make you drop the line, nothing will.
-Mushroom
As I read this post, I am on hold with none other that HP Commercial Tech Support. How am I supposed to talk sense to the agent when I'm laughing so hard?? -karlata
Mushroom - this is worse. It's some form of muzac, with a sitar influence, and out of key. To make it worse, it's played in such a way that each note is allowed to fade before the next note is plucked. But, to really ice the cake, it sounds like a fifth generation dub. Piped through a phone system that was probably installed in the Nixon era, and you are now getting an idea of how bad it truly is. And Karlata, I happy I was able to make you laugh, but sad that you are currently on hold and experiencing this abomination. -SwedishChef
And I thought paino/string chamber music in between calls was bad... -MadJack
Actually, Piero Umilianis' catchy/annoying tune "Mah Na Mah Na" (think "The Muppets") IS from a bad Swedish porn film called "Sweden; Heaven or Hell". Although it was made in 1968, I'm pretty sure it would have been viewed (many times!) in the 1970's. -lineswine
<sings>"Mah na, Mah na. Doo DOOOO, doo-doo-doo. Mah na, Mah na. Doo doo-doo-doo. Mah na, Mah na. Doo Doo Doo-doo-doo, Doo-doo-doo, Doo-doo-doo, Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo, doo,doo-doo-doo!" >:) -rokitt
Throws some of his famous boomerang fish. -StarFishHearder
(H)ell's non-corporate support (Banglore) hold music was a badly scratched Edison Waxed Cylinder. You'd hear a few tortured notes, silence, a few more, and repeat until it loops again. The "tortured notes" were worse than fingernails scraped down a blackboard. -Wraith556
you think that's bad - you should here some of the internal hold music. Anyone remember the bugs bunny cartoon with the big hairy monster in the castle when they all float out on ether? Remember the song - some classical peice that was playing - our internal hold times are sometimes up to a half hour depending on who you are trying to get a hold of. Oh ya, and that particular tape also contains Brahams Lullaby. Pass the scotch tape and toothpicks please..... -frprinterwiz
One of the iTunes radio stations that I listen to was doing that last week. It played about 20 seconds of "Vacation", then repeated. I'm sorry to say that I wasn't paying attention, and it took me about 10 mintues to realize it was looping. It looped for 2 days before they fixed it. -docbrown01
You mean this one: http://tinyurl.com/j6ae5
-computerdoc
You mean this one: http://tinyurl.com/j6ae5
-computerdoc
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12.
Broken Telephone
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! Tis I, SwedishChef, here to continue tonights revelry! This is another fine tale from the aforementioned high school.
Our hero was busy repairing laptops in his little space. He reached over and grabbed the next part for the next repair, and realized that the student had their laptop in their possession, and therefore he must have the librarian call down to the students class and have them bring the laptop up. So, ever dutiful, he grabbed the appropriate paperwork and requested the librarian make contact with the student.
This part occurred out of earshot of our hero, but was relayed to him afterwards, so it is presented here in chronological order to better entertain the reader. ed
The wonderful Librarian picked up the telecommunications device and dialogued with the appropriate teacher, stating, Please send student X up to the library with her laptop, as the technician is here to replace it. Right away! came the cheerful response.
A moment later, the telephone in the library signalled an incoming communication, and was answered by the Librarian. Hello?
Hi, its Teacher Idiot. The student already has her laptop and doesnt understand how the technician could have fixed it for her. She thinks he may have someone elses laptop!
Umm, no. He needs her to bring the laptop up now so that he can repair it for her. He has the part, but she has the laptop. So, please have her bring her laptop up to the library.
Teacher Idiot, Oh! Okay!
Thus do we return to our hero as his point of view once again takes over. ed
Our hero is performing a repair and chatting with the software technician when there is a light tap at the door. Standing there is a young lady of roughly 15 years of age. She looks at our hero and says, I was told to come and pick up my laptop, and that it had been fixed, but I was confused because I have the laptop in my bag!
Did you not request a repair for your laptop? enquired our hero.
Yes, but its not fixed yet. She responded.
Well, that would be why you were requested to come to the library with your laptop. spoke our annoyed exemplar, practically exuding sarcasm in a solid form.
Oh. She paused and inspected her feet for a second, and then looked our champion straight in the eye and spewed forth, So, uh, should I, like, go get it or something?
Smiling like the creator of Snappy Comebacks for Stupid Questions, SwedishChef returned her vacuous gaze with a stare of intensity and retorted, Well, since I am unable to perform a repair telekinetically, I would suggest that that is the best course of action at this moment.
She stared at our paragon as a doll would stare at its own reflection. After a moment, our hero waved his hand at her to indicate that she had best be going (hoping that the dense core of vapidity wouldnt suck all of the intelligence out of him).
And thus we learn, gentle readers, a game of Broken Telephone can be successfully played between three people, especially when the combined IQ of two of the participants would not equal that of a bowl of tapioca pudding.
[By: SwedishChef]
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ouch. -Psudo36
"Mmmm....Pudding..." ;) -rokitt
That person's gonna be managing someday. Can't make sense of something repeated thrice, by the sounds. -namor
"purple monkey dishwasher!" </simpsons episode> -TechnoCat
Now, Now tapioca pudding would prove to be smarter. Don't give the student that much credit -StarFishHearder
I'm reminded of one of the castle scenes in "Holy Grail". "Stay here and make sure no one enters or leaves the room." -thx1138
I'm surprised. Why did the student's statement have only ONE unnecassary "like"? -momo
Wot, the Prince? Oh, I thought you meant _'im_! Bit daft, me havin' to guard 'im when 'e's a guard. -chazz
I OBJECT! - on behalf of the tapioca pudding members subsection of MENSA. -Gromit
She was waiting for you to teleport the laptop from where she left it! -TieDyedDinosaur
thx1138: I thought it was "Stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave." -docbrown01
DAMNIT rokitt! You stole my line! -TheMage18
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13.
A Triumphant Return!
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! Tis I, the long silent SwedishChef here to fill your bellies with a grand feast whilst regaling you with another fine tale! Tonights feast shall feature a fine selection of European delicacies, including Duck a lOrange, Koettbullar and Black Forest Cherry cake. On tap will be the finest European ales, lagers, stouts and beers. So, sit back and enjoy!
Our tale begins several months ago. It was a dark and stormy night. Wait, wrong comedy.
It was a dark and stormy day, with thunder and lightning and heavy rains. Our valiant hero was on his way to the local high school where he was to perform his twice-weekly inspection and repair of student laptops.
Upon arriving, he traveled to the library, where he was allocated his usual small office space in which to perform his miracles of resurrection. En route, he paused to chat with the librarian on duty. They remarked upon the poor state of the weather and discussed a student that had been complaining because said student had failed to perform regular backups and had lost all her data when her hard drive became a paperweight. All the while, spread throughout the library, were numerous students working diligently on desktops.
Suddenly, disaster! A particularly reverberant crash of thunder heralded a temporary loss of power throughout the building.
And was followed by an equally reverberant chorus of NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo! throughout the library as numerous students all learned at once the value of SAVING THEIR DATA!
And so we learn, gentle readers, that one should regularly save their data, lest they be laughed at by their local librarian and / or technician.
[By: SwedishChef]
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...and among the cries of woe of the students, this mexican exchange student was smiling broadly. Because, you know, Jesus saves, always. <Welcome back S.C.!> -TheGhost
"Vun more time, ...Castle" Otto Chriek -CSurfer
"On tap will be the finest European ales, lagers, stouts and beers." I'll have one of each, please. -thx1138
And about bloody time too! You've been AWOL for far too long. You never write, you never phone, not even a text message - I've been worried sick. And don't think you can get round me with offers of fine European food and wine.... waidaminnit - oh, alright then. -Gromit
You don;t bring us flowers... You don;t sing us love songs... You don;t look like Barbara Streisand.... (Ok, that last one's good.) -ShujinTribble
Mother Nature was conducting a 'pop' quiz! -TieDyedDinosaur
Adds a new meaning to "Acts of Go(r)d"! BTW, what happened to the mead? Drank it all, already? Then go to www.gotmead.com for more! -Captain Trips
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14.
Truly Stupid
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! 'Tis I, the ever-loved SwedishChef, back with another tale! My apologies for my long absence, but such is life. To make up for it, we are having a Beach Barbeque to celebrate. Clams, oysters, lobster, crab and many other delicacies from the oceans (but NO starfish!), as well as burgers and ribs and chicken for those not fond of seafood. Tonight I shall relate another tale from my former place of employ.
Recently, the good SwedishChef received an electronic missive from a former co-worker. Our hero does maintain contact with some people at this hellhole, as they are good people stuck in a bad place. And the Chef is always amused by stories of Kenny and his absurdities. Sadly, this is not one of them.
A young lady, whom was wedded just recently (summer 2004), recently made the announcement at HellHole that she was pregnant, and due this coming March. Many congratulations were offered by her co-workers. Her boss, seeming to be a nice guy, hired someone to learn her position for when she left on Maternity Leave.
As a side note for those of you not in Canada. The Canadian Government provides for one full YEAR of paid (55% of your annual salary) maternity leave. This allows for better bonding between mother and child, and no one here is going to argue.
So, being the good worker that she is, she diligently began to train her substitute. For the next two weeks the trainee did learn to do her job. And the trainee was a good learner and did pick up many nuances of the position.
And then the boss fired the young lady.
And so good readers, we learn that the people running HellHole are truly and verily UTTER MORONS! I mean, come on! They're already facing TWO lawsuits for unlawful dismissal, and then they swing for the fences on this one! The first two were pretty much slam dunks to begin with, but firing a pregnant woman, WITHOUT CAUSE, right after training her Mat-leave fill in is stupid beyond belief! Every day I thank Karma for getting me out of there when I did.
[By: SwedishChef]
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*head implodes* ...DAMN IT!! and I tried really hard not to think about the level of stupidity involved in such a decision. -redevil34
Hmmm, spit-roasted starfish. Hear them scream when the spit rod is inserted. -Wraith556
WTF!! They are in SEVERE need of a ClueX4-ectomy!! -Psudo36
OMFG, that goes beyond stupid into the downright criminal. Pls, if she needs a good lawyer, I would be HAPPY as a pig in poop to make a referral.
-Mysty
Wish her the best with the suit. In an "at will" state, such as mine, you can get fired for no reason and there is nothing you can do. I was terminated for having cancer, without a leg to stand on. My best to your friend and her baby. (nail the a-holes to the wall) -persephone
Gentle persephone, that is why companies do not get sued for wrongful termination in the USA. They get sued for gender/race discrimination. If you were fired for having cancer and someone of the opposite gender was hired to replace you, that can be claimed under gender discrimination, etc. I ran into this when I was let go in 2001. Unfortunately, I am an Anglo-Saxon male and thus am considered part of the "majority" leaving me with no avenue for redemption in an unfair situation. I have the last laugh because the old company got bought out with a 30% plus workforce reduction, salary cuts, etc. -virtualchoirboy
As for you 'Chef, this story put my brain into a BSOD for a good 15 minutes.... until I managed to stumble to the kitchen for some brain bleach from Killian's. You were truly fortunate to escape from that pit of despair and I send whatever lawsuit Karma I can in the direction of your former co-worker. -virtualchoirboy
Erm... I understand why there'd be one unlawful dismissal lawsuit, but why would there be two? -Veinor
Veinor, you misunderstand, the company before they fired the preggors was already facing 2 lawsuits, then they fire lady of the swollen tummy, and now they face 3. -drachen
Oh %deity%, that company is in _serious_ troubles! They have NO change to win that lawsuit! -NordicPT
WOW! soo i'm gueesing the company is bankrupt anyways.. so why not get away with all the drity stuff you'd normaly have to pay for.. how many corperate lawyers have they gone though? i mean certainly no self respecting lawy.... almost cougth myself there.. soo sound like they are going to a nuke and pave.. tyoo bad none of them will see the inside of a jail cell- while coller crime doesn't go that low IIRC. -Harm
That's such BS... I'd either sue, or take it to the Human rights tribunal. -renaultguy
"Whom" was wedded? Clearly tech expertise doesn't leave much room for grammar larnin'. -BrianH
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15.
Furniture Wars! (NT)
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! 'Tis I, the revered SwedishChef
here to regale you with yet another tale of starfishiness (is that even a
word?)! In honour of Mahal, we are featuring local Australian dishes, such as
Pavlova, Maori bread, and various dishes cooked in the Hangi style! Featured
beers include TUI and Waikato, as well as wine from Otago vineyards. Tonight's
tale is not tech, but features a battle with a local furniture purveyor.
As some of you may remember, Mrs. SwedishChef's mother lives with them.
Recently, she decided to purchase a new bedroom set, as hers was rather worn.
So, being that she is on pension and a "credit risk", the Good Chef did offer
to apply for the retailers credit card to take advantage of the "No payments,
No interest for 15 months!" promotion, and a suitable set of furniture was
purchased. Arrangements were made to have the furniture delivered that Friday.
Friday morning arrived, and a call was received at Casa de Chef at 7:15am.
It was the delivery people letting the Chef residence know that the furniture
would be arriving between noon and 3pm. Seeing as this was the time when Chef
was enjoying his 4 weeks paid vacation from his other job, this was a suitable
delivery time.
Until a voicemail is received at 11:18am. Amazingly enough, the delivery
people had "arrived to find no one home", and so Chef would have to call and
arrange for another delivery day. But wait! This can not be! For Chef was, at
that very time, on the phone on the internet! As well, Mrs. Chef and M.I.L.
Chef were downstairs on the main floor! How could the driver say there was no
one home?
Simple. He was a lazy sonofabitch who didn't feel like driving out and delivering
the furniture in the heat, so lied to his dispatch.
This made SwedishChef very irate! Phone calls were made! Supervisors were
spoken to! Managers were spoken to! Customer service was unable to locate the
wayward driver, and SwedishChef had to settle for delivery the next day, plus
a $100 credit towards the purchase of the furniture. Sadly, this was not the
end.
The next day, SwedishChef was awake when the delivery guy called. As Fate
would have it, it was the same delivery guy. So, the good Chef queried, "Are
you actually going to show up this time, or are you simply going to tell your
dispatch no one is home again? Because telling them that when there are 3 people
in the house is gonna earn you some serious bad Karma. Not to mention pissing
me off." But, the delivery guy was not impressed, as people protected by the
distance of a telephone call rarely are.
Happily, the furniture was delivered. Sadly, it was all scratched. So, more
phone calls ensued, and arrangements were made (eventually) for someone to
come out and "inspect" the furniture to see if it could be repaired, or if it
should be replaced.
You know things aren't going to go well when the "inspector" says, "Well,
what do you expect? It's cheap furniture!" (Note, the whole set cost $1150
Canadian).
More phone calls were made to have the furniture
swapped. This happened, but the replacement furniture was just as bad. So, the
good Chef, as patient as he is, called up the store. And he reamed out the manager.
And then he got the phone number for the warehouse and reamed out that manager. And
then he got the number for the area manager and reamed him out as well! Finally,
he called the store back, told them to take everything back and cancel the credit
card. And then he went to the competitors and M.I.L. Chef bought another set on
credit with that store.
Just for the record, I received a $7000 line of credit with this store. Those
of you in Canada will recognize the name "The Brick". I made quite certain to point
out to all those in management that not only were they losing the $1150 on the original
sale, but they were losing the $2500 on the LCD TV that I was going to buy, plus the
$1200 for the Home Theatre system. I had the area manager promising me all sorts of
gift cards and discounts if I would only give them another chance. I figure that two
chances is more than sufficient. "Leon's", however, was quite happy to extend me the
same credit line for similar purchases. This is a warning to anyone working in
Customer Service - The customer may not always be right, but it'll cost you an awful
lot if you don't make sure that you don't at least get it right yourself!
End Rant.
[By: SwedishChef]
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:shakes head: From New Zealand, not Australia. Otherwise, thankyou, good Chef! -Mahal
<slaps hand to forehead and utters a Homeresque "D'Oh!"> I meant New Zealand. Sigh. Fifty lashes with a wet noodle for me. -SwedishChef
So sorry you are not happy with our service. Please come again!! -SFishWrangler
Another horror story from the Brick. -RandalGraves
It's amazing what kind of condition furniture purveyors will deliver their wares in. My parents bought an overstuffed chair awhile ago--black--and it came in with obvious tears, showing the filler--white. The replacement wasn't perfect, but it was better, so they settled for it. -NightSteel
The beautiful cathedral city of Gromits Retreat is/was sadly the erstwhile home of one of the (now defunct) worst cheap furniture purveyors in the U.K. (Brits: think where Magistrates work) If anyhing ordered from them actually turned up undamaged they would apologise and send someone round to scrape and scratch it a bit for you. Fed up with this, last furniture-buying time we spent a comparative fortune and ordered an Ercol dining-room suite from a more up-market purveyor of fine furniture to the nobility and gentry. When that was delivered it was all wrapped in about 6 layers of blankets and was carefully inched into our dining-room by four guys wearing thin cotton gloves! What a difference money makes... sheesh. -Gromit
LOL, I had a similar bad experience with Leon's. They couldn't get it throught their heads that I work all day, I needed evening delivery, bodly offered in large letters on the wall behind the counter where I bought my furniture. Then when it did arrive one piece was badly damaged and they took a chunk out of the doorframe. Unfortunately though the dog ate the piece they knocked out so they refused to take ownership for the damage. Many phone calls later and I am still pissed but I love my sectional. -frprinterwiz
Last time I checked, 11:18 falls before noon-3. I would call dispatch and ream them a new one too, 'cause how can they cancel a delivery 'cause no one is home, when they show up an hour before the scheduled delivery? -JH
Haven't had problems with them yet, and we've bought some appliances and stuff through them, but warning duly noted... co-worker has a months-long horror story from a more local outlet when he avoided The Brick, though - ordered an expensive leather sofa, the delivery guys tore it getting it in, and so he rightly refused to sign for it, and they took it back to the store. They didn't have another, but tried to force him to pay for the sofa *anyway*! -namor
looks like it was Leons that you initially purchased from? -Harm
Harm - purchased originally at the Brick. Then returned. Then a different set was purchased at Leon's. Cost more, but we've had no problems with them. -SwedishChef
Leon's i've never had problems with actually - The Brike, i have not actually delt with personally, but i have heard horror stories about it ( and a few about leons too but stuff happens) Colonial Furniture i usually hear very good things about. -Harm
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16.
Further Adventures of a Failing Company
Nothing fancy today, folks. Just your basic BBQ with hotdogs, burgers and vegetables. Beers are in the cooler.
Would any of you believe me if I said I was upset that my former company has lost it's HAL certifications? Would you? Huh?
Yeah, I know. Silly question.
Karma's a real bitch. Serves them right.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Awwwwww...poor jackasses. <bfeg>
-Grue
Heh. Watch them tank. =P -ThreeBucks
i say sit back in a lawncahir, positioned with a perfect vantage point of the former employers building, crack open a ew cold ones ( since we have the good stuff - howvere a kilkenny would be a appropriate commentary) bring a hibachi and watch as they spiral downwards into bankrupcy. serves em right for ever employing kenny. -Harm
<HAL>I'm Sorry Kenny, I can't let you do that...
-Wonko The Sane
Ha Ha! </obligatory Nelson Muntz> -PTSTech
send your old boss a letter of condolances, and let him know that you may be looking for an assistant in the near future? buahaahhahaa -xtc46
Sounds like you need to contact them with a "You fired me and now you're f*cked" e-mail or call. -Starfury
Every now and then, a story (or series thereof) on TSC serves to prove that true justice is still possible. This is one of those series. It'd be nice to say maybe they'll learn something from this mess, but experience suggests this won't be the case. -karlata
Da ROOF! Da ROOF! Da ROOF is on Fi-ya! We don't need no water let the motherfucker burn! -ShujinTribble
Hey Chef! Here's the jumbo "Kill Kenny" roasted pig special you wanted me to bring. -TheMage18
Were you ever able to figure out what personality characteristic Kenny had that made him so valuable to the company in the first place? -BayouTech
What are HAL certs? -axjdo
HAL Certs are breath mints for psychotic AI's -ShujinTribble
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17.
Laughing All the Way
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! 'Tis I, the esteemed SwedishChef here to tantalize your tastebuds and amuse your ears! Today's repast is celebrating Moroccan delights, including Couscous Bedaoui with Seven Vegetables, Feqqas and Chorba. This story continues the saga of my old workplace.
SwedishChef recently attended his former place of employe to receive his final paycheck. Prior to doing so, he received a voice-mail from Kenny requesting the company laptop be returned (fair enough, as it is their laptop), with the caveat that if it wasn't returned, they would withhold my final paycheck. Well, that's not a smart thing to leave in a voice-mail, as it is illegal to withhold anyone's paycheck for any reason. And now SwedishChef had recorded proof of the threat, so any possible litigation that may arise would definitely go in the Chef's favour.
However, being a somewhat nice guy, as well as one to NEVER pass up an opportunity to LART Kenny, SwedishChef called him back. It was related, again, that should the good Chef not return the company laptop, funds would be withheld.
"Good Kenny! Dost thou take me for a complete and utter moron? Surely thou dost realize that it is illegal to withhold my paycheck, for any reason? And that thou hath been kind enough to leave recorded PROOF of such a threat? Besides, at which point did I ever state that I was not returning the laptop. I forgot it on my final day. I have no need for it. You shall have it when I come in to pick up my checks. Minus the hard drive, as that is my personal harddrive that was used to replace the company one that went defective." spoke the Chef.
"Nay, good Chef! We must have the hard drive! We must image it so that we can get the data off of it! It is our data and you must return it! (By this point in time, I've had the drive for 2 weeks, and could have wiped it at any point, but have not -Ed.). If you do not return it with our data intact, you shall not receive your paycheck!" blustered Kenny.
"Kenny, that is now the third time you have made that threat. I must thank you, as the court case is now a slam dunk. However, if you want your precious data so badly, I will bring the drive in with me and you can image it while I wait. Is that acceptable?" smarmed the good Chef.
And so, SwedishChef attended his former place of employ and provided them with the laptop. However, before doing so, he backed up all their data onto their USB key and then ran the HAL System Restore CD to restore the drive to Factory defaults. He then dutifully copied their data back onto the drive and left it at that.
SwedishChef also got quite a laugh from the following equation:
SwedishChef's salary - ~42k
3 Techs hired to replace him at ~$34k per tech - $102K
Cost to train all three techs just for HAL certification - $4500
Cost per tech for IQ certifications ~1200
Total cost to replace the Chef - $107700.
Knowing that that sum is almost 2.6 TIMES Chef's salary - PRICELESS
Further, learning that KENNY, an IT MANAGER, was being paid the same as SwedishChef (a technician) - Twice as Priceless!
Knowing that they only have TWO paying clients, and cannot afford all the new hires - Beyond Priceless!
Once again, good readers, we learn that Accountants should NEVER be allowed to run a company. Especially accountants that keep Kenny on the payroll, despite his numerous goof ups. Happily, I got an offer the day after my layoff, and will be back at work mid-July, after enjoying 4 weeks of paid vacation, thanks to the old company.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Huzzah!! Score one for the good guys! -SalParadise
Tell me about it. Accountants should count money and get inkstains, not run companies. -scooby111
Someone needs to exterminate Kenny. -ThreeBucks
"oops, sorry Kenny, the laptop doesn't seem to boot anymore. I was going to fix it, but I got distracted with all the wrongful termination lawsuit paperwork...." -Divinar
You should have left a note about this on the desks of the new technicians... Just to give them fair warning...
-Divinar
arg... how does kenney stay employed? I mean, hes a walking liability! terminaly stupid it seems. -Harm
HHUUZZAAA! (Ya mind spreading that karma around?) -Psudo
Oh my god, someone please kill Kenny. The bastard! -teivrann
Chef, You let them off easy.
I would have brought them back the laptop and left with the check and HD *without* telling them beforehand. Then, when they push the issue of Data (knowing Kenny), that you kindly remind him that any attempt to threaten you WILL result in the forwarding of VoiceMails to their few remaining clients. -Necros
Too bad you didn't have time to get a spare laptop drive and 'prep' it with something like CHS so it would self-destruct a certain time later. Nah, you're not THAT evil, you want to let them LART themselves in chapter 11! -TieDyedDinosaur
Did you get your personal hard drive back out of the laptop? If not, you could claim that since they haven't returned it and bill them parts and labor! -ecoli
Yes, I got the drive back. After they formatted it. Because, you know, I couldn't keep "their" data. Not that I cared. If I really wanted their data, I had 2 weeks to pull it off. I simply backed up my MP3s and my PDF files and my PST file (for the BSA LART I'm considering in the future). All they did was format a drive that had been formatted the night before. After copying "their" data. I figured that if they want to waste their time, let them. I got more amusement out of watching Kenny almost fark that up than anything else. -SwedishChef
Ever heard of the Peter Principle? Sounds like Kenny actually got promoted beyond his level of competence more than once ... -BrianH
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18.
A Thank You.
Yet again, I must thank a mysterious benefactor for giving me a large ass. Last year, I was able to balance out the Karma by gifting a star shortly after I got mine. Sadly, I will remain in Karma Debt for longer this year.
However, I still am very greatful for the donation, and I will gift one in return at sometime in the future to even things up in the Karma department.
And thanks to everyone on the board who has been there to listen as my world was turned upside down. The support from everyone has been amazing.
[By: SwedishChef]
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can you blame us, trying to read your writing style unformatted...and besides then there'd be none of the wonderful food. *kidding, kidding* seriously man if anyone deserves a second dose of kindness its you. -rhiannon
yeah, what she said... on both counts. -wolfprince
you can blame all of us - we're good like that. -Harm
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19.
It Just Keeps Getting Better!
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! 'Tis I, the ever amusing SwedishChef here to regale you with yet another tale of silliness. In honour of the re-enlargement of my posterior, I am hosting a huge buffet, featuring food from all countries around the world! Carnivores, omnivores and herbivores will find bounties never before seen at one of my gatherings! I am borrowing Thuckrutes from Pond Life to head up the elite Bartending staff to ensure that every possible drink request is fulfilled! Tonight's story is a further update on the saga that was my former company!
SwedishChef finds himself on a bit of a vacation. Now, he is enjoying his time off as he can spend it with his son. Nothing matters more to him right now than seeing the joy in his son's eyes when SwedishChef arrives to pick him up from school!
Of course, that doesn't mean that Real Life doesn't make matters interesting. Like this afternoon. SwedishChef called up one of his former co-workers, as they had left a message two days earlier requesting information concerning his new found unemployment. Pleasantries were exchanged, and then the information came flowing from the co-worker.
It seems the company is in a real bind. Two technicians have been hired to replace SwedishChef. That's right! They have very quickly realized that he did the work of two techs! This pleases SwedishChef greatly.
Secondly, the lead sales guy got into a disagreement with the bossman. Actually, the lead sales guy got PISSED at the boss, and quit. On the spot. Leaving the company with only one junior outside sales person. Happy Happy Joy Joy!
Thirdly, said junior salesguy (who was the person on the phone to SwedishChef) is also fed up, and is sending SwedishChef his resume to hand in to the new company, as they need a salesguy or two. SwedishChef also placed a call to the now Ex-Salesguy, and will probably be getting his resume as well. He shoots! He SCORES!
Fourthly, HAL and IQ have given the company 30 days to get replacement techs trained, or they lose their status as warranty depots, which kills 2/3rds of the deals they are currently working on (at least, of those remaining now that they've lost their lead salesguy). Happy Tidings to all!
And finally, the most ironic bit of information for the day. Apparently, Kenny is tired of being yelled at for not completing his jobs and projects and is looking for work elsewhere. Words can not describe the euphoria felt by SwedishChef over that one! A dual self-LART! The company has realized in very short order that Kenny can't do the job, and are already giving him hell for it, and at the same time, they may lose him. And with him, all the network passwords!
And so we learn, gentle reader, that Karma Payback is a mean bitch! As nasty as CD can be when she's PMSing and hopped up on sugar, she's got nothing on Karma Payback! And I can't say I'm even remotely upset over any of it. I feel sorry for specific individuals who haven't escaped yet, but that's it. I hope they get out soon, with their sanity intact. The rest can get buggered for all I care.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Excellent lip-smacking meal, Chef. Congrats on the new employment and chance to LART the jerks who sacked you! -Evilturnip
excellent food, made sweeter by the happy seasoning of karma. -rhiannon
Who says revenge is a dish best served cold? Sounds pretty HOT to me!!! -EagleEye
that is the biggest self-lart-by-proxy I've seen in a loooonnnng time. -srteach
Dreams are made of this... -CyBear
And in late breaking news, the building is on fire. -robbor
wow - kenny being called on his incompetence! And that snowball's still holding its own in the 7th layer of hell. who'd have thought. Vengance rules. -Harm
Two vertible feasts Sir, one for the stomach & one for the soul. It re-inforces the old addage "What goes around, comes around".
How long do you give your former employers intil 1)They come crawling back to you for your aid & 2) The company folds? My take on the first scenario is that you MUST charge absolutely exhorbitant rates for any work done(if you feel ike doing anything to aid their plight). did you ever find out why they considered Kenny to be anything more than a mobile paper weight? Is he a relation of any of the management? All in all, the balance of fate is back as it should be. -lineswine
Ah. A large posterior makes for a lovely repast indeed. Ok. That didn't come out exactly like I meant. Uh. Thanks for the great food and entertainment there big butt. -Rabbitt
Heh. Karma's a real MEAN bitch sometimes. -Grue
Great meal, Great drinks and a satisifying story. Thanks SwedishChef! -Psudo
<buuuurrp> S'cuse me... That was one of the most satisfying meals in a loooong time, Chef! Satisfying both to body and soul! Congrats!! -Ulfgaard
I couldn't eat another bite man was that gooood! -techpeon
My compliments to the Chef. The steak au poivre was good, the chateau Laffite excellent and the tale sublime! I told you 'what goes around comes around' but I totally underestimated the sheer power of TSC Karma. I am completely in awe of this - game, set and match to 'Chef. -Gromit
Oh, and fat-arse - keep that star polished, y'hear? -Gromit
Somehow, I am thinking an offer of re-employment might actually be well received. Of course, the need to triple the salary and have complete autonomy and budgetary discretion might be a little hard for them to swallow..... -virtualchoirboy
chef i didnt know you had quit working with kenny..was he the last straw? -SGTARKyTEK
Remember, all consulting work is cash in advance! A company going down the tubes that fast generally has "paying bills" quite a long way down the list. -smellystudent
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20.
You Really Are Stupid, Aren't You?
As you all can see, I've lost my formatting capabilities. I have also just switched jobs, so it will be a bit before I can enlarge my butt again. See my post in the Break Room for details. _____ Imagine my joy today as I received a phone call from my previous place of employ. It seems that the big deal they *just* signed to do warranty work for a local company can't be done because they no longer have anyone on staff who can place the order. Would I be so kind to provide them my login information, including my password. _____ Um, let me think about that for *just* a second. HELL NO! You made your bed, you lie in it! Do you think that I care that the *earliest* you can have another tech certified is mid-week next week? Do you think I don't know that they won't be set up to place orders for at least another week after that? Do you think I don't know you'll most likely *LOSE* the client since you can't meet the SLAs you agreed to?____I Love the smell of a self-LART in the morning!
[By: SwedishChef]
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Oooh, nothing like a 'we fired you but need you to help us out' opportunity. Too bad, Jack, bet me that I won't laugh hysterically at your problem! -TieDyedDinosaur
I'd suggest sending a resume to the clients, explaine what's happened and see if they'd like you around. (Evil Grin) "The best revenge is living well." -ShujinTribble
Well, not there was any doubt, but I'd this only helps seal your victory - hopefully it ends in a fatality for the former employer. -redevil34
And good <diety> I can't type! -redevil34
If they didn't make you sign a non-compete (sounds like they didn't) I agree with ShunjinTribble. Not really a resume, just a "change of address" postcard. Be sure to note on it YOUR certifications. Keep an eye on the old company, too...if they keep claiming certs that only YOU had there, you can get away with bad-mouthing them for *dishonesty* and win brownie points (& more clients) into the bargain -CTYankee
Damn, I'm mean! <BFEG> -CTYankee
There is a non-compete. Doesn't mean they can't choose to approach me on their own terms. I just can't solicit them for business. -SwedishChef
I think my response to this would have been along the lines of: "HA! HAHAHA! HAHAHAHHAHA! HAHAHA!HAHAHAHA! HAHA! HA! That is all." -karlata
Resume bullet point 6: * Knows the password to ___'s system whereas they do not. -Mushroom
Tell them to get Kenny to do it. He's the tech they decided to keep, right? -Evilturnip
This sounds like a sweet consulting deal that could get you some cash -Imrcly
tell them you would be happy to help them for 4 weeks... at 1 month salary per week. They sign, you help them. NEVER give them the password. -srteach
I would've said...'Uh let me check...' Then get your tape recorder and have them ask you again. :) -steveO77
you lose your Star and you gain it back in less than a post you ass grew big again. It wasn't me -Motient
So you have a non compete - sounds like they were going to violate some rules themselves. I'd laugh in their faces. -GIGO
Charge them 1000$ per letter of the password. And spell it wrong. Twice. -AmdInside
OOOH! They are so farked up! Seriously, consulting rates=1 week work your previous month salary! Step 3=profit, right? -NordicPT
Told ya! What goes around is comin' around already. A non-compete isn't going to stand up against a wrongful dismissal suit so fuck 'em. If you REALLY want to do some dame in the right quarter tell them you gave Kenny the information and told him to keep it safe, therefore he must have lost it. <bfek9g> -Gromit
Shit - digital dyslexia this morning. For "dame" read "damage". (Freudian slip?) -Gromit
Gromit, keep your hands off Mrs. Gromit when you type! -Tekkie
Gromit was usually fending off sheep in the film strips! -TieDyedDinosaur
TECHNICALLY... Couldn;t you send a letter that says that you have a non-compete clause and that you can't solicit them for employment at this time... (Boggles and falls over) Ok.. That circular logic hurt more than the floor did. -ShujinTribble
Damn, 'Chef, that's twisted. They fire you for no reason but want your info? They don't want you, but they want your help. *head is spinning* wow... Just... Wow.
(By the way, nice star!) -taieena
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21.
A LART by Mrs. SwedishChef
As promised, the second story for the night, featuring a LART delivered by Mrs. SwedishChef.
As long time readers will remember, Mrs. SC works at a local pharmaceutical retail outlet as a part-time cashier. This evening, she was scheduled to work until closing, which is 10pm EST.
At five minutes to 10pm, a senior staff member locks the entrance door, barring anyone else from entering. An announcement is made over the PA System informing any customers currently in the store that they should bring any purchases to the cash. Customers then pay and exit the store. The automated exit door has no external handle, so in order for one to enter the store after the entrance door is locked, one must grab the exit door as it opens to allow someone else to exit.
This was the case this evening. A starfish arrives at the store and attempts to enter. He discovers that the entrance has been locked. He then awaits at the exit door, and slips in as a customer leaves. He observes Mrs. SwedishChef staring at his audacity, and speaks, Are you closed?, to which she replies Yes, we are closed.
Well, I just need one item, okay? Ill be quick! he replies.
Sorry, sir, we are closed., states another employee.
Of course, this does not deter the starfish, who continues into the store and down an aisle, all the while being followed by the other employee. The starfish grabs a bottle of eye drops and approaches Mrs. SwedishChef to pay for it.
Thanks for working overtime for me!, he quips.
I dont get paid overtime., Mrs. SwedishChef icily replies.
Oh, thats okay, neither do I!, he jokes lamely.
Yes, but you dont have a handicapped child at home waiting for you, do you?, retorts Mrs. SwedishChef, using her best Youre really a stupid fucker, arent you? look. Of course, the starfish had nothing to say to that.
Is it any wonder why I married this woman? Beautiful, intelligent and able to deliver a LART of biblical proportions. Sigh.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Fine...now get your girl home and have biblical sex of epic proportions with her. JEEZ...do I have to draw you a picture????:D -rokitt
Hey! You cheated! This is not the LART expected from your previous post! This calls for an anonymous e-mail to her (with a link to your previous post) <BFEG> -TheGhost
Bah- that aphodite wouldn't lart em for that. she understands. -Harm
Having spent a couple of years as a cashier myself, I say she should have pulled her till. "Sorry, sir, but we did inform you we were closed." <bfeg> -missourimule
The registers at the store I work at are set to shut down at about 1:20 AM. The store closes at 1 AM, the doors are locked and the customers are asked to take their items to the front. The cashier then has to get everybody out before 1:20 (there's usually only 1-2 people in the store then), then take the till to be counted. At 1:20, the registers lock down, you cannot scan or do anything at all to them, and there's no way to override the lockout, it's a solid lock. There has been at least one time where the cashier is just clocking out and leaving at about 1:30 and has found a customer who pushed through the doors, with a full cart demanding to be checked out, only to become indignant when they're told the registers are locked, we're closed, goodbye. -AgentV3
I wouldn't let Magenta call *me* a handicapped child, but maybe that's just me. Hey! Put those cleavers down! ;~} -RiffRaff
I 2^nd mismule -ShujinTribble
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22.
Silver Linings
Greetings, gentle readers, greetings! Tis I the effervescent SwedishChef here to entertain you with more tales of starfish and woe. Tonight we shall feast, for I have not only my own tale to tell, but one from Mrs. SwedishChef as well! We shall have a buffet featuring delights from all around the world, including meats, vegetables, soups, wines, beers, meads and ales.
First, my tale of woe.
Today dawned as many others do for our hero. Cloudy, chilly and morose. It was a dark foreboding that would do its utmost to drag our hero down.
First, he attended to one of his customer locations. The local TelCo company had been there the previous day to install a jack for their DSL connection. Our hero was to setup the modem and ensure that the server and desktops were able to connect. Upon arrival, it was determined that ONLY the jack and been installed. The service was not available, nor was any other equipment on site. After five transfers, SwedishChef finally reached someone in the TelCo who was able to definitively tell him that service would not be available until the next day.
Somewhat perturbed, our hero left that location and decided to go to another client to install some backup software. On the way, he dropped in at a local branch of his bank to deposit some cash so that the pre-set automatically bill payments would not bounce. Unfortunately, that branch was not scheduled to open until 10am, and it was only 9:05am.
Further annoyed, he attended the next client location. He installed the software. He discovered that the key code was not being recognized by the software. Despite the assurance of the vendor that it was valid. Another wasted trip.
Our hero then decided to return to the office, making a slight detour to his home bank branch, as it was on the way. He arrived, and was informed that they could not deposit the money as their server had been incapacitated during the previous nights storms. Only that branchs server. So, he had to detour further to a THIRD branch, where he was forced to wait 15 minutes for the sole teller to finish with another customer. While watching the other THREE tellers gabbing in the back of the bank. Ignoring his requests for assistance. His banks head office has already received a blistering e-mail concerning their service.
Our hero finally arrived at work, only to discover that Kenny had a tummy-ache and was not in the office that day. There were, however, several dozen outstanding internal trouble calls backlogged. Two of the most pressing ones were ones that Kenny had worked on the day before.
On the upside, one of the finer examples of the human female species working in SwedishChefs home office was observed at lunch time to be wearing a rather thin, white skirt, complete with thong underwear and a tight, low-cut top.
So we learn, gentle reader, that every cloud has a silver lining, if you just know where (and when!) to look.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Ummm...me thinks that SwedishChef is color blind...t'was not a silver lining that ye saw...but t'was the elusive "pink lining" which has been hand-crafted by <diety> for thy pleasure. It is HIGHLY recommended you become immersed and taken by the mysterious "pink lining" as it shall surely find you in a state of blissful release and contentment.........but that's I would do anyway! :D -rokitt
So that explains the next post entitled LART by Ms. Swedishchef. Guess I'll skip it, I know how it ends... -TheGhost
even on the darkest day, theres always a bright spot :) not named atlantic province bank is a such a pain in the ass. soo tempted to go for the Ipod deal with TD -Harm
Hey, Not too much Red Meat... - Please adjust your menu to suit... -Wonko The Sane
<drooling> Go on.....what happened next damnit -Armakuni
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23.
The Saga of Kenny P. 4
Folks, I hope you have enjoyed the feast. The desserts are being brought out now, as well as coffee, tea and any other drinks you may require. This is the final tale for this evening.
Kenny, as you have well observed, is on a real streak this week. This last tale involves two poor, defenseless end users.
The first end user contacted the IT deparment because her work station developed a problem that has been termed "Randomus Rebootitis". Not necessarily a fatal issue, but it is a rather perplexing one, as people tend to be annoyed when they lose their work without warning.
What does Kenny do? Why, it's simple! He locates an old copy of her profile, and replaces her existing Win2k Domain profile. Why? Damned if I know. Of course, this solves nothing, but creates new problems as half the programs that were specifically configured now have to be re-configured so the user can use them. And, the user was none too happy when told that she would have to restore all her IE favourites manually, as they were lost when the profile was replaced. Happily, she was not a starfish, and was actually able to find them and restore them to the new profile.
The other end user suffered a Blue Screen. Being a properly trained end user, she contacts IT and provides the proper information. She has not even rebooted the machine yet. This call is brought to my attention by Kenny. I ask the obvious question, "Has she rebooted? Did the problem recur?"
"No and I don't know. I looked the error code up on the web and forwarded you a link so you can fix the problem."
Uh oh. The last time Kenny looked something up concerned Licensing for MS. He found a link to licensing information in Taiwan, and felt it was relevant to North America, despite the links to MS North America that stated otherwise.
The link was checked, and Kenny was as stellar as ever. The solution was for WinXP workstations. Sadly, the workstation in question was a WinNT 4.0. However, I did find the correct link, and learned that the error code meant one thing: "If this recurs, your hardware is fubar and you need to replace it." Hmmm. Well, obviously, the only way we can verify this is to reboot the machine and see if it recurs! Wait, didn't I already suggest that? That's right! I did!
System rebooted, error does not recur, end user wasted 30 minutes waiting for the problem to be assigned to me so that I could tell her to do what Kenny should have had her do. But hey, what do I know? Oh, wait! More than Kenny!
And thus ends our feast and our tales. At least for now. Kenny has already provided me with more fodder, and I haven't even finished typing up this lot of stories. Sigh. Still looking for work, if anyone's got an opening! Sigh.
[By: SwedishChef]
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And the real question is 'Who is going to kill Kenny, the bastard!' -TieDyedDinosaur
Wow I am full..........we need more Kenny stories (not at your expense however) -Bunglehawk069
I give your presentation and artistic style 10 out of 10. -BayAreaTech
Wonderful dinner and a movie chef. (Ok. I just closed my eyes and pretended it was a movie.) Told in an enchanting way. -Rabbitt
a kenny had did spyware removal of my commanders laptop. He wanted me to take a look at it. winxp boots straight to blank desktop.ie no explorer. Do a search on the computer and no explorer.exe. So I copied it off my lappy put it on cd and copied to the bad laptop and every thing worked. I guess this guys idea of spyware removal was removing explorer.exe, which does work too. -SGTARKyTEK
Burp! Fine feast, as usual, Chef! I may be behind on my chef tales, but do you have a new place of employment yet? -Evilturnip
Very entertaining. I'm struck with a new appreciation for your sense of humour for having to work with an incompetent twat like Kenny. -teivrann
Here ya go SwedishChef C4 an a remote detonator. Have Fun :D -StarFishHearder
To quote the end of my famous rant call, "Kenny, you are a fucknugget. Genuine, Dyed-in-the-Wool, Muncie-Bred Fucknugget. GEDD-OUDDA-DA-POOOOOOL!" -vacuumtubes
EvilTurnip - still looking. Teivrann - It still amazes me that *he's* still employed. I still suspect pictures are involved. -SwedishChef
In that case, I'm impressed that you're still able to feed all of us, without daily exposure to Kenny and his idiocy to use as inspiration. Good luck with the continued search, then! -Evilturnip
'Chef - all I can say is - Hurt...Kenny...a...lot. Stop...him...breeding. -lineswine
Why is it that I can't find a job fixing computers, yet morons like Kenny get to do it on a regular basis. This guy needs to be taken out back and shot for the things he does. -Liquidice
*realizing there's food after being completely stunned at 'Chef's abilities to stay sane and not kill Kenny yet* Mmmmmpmmh... Yummy, 'Chef... And Impressive that Kenny hasn't died off suicided on his own yet. Methinks he needs some assistance... *lapsing into bemused silence* -taieena
I can only come to two possible scenarios: 1) Kenny is the boss' kid. 2) Kenny owns kneepads. -Captain Trips
Ohmy... excellent stories and dinner - but pity you can't get rid of him. Just wondering how big a fubar he has to make until the PHBs will understand what a fucktard he is. And if you have managed to find an other work place before that or not. -NordicPT
Could 'Kenny' be George in disguise? -kman52000
Let me just finish picking the bones out of my teeth... There <BURP!> Wow! Great story! If Kenny gets lost in a single row in a warehouse, then he may have worked here. -TechOgre
There is something positively tuna casserole about how he is still employed there. Is there nothing you can do to get him out? Great set of stories ;) you have the patience of three saints SC -Armakuni
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24.
The Saga of Kenny P.3
Don't get up to leave the table just yet, folks! There's still more to come! Again, Snowcrash was privy to this event in Real Time via IM.
The same day as the software install, another computer is brought into the repair area. It belongs to an employee, and is running rather slow. Said employee suspects a virus, but isn't certain, as he freely admits to "not knowing a lot about computers, just enough to be dangerous!" Our good friend Kenny assumes control of this job. Why is beyond the ken of mere mortals, since it's already been proven he couldn't deal with a virus even if armed with 3 AV programs and an IQ in the "normal" range.
Being the "good" tech that he is, he sets the machine up on a desk and plugs it in. The power supply immediately goes "BANG!" and releases its magic smoke, realizing that suicide is a better option than being worked on by Kenny. Granted, this is not Kenny's fault, but the resulting debacle is definitely one for the books.
There are 2 spare power supplies in the company. Brand new. Never used. Purchased because machines have a tendancy to release their magic smoke during work hours. A normal tech would remove one of these from their package and replace the now deceased one. Not Kenny, though. Never let it be said that he does things the normal way! Nope. Instead, he locates a power supply that has a non-functioning fan. He proceeds to open the two power supplies, and swaps the fan from the one that went "BANG" into the one that does not have a functioning fan. Of course, this takes about 30 minutes to complete, instead of the 5 minutes to swap existing ones. Again, not to be hindered by such inconsequentialities as time, Kenny proceeds apace. But wait! There is no electrical tape with which to bind the newly spliced wires! Again, not to be deterred, standard clear ADHESIVE TAPE is employed. 45 minutes later, the machine is running on a bastardized powersupply that will possibly fail without notice. Most likely in a spectacular way that will result in even MORE magic smoke being released.
Things get really fun when Kenny turns on the machine. It is slow. Very slow. There are processes running that are suspicious, and can't be stopped. Oh no! A WORM! Or a TROJAN! Kenny springs to action! He tries to End Task on them, but they keep coming back! What is a tech to do?
Well, in Kenny's case, he goes combing through the registry looking for the viral load point. While he's doing that, our hero SwedishChef looks up the offending file on Google. It's spyware. And not particularly "good" spyware. It's relatively easy to remove. Boot to safe mode, load Ad Aware or Spybot from a disk, scan and remove. Done. But, this wouldn't be a true story if Kenny did things the "normal" way.
To make a really, really long story somewhat shorter, Kenny does the following:
Starts manually removing "suspicious" registry keys.
When this fails, Kenny begins removing "suspicious" files from the System32 folder.
Still not having success, Kenny boots from WinPE and runs a SYSTEM RESTORE.
After completing the System Restore, Kenny finally runs the MS Beta Spyware Removal Tool. It finds all the registry entries and files still in place.
These are removed, but it's not a complete removal. Upon reboot to Windows, the BHO registry entry is still active, so the first time IE is opened, it all floods back in. Not to be deterred by the failure of the MS program to completely remove the problem, Kenny runs it AGAIN.
There is no ending to this story. The computer still sits on a desk, infected. And it will remain there for the foreseeable future. I wonder if there's any good pr0n on it?
[By: SwedishChef]
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Did Kenny set it up for a full scan and checked the avanced tools|system explorers|IE BHO's list and remove said BHO's??? -Z0nker
"...realizing that suicide is a better option than being worked on by Kenny"... BAHAHAHAHAHAA! Good one! -teivrann
Z0nker. Yes, he set it up to do a full scan. However, being BETA software, it's prone to missing things that more established software finds. But, as far as Kenny is concerned, it is the BEST spyware removal program in existance. Even though it's still in BETA. -SwedishChef
Look Chef, whatever i said to piss you off, i apologise, please stop this barrage, this is infinitly worse than the great university flame war i started in my first year. Please for all that is good and holy stop this plzzzzzz -Armakuni
Work, they no longer will, after let out the magic smoke, you do. -kman52000
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25.
The Saga of Kenny P. 2
As promised, the feast continues! This story also involves Chef's dire nemesis Kenny! Snowcrash can attest to this story, as I was regaling her with it via IM as it happened.
Our hero had returned from another client site the other morning. It was the day after the long weekend, so he was feeling rather light-hearted and stress free. Of course, this was not to last.
SwedishChef opened his e-mail program to discover a missive from Kenny. A missive "requesting" our hero to install a specific program on a Win2k server and a Win2k desktop.
Problem. There is no Test Lab in this company. There are no spare servers. The only way this can be done is to use a desktop as a server. Problem Two. The "best" spare desktop is a P3 766 with 256mb of RAM. Next best, for the desktop install, is a Celeron 400 with 128mb of RAM. So, the install can be done, but it's gonna be slower than a 400lb hog with 1 leg.
This is pointed out to Kenny, and he "pish-poshes" this and tells our hero to install it. "Very well," says SwedishChef, "but don't come whining to me if the program kicks up hissy fits because the systems don't meet specs."
So, our hero proceeds to install Win2k Advanced Server. He leaves it unconfigured, as no specific configuration has been requested. He then goes to install the software to be tested. That's when the real fun begins.
"Umm, Kenny, did you check the specs on this program? The server install requires that we have .NET installed, SQL Server 2000, and the program itself requires 1GB of RAM. This poor machine has 1/4 of that, and only a 10gb hard drive!"
"Yes, Chef, I knew that. But that's okay! I never worry about the specs when I install software!"
What more needs to be said? Was I able to do the install? Yup. Does it run? Yup. It's slower than molasses flowing uphill in January, but it runs. However, since the client we're testing it for runs Win2k Advanced Server specifically configured (I haven't learned how, yet, as no one seemed to be bothered to ask), and has an actual proper server config (you know, gigs of HD space for the SQL database, 4gb of RAM, dual Xeon processors, etc), it's debatable as to whether our "test" will achieve any valid results, other than determining that the software runs REALLY SLOW on a machine that doesn't meet the recommended specs.
[By: SwedishChef]
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"I never worry about the specs..." WTF?! That's like saying "I'll put diesel fuel in my car because it's cheaper than unleaded." Chef, you work with a starfish. -deskmonkey
Worse than that - a DANGEROUS Starfish of the worst order: Not just Dangerous, but 100% ignorant. I >highly< suggest only dealing via Email with this particular dipswitch.. if nothing else but to prove his usefullness as a piece of concrete rebar. -ShujinTribble
*sitting utterly and speechless-ly fumbfounded* -taieena
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26.
The Saga of Kenny P. 1
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! Tonight, we shall feast on delights from around the world! All edible delights will be featured, as I, SwedishChef, have several stories to entertain and delight you with. And, since all of these stories feature our favourite tech, Kenny, copious amounts of alcohol will be available. The finest liquors, beers, wines, ales and more from around the world! So sit back and relax, this is gonna be a doozy!
Our first tale begins a few weeks ago. Another co-worker, whom I nick-named Kermit in another post, was relieved of duty. Sadly, this was not a surprise. The reason I named him Kermit was based on his uncanny resemblance to said Muppet during times of stress. Yes, he was prone to throwing his arms up in the air and shouting "Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!" Usually after dealing with Kenny.
So, in management's infinite wisdom, they let Kermit go and kept Kenny. So now, Kenny is walking around like he owns the place. And his most grievous mistake to date is to assume that this now gives him some sort of position of power over SwedishChef. Certainly, you can all see how this is going to turn out, can't you?
SwedishChef arrived back to the office with a server that belonged to a client. It had 2 drives mirrored, and one of them was beginning to fail, so our hero was attempting to remedy that. After much testing, the problem drive was identified and removed, a new drive was inserted, the mirror was broken and re-established and everything was fine. However, there were still problems with SAV not functioning properly. So, with further investigation, it was determined that the 15,000+ items in quarantine might be affecting things in a negative fashion. They were duly deleted, and that problem was resolved.
So, being a good tech, our hero proceeds to verify that the system is clean of any other possible virals, and then puts it on the network to update Windows. That's when Kenny appears. He enquires as to our hero's activities, and is filled in on the details. To which he offered up this golden bit of wisdom: "Well, you shouldn't put an infected machine on the network! It could infect the rest of our machines!"
"This is true, Kenny. However, as already stated, the SAV is working fine. All quarantined items were removed, definitions were updated via USB key and a scan was done. Common load points were also checked. The system is clean."
"Nay, Chef, you can not say this is true! Many new viruses are polymorphic!"
"Well, Kenny, congratulations on your new 50 cent word! Obviously, you have been studying! However, if you were truly intelligent, you would remember that I have a background in dealing with SAV and viruses. And that "polymorphic" viruses have been around for some time now. I cut my teeth on nasty viruses like Melissa and Code Red and Nimda, and have dealt with machines infected with Sasser and Slammer and others. This machine is safe to be on the network. Now go away, kid, ya bother me!"
At this point, he stared at our Knight of the Shining LART and then slunk off to his cubicle to nurse his wounded pride.
This is the first story. As you can see, Kenny is a real piece of work at times. As noted in my story about the Twilight Zone ( http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=46555 ), this is the same person who did an AV install push, untested, across the network in the middle of the day. It only gets better with the next story!
[By: SwedishChef]
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polymorphic - One of the best episodes of Red Dwaf... ;) -Wonko The Sane
You broke a mirror? On purpose? 7 years for you! -Jeckler
HEy Chef, each year working with Kenny counts as two for the breaking mirror/bad luck thing. :) . -Chipsterian
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27.
Happy Birthday ME!
Yup. 33 years old. 1/3 of a century.
And yes, I know I was just announcing Mrs. SC's birthday 2 weeks ago. We're both Taurus. And despite what the Zodiac says, we get along just great. :)
Now, where's my cake? And the redhead in tight clothing to feed me? >:)
[By: SwedishChef]
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Congratulations! -pmillipede
<me>takes out the paddle. "how old are you again?"</me> -drachen
Just a second, I'm finishing the dye job and zipping up... -namor
Happy B'day to you! (and many more!):) -rokitt
Both Taurus? <sings>"Show me a home where the buffalo roam, and I'll show you a house full of shit.."</sings & legs it for Pond Life> -Gromit
Happy Birthday! Bork Bork Bork! -NOFXfan
Technically, you won't be 1/3 of a century for another 4 months... *Ducks the LART for his anal-retentiveness.* -Jonos
A very happy birthday to you:)
I share the same birthday as you. -THETECHFROMHELL
Which will be Sept 18 at 17:55:12 assuming you were born at midnight. Happy Bday -Olorin
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHEF!!!! -rhiannon
Okay, I got the cake covered, but I need Mrs. 'Chef and a red wig to complete the scenario. *giggles like mad and runs away* -snowcrash
Happy birthday, 'Chef! -taieena
Happy Birthday Chef! -JustAGirl
Happy birthday, there, youngster! Many happy returns... -chazz
Flappy Birthday! -TechnoVampire
Happy Birthday!!!!!
I'm going to hit the big 30 on May 29th....boy time goes by quick. -Hawk
Have a very happy birthday SC. -persephone
Happy B-Day, Chef! Many happy returns! -sassicatz
"Happy Birthday... now you're one year older, happy birthday, you're life still isn't over..." </arrogant worms> -Bynar
Just remember, You may grow older, but you DON'T HAVE TO GROW UP! -TieDyedDinosaur
Hoppy birthday to you SC. -Rabbitt
Is she feeding the cake, or herself? Happy B-day! -srteach
And many more happy birthdays after this. -teivrann
HAPPY BDAY!!! WOOOOOOO! Ill have a keiths in your honor :) -Harm
belated happy antipodean birthday wishes - and thats all you get from this redhead;) -timelady
Many happy returns, Swedish Chef! -halfstarfish
Happy Birthday Chef, hope something great's been cooked up for ya :) -Inphinity
Happy Birthday! -Firthy2002
Hoppy birdy, 2 ewes. -lineswine
Happy Birthday, Mr. Cleavers! You're not "1/3 of a century" old for another four months, though.... ;-) -Grue
My very best wishes to you, Chef... You're only 3 years younger than me... and, on a personal note... Thank You. -ShujinTribble
<raises hand> Redhead here... you want sweet or savoury? :) -LadySharky
Happy birthday, SwedishChef! Many happy returns! -Mango
HAPPY B-DAY Chef!!! (ya old fart) -wolfprince
Hippo Birdies, Chef! Hope Sven and Olga baked you a 8 layer cake of different flavors on each tier. Youngsters. Wait another 5 years, until you're feeling 40 start to breathe down your neck. -MadJack
Happy Birthday!!! -Salsita
Happy B-day! -RandalGraves
Happy, Happy Birthday! -NordicPT
Many happy returns to the Chef... -PTSTech
Belated happy birthday! -BritishBunny
Happy Birthday, Chef!! -Shane
*looks at natural red hair, cries* Happy Birthday Sir Chef! -TheMage18
happy birthday!!slightly late but better late then a kick to the balls!!! -starfishmagnet
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28.
An Apropos Error Message
Enduser is having problems with their home PC. They bring it in (with my permission) to have it checked out. Run Maxtor's Diagnostic on the drive. Returned error code:
DEAD-9D79
Yup, that about sums it up!
[By: SwedishChef]
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Funny, the only error I get using apropos is <term>: nothing appropriate. (Runs to *nix LART shelter) -mhesseltine
ROTFFLMFAO!!! -snowcrash
On older products with EPROMS, we had a label on each chip with part number and checksum. On board happened to get a chip with a checksum of BAD 076- got a few calls because of that. -LaserGuru
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29.
Happy Birthday Mrs. SwedishChef!
Just wanted to let everyone know that today is Mrs. SwedishChef's 40th birthday.
We've been married 7 years this June, and together for 12 years. I wouldn't change a moment of it. If I can be selfish enough to request a birthday wish for her, it is that we are able to celebrate her 80th birthday together, and our 47th wedding anniversary that same year.
I love you, dear.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Happy Birthday Mrs. SwedishChef! All the best to you both. -teivrann
You _do_ realize her age can be computed from that information... She probably didn't want you telling everyone her age. Anyways, Happy ...um... 29th birthday! -maciarc
Happy birthday Mrs. Swedish Chef!! -ecoli
You DO realize that he said right off what her age was? -illiterate
Happy Birthday, Mrs. Chef! :) -snowcrash
Happy birthday to TSC's Mrs. (SwedishChef) Cleaver! -Grue
Happy Birthday, Mrs.Chef, and many happy returns! -halfstarfish
Happy, happpppyyyy birthday, Mrs. SwedishChef! -Tekkie
Happy Birthday Bork Bork Bork. -ProfessorFrink
Happy Birthday Mrs. SwedishChef! Jeez, you're catching up to me, now... <grin> -chazz
Happy Anniverseries (and may there be many more!) -Zoomer
Happy Birthday Mrs SC!!! (in my best Fonzie voice) -Answerboy
happy birthday Mrs. Chef -rhiannon
Aww!! So sweet, so sweet! Congrats AND happy B-day!!! Also, thank you for feeding Mr' Sweedish Chef so he can keep telling of tales of suspense. We know you want to kill him sometimes, but we love him too. -RA
Many happy returns of the day, Mrs. Chef! -Mango
Happy Birthday, Mrs. Chef! Many happy returns! -sassicatz
Happy Birthday! and if i may say so, it seems you've marries a silver tough devil. have him put it to good use on this day that is yours. be selfish. -Harm
take her out for a nice dinner -Deadagent
Happy B-Day -RandalGraves
Forgive the more somber wishes, but... May your continued years not be as challenging as my wife's last 3. (And, of course, Happy birthday) -ShujinTribble
Is this a starred members only meeting? Oh, what the hell! <crashing party> Happy Birthday Ms. S! :D -TheGhost
Happy Birthday Mrs.'Chef! BTW, you do realise, don't you, that if you'd murdered the 'Chef on your wedding night you'd have been out by now? My commiserations... <bfek9g> -Gromit
Many Happy Borks! -Ulfgaard
Happy Birthday Mrs. SwedishChef. Chef, here's hoping you get your (not at all selfish) wish. -JustAGirl
Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -rockytech
Tillykke med fdselsdagen! (Happy birthday in danish) -Salsita
Happy Birthday. Tech love always make me happy :) -modeski
Happy Birth day!!! -Shane
Yewdi dewydi fewdi Hoppy borkday! -lineswine
You should make her a stellar dinner Chef. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHUGGA!!! -burrkiss
A very happy birthday to the "better half". Me and Mrs Rokitt wish you many more blessed years to come! :) -rokitt
A very happy birthday Mrs. Chef, and many more. -phsspok
belated antipodean happy birthday thinkings - and awww, that was so sweet! -timelady
Happy Birthday, and Many Happy Returns Of The Day! (now slap that man silly for mentioning a number associated with your nativity <Grin>) -CTYankee
*brings a starfish pie* Just for you since your husband prepares us such incredible cuisines! -TheMage18
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30.
You are now entering the Twilight Zone
There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area that we call the Twilight Zone.
Thats right, folks. The SwedishChef has obviously left the real world and stepped into some sort of Bizarro World. It happened precisely when I crossed the threshold into my place of employ.
Im afraid there wont be much in the way of amusement in this post. Its just too damned depressing. Ill just give you the highlights.
Kenny installs SAV 9 as a Parent SAV Server on the network. Illegally.
Kenny installs SAV SMTP Scanner, bringing down e-mail for half the company.
Kenny and Kermit begin trying to resolve the e-mail issue, and discover that the new SAV Server refuses to talk to the SAV 7.6 Clients.
Kenny decides to resolve the SAV Client issue by doing a push install to all clients. Illegally. And he did it during the middle of the workday.
Kenny had previously installed Spybot Search & Destroy on half the client machines, with the TeaTimer function, and had advised the end users to DENY ALL CHANGES that it warns them about. (Can you see where this is going?)
Several machines bluescreen due to partial install of SAV 9 Client due to TeaTimer denying access to the registery.
Several other machines fail to properly uninstall SAV 7.6 client, so experience other errors.
Despite being advised that SAV 9 will not work properly with Exchange 5.5, Kenny installs it on our mailserver since the SMTP scanner wasnt working. This results in Kenny having to rebuild the mailserver until midnight.
Kenny unilaterally decides that hes not coming in until this afternoon, despite the chaos with the endusers. This is quickly vetoed by a higher-up.
Kenny arrives, after I have figured out the proper steps to resolve the issues with the end user. Kenny is given a copy of the procedure. Kenny decides that he will resolve it his own way. His way fails, and Im forced to clean up his clean up of his mess. All day long.
Big boss, who is on holidays, learns of the problem when several managers call him to complain about Kennys actions. An e-mail is sent to all the managers at the end of the day. The gist of it is 1) *I* am to listen to *Kenny* concerning all matters involving SAV. 2) If anyone says anything that can be construed as negative about Kenny, they will be subject to discipline, up to and including termination.
Well, folks, I cant make this shit up. I really wish I was, but its too bizarre for anything but the Twilight Zone. Suffice to say, SwedishChef is now looking for new employment in the GTA. If you need someone who is a jack-of-all-trades, hardware certified and doesnt drool when talking to customers, please whiteboard me. The inmates are obviously running the insane asylum; and I need to get out while I still have my sanity.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Looks like your servers aren't the only thing Kenny is 'servicing' in order to have a job like that. I wish you the best of luck in your search, and all the best retaining what relevant parts of your sanity you have. -teivrann
The big boss LIKES Kenny? WTF??? Please have some of my job-hunting car-mah. -snowcrash
Chef...did Kenny bribe/blow/sleep with this manager starfish? -halfstarfish
Folks, I honestly don't know. I strongly suspect that there is some sort of blackmail going on somewhere, because I can't think of anything else. And it's not a manager that sent this. It's the owner of the company. I know when I'm fighting a losing battle, and now is the time for me to retreat. -SwedishChef
Me thinks a serious Departing Nuclear LART is getting primed right about now.... and Chef, if you DON'T.. I'll be really dissapointed. (Not that you should really care.. I mean, I don't have a star yet or nuthin'.) -ShujinTribble
Oh, I've got a MASSIVE LART ready for when I leave. The fallout cloud will darken most of Southern Ontario. When it happens, I'll happily post the details. -SwedishChef
Kenny is probably related to the company owner. -Wraith556
What. The. Flying. Fuck? So let me see, Kenny disables, destroys, and otherwise farks up things for.. half at least of the company, and yet, Kenny is designated TechGod? That's just... insane. Much karma headed your way, 'Chef.. -Mahal
Oh my God, The server got killed by Kenny! You bastards!</Bad South Park parody>. Seriously though it sounds like you're getting reamed, but Kenny is the one taking it up the ass. -lineswine
I agree, Wraith, kenny is probably the owners son, brother, and aunty all in one, as well as his lover. Chef... omg that sucks :/ Channeling karma your way.... -Inphinity
Is the "Business Software Alliance" active on your side of the border? -Grue
"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity." - The inside of the cranium of any starfish including Kenny. -redevil34
Damn that sucks Chef, sound like he's related. Try to set him up to do another unauthorised upgrade and go on holiday just before he does it, two weeks of mayhem is bound to cause his dad/uncle/cousin/bumchum to get sick of him as well. Or better still find a better job at higher pay while on holiday & don't come back. Good luck! -PID1
You can have some of my jobhunting Karma too. Life, stranger and more annoying, than fiction. -Psudo
As an aside, you know my life's boring when 'Chef promises a story and I sit here refreshing the "Click here to see all the stories SwedishChef has submitted" page. And to 'Chef, job finding karma on its way. I gotta say that the Kenny stories are entertaining for us to say the least, but not worth your sanity. I have no clue what's going on with the owner, but it sadly sounds like you're fighting a losing battle. -Mango
GTA.. gimmi a day or too. I may know of something right up your alley. -Harm
Kill kenny. no seriousely. dead. painfully. very very painfully. -Harm
I'd suggest planning on being sick for a week if you can afford it. When Kenny is allowed to run amok unchecked, it sounds like your boss will have to hire consultants to clean up after Kenny, at company cost. And you'll have a whole week to look for sane employers, while management learns of Kenny's incompetance first-hand. And as Grue said, there's always the BSA. Good luck Chef, I'll send what little Karma I can spare. -HidariMak
I agree with HidariMak.. You're sick, right? Sick of Kenny and the boss? -NightSteel
Chef, I've been working in a McVerges for 5 years and that is more fucked up than anything I've seen here. -StylinTechie
Chef, I feel your pain. I also constantly have to clean up my bosses messes. His boss is a girl and wants to sleep with him (or is?) and her boss enjoys having his butt so well kissed every day. (If nothing else my boss is a GREAT butt kisser.) But how can these people not see that this guy is total moron? I just don't get it. I have a wife, daughter, and number 2 on the way, so I just have to bite my tongue and wait for something better. My boss is also looking for something else (is there really anywhere else that he can go that all they want is a butt kisser with no IT skills?) and I really hope he finds one. I don't care which one of us goes... as long as one of us goes soon. But just know that you are not alone! I am also sending a truck full of job finding Karma your way. Best of luck! -Shane
OMG, it sounds like you work where I do, we've been having massive issues with the network at work due to IT trying to push some upgrades through. Their solution? Ghost all the comps back to original and don't let anyone back anything up or tell them first. Bye bye two months of work I've done for the Quality department, the CS group and all of my own personal work aides. grrrrrrrrrr. -frprinterwiz
Chef I feel your pain...we just had that EXACT same SAV roll out problem with older machines. Luckily i work with compitent techs that test there stuff first and had it fixed before end users noticed. I Pray kenny has an "accident" on his way home tonight and fails to come into work. -xtc46
In the meanwhile, Chef, to save your sanity and peace of mind, may I suggest 'white mutiny'? Obey *all* orders, exactly as stated, without using any common sense (except for getting the orders in writing).
Also be willing to work to fix it, at overtime rates (give this about 6 months).
BTW, isn't Kenny the boss' kid or something? -CTYankee
Baseball bat. I need the baseball bat. You found it? Good. Now where's that Wiffle-Ball-Headed Fucknugget?! -vacuumtubes
I'm sorry, but Kenny needs killing! As for the boss, sounds like he deserves what he is going to get. I hope you find something else soon - they're waaay to stupid to deserve you anyway... -PTSTech
I'm with CTY, get all orders documented and follow them to the letter, once someone realises its all farked, suggest that you 'might' be able to fix it if given enough overtime -Westgate
I feel for you Chef. Remember, document, document, document, document, document, document, document, document, document. When you leave and the Software Licensing Enforcement folks come along, you know where the fingers are going to point! (Unfairly though it is)
Igor is lining up a Kag-O-Karma for you. Should be on your doorstep any second now. -ecoli
This is insane situation you are in. Much Karma on your way for finding a new work asap. Meanwhile, what Ecoli said: document! And if you can, couple of sick days to relieve the stress is a good idea. Just make sure your bosses can't reach you during you being off. -NordicPT
Verily, 'tis an outrage! Tons of Karma coming your way, Chef. Here's hoping that you find a job where they appreciate thy culinary/tech mastery. -Evilturnip
Wow, someone needs to unscrew his head from his rectum and then stick it back on his neck instead. that realyl bites, 'Chef; I'll send lots of happy thoughts your way, flying on the backs of the winds and in the light of the sun... -taieena
I agree with some of the others. Kenny's GOT to be related to the boss somehow. Or maybe he's dating the boss' daughter. Or maybe he gets the boss' drugs for him. You know what kind I mean. -kman52000
Good luck with the job hunt. Hopefully the next place you work won't be so political. Although... hate to say it, it shows what happens when your piped at the post reporting things up the chain. -fearmyroot
Wow...that just doesn't make sense. Perhaps the book of BOFH can give you guidance on what to with Kenny. -Firthy2002
"Darken Southern Ontario"?! Oh, crap.. we're almost neighbors.. Except that you have the nicer part of "The Falls" -ShujinTribble
"....Wiffle-Ball-Headed Fucknugget?!" - I am SO glad I was not drinking / eating anything when I read that... you just made my day. -ShujinTribble
Seems to me the best thing to do (once you are out of that trap-called-a-job) is to let Kenny have his way with the network -- it will probably be the best lart to the owner! (When the entire network goes down for the count, and Kenny won't be able to bring it back up!) -Captain Trips
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31.
'Chef vs TweedleDee & TweedleDum
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! 'Tis I, the ever-lovin' SwedishChef, here to regale you with yet another tale of silliness and general starfishiness! Tonight's fare is a celebration of Spring, and therefore is a BBQ. Yes, I know I had one not long ago, but who doesn't love a good BBQ? Grilled vegetables, burgers, hotdogs, steaks, kebobs, ribs and wings galore! And the finest selection of beers from around the world! Tonight's tale involves the good 'Chef facing off against a sales drone.
Our hero has been doing a big upgrade project for a client these past two months. Several dozen desktop upgrades and now a server consolidation. It is good work. Mentally challenging work. And it keeps our hero out of the office, which means he doens't have to deal with his co-irkers on a frequent basis. However, he still has to deal with the sales drones, as they have to order the components for the client.
So, our hero spells out, in an e-mail so that it's fully documented, exactly what the client needs. A new server, decent processor, 2 SCSI drives in RAID for OS, 3 SCSI drives in RAID for data storage, 1gb RAM, tape drive capable of backing up the data, and Windows Server 2003. Now, being a technician, SwedishChef figures it's not his job to point out that all this should come PRE-CONFIGURED from the manufacturer. After all, when one orders a server from IBM, one specifies what one wants in the server, IBM quotes you a price, and then builds it before shipping it to you.
But, of course, if the sales drone wasn't a starfish, you wouldn't be reading this story, now would you?
Sadly, two days ago, a tape drive showed up at the office. Today, the server arrived. However, neither item came with the hardware that would allow the tape drive to be mounted into the server. See, the tape drive was in a metal case that allowed it to fit into a 5.25 drive. But, the DELL server case is proprietary, and one can't screw the tape drive into place. One must mount it on rails that allow it to slide into place. But, no rails are present. And why wasn't the tape drive already installed, you ask? Simple. In order to save $50 (yes, FIFTY DOLLARS), it was decided by Sales Drone TweedleDum that a third party tape drive would be ordered.
Of course, it gets better. Not only was there no way to mount the drive into the case, but there was no controller card. Nor was there a cable to connect the drive to the non-existant controller card. Now, being somewhat resourceful, our hero did find a controller card and cable in the lab that would work with the tape drive. And, he was hoping to be able to jury-rig some sort of rail system to mount the drive with. But, alas, he was stymied by one last little problem. There was no power connector in the server. See, the DELL server had a backplane that connected it's proprietary devices directly to their data connections and their power connections. Sadly, the tape drive was not one of these devices.
So, now our hero is in a right foul mood. Expecting to be able to just load the OS and go, he finds himself trying to get the square peg to fit into the round hole. He's had enough. He calls down TweedleDum.
"Good sir, please return this device to the supplier. It does not meet the requirements as laid out in my original e-mail!" spake the 'Chef.
"Verily, good Chef, I shall do so. But, what shall we do for the customer then?" squeaked TweedleDum.
"Well, if you had done your job properly the first time, you would have informed DELL that you needed a tape drive installed in the server. Since you failed in that task, I would suggest you contact DELL and inform them of the error of your ways and have them ship us all the appropriate equipment post-haste! That includes a new tape drive, the appropriate controller board, cables, etc." retorted our hero.
"So it shall be, sir 'Chef!" burbled TweedleDum, and off he toddled to do what was required.
Several moments later, our hero gets a call on his phone from TweedleDum. "Good 'Chef, I have the rails and cables on order. They will be here on Monday."
"And when shall the tape drive be arriving?"
"Well, umm, Sales Drone TweedleDee said you could use the tape drive that we already have."
Sigh.
So, now 'Chef must find TweedleDee. As fortune would have it, he strolled over to the 'Chef's desk not more than two minutes later. "TweedleDee, why did you countermand my request for a new tape drive?" snarled the 'Chef.
"Because I figured that it would be faster to install it than to wait for the proper one to arrive." replied TweedleDee, smirking like he's just discovered the delights of picking his nose in private.
"Ah. I see. So, in order to save *me* time, you decided to keep the existing tape drive? This, despite the fact that I have already determined that it will not work with the server, as it requires a controller card that will work with both it and the server, and rails to mount it with? Neither of which we currently have, and we have to wait for anyways? Not to mention the fact that there still wouldn't be a way to POWER IT UP? And how, exactly, does that save me time? Or, by saying you're going to save me time, you mean that I don't have to wait any longer to shove it up your ass for being stupid, and that you'll drop your drawers right now so I can begin the insertion process?" barked our royally pissed Knight of the LART.
"Umm, well, since you put it that way, I'll go call DELL and have them expidite all the components as well as the proper tape drive. Just to save you some time later. OK?" quivered TweedleDee, looking like he'd just had the head of his favourite Barbie doll ripped off and stomped on.
And thus we learn once again to not piss off the 'Chef. When I ask for something, give me EXACTLY what I asked for. That way, if there is a mistake, it is my fault, and I have to deal with it. If you go and change things "just because", you'll most likely fuck them up and cause me headaches. And when I get headaches because of this, I relieve my stress by killing stupid sales drones. It's cheaper than buying Tylenol.
[By: SwedishChef]
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One question: when have salesdrones NOT fucked things up? (Oh, another question: WHERE'S THE FRIGGIN' MEAD?) (Can you tell what I like to drink?) -Captain Trips
<Hands Trips the mead> sorry.. but its damned good. umm i, yes i was. The case is under my butt. ahh sales drones- the arch nemesis of actually getting things done properly. What won't they do for a commision and appearing valuable? oh yea.. Tell the truth or do what they are supposed to do. -Harm
"Your Highness, the pesants are revolting!"..."Yes, they are arn't they. PULL." <Poorly quoted: History of the World, Part 1> -Psudo
"burbled"..Ha! -audiomagi
That happened to my father before he retired. Someone in purchasing trying to be a big shot and save a few bucks by not following specifications. The guy had to take half a sick day to recover from the verbal thrashing. -clockkingfl
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32.
SwedishChef Achieves Nerdvana!
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! It is I the effervescent SwedishChef here to entertain and delight you with another tale of starfish silliness. Tonights fare will be in honour of spring, and will consist of a BBQ! Hamburgers, Chicken Burgers, Veggie Burgers, ribs, wings, and similar succulents will be available for all to enjoy. A fine selection of Canadian Beers and Irish Ales will also be available, in honour of my Canadian/Irish heritage.
Not too long ago, our hero was onsite at a favourite customer. Now, our hero gets along quite well with all the members of this company, and enjoys sharing a jape or three with them when he is onsite. It is one of these japes that shall be shared with you tonight.
Our hero was deep in the bowels of a dismantled laptop. Said laptop had a main board that was having a spat with its I/O daughter board, and not allowing the system to communicate with the network. Not an uncommon occurrence with this particular model of laptop, and SwedishChef was there to replace the naughty main board with a more amicable one.
It was at this point, sitting at a desk, parts and screws strewn about, that a member of the client company approached our hero. Said person looked at the desk, looked at the parts, and then looked at SwedishChef and uttered a line that sarcastic techs like our hero wait their entire lives for.
SF statement: So, are you repairing the laptop?
Oh joy! Oh bliss! A straight-line delivered straight from Tech Heaven!
Without missing a beat, our hero looked up at the starfish and replied, Nope. I dismantled it to steal the gold plating to sell for crack. Heres your sign!
And thus we learn, gentle readers, that if one is patient, one shall have Manna from Heaven delivered unto them eventually. So, for all of you who waiting for your chance to utter a sarcastic phrase, followed by Heres your sign! be patient. It will one day be your turn.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Now that's one for the books. Nice one! *grin* -teivrann
Ahh...the opportunity (and the wit!) to use the blessed "here's yer sign." I wish I had been there to watch. Truly. -PaseoGuy
Thanks for the veggie burgers, Chef! This vegetarian tech salutes you and your witty stories! -Evilturnip
*Accepts the Irish Ale in honor of her own Irish heritage and salutes the Chef* Indeed, a reason to celebrate! Nice job, Swedish Chef! -halfstarfish
One jape with strawberries and whipped cream please... -LaserGuru
*Drinks the ale* Niiiiceeeeeee one.... *hiccup* -Veinor
what no wenches???? i want the wenches! -neuman1812
i need a 10mm and a 12mm if you go them :) -neuman1812
Hands Neuman a WINCH. Here, but I need it back, my driveway is un-solid mud from all the rain Crap on Lackawanna has been getting. -halfstarfish
Hands Neuman my sister. "Careful, she's needy" -TheMage18
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33.
Son of a Starfish.
It is with saddened heart that I stand before you and admit this.
Today, while visiting my father, I stumbled upon a sight that made my heart quail. Entering my parents bedroom to retrieve an item, I discovered that a bandage had been affixed over the display of the VCR. Lifting up a corner, I learned that the reason that the bandage was there was because my father is a 12:00 flasher.
Sigh. I tried and I tried to educate him. Sometimes you just cant win.
If anyone needs me, Ill be in the LART Shelter trying to remove the SF genes with alcohol. Who knows when theyll express themselves?
[By: SwedishChef]
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"My condolences on your meltdown, Chris..." </Real Genius> -Ulfgaard
Let me confess that I've never set the clock on a VCR myself, because there's not a damn thing broadcast that's worth recording. -concept14
My PVR/dish sets its clock automatically. Unfortunately it seems that when it shifted from MST to MDT last night, it didn't take into account that the programming would be shifted one hour too. I got either half of a program (for a 2 hour show) or whatever was coming on just before or just after it. -Jay911
I can empathise, as my father seems to have become much fishier since I've started doing tech work again. This is the man that got me started in computers (my first one to use was a VIC20 with one of the tape drives - before disc drives), and taught me some of what I know. Yet, he didn't seem to comprehend setting up a wireless network, and lacked any comprehension of a dun connectoid (finding it or getting the settings from it) in Windows XP <sigh> Got any more alcohol wipes left? :) -PCRaevyn
We have a 12:00 flasher VCR in our family room -- but that's only because you need the original remote to access that part of the menu that lets you change the date/time. Not even the "menu" button on a properly programmed universal remote will get us to that specific function. I've tried, so many times to the point of realizing it just ain't possible any more. So it isn't only starfish that flash 12:00! -Captain Trips
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34.
More Handicap LARTs
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! Tis I the magnificent and modest SwedishChef here to gladden your day with yet another tale of starfish stupidity. Tonights fare will introduce us to the delights of Egypt, featuring such delights as Ful Medames, Bamia and Ma'loobet el Bedingan, plus wine from Omar El Khayam.
As was mentioned in the last story, SwedishChef has had some run ins with morons who seem to feel that their stupidity and ignorance qualifies them as handicapped. Now, as we all know, they *are * handicapped, just not in a way that most people would consider a real handicap. So, SwedishChef delights in pointing out their stupidity in the most embarrassing ways. Today, however, he had help.
Again, our hero went to retrieve his wife from her place of toil. Parking in front of the store, he sat and waited. The spot he had parked in was right next to one of the designated handicapped spots. Sure enough, within moments, an able bodied moron and his equally capable wife pulled into the spot with her exiting immediately and entering the store. Turning to look out his passenger window, our hero again observed the lack of a proper permit. Time to embarrass another fool!
Rolling down his passenger window, our hero politely tapped his horn to get the attention of the driver of the other vehicle. The person in question lowered his window as well and looked over at SwedishChef with vacant eyes.
You know, ignorance and laziness are not recognized handicaps. There are other spots for you to park in! announced our knight.
After a moments contemplation, the other driver responded with a well thought, Fuck you!
Good sir! Verily, your rapier wit hath skewered me! Your obvious superior intellect has fatally wounded me with your grievous insult! However, I wonder if the Law Enforcement Agent who has just pulled in behind you and is just now exiting his vehicle to issue you a financial penalty shall be as amused by your obvious mental acumen!
With that, the driver of the other vehicle checked his rear view mirror, noticed that he was now blocked in and that the officer in question was indeed writing up a ticket. He could do little except curse under his breath.
So, gentle readers, we know that stupidity shall be punished. Whether by LART by one of us, or LART by another agent, stupid people will be punished. I was grateful for the appropriately timed arrival of the cop, even if it was a co-incidence. So grateful, that I exited my vehicle, asked the cop to wait for me to return, and ran over to a nearby Tim Hortons to get him a coffee as a Thank You.
[By: SwedishChef]
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awsome chef. just awsome :) Bet the cop was smiling ear to ear when ya handed him the coffee. -Harm
<bows in homage to a LART-master> -Wraith556
<Wayne & Garth> WEEEE'RE NOT WORTHY!!! </W&G> -Ulfgaard
Excellent. Him having to pay the asshole tax was the icing on the donut! -Evilturnip
Ya gotta think he's hiding some bodies if he was lined up for a LART like that. So perfect. -namor
It takes balls to call him on it, but the Ossifer was the icing!! -beatmewithstick
Top timing by both you & the lawman.
I've done a similar thing as you did with the copper though. Feb 2003, a Starbucks in Manhattan. It was bloody freezing outside & a couple of the cities' finest were in the queue ahead of us. Just before they paid for their drinks, I got to use a classic line "Yer money is no good here". After a little confusion they gratefully took the drinks. It was the weekend that a load of protests were on against a GATT meeting being held. -lineswine
As a person with a proper permit (spinal injury, but able to walk some), I'd like to thank you for this LART. Thou art indeed an Knight and I salute you. -Bilkor
"Officer, I think I seen him try to stuff some plastic bag down his pants.. might have to take him downtown...." -kryliss
You rock, Chef! I think it's great that someone is taking these lumps down... -PTSTech
Get the dogs! Get the dogs!! -vacuumtubes
Release the hounds!! -Armakuni
*stands to give a round of applause* -kman52000
"Ha Haa"</Nelson Muntz> -VIPERsssss
Beautiful! <wipes tear from eye> -sassicatz
"Cry havoc and let slip the Chef of war!" </Paraphrase Julius Caesar, Act 3 Scene 1, Teh Bard> -maciarc
I have a good friend who is a quadriplegic and I have on occasion had to drive him in his customized van to certain places of business. This van has a small electric ramp that will extend from the sliding side door. Yes I have extended that into a parked car because people thought they could park on the white striped area instead of a regular parking spot. -FrontSideBus
I love it!
I use to issue Parking tickets on behalf of the City of Toronto - he's looking at a $500 voluntary fine or $1000 set fine!
Sucks to be him! -compaq42
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35.
Ignorance is not a Handicap! (NT)
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! Tis I the honourable and joyful SwedishChef, here to entertain you with another mirthful tale of starfish silliness! Tonights fare features wonderful delights from one of the oldest civilizations, Greece! Delicacies include Mousakas, Galopoula gemisti and Spanakopita, and will be followed by generous amounts of Ouzo! Tonights frivolity is not tech in nature, but does involve general starfishiness.
Lady Chef works at a local pharmaceutical retail outlet. Said retailer has seven parking spaces in the immediate front of the building. Five of these spaces are general parking. The two closest to the entrance/exit of the building are specifically designated for people with physical handicaps. In the Province of Ontario, one can apply to the provincial government to obtain a special permit allowing one to park in such spaces. Having obtained such a permit does not necessarily allow anyone to park in said spot. The person who was issued the permit must accompany the driver to allow said driver to park in the spot. This is to prevent fraudulent use of the permits. It is an effective system. However, as always, there are those who believe they are above the law.
This evening, our hero arrived at the retail outlet to pick up his wife from work. Being 9 p.m. on a Sunday evening, there were very few customers. In fact, only three of the spaces in front of the store were occupied. Two of them were general parking. One was a handicapped spot.
Our hero parked his own vehicle in a general spot, between the other two vehicles, and exited. To enter the store, he had to walk past the handicap spot. Observing the 2005 BMW parked there, he briefly admired the engineering. Then he noticed that there was no permit on display in the front windshield (or windscreen, for those of you from across the pond). It was also observed that the car was idling, with the driver sitting there, with his window slightly opened, about to place a call on his cell phone. He was dressed rather nattily in a woollen overcoat, with cotton blend sweater and cotton knit shirt. All of this basically screamed, I make lots of money and am important in my own mind! Look at me! to the viewer. Too bad for him, SwedishChef was the viewer.
Without bothering to conceal his contempt or ire, SwedishChef looked Mr. Self-Important right in the eye and said in a loud, clear voice, You know, ignorance is not a recognized handicap!
The stunned look on his face was priceless. His eyes grew as large as saucers and completely lost focus for a moment. How dare someone confront him about his stupidity! Then the flush blossomed up his neck like crimson fire as he realized that he was in the wrong. He then hung up his phone, put the car in reverse, and moved to another parking space, this one not marked by a handicap sign.
Folks, how hard is it to walk ten fucking feet to the front door? The spots are designated for people who have physical difficulties. Its not a difficult concept to understand. If you dont have a permit, you cant park there. It doesnt matter how quick you will be. It doesnt matter if youre just waiting for your spouse to come out. It doesnt matter if its raining, snowing or raining fire. If you are not disabled and you do not have a permit, you are not allowed to park in these spots. Take your car, park in a regular spot, and walk the extra distance. Your lazy ass could use the exercise.
[By: SwedishChef]
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An excellent LART... well delivered, and very effective. -chazz
Very well done, as always - both the story and the LART! -teivrann
It's a common problem. I'm about 10 miles outside of Washington,DC and you would not believe the laziness of some people. In my local shopping center, there are 6 HC spaces. I can't tell you how many times I've had to LART some jerk for taking one for no good reason. Keep in mind, I'm the only means of transportation for my wife who is in a wheelchair (RLBK Amputee). And I'm amazed how many people *do* get a permit. Just because you're fucking over 60 DOESN'T give you the right to take a HC space. Just because you're "Just running into Starbucks for a minute" or "Just picking up your chinese food" Doesn't mean I'm not about to fucking BLOCK YOUR IGNORANT ASS in the FUCKING SPACE while I unload my wife's wheelchair. And when I do, DIETY help you if you've got the balls to say 1 fucking word about it! -Necros
Necros, I applaud you for blocking them in. Would that I could, but it would be illegal for me to do so, and I would wind up with the ticket (gotta love Canadian Justice!). However, I am happy to report that patrols have increased in my area, and I have observed no less than three people getting tickets for being illegally parked. And the fines went up two years ago. Minimum is something like $250, if I remember correctly. Should be $2500. -SwedishChef
Hurrah!!! Another pet peeve gets a well deserved LARTing!! Several lifetimes ago, the wife of the Prez kept parking in a h'cap spot... right outside the Help Desk windows.... Every time she'd park there, one of the techs would call Public Safety, & we'd all gather around and laugh as the wrecker took her caddy to impound (again!).... -Ulfgaard
Oh Dear Chef, I think I love you. My spouse to be is very much legally entitled to our parking permit (being unable to walk 800 metres in 20 minutes without white cane, hearing aid or cochlear implant) so I applaud you and hope you continue on your quest for fine justice, and parking spots for those of us who really NEED them. -Mysty
Devil's advocate for a moment here. Where I am, the handicap spaces are sometimes very poorly marked. Is it possible he didn't notice the sign? (Here's your sign jokes welcome) -Calydor
Bravo, SC - for more on this subject, check http://www.tardsite.com/handicap.htm - and especially http://www.tardsite.com/trdomnth032000.htm -Jay911
I once saw an officer of the law administering LARTs to non-handicapped people. He was in the back of the parking lot with a clear view of the special parking spaces. It was a weekend and very busy with few 'good' spaces available. When a car would park in the handicap spot he'd drive up behind the car (after the driver went in the store) and check for the permit. He would then get out his ticket book, write a parking ticket and then go back to his hiding spot. I'm sure he managed to make many people learn that stupidity is sometimes punished. -Starfury
Old codger came into the RadioShack I worked at to complain about the truck used by a band to unload in the bar next door, which was taking up part of the handicapped spot. He went on about how he was old and decrepit, and could have DIED walking from his car to the store -- and demanded I call 911 to report this. (Not the proper use of the 911 emergency system. 999 to you across the pond.) He stood there and waited/watched for me to make that call. So once I'd satisfied him and he made some more comments about attending his funeral if he doesn't make it to his car parked soooo far away (he made it sound like he parked by the laundromat at the other end of the stripmall!) he walked out and I went to the glass door to make sure he made it back. HE PARKED IN THE SPOT NEXT TO THE HANDICAPPED SPOT. Now, don't get me wrong, he had every right to the handicapped spot and the truck did not. But do NOT give me a ration of feces and do your Fred Sanford "I'm dyin', Lizbeth!" act if the difference between A and B is seven feet. -Mushroom
BRAVO SC! Like Necros and Mysty, I have a spouse who qualifies for and has obtained a permit such as you describe and I get SO MAD when those spaces are taken up by people who aren't entitled to them. Minimum fine in this state is $116 US. -purplelinguist
Right on, Chef! I hate these guys... -hkypipe
SC- I applaud the lart, heartily and with much merriment. That said, some of you have met me and know I wear a brace, and walk with a limp. I am eligible for but do not carry a handicap plate/card... for I feel I do not yet need one. Save the spots for the serious gimps and all that... if I can walk 10, 20, 60 feet into a store, so can you and your wife/sister and inbreedlings, slackjaw! -HappyCrappy
A-Farkin-men. I agree entirely with ANYONE who'll block these bastards in. I'm not surprised it was a BMW driving "The-sun-shines-out-of-my-arse" self important wankstain. The park like they drive...with fuck all regard for anyone else. -lineswine
In this state, if the driver is at the wheel and the motor is running, you are not legally parked. =0) -sajwaite
Mmmmmmm. Ouzo! Served in a tall shot glass, with three or four whole roast coffee beans in the bottom of the glass.... -LoTech
sajwaite , Parked/idling/obstruction of a space designated for HC use IS a violation. Idling for more than 5.5 minutes in most states is also considered against the law ... which we've gotten people on in the past. The best one is the woman who leaves her 2 brats in the car while going idling so she can get here java and it's over 90 degrees with no A/C and the windows closed / doors unlocked. Let's just say the cop started writing the tickets while calling child protective services on the cellphone. -Necros
Okay, another devil's advocate position: some people DO qualify for the permits even though their handicaps (disabilities, to be politically correct) are not visible. Heart patients come in at the top of the list in this state. Even though they seem to be able to walk normally, they may not be able to walk from the back of the parking lot. Also, my wife has polio and some days are better than others. She goes from no visible problem to needing a wheelchair. Of course, this is not meant in any way to be construed as supporting this jerk -- BMW's and cell phones (yes, and ignorance)are not enough in and of themselves to qualify, and he obviously did not have the needed permit anyway. -Captain Trips
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36.
More College Silliness
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! Tis I, the irascible SwedishChef here to entertain you with yet another tale of mirth and merriment! Tonights fare is in honour of the French. They may not be able to win a war, but they certainly can feed their soldiers. We are featuring such delicacies as Steak with Red Wine Sauce and Broccoli, Chateaubriand with Creamy Shallot Sauce, Brie Stuffed Chicken Breasts and for dessert, Chocolate Boules with Strawberry Beaujolais Sauce.
We will once again journey back to SwedishChefs days of college for tonights tale. This tale also features a double-edged LART, which will hopefully satisfy all our guests.
As has been mentioned in other tales, our hero originally studied Law Enforcement during his first tenure at college. This was ultimately a partially wasted period of time for our hero, as he was never able to discipline himself properly to meet the physical demands, but the knowledge gained was rather useful. As well, he was able to refine his skills in the Zen of the Art, which is never a wasted time.
During this fateful day, two of the Chefs fellow students decided to engage each other in the Sweet Science, but without the Marquis of Queensburys rules being observed. Actually, it was more of a donnybrook than anything else. Since both the participants were female, it was an added shock to the rest of the student body. But, as it didnt involve him (as much as he may have fantasized about two women fighting over him), SwedishChef more or less ignored the whole debacle as much as he could.
Sadly, the instructor of the class that was scheduled right after the altercation felt that this was a topic worthy of replacing her entire lecture. She took it upon herself to engage the entire class in a discussion of the events that led up to the altercation, as well as an attempt at resolving it.
This did not sit well with our hero. So he took the opportunity to catch up on some much needed rest by napping at his desk. This, apparently, was a blasphemy.
Good Chef, what are your thoughts on the matter at hand? inquired the instructor.
Verily, good maam, I do not wish to involve myself, as it does not concern me., replied our hero.
But, good Chef, it does! Two of thine classmates are involved! Surely you have some thoughts on the matter?
Very well, if you insist. I feel that the two combatants were behaving like spoiled 10-year-old children. Their fight was the result over a disagreement about ones style of clothing. I would have figured that by the time one leaves high school, one would be above such petty silliness, but they have proved me wrong. Furthermore, it is rather ironic that two students who profess to want to enter careers in Law Enforcement would so quickly commit Assault and Battery upon each other, and I am in fact mildly surprised that they are not currently facing such charges, as there are numerous witnesses to this crime. Thirdly, I have paid good money to attend this Institute of Higher Learning, and am upset that you have decided to play a psychiatrist with delusions of adequacy. If it werent for the fact that my refund for this one lost class would be less than the cost of lunch, I would right now be in the registrars office requesting such recompense. Now, may I go back to my nap, or would you like to hear more of my opinions on the matter?
Are any of my readers truly surprised that the Chef was allowed to resume his slumber, uninterrupted by any more silly requests?
And thus we learn, gentle readers, that stupidity abounds where you least expect it. And that I will only give you the respect that you earn, not that you think you deserve, whatever your position may be. And you will face my wrath if you waste my time. Ultimately, the two combatants in question kissed (figuratively) and made up, and everyone graduated the next year. Whatever became of them afterwards, I know not, as I never really got along with any of my classmates, as many of them were really just Neanderthals looking for an easy way to gain power, and I suspect that most of them would have failed the psych test to get onto the local Police Forces.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Who was it who said "the two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity"? -Captain Trips
Harlan Ellison -TechnoVampire
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe." -- Albert Einstein -TechnoVampire
"The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity." -- Voltaire -TechnoVampire
"Never underestimate the power of human stupidity." -- Robert Heinlein -TechnoVampire
"Even if it's powered off, don't stick your tongue into a blender." - Me -Shazzai
In related news, quantum physicists discover the most dense subatomic particle in the universe... The moron. -flapjackboy
HEHEHEHE, love it!! Of course had I been in that class I probably would have been asked to leave after said comment as I would have been unable to stop laughing...which means I probably would have had to crawl out from laughing so hard. -redevil34
Ah, SwedishChef, I fear me an that thou art under a misapprehension -- that in fact there is some test of psychological fitness which will actually eliminate the power-hungry Neanderthals. Would that 'twere so... -chazz
Sounds like the time I was forced to sit through a creation theory lecture in High School biology. I laughed at the teacher the whole way through. -Bobsentme
Chazz, there is just such a test. I actually attempted to get on a local police force (twice). I passed both the IQ and Psych tests, but failed the physical (twice). The psych test is quite ... devious ... to say the least. You will be asked the same question 5 different ways. If you aren't of sound mind, you will provide at least 3 different answers without realizing it. So I have no doubt that a large number of candidates did fail. Some few, I'm sure, did make it to a police force somewhere. Most did not. In fact, I did meet up with one classmate about 5 years later on the bus. He was working as a waiter in a restaurant, having failed 3 psych tests (his words). Now, if only we could apply such tests to keep the starfish out of the gene pool. -SwedishChef
"Sometimes, I think the surest sign there is intelligent life elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us yet." - Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes. -kman52000
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37.
GBPS!
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! Tis I, the affable SwedishChef, here to entertain you with yet another fine tale! Tonights meal is in honour of our Chinese brethren, and features such delights as Raindrop Soup, Beef and Peppers in Hoi-sin Sauce, Chicken Cashew Stir Fry, Nanking Spiced Duck and a variety of rice wines. And, to appease every palate on TSC, dessert will be Diced Eggshen Fool Wong.
To give a bit of background for tonights tale, it should be known that our hero has been working onsite at a client office for the past two weeks. As stated in the story from two nights ago, the staff members properly venerate SwedishChef and occasionally appease him with offerings of donuts, candies and caffeine. And, in return, our hero does his best to do his job as perfectly and as efficiently as possible. So, there is a good working relationship between both parties, and communications tend to be more relaxed than a standard business relationship. This is a good thing, as it can produce amusing results, like tonights tale.
The other morning, Chef arrived at the client office and went into his designated work area to finish applying the various Microsoft Insecurity Patches to a system. He also began to read his favourite website (TSC) while waiting for the patches to do their patchwork. It was at this point that he was privy to a rather personal conversation between three female staff members, who were gathered around the reception desk.
SM1 SM2! Do mine eyes deceive me? Is that a new bra thou art wearing? Thou look as if thou art lifted and separated!
SM2 Yea, verily, thou art correct! I didst purchase this personal support device recently. Does it truly lift and separate mine breasts that noticeably?
SM3 Truly, SM2, it does! In fact, I wouldst describe it as a GBPS!
SM2 A GBPS? What, pray tell, is a GBPS?
SM3 A Global Breast Positioning System!
Needless to say, our hero did laugh out loud at such a phrase! As the ladies were also laughing, it was a moment before they realized that someone else was privy to their conversation.
SM2 Is that Chef I hear? Thou didst not inform me that he was present! Oh! My! God!
Verily, our hero could actually hear the blush rising on her face! To truly rub it in,as well as to view the Miracle of the Orbs, it was at that point that our hero stepped out of his room, with the biggest grin on his face, and waved saucily at the three ladies present. The one with the GBPS did beat a hasty retreat, trailing a neon red glow like a streaking comet.
And thus we learn, well, nothing really. Just that if you say or do something really silly with the Chef around, it will most likely wind up here for others to be amused by. Such is life with the Chef!
[By: SwedishChef]
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"$1500 for a leather bustier? I didn't care, it lifts and separates"</commercial> -VIPERsssss
Deja Vu! I was strolling through our main academic building yesterday and saw a female putting her hands under her breasts and talking to a male student about how her new bra emphasized her cleavage. My stomach was hurting from laughter after hearing that. She was pretty, but didn't really have any cleavage to brag about. -mccallister
Thanks for keeping us abreast of your situation. It was, shall I say, tittalating! ;p -rokitt
umm do they need another one, cause i'm avilable full time... I can lift AND seperate as WELL as keep 'em warm. ( how the hell did i just channel Burrkiss?) -Harm
<homer> BOOBIES! </homer> -lineswine
Huh! Underwear of that nature is simply for making mountains out of molehills. <g> -Gromit
I bet she'll look around next time so as not to repeat that boob. -Armakuni
Boobies Boobies Boobies Boobies Boobies Boobies Boobies Boobies Boobies Boobies Boobies Boobies Milkjugs Milkjugs! -Veinor
And every once in a while, that fleeting moment occurs that will put a smile on your face for the rest of the day. Some female-type person will perform the hidden bra-removal maneuver! -TieDyedDinosaur
"...something in, I don't know, leather, or maybe barbed wire?" </Weird Science> -missourimule
It's a breast, it's a breast, it's a breaaaasssssttttt... -hkypipe
Oh god, now I'm going to be humming the boobie version of badger badger all day.. Here's hoping I don't accidentally start singing this as (no offense intended) I'm surrounded by males all day. -Taterlain
HmmmmhmmmHmmmmhmmm MILKJUGS <hums away the new 'badger' song> -burrkiss
LOL, Harm... Chef, an old girlfriend of mine said she always developed a crush on guys who do tech support for her. Here's a load of karma coming your way... -QuinTech
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38.
Never Doubt the 'Chef!
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! Tis I, the ever so humble SwedishChef, here to delight your eyes with another tale! Tonights fare is in honour of my wifes Italian heritage, and features Chicken Scarpariello, Nonna's Spaghetti And Meatballs, Beef Carpaccio and Torta di Limone for dessert. It will also feature various Italian wines; red, white and grappa, to cleanse your palates afterwards!
Now, as some of you may have noticed, I have not been online very much this past two weeks. Verily, I have been doing onsite work for clients and have not had much time to do more than peruse the site and occasionally post a comment. Tonights story occurs during this time.
Our hero has been working hard. He is doing a PC roll out for a client. Now, most of the staff at the location does properly venerate SwedishChef, as they should any competent computer technician. Verily, they often provide him sustenance of caffeine and baked rings of sugary goodness, as well as multitudes of confections. Truly, at times it seems like a small slice of Paradise on Earth.
Sadly, the head of staff does not swim with the rest of the team. Nay, she is quite content to swim counter to whatever the current is. Now, before you all pronounce her a Pointy Haired Boss, be warned that she is a wise woman. Verily, she does swim counter to the current for a reason many times, and she is usually right. Of course, she is not correct when her views come counter to that of SwedishChef.
So, having been onsite at her location deploying laptops, desktops and PDAs, our hero has had the pleasure of being called into her office several times to fix her computer, as he had obviously not set it up correctly. This statement, of course, is uttered without regard to the evidence. Verily, the evidence does prove that the computer was working fine; as she had received e-mail quite fine earlier that day, as well as all the previous day.
Being ever the consummate professional, SwedishChef does take a look at the system. And after reading the error, he does pronounce the problem to be valid, but our hero is obviously not the source. Nay, the very error Unable to contact SMTP server, paired with the fact that their internet connection is otherwise working fine, would indicate that the problem does lie with the ISP and not with the laptop or the settings therein that were placed there by SwedishChef. And, to further prove his point, the problem was resolved one hour later by the ISP, and with no intervention by SwedishChef.
This, of course, did not deter her. Nay, the very next day she proclaimed that SwedishChef had made some other error on her system, as she could not RECEIVE e-mail now. So, our hero did enter her office and investigate. And the error was that Outlook could not contact the POP3 server this time. Finding this odd, as no one else in the office was reporting issues (unlike the previous day), our hero decided to do a bit more investigating, and very quickly discovered the problem. And he called Boss-Lady into her office and faced her with the biggest grin ever seen on his face.
So, did you fix your mistake? exclaimed She Who Doubts.
Nay, good madam. I corrected your mistake! proclaimed our hero.
Oh?
Yes maam. I plugged the network cable in and everything worked just like its supposed to!
And thus we learn yet another valuable lesson. If SwedishChef does work on your machine, and your machine functions for a while before some sort of error appears, do not look towards SwedishChef as the source of the error. Nay, look in the mirror first, as the problem is most likely staring you right in the face.
[By: SwedishChef]
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We would love to have pictures of her expression. A good description will suffice :P -teivrann
Sadly, there was no video. There were, however, 3 other witnesses. To say that her face turned a lovely shade of red is a bit of an understatement. She actually opened and closed her mouth several times, just like a fish out of water does. The laughter from the witnesses was just icing on the proverbial cake. >:) -SwedishChef
Major Mistake! Without the Video as Proof, she'll use all your "Mistakes" as an excuse to Short-Change you. -satanstech
Chef, you ROCK! -Shane
Huh? </me looks up from his third plate of spaghetti and meatballs> Oh.. Great Lart Chef, good grub <goes back to filling his face> -Armakuni
Had a similar one recently. the problem was described as "when I read an email message, it disappears". I went to the laptop & found it to be so. After a quick test (fresh email msg, etc.) it was determined that said Boss-Lady had managed to change her view to 'Unread Messages Only'. How? I haven't the froggiest <grin>, but it was fun to explain it to her. -CTYankee
/me flirts with hot Italian chick, pretending not to notice wedding ring on her finger. "Oh, er, great story!" /me has large plate of food and bottle of red sent to LART shelter -thx1138
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39.
Kenny VS. the Snow
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! Tis I, the ever entertaining SwedishChef, here to regale you with yet another tale! Tonights fare is homage to the American Football Tailgate Party to appease a certain ursine member who appears to have awoken from his hibernation a tad early and with strange cravings. We have the finest in grilled hot dogs, hamburgers, chicken wings, spare ribs and shish-ka-bobs, as well as plethora of pizzas with an assortment of toppings. And, of course, to wash it all down we are featuring the finest of Canadian beers. Yes, its an American Tailgate party, but everyone knows that Americans couldnt brew beer even if they invaded Germany and captured all the various secret brewing recipes. Todays tale of woe features Chefs most annoying nemesis Kenny!
As mentioned yesterday, Chefs town of residence received approximately 10 inches of fluffy white ice crystals. Now, being as it is winter, this doesnt come as much of a surprise to most residents. There are, of course, several starfish that suddenly forget how to drive as soon as they see snow, but they are an expected result, and can be dealt with by most other Canadians. Apparently, however, Kenny is one of the ranks of the starfish.
SwedishChef arrived at the office yesterday morning at his usual time, after having shovelled his driveway and battling his way through the morning rush hour morons. It was then that he learned of the three impending calls for the day. As related yesterday, he would be unable to attend all three calls in the time allotted, as they were rather in-depth and time-consuming calls. Seeing as two were geographically close to each other, and the third some distance away from either of those two, he decided to contact the manager and arrange for Kenny to do the third call. Sadly, before he could make such arrangements, he received an e-mail stating that Kenny would not be attending the office that day, but rather working from home.
Now, this was rather irksome to begin with. Can our hero work from home when he feels like it? Of course not! Can he take a day off when he feels like it? Not if he wants to keep his job he doesnt!
Our hero, however, did not let that deter him. Speaking to those who schedule him, he pointed out the difficulties of completing all three tasks and that the various SLAs would be better met if Kenny would make himself available to deal with one. That was when the fateful call was made.
Greetings, Kenny. How are you feeling today? SwedishChef said, oozing only partially false concern.
Greetings! I am feeling well today! replied Kenny. Shallow pleasantries and whatnot followed this exchange for a moment or two.
Pray tell, dear Kenny, would you be so kind as to complete one of these tasks, as I am rather swamped at this point in time?
Nay, good sir. There is snow on my car!
For the first time in his life, our hero was rendered completely and utterly speechless. Words cannot begin to describe the complete mental shutdown he experienced upon hearing that sentence. There may have been other things said by Kenny, but our hero has no recollection of them.
Sadly, there has not been a LART issued as of yet. I simply handed the phone off to someone else to have them deal with Kenny and I went off to the bathroom to bang my head off the tile walls, as a desk was just too soft a surface. But, despair not, faithful readers, for I shall plan a glorious LART, and when it is delivered, I shall relate all the gory details to you.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Plant 'snow' in his car and turn him in to HR for substance abuse. This guy is a waste of oxygen. -maciarc
sounds like what i say every time i'm following an idiot who cant drive in this stuff, mocking them, "oh my god whats this white stuff falling from the sky, dear god i've forgotten how to drive, and the white stuff is on my windshield, oh god its on my windshield" -rhiannon
We've had some major rainstorms go through..maybe I should call in "My car is wet" -Starfury
"Kenny, you have precisely three minutes to remove the snow from your car and start driving your ass officewards." -Geminii
Oh my God! Chef's gonna kill Kenny! -torgo
time for chef to go show Kenny what yellow snow on his car looks like :) -Armakuni
<Pulls a fresh pint of Old and Filthy, pops a tube of Pringles and settles back on the sofa to enjoy the fun...> -Gromit
Chef! You killed Kenny! [Bastard?] -Captain Trips
and hes been in Canada HOW long? why do i have the feeling the line " OMG! YOU killed KENNY! YOU Bas... Ba. BBB.. basss... "<I can't bring myself to say it - it seems so wrong in this case> -Harm
Chef, you haven't killed Kenny yet? You bastard! -SalParadise
Chef: Several dozen gallons of water poured over his car some night at 3am when the temps are well below 0 will give him a rude awakening in the morning. Not that I've ever tried this personally, you understand... -RiffRaff
Also, pouring flour all over the top of an already snowy car, especially above the air vents below the windshield, is effective. And hilarious, except for when it happened to me. Flour tastes awful when it is introduced to your car through the ventilation system. -chefque
Chef, I hate reading your stories lately. I'm on a diet and I keep reading your first paragraph and drooling! -TrainingGod
<*sounds of large animal gorging on food*> Urp! 'scuse me! Thanks Chef! And I'll ignore that quip about beer, 'cuz I bet you never had Red Tail Ale! <*yawn*> Nighty nite! -CyBear
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40.
LART by Proxy
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! Tis I, the adorable SwedishChef here to tickle your palates with good food and tingle your ears with yet another tale of stupidity! Tonights fare focuses mainly on seafood, with various sushi delights and delicacies. But, fear not, those with allergies can still dine on various other meats and vegetables without fear! And, of course, we will be featuring various vintages of sake from all over Japan. Please be kind to the serving geishas, as they are as delicate as an apple blossom, but that delicacy hides the thorns of a rose! Tonights tale focuses on a LART by proxy, delivered earlier this day.
Today was yet another typically detestable Monday. Dawn broke over fields of blown snow, upwards of 12 inches deep across Southern Ontario. Our hero was overjoyed at the required shovelling of said whiteness from his driveway. Now, said driveway is 20 feet long and 10 feet wide. It is large enough for two cars. Not huge, but it can seem that way when it is covered in 10 inches of wet snow. But, being the industrious soul that he is, our hero not only cleared it with alacrity, but he also did it early enough to allow him to make it into the office on time. Upon arrival, however, his day continued its downward spiral as he learned that he was booked to do a computer setup for a customer, five computer repairs for a second customer and a viral removal for a third. Knowing that he would be unable to attend to all three in one day, he attempted to have the first call dealt with by Kenny. That fiasco is a story for another night.
Arriving at the viral removal call, our hero did determine that the issue was, in fact, not a virus running rampant on the network, but rather it was copious amounts of malware hijacking every computer on the network. So, being ever the consummate professional, he set about cleaning the infestations.
And it was a glorious battle! Curses were uttered! The parentage of malware programmers was called into question several times and was determined to have been the result of the mating of psychotic bread mould and a manic-depressive potted plant! Programs were erased! Others were updated! And after five long hours, SwedishChef emerged victorious!
However, it almost wasnt to be. Our hero was rather distracted by the mutterings of the local sales staff in a public hallway.
At the end of the day, tired and yet strangely fulfilled, our hero presented the work order for the manager to sign. And he casually mentioned to said manager that he may wish to speak to his sales staff concerning their topics of conversation, especially in open hallways. He looked at our hero askance, but was even more surprised when his trainee sales person agreed with SwedishChef. So, being the diligent manager, he inquired of the Chef as to what the sales folks had been discussing.
Well, good sir, first they were asking your bookkeeper, a gentle soul with an obvious deficiency when it comes to fully comprehending the subtleties of the English language, what his favourites types of porn were!
Of course, this shocked the manager! Such topics were being discussed, by his sales staff, on company premises, not twenty feet from the front entrance? Scandalous!
But, sir, they truly offended when they decided to make jokes about fisting little boys.
Verily, our hero has never seen some suffering from full apoplexy before in his life. He has now.
So, let this be a lesson to any starfish that may wander onto this site. Never, ever discuss the fisting of little children. Ever. Not in public. Not in private. Not ever. For, if you do, and I am nearby, I shall be sure to make sure that your boss, your spouse, your family, your deacon and anyone else who may respect you know about it.
[By: SwedishChef]
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And you had one of his own there to back you up? Awesome! Thou dost truly reign amongst the LART dealers! -missourimule
Making comments like that in a federal pen would get them shanked and/or buggered with a broomstick. Methinks the RCMP should be taking a look at some hard drives within that company. -RiffRaff
Riff - that was my job. I'm the one who had to clean off the spyware crap. Thankfully, there was none of that shit on the PCs. Just the odd "normal" porn pic from the various pop ups they were receiving. -SwedishChef
Great LART. But still no pizza. Why do you discriminate against fast food eating bears? <grin> -CyBear
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41.
Ode to Rule One
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! Tis I, the eminently entertaining SwedishChef! The smoke salmon is sensational, the shepherds pie is delectable and the London broil is scrumptious! We have a fine selection of wines and ports available, including Quinta do Noval 1972, Chateau Pontet-Canet 1995, and the highlight - La Tache 2001. As well, the serving staff are both saucy and sweet. Todays tale will take us back to earlier this week to a client call received by our hero.
With a nerve wracking jangle that is guaranteed to set teeth on edge, that annoying electronic leash known as a cellular phone did disturb our most humble heros mid-morning reverie. Let it be known that it is never a good thing to interrupt his dreams, especially when they involve Jessica Simpson, warm oil and a wading pool full of Jell-O. Verily, the caller did learn this lesson as SwedishChef growled his greeting into the mouthpiece.
Good morn to you, O Wondrous Computer Tech! spake the disturbingly chipper voice. We are in dire straits! Verily, the computer belonging to our receptionist doth not work with one of its installed programs! Please grace us with your presence and resolve this conundrum for us!
Knowing that said customer does not have anyone with any technical expertise, our good Paladin did endeavour to get more details concerning this enigma, as he did not wish to travel out there for something trivial. After much querying, it was determined that a specific program, which was rather important to their operations, would not load on the PC in question. With regrets about his lost dreams, our shining Knight did utilize his motorized personal conveyance and attended the clients location to resolve their botheration.
Upon arrival, SwedishChef bade his greetings to his worshipers and did attend to the problematic PC in question. As he viewed the error message on the screen, he felt his spirit begin to shrivel and cry out in anguish.
Madam! Is this the error you have been experiencing since before thine communication with me?
Honourable Chef, it is! Veraciously, this is why we contacted you!
Madam, this is not the error that was relayed to me during our electronic articulation! This error is not even remotely related to the original issue!
Many apologies, good sirrah! This is the error that I related to mine co-worker, who was the one who contacted you. If she conveyed incorrect information, it is beyond mine control!
Very well, my lady. I believe thine protestations. However, thou dost realize that this same day emergency call shall be billed at a minimum of two hours, at $95 a hour?
I do, O Shining One, I do!
Very well. And, with that, our Paragon of the LART did reach around the computer and firmed up the video cable connection by tightening the thumb screws, thus removing the Check Video Signal Cable error message from the monitoring, returning the PC to a fully operational status.
And thus, good readers, we see Rule Number 1 in action, as well as a lack of basic Reading Comprehension skills. I had truly thought I had trained this particular client much better, but obviously some of them need remedial classes. Oh well, at least they help keep me employed.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Well - it's obvious that Step 2 is "Apply Stupidity Tax", isn't it? -Grue
This is why I never sent a tech just because the attorney told the sec to get one. 99/100 times I fixed the problem in less time then it took to argue with the attorney to pick up the freaking phone and let me proxy in. -redevil34
Oh hell, Chef. A not-dissimilar story was the inspiration behind one of my most trusted phrases - "Could you please read the error OFF THE SCREEN to me." Commiserations indeed. -Geminii
1) Get called out to a no-brainer job. 2) Apply stupidity tax. 3) Profit! -lineswine
Okay, $190.00 to plug in a monitor... HELL YEAH I'd be willing to come out there and do that.. That's the equivilent to around 12 hours on the phone for me. -kryliss
"Annoying electronic leash" like that one, good grub too chef. -Armakuni
"disturbingly chipper voice" Hello? I heard my name. Oh, nice story, I like getting those paycheques. -Chipsterian
$190 in 12 hours on the phone! Good Lord, mah man, but you are well compensated. It takes me 27.14 hours on thwe phones to make a post tax $190. -Phssstpok
How come you never serve pizza or burritos? <hey, open that LART shelter door ***RIGHT NOW***!!!> -CyBear
Thuckrutes! Lock and bolt the Pond Life front door, now! There's a bear with appallingly bad taste trying to get in.... -Gromit
Was it lime Jell-O? -concept14
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42.
Tales From College!
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! Tis I, the one and only SwedishChef, here to gladden your hearts with another tale! This tale occurs during my days in college, and I was reminded of it whilst speaking to Rhiannon the other day. So, enjoy the ales, lagers, beers, stouts and more at the bar, and then settle down at the buffet for roast boar, venison, veal, chicken and pheasant!
Our tale begins when our hero was entertaining thoughts of joining the local constabulary. In preparation of this endeavour, he did attend a local Academy of Learning for the Law & Security Administration, or Lawn Security course. As part of this course, he was required to take a Humanities course.
Now, as we all know, SwedishChef has very little faith in most of Humanity, so having to attend a class pertaining to all its faults and foibles was not high on his To Do list. None-the-less, he did show up for the first performance so as to ascertain what was required of him vis--vis exams, projects and textbooks. Happily, there was only a final exam and only one textbook required. Then came the first lesson.
To this day, our hero shudders at the memory of this class. Never before has one hour lasted so long! The professor insisted on dragging a definition of life out of a group of terminally bored 20 something disenfranchised youth who really couldnt give a rats ass how an alien defined what was alive. So, after several agonizing tens of minutes, an algebraic formula appeared on the blackboard, followed by an equals sign. And, of course, the professor wanted to know what the result of said formula was. To which SwedishChef, ever the connoisseur of British comedy, replied 42! with some aplomb. Sadly, only half the class understood the reference. And SwedishChef has some doubt about some of the half that did claim to understand it.
Let us fast forward to the end of the term. SwedishChef has not attended another class since that first one, and, in fact, almost forgot that he had to attend the exam! He is rather perplexed, as he had never even purchased the textbook. Resigned to his fate, he entered the exam room and sat down to muddle through the exam. It was placed before him, face down, and instructions were given to the class about how to turn in their exams at the end, how things were to be graded and other sundry details.
Then, the ominous moment was upon him, and he turned over the exam. It was an essay exam. It had one question. SwedishChef read the question, which was something like: In your opinion, why is something different from some other thing, or some such nonsense. The exact wording is lost in time. However, SwedishChef began to sweat, as this was obviously a topic covered in the textbook that he had never purchased! So, in an attempt to magically gain knowledge, he read the question again. And then he began to grin! Verily, he did smile so widely he was afraid his face would split open! The sheer majesty of his answer did absolutely stun him for several minutes! And then he began to write! And it was a thing of beauty! A response so concise and clear that he completed it in one sentence! Fifteen minutes after entering the exam, he turned in his paper and he left the room, leaving behind many stunned looks and sniggers of contempt. But, he knew he would have the last laugh that day!
And, verily, several students approached him some many minutes later, massaging cramped hands, and did remark how they suspected that the good Chef had simply written down his name on the paper and left, utterly defeated and humiliated. With a feral grin and an evil glint in his eye, SwedishChef stared them all down and told them what he had written. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth as they all realized how they had been suckered! They all bowed before his obvious superior intellect and lamented their own failure to truly think before spending copious amounts of energy writing multi-page responses. And they acknowledged that they were in the presence of perfection!
What, you ask, was SwedishChefs single sentence response to the question posed? Surely, some of you have guessed by now, but it shall be revealed to those suffering from lack of caffeine.
The response was: In my opinion, and as it is an opinion and not a statement of fact, and therefore can NOT be marked wrong, I couldnt give a rats ass as to what the differences are between the two subjects.
And so we learn, gentle readers, that those who can, do. Those who can do well, teach. Those who cant do fark all, teach college courses on Humanities. We also learn that the phrase In your opinion is a god-send on any exam or test you may take in the future.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Great story Chef enjoyed the ale and the venison -MFtech
I humbly bow before thy clever wrangling of the stupid starfish, thy teacher! -Mahal
I'll take the LARTing...how did you do? :D -modeski
So, what grade did you get on the exam? -mccallister
LOL great ever so great. -Bunglehawk069
WOOT! -Psudo
Bugger the exam grade - that was a Grade A LART. -Gromit
<smartass> Because if it wasn't different it would be the same thing and not "some other thing".</smartass> Alternately one could comment about the same matter existing in the same place at the same time... -redevil34
But- it's the same thing, only different. -LaserGuru
Life is characterised by a local and temporary reversal of entropy. -Isaac Asimov -LaserGuru
I got a 70, which was the minimum passing grade for the course. I wasn't going to complain about it. I was just happy I didn't have to do it over again. -SwedishChef
you are so very welcome for being reminded of that class. -rhiannon
Back in my community college days I had a similar class. After the first outing I realized the 'teacher' lectured straight from the book...as in reading it out loud. Since the sign in sheet was out in the open I'd walk in, sign in, and leave. I showed up for all the tests only. Final score: 92%. -Starfury
Those who Can, Do. Those who can't Do, Teach. Those who can't Teach, Administrate. Those who can't Administrate, own the company that those who Can Do have to Do It At. -satanstech
Thats like the essay that had one question. "What is the definition of courage?"........."This" and turned in the paper. I like yours better. -burrkiss
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43.
High School Shenanigans, Part le Trois!
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! 'Tis I, SwedishChef, here to delight your eyes with yet another tale of my High School exploits. This is the last story of the trilogy, and hopefully the best. For your imbibing pleasure, I have employed Thukrutes from Pond Life to provide you with a wide selection of whiskeys, sherrys, ports, wines and cognacs. And, of course, the food is of the finest quality, with roast venison, broiled lamb and sauted seafood.
As previously mentioned, our hero attended a local Catholic school, replete with uniform consisting of straight, grey nylon/rayon pants, dark blue nylon/cotton blend v-necked sleeveless sweater, plain white cotton shirt and maroon with blue stripe nylon tie. Definitely not the height of fashion. Being the good parochial boy that he was, 'Chef wore said outfit throughout the ninth grade. However, before the tenth grade, he made a purchase of some trendy grey pants that had some blue and white stitching, kind of in a pinstripe, but not exactly. For the late 80s, though, they were quite chic. Add to that a cotton knit sweater with patches of black, dark blue, light blue and green, and he no longer was up to school code as far as the uniform was concerned.
One evening, while in the computer lab working on an assignment, our hero listened in with some amusement as two teachers debated his uniform. One was of the opinion that the pants were acceptable, but 'Chef must where the school sweater at all times. The other was of the opinion that the sweater was fine, but the pants had to be school norm. This debate raged for several minutes, until the Vice Principal entered. He put an end to the debate by stating that 'Chef must wear the uniform, fully and completely, at all times while in school. Our hero, not being a dummy, took this as his cue to leave the lab and complete his assignment at home.
The next day, whilst ambling through the hallway, our hero was accosted by the Vice Principal.
VP: "Good 'Chef! Verily, thou hast not heeded my directive of the previous evening, as evidenced by yon attire! What say you?"
"Good sirrah! Verily, thou art correct in thine observation! However, there is perfectly plausible explanation for this situation! Yea, mine uniform is at the local cleaning establishment, and will not be available until this coming Monday! Many apologies, good sir!" spake 'Chef.
"Humph! Thine story doth smell of prevarication, but I shall accept it at face value. That said, I fully expect to see you in the proper attire on Monday, or thou shall face the wrath of detention!"
And thus, our hero went on his way. And on the appointed day, he endeavored to remain out of sight of his Vice Principal. And he was successful!
And then came Tuesday.
Whilst walking down the empty corridor during his spare period, our hero did chance upon the Vice Principal. And the Vice Principal did stop upon noticing the clothing on our hero. And he did comment upon the lack of uniform.
"'Chef! Where is your uniform? I thought I ordered you to wear it?"
"Verily, good sirrah, thou didst! However, thine command was to see me in mine uniform on *Monday*. Thou didst not say anything about the rest of the week!" quipped the 'Chef.
The Vice Principal stared at the audacity of our hero. Verily, he was speechless! With a shake of his head and a dismissive wave of his hand, the Vice Principal turned on his heel and left, never to bother the 'Chef again about his uniform.
And thus we learn, gentle reader, that our hero has had very little respect for authority throughout his life. And that he is quite quick with a snappy comeback to a (stupid) question. And that he was the only student not to be bothered about his uniform for the next three years. In fact, one day, a fellow student was sent home by the VP to put on his proper uniform, with me standing not five feet away and not receiving any admonishment whatsoever.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Huzzah! Thine story is grand! And verily thy shrimp is delicious! I *munch munch* dost reco-*munch*-mmend it to *munch munch*...uh...try the scallops. :D -Darth
HAHAHAHAHA!!! I applaud thee, sir. Thou art quick with wit and offer much amusement to the multitude here! I graciously bow before thine excellence and prowess! ;) -rokitt
After that first paragraph, I got very hungry. Great story! -Psudo
<*whines*> ...no armagnac?... </whine> <ADD mode> ....OOooooo....shrimp! (dives into shrimp bowl) </ADD mode> -CTYankee
Um... What? Oh, sorry. I was told there are scallops here. -RePo
*tries not to blow a gasket with the pseudo-English in bad tenses* Good story, 'Chef! :) -snowcrash
Yea, a story right goodly recounted, dear Chef. Thuckrutes! Time for another Armagnac before we wend our way back to Pond Life - just don't wave the bottle in CTY's sight... -Gromit
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44.
More Tales from Times of Yore! Pt. 3
Being a good little boy, Chef informed his mother of the pending phone call that she was sure to receive that night. And, sure enough, at 10:30pm, said call arrived. And was greeted with such righteous indignation that it would put a televangelist to shame! There was literally frost covering the mouthpiece from the verbal lashing Mom du Chef applied to the teacher! Shame on him for calling so late! Shame on him for being un-man enough to deal with high school students! Shame on him for gleefully tattling to their parents at the slightest indiscretion! Oh, it was a glorious berating, but sadly not recorded for future entertainment.
By now, you must be getting bored of the tale of Henry Santos, so we shall close this tale with a summary of further events.
When he marked tests, he would mark an answer on one persons test as Wrong, and mark the same answer on anther persons test as Correct. If the answer was actually correct in both cases, the person marked wrong was not given credit for the teachers error, which in some cases resulted in a failure. But, should the answer be WRONG in both cases, the person who had had it originally marked correct would have a mark deducted from their score, sometimes resulting in a failure. No amount of protest would change this bizarre practice.
Vinegar. The man could not pronounce, nor spell, the word Vinegar. It always came out Viginar. For whatever reason, he always had a brain freeze with that one word.
That same year, our hero was crowned Chess Champion of the school. The following year, Santos took over the team, and Chef promptly dropped out. This prompted a round of razzing from Santos, proclaiming himself a better player than Chef. Finally bowing to the pressure, a match was held between the two, and Chef lost all of one pawn from his side, while simultaneously removing all but one pawn and the king from his opponent, in front of the entire Chess club. It was definitely a Shoot Out at the Geek Corral.
A few years after graduating, Chef learned that Santos had been arrested after his video camera was mysteriously found in the tent of some female students, poorly hidden, and set to record, during a school retreat.
And there you have it, folks. Although the good Chef did not have a hand in his ultimate fall from grace, Chef did enjoy a full academic year of raising hell in Santos classroom.
And thus we learn many lessons in this epic tale. 1) Dont piss off SwedishChef. 2) Dont piss off SwedishChefs mother. 3) Dont proclaim to be knowledgeable in a subject simply because you have metal washer ring around your pinkie finger. 4) Do not, EVER, leave a video camera, set to record, hidden in an enclosure belonging to someone else without express permission from said occupant. 5) Dont ever call SwedishChef out in a chess match if youve never played him before, especially in front of the entire team that you are supposed to be coaching.
[By: SwedishChef]
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*groaning with an overfull belly* You throw one hell of a bash, 'Chef! -SalParadise
Good story, a tad long but good none the less <pours another ale and grabs a leg of pheasant> Yep, good story <ducks a roundhouse swing by a serving wench> It was leg of pheasant! Not peasant! <runs for the lart shelter, stops, grabs a small keg of mead and runs again> -ecoli
Story was entertaining Food was great *burrrrp* Compliments to the 'Chef -MFtech
Viginar, huh? Had a astronomy teacher - very smart man but would mispronounce virtually eavery name in science (Copernicus was pronounced "copper-nickis", Tycho Brahe was "Teeko Bra-hee", etc). But it was a good class. Started with 106 students who though it would be an easy course. Ended with a class of 14 with only one A (I got a B-)as after the 4th week it was almost pure astrophysics) -technaround
Had an instructor in the Army once that could not pronounce exactly..he said gezactly...man that went through my spine every time he said it until the day he admited that he just could not pronounce it properly..then for some reason it wasn't so bad. Like, he wasn't doin' it just to piss ol' Cisco off. -CiscoJones
*pats overstuffed belly* Ahh, a great tale and and tasty breasts, The largest I've ever seen!<looks around because everyone is staring> "I'm talkin' about the FOOD people, gimme a break!!" ;p -rokitt
Gweat stooooryyy chief, zat larger iz dammed good schtuff. *hick* you grot ne kebabz *thud* <mum note: could someone get Armmie a cab and a bucket> -Armakuni
Triffic shtory, Chef - thanksh for the refreshments too. Gotta go, now -need a kip. <stands up, yawns, stretches, farts and exits for Pond Life> -Gromit
I had a somewhat similar Chemistry teacher in high school, who was slighly nuts. He also couldn't pronouce some of the element names he was trying to teach us about. In one class he kept talking about "magneese". This led to one student asking if he was referring to manganese, or magnesium. The answer was "No no, not magneese, magneese! Magneese". I still don't know how I passed that class. -HidariMak
Follows pretty closely with a story of mine. Catholic high school, teacher so green he needs mowing. He was a Bio teacher, but this was a geology class. Called my mom to tell her he was flunking me. When asked why, he said because I hadn't turned in any homework and it was too late to bring my grade up. In the end, she called him an "Anal Retentive Little Twit" and hung up. I passed the class. -pcgod
I went to a catholic school, Islamic guy decided to come to catholic retreat and cause trouble ;) -sadako
We had a new teacher like that, fresh out of college our senior year. My friend and I used to hit on her. -Mathias
Uh, technaround, Tycho Brahe IS pronounced "tee-ko bra-hee." -Captain Trips
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45.
Tales From Times of Yore! Pt. 2
Later that month, our good Chef was thirsty during class. Knowing that Santos would not grant a hall pass to a man in the desert, our hero did what the previous science teacher was famous for. He got an empty beaker, cleaned it out in one of the many sinks, and then took a drink of water from said sink. Well, this was a catastrophe! Doomsday was upon us! Santos almost laid an egg at the sight of that! When questioned why, he informed the good Chef that the water was tainted! To which our hero replied that he should inform the principal, as the entire building got its water from the same incoming pipes, so all the fountains and whatnot would also be contaminated. This is where it got bizarre. You will be spared the intricate back and forth of the two participants, and instead presented with the summary. To wit, it was eventually proclaimed by Henry Santos, that all the bad stuff that was poured down the sink would some how transfer from the drainpipe to the inflow pipe next to it, even though there were no holes between the pipes. And this was being accomplished before the bad liquids got any further down the drainpipe than the area that abutted the inflow pipes (thus sparing the rest of the school). And his word was gospel, as he proudly flashed a small, plain, metallic pinkie ring, exclaiming, I ought to know! Im an ENGINEER! Not to be out done, our hero turned to another female classmate and asked to borrow her white coral ring, placed it on his finger, and sarcastically responded to that comment with, And you are full of shit, as my father has been a plumber for 20+ years, and I can say with 100% certainty that the drain water is NOT contaminating the inflow water without there being some sort of breach between the two sets of pipes, which would be clearly evident by the leaking water all over the floor! This, dear reader, is the point that Santos took it upon himself to truly make life hell for our hero. Of course, he wasnt even close to being capable of completing such a task.
Fast forward a couple of days. Santos is leading the daily prayer, and has focused his attention solely on Chef. Daggers of ice were flying from his eyes to bore into the skull of Chef. Now, good reader, to give you an idea of the results of this, turn to your cubicle mate and stare at them with a stern face. Dont say a word. Dont smile. Just stare. And see their reaction. Most will obviously think you are nuts, but nearly all of them will crack a smile at some point in time. And such is what happened with the good Chef. Try as he might, he could not help it. He looked to the floor, the ceiling, his classmates and other places, but every time he looked back, Santos was staring at him. At the end of the prayer, Santos simply pointed at Chef and stated, Detention, tonight! No amount of protests or requests for explanations of the crime was answered. So, being rather confrontational at this point, our hero fumed for the rest of the day and then went to the detention room to find out what the problem was. It was then that he was informed that he had smirked at the teacher, and this was the result! Thats right, gentle reader. A smirk. Needless to say, our hero simply turned on his heel and left the room.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Actually the reason you don't drink in the science/chem labs is because the flask in question may be contaminated with chemicals that are *NOT* water soluable, and thus not washed off when you rinsed it in the sink. Said chemical residue may perchance be soluable in the salty solution known as salava, leading to less than desirable consequences... x_X Safety first. -LeopardMadcat
This is true, except that the former science teacher had a couple of flasks squirreled away just so he could drink the water. I knew where they were from Grade 9 science, and I knew that no one was using them because of their location. All I had to clean off was the dust. ;-) -SwedishChef
The white coral ring is so fetching on your finger. -concept14
Does this mean we're engaged? <blush> -Gromit
kinda the seindfield guys giving george castanza a hard time about peeing in the gym shower...he said its the same pipes as the turlet whats the diff. -SGTARKyTEK
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46.
Tales From Times of Yore! Pt. 1
Gather round, gentle reader, gather round! Tis I, SwedishChef, here to amuse and delight you with yet another story from my less-than-stellar past! Make yourselves comfortable, for this shall be a long tale with at least 2 intermissions! But, fear not! For the tables are literally groaning under the weight of todays repast! We have roasts of beef and port, breasts of chickens and ducks and turkeys and pheasants, grilled and sauted vegetables, and more desserts than you could eat in a week of parties! There is wine, ale, mead and lagers from around the world to wash it all down! So, sit back, dine and hopefully enjoy todays epic!
Once again, we journey to the past, to a time when SwedishChef was but busboy in High School. Now, Chef attended a local Catholic High School, complete with goofy uniforms and associated pious instructors. In his tenth grade, a favoured science teacher of the school took a leave of absence, and a replacement, one Mr. Henry Santos, was hired. Now, on his first day into the class, Mr. Santos (yes, that is his real name. Im not protecting the stupid on this story, as youll see at the end), made the cardinal mistake of admitting to a class of authority be damned high schoolers that he was FRESH OUT OF TEACHERS COLLEGE! Thats right! On his first day he explained to this class of malcontents that it was his first ever teaching assignment!
(Now, I know what youre thinking gentle reader! Youre thinking that we immediately took advantage of his naivet! Nay, good sirs and madams! Verily, we thought hed be a cool teacher, as he wasnt much older than us and would be able to relate better to us! Sadly, this was not to be. Ed.)
Now, being a Catholic school, there was a morning prayer said over the loud speakers just prior to the commencement of second period, which just happened to be the period that our hero attended Science class. Now, Mr. Santos would follow the broadcast prayer with a prayer of his own, which we found to be rather annoying. That is, until the class watched him pour Hydrochloric Acid one day. For a 20-something, apparently healthy male, his hands shook like an 80-year-old Parkinsons sufferer! Needless to say, many, many prayers were uttered during the school year. Especially when it was discovered that the students must hold their beakers so that Santos could pour their allotment of acid in for them to do whatever experiment was scheduled. Not being of the starfish persuasion, our brave hero would simply place the empty flask on the counter in front of the instructor and wait for his acid to be poured.
One day, our good Chef was sitting in class, bored to tears. And he was not the only student suffering this malaise. Nay, a young lady next to him started to make snoring noises during the lecture. Add to this, Chef deciding to be a shit by bobbing his head up and down in time with said noises, and our good hero earned detention that night. Now, this was somewhat fair, as it was a disturbance, but the young lady felt so bad, that she freely accompanied Chef to serve detention with him. And one would think this would be the end of the subject, wouldnt one? Well, if it was the case, you wouldnt be reading this, now would you? Sadly, at 10:30pm that night, at Maison du Chef, a phone call was received by Mom du Chef. It was one Henry Santos calling to inform her that her son was an incorrigible reprobate! Luckily for him, she was rather groggy (having gone to bed at 10pm), and simply mumbled something about speaking with her wayward son before hanging up. There was much consternation and laughter the next day, though, in the Chef household.
[By: SwedishChef]
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mmmmmm....pheasant... -mousie
mmmmmmm....breasts... -rokitt
heh heh, ducks, heh heh -CyBear
Roast port? -Captain Trips
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47.
High School Tomfoolery
Gather round, good reader, gather round! Tis I, SwedishChef, here to tickle thine ears with a tale of mirth and frivolity! The Coq du Vin is delicious, the Pheasant Under Glass is divine and the Turducken is delightful! Mind the wait staff, though, as they will slap wandering hands right quickly!
Our tale begins many moons ago, when our hero was but a mischevious lad. He had elected to take Computer 101 as one of his High School elective courses, much to the delight of his equally mischevious uncle.
Just how mischevious could said uncle be, you ask? This is a man who would purchase the most noisiest toys he could find (which, in the 1970's, was a pretty hard thing to do), and wrap them in multiple layers. He would then arrive at the house of his nephew, with an enormous wrapped box in one arm, and a bag of sugar masquerading as some innocent candy. He would then proceed to feed said refined sugar to our hero at an alarming rate, whilst tying the toes of the poor lad's socks together (while still on the lad's feet, of course!), and then tickling him, eliciting many squeals of delight and laughter. All while our hero's poor parents looked on in disbelief. Then, once our hero was satisfactorily buzzed on sugar and bouncing off the ceiling, the present would be opened. Now, as stated, it would be something that would make noise. LOTS of noise! A remote control police car with a blaring siren. A mini drum set. A Star Wars LightSabre with action sounds. Basically, the more noise it made, the better it was. Of course, the nefarious uncle would then instruct our hero on how to best use the toy to produce the most noise possible, and then bid everyone a jaunty "Good Day" as he skedaddled out the door to safety. He continues this tradition to this day with his Grand Nephew.
Seeing just what sort of a twisted influence he had on the good SwedishChef, is it any wonder that our hero has such adventures to this day?
But, we shall return to that time long ago, when our knight was literally half the man he is today. The uncle in question present our knight with a wonderful 5.25 inch floppy disk that had been ordered through the mail. A wonderful disk that would prove useful to our knight.
Now, the learned professor of the class had inherited the teaching assignment as he was the "Science Teacher", and as such, was an early adopter of new technology. Therefore, since he knew how to turn on a computer, he was obviously qualified to teach a bunch of budding hackers. To his credit, he did know the basics fairly well, and as the class consisted mainly of learning simple DOS commands and a bit of BASIC programming, he was able to keep ahead of most of the little hellions in his charge.
Not all of them, of course.
Our impish little teenager brings his wonderful new floppy disk to class one day, after having experimented with the programs on it on his own computer the previous night. And, when the teacher was not around, he loaded up a wonderful little program into memory, and then removed the incriminating disk. Then, with an air of syrupy innocence, he called the teacher over, informing the poor instructor that there was an issue with his computer. Showing grave concern, the instructor did attend to the 'Chef's computer, sat down in front of the monitor, and stared in disbelief at the monitor, puzzling over the message on display.
A message that stated: "Water detected in Drive C: Press any key to drain the system."
With trepidation, the instructor did as directed. With a tinny little squeak, the built in speaker did a fair approximation of draining water, followed by similarily fair approximation of a drive "spin drying", much to the entertainment of the rest of the students. Unable to contain his jocularity any further, our hero did belch forth a large guffaw, alerting the teacher to the obvious prank that had been perpetrated at his expense. The poor man was so embarrased that the heat from his flushed face nearly ignited the cheap polyester/rayon blend sweaters of the student uniforms around him.
Thus we learn another valuable lesson, dear readers. A leopard never changes it's spots. Or loses them. Or some such nonsense. Basically, we've learned that SwedishChef has been a shit disturber for a very long time, and he's only looking for ways to improve himself further in the Zen of Shit Disturbing.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Oh geeze, I remember that prank program. I used to rig it up in the AutoExec batch file! -CyBear
I had that program, too.. talk about a blast from the past! -NightSteel
I could probably pull that trick off here...the science building where our comp lab resides has been known to leak when it rains. -Dreamstalker
A little something similar: ( http://tinyurl.com/66ukn ) -missourimule
Water in drive C: is nothing. What are you going to do about the Pepsi I spewed into my keyboard after reading about your disk prank? (Seriously, as always, a great story, worth reading!) -LinuXtreme
"the heat from his flushed face nearly ignited the cheap polyester/rayon blend sweaters of the student uniforms around him." -- Wonderful! -concept14
Wow, you had computers with hard drives in them while you were in high school? </old fart> ;~} -RiffRaff
I remember that program too. Of course I modded the autoexec.bat on the boot floppies used in the PC lab. "O.k. students, insert your disk and turn on your computer!" Imagine 15 of those going off at once on the original IBM PC! Sometimes I long for those days again. -wandr2k3
Just to be pedantic - isn't it Coq au Vin? -namor
IBM PC? My first "Computer Science" class (8th Grade) - Atari *400*. The teacher was high-falutin', she had an Atari 800. Later on in High School, I got to mess around with Apple IIc/e's, and even an Apple III. -missourimule
When I was in high school UNIVAC was still a big deal. PCs hadn't been invented yet. Love that Drain program, though. -sassicatz
On many an occasion I had used the program that made the display seem to be upside down. Had one SF actually turn his monitor over rather than ask for help! -ecoli
Jeez, this brings back memories. I had a few joke files, probably off some cover disc.There was one which would turn the PC Speaker into a taxi radio at random intervals (or so it seemed). Plus there was always the great prank which would insert "april fools!" into whatever you were typing at the time. This is back when command line was king, and I was into the DOS-based POVray at the time. Really APRIL FOOLS annoying when you're APRIL FOOLS trying to type. -modeski
Drain was a great program. Reminded me of a couple for the Mac. One replaced the error beep with HAL the computer saying, "I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that...". The other was a replacement for the Mac disk eject sound, called McPuke for obvious sonic reasons. Ahh, yesteryear! -CTYankee
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48.
Kenny Strikes Again!
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! The turkey is succulent, the roast beef is broiled to perfection and the bartender has brought in nothing but the finest imported ales and lagers from around the world. I, the wonderfully charming and witty SwedishChef, am here to entertain you with another tale of the Exploits of Kenny!
Our tale begins sometime last week. Apparently, an end user reported problems with her machine, and Kenny was dispatched to deal with it. Now, lacking details from this moment in time, it can not be safely said as to what the problem actually was, but Kenny determined that the problem was several Trojan files infesting the PC. How said Trojans got past the corporate firewall, the anti-virus scanner on the mail server and the anti-virus on the local PC is a mystery for another night. Suffice to say, said Trojan files were apparently infamous enough that a simple Google search turned up information on how to remove them. So, that is what Kenny did.
Now, as has been mentioned in the past, most systems in the office still run on that rudimentary operating system known as Windows NT 4.0. During the process of removing the alleged Trojan files, the operating system was damaged. Damaged to the point where Last Known Good was a complete misnomer. So, what is a tech to do?
Well, in a properly run company, the tech would remove the afflicted PC, replace it with a spare that has been freshly imaged, and the user would be up and running, accessing their data that was stored on the network drive. But, of course, this company is not properly run, at least from an I.T. point of view. No, in Kennys case, instead of doing the above, he had to repair the system. Now, again, an image install would be an acceptable course of action, had such an image existed. And had the data been stored on a network drive. Again, this was not the case. Another alternative? Install the OS on a spare computer and get the user to use that. Time consuming, but not terrible. But, no, this was not to be. Nay, Kenny was above such simple procedures. Instead, Kenny decided to upgrade the system to Windows 2000.
With an UPGRADE version of Windows 2000.
Thats right. An upgrade version of an OS. Something that even Microsoft, the manufacturer, advises that you DO NOT DO. But, this does not deter Kenny! Nay, Kenny is a MASTER of the desktop Operating System, and this was his course of action.
An hour later, the user had a PC again. Sadly, said PC still did not function fully. It would randomly lock and fail. Or the display would become corrupted and unreadable. Or the system would just shut down. Occasionally, it would pop up an error on boot. Kenny then spent two days researching this one visible error for a solution.
Thankfully, Kenny was ill on the day that he was going to implement his solution for the one error. Not so thankfully, the manager was now livid with I.T., as his worker had been without a functioning PC for 3 days at this point. This is when our hero enters the story. He observes the situation. He sees that the system no longer boots at all, and instead the video goes corrupt right after the logon screen appears. So, he does what he feels is the most logical thing to do. He hooks the drive into a spare computer, has the user back up their data to the spare computer and then he verifies the data is secured. He puts the problem drive back in its original system and sends the user back to her desk with the spare PC and her data, so she can work. He then takes the problem PC, backs the data up once more, and then wipes the drive, formats it and reinstalls Windows.
Joy! Celebration! The system boots properly! Are we surprised? Of course not! Total time to load Windows 2000 from scratch? 2 hours. Including all security updates and installing all other programs.
So, gentle readers, what have we learned? We have learned that repairing a damaged OS by doing an OS Upgrade is NOT a good thing. Its a very, very BAD thing. So bad, in fact, that Kenny has earned the ire of several high level managers, and is no longer allowed to deal with desktop issues unless the trusty Chef is unavailable. For those of you with your own personal Kennys, take heart. Their incompetence will eventually be noticed and dealt with.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Okay, let's start a betting pool here and now: how quickly can Kenny get himself canned? I say he will be let go on...September 19th. -snowcrash
How come there aren't any good Jobs for Incompetent ITiots down here in Houston? I could screw it up at least as bad - and get it blamed it on SwedishChef! -satanstech
So I suppose he'd fix an infested XP SP1 installation by installing SP2, huh? -NightSteel
Who killed Kenny? -Wraith556
I think it's who wants to kill Kenny. -Shevaresh
The question isn't how long will Kenny last, it's really "Why the fark does Kenny still have a job?" -Captain Trips
When Kenny gets fired can I have his job? -Starfury
And the roast beef is broiled to perfection, and, and, and, and I have to go look in on another machine! NO FAIR! I want to know what happens next! Okay, I'm back now and can read SwedishChef's story. Phew. -Mango
May 31... -hkypipe
Tomorrow. If there's any justice in the...yeah, you're right. Nevermind. He'll be tier 3 by June. -Amiga5000
I had a chance to meet this young man, and boy does he have Straight to Upper Management written all over him.</bob> -AmazingKreskin
i have learned that when you a repair/install on win2k it doesnt work well either. I only do that to get the machine name and old ips then i wipe it. I wish bart's pe could extract the machine name. -SGTARKyTEK
"Not allowed to deal with desktop issues unless SwedishChef is unavailable?" Not good enough. Keeping in mind his dismal track record, he shouldn't be left alone with *any* machines, except for the fact that it would make it harder on the good chef... Bravo for both the highly entertaining story, and the lessons contained within it! -LinuXtreme
Hey SC (and all you other techs that occasionally have to rescue data from damaged drives): Get yourself a USB to IDE/ATAPI adapter. It is a cable with a USB 2.0 connector on one end and an IDE/ATAPI connector on the other. Comes packaged with a power brick that has a molded drive plug. You hook this up to any IDE drive and upon plugging it in to the USB port of a Win2k/XP (and even some Linux's) machine, it automagically mounts the partition(s) as additional drive letters (no driver needed unless Win98SE). Some versions even come packaged with a 3.5 to 2.5 adapter so this same interface works with the laptop drives. Recommended this to Riff a few months ago and he is very happy with it. BTW: this exact same device saved my ass just a few days ago when my Win2000 machine would boot up to a blue screen. Used this and hooked my drive up to my test XP machine (didn't even have to pull it out of the case) and XP's CHKDSK fixed the file structure so that it would work fine again. Food for thought... (The USB-IDE adapter is available from a few vendors on eBay; got mine with the 2.5 adapter for about $32 after shipping.) -BayouTech
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49.
'Chef VS. the Evil Malware
Gather round, gentle folk, gather round! 'Tis I, SwedishChef, here to regale you with yet another rousing tale of daring do and evil vanquishing! The roast venison is juicy, yet tender, and the alcoholic beverages are of vintage brewmanship! So sit back, enjoy the meal and the story!
Now, it was a typical Monday morning when our hero did arrive at work. And he was rather surprised to discover a P4 2.0ghz machine sitting on the floor of his cubicle. Not finding a note, nor a voicemail, decrying why the machine was there, he began to wonder if perhaps his end users were now leaving gifts (or sacrifices) to him in thanks for his grand deeds.
Of course, this was not to be, as our knight discovered upon opening his e-mail. There, he discovered the reason for the donation in a carefully crafted missive from one of the higher ups in the company.
"Oh Great and Wondrous Chef! My sisters PC doth ail her! Verily, it will not connect to the internet and it doth report that it hath been visited by citizens of the long lost city of Troy! Well, actually, it simply said, Chef, this POS belongs to my sister and theres something wrong with it. Call her and fix it! But it sounds much better my way.
So, our hero being a man of action, did begin his quest to determine just exactly what the hell was wrong with the poor machine. A phone call was placed to the sister in question and the following was determined: It would no longer pull a valid IP address from the local broadband provider, and it was infected with several malware programs, possibly Trojans.
WinXP Service Pack 2 was installed, and netsh was run, correcting the corrupted winsock and allowing the system to once again speak to DHCP servers around the world. But, the malware was not so easily vanquished!
Nay, good reader, this malware was insidious! It was conniving! It was a BITCH! Spybot S&D did not recognize it as malware. Ad Aware did, but could not remove it, for AA only recognized SOME of the files, and upon reboot, the other, hidden, sneaky, NASTY files would reload the quarantined ones and once again display annoying pop-up ads (or, at least, they attempted to, but failed, since I wouldnt put this beast on the network). And the really aggravating part was that the damn program loaded in SAFE MODE AS WELL! So, not to be outdone by some punk-ass programmer, our shining Knight of the LART did enter the battle!
Curse words were uttered! The parentage of the programmer was called into question and then determined to be the mating of drunken orang-utan and a discarded squeegee mop. Files were unregistered! Registry entries were deleted! Scans were run! More curse words were uttered! It was further determined that a potted plastic fern was also part of the programmers heritage! But our hero would not flag! He would not fail!
For EIGHT LONG HOURS our hero did battle this malignant piece of code.
Eventually, a website was discovered that listed the many DLL files that would have to be removed. All 75 of them! The drive was pulled from the machine and installed as a slave on another machine to prevent the files from loading on boot. The System32 folder was cleansed of the cancerous files. Ad Aware successfully removed the 3 remaining entries that it had been unable to remove before. The drive was restored to its original system and booted, and booted cleanly. Further scans were run and turned up naught. The machine was allowed onto the network once the built in firewall was enabled so that it could finish the XP security updates. And finally, after all this, it was declared healed and released back to its rightful owner, who was also given a LONG list of Dos and Donts to follow.
So, gentle reader, let this be a warning. If you find Elitebar or Miracle Search on a machine, you may simply want to re-image or FFR the machine to get rid of it. Sadly, that was not an option in my case, but you can be certain Ive bookmarked that page for further use, should it ever be required again.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Bookmarked the page, and then carelessly not put a link to it for our own bookmarking... -snJimboip
http://www.scanspyware.net/info/VX2.htm , although it's not coming up for me at the moment. :( -SwedishChef
Chef, I feel the same way you do: To FFR a machine infected with a program that is so cleverly written is to admit your foe is better than you are. It becomes a challenge of wits to remove what the designer wrote to be un-removeable. I congratulate you, fine sir, on your victory in the face of overwhleming odds. <Hoists ale in a toast to the man wearing the funny hat> -RiffRaff
Bookmarked also, but what is netsh? -mccallister
mccallister - "netsh winsock reset catalog" is very useful at repairing a corrupted Winsock in WinXP (works better under SP2 than SP1, from what I've read) -SwedishChef
yep had one of those. morphing too. would create endless .dll.dll ect. Killbox helped with that. But then again i spent a long time on it
-SGTARKyTEK
A comfortable seat, fresh cup of coffee, a great tale, a bookmark and a new utility, it's going to be a good day today :) Chinese new Year is coming with the obligatory meal at the wifes parents I just know I'll be spending the day working on something like that :( -PID1
"netsh int ip reset log.txt" "netsh winsock reset" <--- both good to know as well. -EagleEye
AY! I hoist a toast of 6 year Very Old Barton to ye, Great Chef. I have yet to battle the said foe, but you have shown us the way. I think that we as techs should start tracking said BASTARDS, and send the nearest TSC Commando to pay them a visit. -beatmewithstick
"HiJack This" is good for that kind of thing - it brings up a list of anything that *may* be odourous, and you can then Google for anything that looks suspect and remove it. I spent a good time trying to clean an IBM can'ThinkPad before I got onto that. -smellystudent
BRAVO! A grand tale! -Psudo
Format them all and let Root sort em out! -LeopardMadcat
I usually do the following on WinXP SP2, -netsh int ip reset log.txt, netsh int ip delete arpcache, ipconfig /flushdns, netsh winsock reset catalog. This will clear almost all problems with the winsock related issues. If that doesn't work then have them remove anything like McAfee Security/Privacy garbage or Norton Protection crap. Especially if they have SP2, then if they want to be protected, point them towards Sygate Firewall, Google Toolbar, Ad-Aware/Spybot (Make sure spybot has teatimer enabled or else spybot won't be pro-active. And then have them start using firefox for browser and AVG for antivirus. -kryliss
Ran across a similar, except that even a cleanup as a slave drive wouldn't eradicate it. Eventually went into HKLM\Software\Microsoft|Internet Explorer\Main and found some values full of (I think) ASCII values for characters, other than the usual. Deleted them and IE stopped reinfecting... almost drove me nuts -CTYankee
In my many battles with spyware I have failed only once...said machine had infected IE so the homepage came up on a site with William Hung. Nothing I could do would fix the problem, so after 2 hours of battle and research I pulled out the Ultimate Weapon: Dell Restore Disk. This amazing tool fixed all the problems and saved me many more hours sweat and tears trying to defeat the beast. EU was happy with working system and I was happy with some nice dead presidents in my wallet. -Starfury
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50.
Price of Success
One IBM X445 Server with 2 2.7GHz SMP Processors.
2 extra 2.7 GHz SMP Processors.
8GB extra RAM.
2 Fiber SAN Connector Cards.
2 Fiber Optic Gigabit Network Cards.
Total cost - $50k, Canadian.
Fixing the "Failure to Boot" issue by replacing the $10 UltraBay DVDROM - priceless.
Don't you just love the irony of it all?
[By: SwedishChef]
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gotta love it.... -xtc46
I can sum it up in 3 words : "BORK! BORK! BORK!" ;-) -Necros
What was Kenny's solution? Buy a new server? -NightSteel
Pffft, I could have done it with a 450mhz pentium II.<BFEG> -VIPERsssss
Don't you love doing that? -TheMage18
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51.
Adventures with Kenny and Beancounters
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round. The 'Chef is in the house! The ke-bobs are grilling nicely, the baked potatoes are piping hot and the alcohol is free! And I have another story of Kenny to regale you with!
Some time ago, 'Chef's employer decided to upgrade a certain software package, as the current version they were using was no longer supported by the coder, nor was it performing it's duties to spec. As part of the upgrade, it was determined that new PCs would be required to run the new version of the software, as the current PCs were woefully under-powered.
So, meetings were met, conferences were conferenced and specs were specced. All upgrade requirements were laid forth by the manufacturer, all items were priced out and budgeted, and the higher ups agreed to it all. 30 new PCs were to be ordered upon delivery of the software.
Fast forward to more recently. The new software is now ready for testing purposes. The company, fortunately, has 2 PCs that are somewhat close to spec to test with. But, the powers on high have decided that the new PCs are not going to be purchased! Nay, they are Rapidly Depreciating Assests, and as such, shall not be entered into inventory only to be marked down in a not too future date. There is, of course, much gnashing of teeth and frustration in the IT department. How are they to convince P2 400mhz 128mb RAM 4GB HD desktops (with WinNT 4.0!) to run software designed to run on P4 2.0ghz, 256mb RAM 20GB HD WinXP machines? It is not possible! It is not going to happen!
Now, as you all know, when bean counters on high make decisions, it is based on dollars and cents. Sadly, SENSE doesn't factor into that. It was decreed that a solution must be found! A solution that would not cost very many dollars.
To the rescue comes Kenny! He of the "laptop is dying because windows gives an error!". So, knowing that there is a budget restraint that has magically appeared, he jumps to action! He begins searching the web! He works out some specs! He computes some numbers! His final solution?"
Build a Terminal Server.
That's right. Build a BRAND NEW SERVER! Purchase a new server OS. License it for 30 users to connect to it. Hope that the software that's designed to run ON PCs while connecting to a central database will be recoded, at NO EXTRA COST, to run on a Terminal Server.
Now, I know what some of you are thinking. That might work. It *might* actually be cheaper. At first, it does appear to be on paper. Seems that 30 PCs, at $500 a pop, is $15k. Said server, would be about $13.5k. So, a savings of $1500. But, then it was pointed out to Kenny, and the bean counters, that instead of having the possibility of one desktop being out of service, preventing 1 worker from doing his or her job, there would now be a single point of failure that could cause all 30 workers to be sitting twiddling their thumbs and sucking oxygen and getting paid to do so. So, Kenny puts forth a brilliant solution! A wonderful solution! And I'm sure you can figure it out, can't you? Sure you can!
He suggests we build a BACKUP TERMINAL SERVER.
That's correct, good folks. Let's spend $26k on 2 Terminal Servers so that we don't have to spend $15k on desktops to run the software, as was originally budgeted.
Sadly, I no longer have the will to argue with Kenny. I can't afford to lose the brain cells. Honest to goodness, there's a dense mass of stupid that sucks any semblance of intelligence, in a 5 radius around him, into it, never to escape. I get enough dumb suggestions and questions from our clients. I don't want to have to put up with it from a supposed "tech".
[By: SwedishChef]
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your bean counters are morons, now they have a lump of software that is unusable. and ina few years when everything breaks anyway, the software will be out of date. good job. -xtc46
"Sure, I'll make a backup server out of paperclips, styrofoam cups, and used AOL CD's..." Methinks this Kenny fellow doth snort of the crack-rock, verily. ;) -snowcrash
And there's no way to take a stand and say no, we can't do it? Hell, if you have a contact in the higher ups, ask them to trade out their machine for one of the 400s for a day to see what you have to work with. -NightSteel
Chef - after Kenny's submitted his proposal for the terminal server(S), submit a "Cost Savings Proposal" to go with 30 individual pcs.... You'll be the hero for saving the company so much $$$$! -Ulfgaard
Install it on the POS WinNT machines (if you can) and let it fail. That will at least get their attention. And you can laugh your ass off at them. -sassicatz
You're not forgetting the client access licenses, are you? -VIPERsssss
"there's a dense mass of stupid that sucks any semblance of intelligence, in a 5 radius around him, into it, never to escape." You left out the word mile. Or maybe parsec. -concept14
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52.
The Internet CAN Be Used For Good!
Gather round, good readers, gather round! The spiced wine is properly mulled, the chestnuts
are roasting merrily in the fire and the Holiday Cheer is overflowing, as is the buffet table! SwedishChef
is here to entertain you with a wonderfully warm story!
Our tale begins lo these 6 years ago. A younger, svelter SwedishChef was newly married and
living with his bride in a one bedroom apartment. Our hero, at the time, had not yet been employeed
in the tech industry for more than a month, and therefore was not yet as jaded and cynical as he
now is.
Our protagonist had (and still has) many people that he calls friends. And, as most friends are
wont to do, he would communicate with them on a regular basis and would assist them as needed,
to the best of his abilities.
Sadly, the Fates were to conspire against our champion and one of his dearest friends. It seems
that she had fallen on hard times, and, being a single mother and recently jobless, was having
difficulties paying for such niceties as food and rent. Being rather underpaid himself, our paragon
none-the-less did send as much financial aid as he could in efforts to assist. Distressingly, shortly
thereafter, said friend seemed to disappear. Her phone line was disconnected. Missives to her last
known address where returned "Moved, Return to Sender". There was much wailing and gnashing
of teeth by SwedishChef, as he was mightily concerned about the welfare of his friend, as well as her
young daughter.
And thus, our paladin did begin his long and frustrating search. Websites were queried. Search
engines were searched. Strangers were contacted in hopes that they knew of the friend. Even a fellow
TSCer was enlisted for his aid (thanks for the effort, Torinor! - ed), but things were looking bleak. Our
hero did lose sleep many nights as he fretted over the possible plights of his compatriot.
But, good readers, this is not a tale of woe! Nay, it is a tale of joy and happiness! For, it seems that
although his whiteboard posting to Torinor did languish and fail to provide any new clues at the time,
the miracles of Google did render a result! It appears that our hero's long lost friend decided to
search her own name! one evening recently past, and the very first link returned by Google
was his own whiteboard post to Torinor!
Armed with such knowledge, the long lost friend did sign up to TSC so that she could obtain our
very own SwedishChef's e-mail address and then contacted him, ending his six long years of torment
and agony!
And so we learn, gentle readers, that the internet is a very powerful tool for Good! For, without
both TSC and Google, yours truly would still be fretting and worrying about the welfare of his friend. As
it turns out, she managed to bounce back pretty quickly, now lives not too far away from me, and I hope
to meet up with her as soon as our schedules coincide, hopefully just after New Year. Welcome to the
site as well, Loyalist, and I hope you enjoy your stay!
[By: SwedishChef]
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Wahey! Good news all round...(Welcome to TSC Loyalist, hope things are now going well for you). -lineswine
congrats . .hopefully my search ends up with a result one day -lacentrix
Hooray for Google! -teivrann
*passes around a box of Kleenex* that was a nice story, glad SC is happy -Bunglehawk069
Hail to the TSCLoyalist, and welcome. You should pop by my side of the floor one of these days. :-p And congrats on the reunion of sorts, SC. :D -Torinir
Hey, if your chestnuts are roasting merrily, your sitting too close to the fire... Anyway Glad to here the outcome. ;) -Wonko The Sane
Awesome! -VIPERsssss
(smacks Wonko upside the head with a trout) There always has to be one wise-ass in the group, doesn't there? :p [high-tails it off to the LART shelter] -SwedishChef
What a happy story - it warms my heart. -jard
This is the best kind of Christmas gift anyone can receive. The gift of love. 8-) <TechOgre trudges off to hug Mrs. TechOgre and TechOgre Jr., just because> -TechOgre
That's really cool! That's the sort of thing that makes this site a great place to be. -TechnoVampire
Love those sort of coincidences. Yay! -namor
So very pleased for you SC (is that you Santa Clause?). Welcome to TSC Loyalist. -Rabbitt
I have also found a long-lost friend with the help of Internet search. We lost contact seven years ago, but 1/2 year ago I was finally able to locate her. Now we exchange emails weekly! -NordicPT
*sniff* Thanks BungleHawk... That is truely lovely. Once again the Chef excels *sobs* -Criptonite
I too have a similar story of recently searching for a long lost friend - only to find that she had posted a msg to her bf overseas in Iraq. After contacting the email listing, we're now back in communications again. Congrats on the good news SC and welcome to TSC Loyalist. -compaq42
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53.
Reader Discretion is Advised
The following Rant may contain Violence, Coarse Language and Mature Situations and is
intended for an older reading audience. Reader discretion is advised.
When the forecast calls for snow, it's advised that you prepare yourself to see SNOW!
If you cannot fucking drive in SNOW, then take fucking public transportation! Better yet,
STAY THE FUCK HOME!
If the fucking tires on your rusted out fucking piece of shit "car" are so bald they
can't get a fucking grip on a fucking bed of nails, it just fucking might be time to
replace them! Don't be fucking surprised when I honk my fucking horn at your stupid ass
because your spinning your fucking tires on a 2 degree slope in the fucking road!
If you can't possibly fucking drive past a tow truck parked on the fucking side of
the fucking road with it's fucking lights flashing, and MUST slow down to take in the
spectacle of the tow truck driver hooking up some other fucking moron's car after he
slid into the fucking guard rail because he can't fucking drive in the snow, then stay
off the fucking road! I don't want to have to spend 2 FUCKING HOURS idling on the highway
because you're fucking distracted by the "blinky-blinkies" on his fucking roof!
This rant was inspired by the first actual snowfall to hit the Toronto/Southern Ontario
region this morning. All ONE FUCKING INCH of it! People! This is FUCKING CANADA! When the
winter time arrives, it FUCKING SNOWS! Unless you are fresh off the fucking plane from
some tropical country, you've got NO FUCKING EXCUSE for being surprised by the white
stuff falling from the sky! Deal with it!
We now return you to your normal fun and frivolity. Thank you, and have a healthy day.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Dare I say it? I think I will! "Tell us how you REALLY feel..." *runs* -ShiftedBeef
I know how you feel. Friday night I drove home in a light snow flurry and there seemed to be 2 types of drivers on the road, those who would drive along at their regular 130k/h in a 90 zone, and those who would drop down to 30k/h. I don't understand. People who live their entire lives in the area still can't farking drive in the snow, and have no idea on how to recover from a slight skid... -garwain
http://www.pulse24.com/News/Top_Story/20041206-007/page.asp
and http://www.pulse24.com/News/Top_Story/20041206-012/page.asp are perfect examples of what I'm talking about. Sigh. -SwedishChef
Can I gen and "AMEN"? Too fucking right. Even when I drove my RX-7, I never got stuck in the snow. Do you know why? Because I FUCKING took my time. I didn't try and gun it, I didn't drive too slow. I just gave myself plenty of room to do anything and did it carefully. -scooby111
rear wheel drive in the snow is fun. As long as you only play in situations where losing it completely doesnt end up with a dent! if you get more than a dent then you're driving too fast. But in the uk everyone panics at the first sighn of white stuff.... we get it so rarely that we can't cope! -trs998
here in the deep south <US> people freak out with anything over an inch. Stores close, beer sales skyrocket, no one shows up for work... I can honestly say I have no idea how to drive in the snow, but I am one of the few that won't leave the house. -Painkiller
Being in the SF bay area we don't get snow on the roads but we do get rain. The same general rant you have about the snow applies here. -Starfury
What I love to see is some asshat with a 4x4 who obviously doesn't know that 4-wheel drive has absolutely *ZERO* effect on stopping ability and ends up in a ditch because of it. I love waving at these idiots as I cruise right on past them in my Camry or Accord (both of which have four brand new tires, thank you very much). -RiffRaff
Painkiller: don't forget the bread and milk disappearing from store shelves... -hkypipe
My favorite drivers are the ones with SUVs who don't realize that "4 wheel drive" is not "4 wheel stop". They may be cruising past me with only 20% more velocity, but they probably have twice the momentum. It is very satisfying to see one in the ditch or otherwise disabled. -rdwells
AMEN!!! -Harm
Preach on, Brother! Preach on! The same can be said here in southern Indiana! -rokitt
As someone who moved from Louisiana to Michigan, even I can agree with this.
Some people have NO BUSINESS in the snow. -Bobsentme
Where I live, South Carolina (read: Redneckistan), it snows once a year. It might stick & accumulate maybe once every 4 years. Every few decades we get a "blizzard" where and inch might pile up. Now, people here in Redneckistan can't drive when it rains. So when it snows, you stay in your bunker. -Darth
I love snow.<G> I work for a towing company in western Illinois
and you'd think that after 50-60 inch snows around here, 1/2 to 1 inch
would be easy to drive in. I looked at our call log for the one day it
snowed here and it went from 5 calls for the average wednesday to 32 calls.
Nobody ANYWHERE knows how to drive in 1-3 inches or snow, whether you consider it light or heavy. -TalensToys
My brother-in-law, raised in Michigan, lives in North Carolina. When they get snow he stays home. Not because of his skill, but the fear of others lack of skill. First time it snowed for in in NC he got a mile from home and turned around. Too many people going sideways through intersections. -Year9595
The f word if fuckin' missing from one sentence. <whoa, I gotta run now> -RePo
Actually, RePo, it's missing from 3 sentences. The first, second and the last. ;-) -SwedishChef
We're pretty good up here, but there are still asshats out there. Just makes the drive in slower, and rush hour *hell*, because people are compensating and going even a few kph slower. Saw an idiot cut someone off on my drive in, too... some just need killin'. -namor
Southern California has the same deal with rain. Either they drive too slow and become hazards, or too fast and become hazards. I go nuts since I'm a Nebraska native and know quite well how to drive in rain, sleet, snow, etc. -sassicatz
I'm in Eugene, OR and weather is always interesting here. We hardly ever get snow, so I can kind of understand not knowing how to drive in it. (Last year was the first time I ever had to drive in "bad snow" - actually snow iced over with snow on top and ice on top of that). What really gets me is how the first time it rains - after at least two weeks without raining - there's always a good dozen accidents in town. Come on, people, we live in a city in the middle of what was officially a RAIN FOREST. It rains here more often than we have clear, sunny days. HOW do they always manage to forget how to drive in it? -Shevaresh
She's not lying when my fiancee says it, but if a single snowflake falls anywhere in Georgia, all government services shut down and every grocery store sells out of non-perishable food. I always love telling her that when an inch of that whie $#!t fell in Ohio, we'd just throw on a warmer coat and continued about our lives as usual. -cecil36
i got out of a ticket in norfolk, va a few years ago, when it snowed for the first time in like 100 years. i was gong the speed limit in the snow, but as im from Illinois, i know how to drive in it. The cop stopped me, blah blah blah...showed him my drivers lic from IL, he asked me a few questions like "do you drive in this every year?" and so forth. He ended up letting me go with just a warning to watch out for the other idiots cause "you live where it snows all the time and know how to drive in it". lucky me -ViciousPenguin
Last Thursday we got flurries that stuck to the road & I got to follow a car that never exceeded 30MPH. This morning we had flurries that were sticking on top of ice & I never went over 40. I got passed twice on my 11 mile drive. -Tekkie
Ladies and Gents, I have the distinct misfortune to live in the Washington, DC area. Now, on a good day, the SF are out in full freaking force. These are allegedly fully functioning adults who are completely and utterly unable to drive properly (let alone safely) in any conditions other than overcast. Rain stymies them. Sunlight blinds them beyond reason, and fog is treated like they have suddenly gone blind!
But snow! Snow is the worst by far! I used to joke that as soon as the first snowflake touched the ground, traffic became hopelessly snarled within a 25 mile radius of that snowflake.
And then I saw it happen.
Driving home one night, I saw the first flakes fo a light flurry drift through the beams of my headlights. As they exited the twin shafts of light and touched the ground, the brake lights of EVERY FARKING CAR ahead of me went on!
In some ways, I'm glad that vehicular weaponry isn't legal. Mainly because I would have a staggering ammo bill... -Grayhawk
It happens every year, why should it be a surprise. I can't explain why I, I mean they, forget from one winter to the next. -concept14
The greater Calgary area (is there such a thing?) got snow the other day. I drove to work today; left 15 minutes ahead of my usual time, got there 15 minutes ahead of my usual time. That's with no other traffic on the road. Tonight, during extended 'rush hour', I left work at my usual time, and got home 45 minutes later than usual. -Jay911
We had our first snow of the year, last week or something. Was a Blizzard. Dropped a good 5-7in. Our city alone had 9+ accidents on I-75 alone. Then another 4-6 on a secondary highway leading west. And it's almost as bad as Canada. I'm in MI. With all this water around us we do get hit pretty hard sometimes. And still.. people have no concept of how to drive in the snow until halfway through the snow season. After they have seen 500 accidents, they finally realize: Boy, I should be more careful! -YellowDart
My Favorite snow story is when I was in the National Gaurd. It started snowing while we were at drill. By the time we got all the gear repacked it was at 2 inches. We put chains on the humvees and started the slow trek home at 25 and were still fishtailing along the road. I was amazed at how many people honked at us and zipped by at 50+. -PolarCoyote
Your rant applies in Scotland too, it never ceased to amaze me that the roads would come to a standstill with a little snow or heavy rain. Its not that difficult to drive in and its Scotland, it rains or it snows every year but you'd think every time was the first time anyone has seen it! -PID1
Wow! It snows in Canada? No shit...BTW Where do bears go to the toilet? (Seriously though, shouldn't the correct technique for driving in snow be second nature to your average Canadian?) -lineswine
Same deal in Minnesota. Every year it snows for five months. Every year it's like a brand-new experience to my starfishy neighbors. -thx1138
oooohhhhhh!!!! preeeeetttyyyyyy blinkieblinkie lightsieeeeesssss. loooooookkk.....ahhh..ahhhhh.. agggggghhh!!!! *crash*!! -mousie
Two words. Truck horn. -Geminii
PolarCoyote - my military snow story is, when they sent us Jarheads to Minnesota for Artic training. Company jeep driver (before HMMVEEs), was from Florida. He went way too fast around a corner and buried the jeep and the Company Commander in a snow bank. CO walks back to company, tells the company Gunny to get the jeep pulled out and to "GET HIM A NORTHERN BOY AS DRIVER". Latter that week I watched another southern kid think it was fun to purposely fish tail a 15 ton tracked APC. I am so amazed no one rolled one. -Year9595
I agree with yoo on this one, tell them to GET OUTTA THE POOL!!!!!! -THETECHFROMHELL
Am originally from near canadian border in minnesota- we consider winter to be the "other" season... other than road construction. its actually a nice break from dodging paving equipment. -HappyCrappy
Sounds like the jerks here in southern California when it rains. Idiots don't slow down. One day I saw 4 crashes in less than 3 minutes over 3 miles, 15 min after it started raining. -atomicbill
If you can't deal with snow in Canada, you are A. a wimp B. a moron or quite possible C. both -RandalGraves
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54.
Kenny Lives! (But not for long)
Greetings, good readers, and healthy day! 'Tis I, the rapscallion bard, the virtuoso tale-teller, the
one and only SwedishChef here to regale you with another tale. We have your choice of beef, chicken, pork or lamb
shish-kebobs grilling in the kitchen, and the drinks are free flowing!
Now, as some of you may remember, your wonderful host has been having some troubles of
late with a co-worker that we still call "Kenny". Kenny is still employeed and is still wreaking havoc
on the good 'Chef's nerves, which is not a healthy way to live one's life.
Recently, an employee of the company brought a laptop in claiming that it would not boot. No
big deal. Kenny is the one to receive said laptop and begins to trouble shoot it. Now, this laptop arrived
two weeks ago. Kenny looked at it and proclaimed the hard drive to have expired. Now, no actual tests
were done, other than booting the machine. And, according to Kenny, the drive was not seen by the system
during his one boot.
Now, being the resident laptop/desktop tech, and being certified by three different manufacturers to
provide warranty service for their various models of machines, our good hero did offer to examine the
laptop to try and determine the issue. Was it a faulty drive? Perhaps a failed connector on the mainboard?
Perchance a conflict of an unknown nature? Whatever the possible reason, our hero had free time and
felt that ordering a $300 replacement drive on Kenny's say-so was probably not in the company's best
interest, considering some of his previous troubleshooting "conclusions".
So, our knight with shining tools did bring the ailing portable computer to his cubicle and did press the
power button to see if there were any error codes or beeps on boot. There were none. In fact, there were
no indications of any problems at all as our knight was greeted with the dulcet tones of the Windows 2000
startup wav file. Puzzled by this, but still willing to believe there may be some sort of fault, our knight
shut the system down and inserted his trusty Drive Fitness Test (DFT) disk into the floppy and re-started.
The program loaded, detected the drive and performed it's duly designated tests. Upon completion, it
presented our hero with a green screen indicating that all was well with the system.
Now, our hero was beginning to wonder about the supposed "issues" with said miniature computer. But,
being thorough, he decided to stress test the machine to see if it was an intermittent problem that was
triggered when the system board had heated up sufficiently. Perhaps a trace was expanding and causing issues.
So, once again a floppy disk was inserted, and this time Memtest83 was run on the system, and left to
run all night.
Returning in the morning, our Paragon of Technical Support did note that the system was still running
and that it had competed twenty some iterations without an error. And the system did reboot successfully. Now,
our hero began to smell something of a rat. Or perhaps a weasel. At any rate, he did make his way to the
manufacturer's website and did download their diagnostic software. And it ran through it's battery of tests and
did pronounce the system to be of good health. So, our hero went to find Kenny to get some more information.
"Kenny, what exactly was wrong with this system? As thou can see, it runneth fine!", spake our good 'Chef.
"Nay, 'Chef, thou art mistaken! It does not work!" said the Starfish in disguise.
"Umm, no, as thou can see, it does function, as evidenced by the display showing a desktop and icons!",
proclaimed our hero.
Not one to be swayed by the facts and evidence before him, Kenny did pronounce that it was a faulty machine
as it had, quote, "Given an error of 0x0000001e". Once. Only once. Never to be repeated. Now, our Paladin of the
LART is a forgiving man, but could not believe his ears! The situation had gone from No Hard Drive on Boot to
Windows Coughed Up One Error!
Sigh.
Again, Kenny was not be dissuaded of his diagnosis! He insisted that the error meant there was a problem with
the hard drive and that it should be replaced. So, being the thorough Bastard that he can be, the 'Chef did
a Google search on that error code, with Kenny observing. And there were many returns from Google concerning the
mysterious 0x0000001e error. There was one relating to ATI video cards. And one relating to a keyboard error.
And several relating to various Windows System dll files. Yet no where was there one that so convincingly stated
"Your hard drive is now a paperweight. Please replace it."
Again, not one to believe his own eyes, Kenny derided our hero and his technical abilities. And this was the last
straw, so to speak. The 'Chef had been under a great deal of stress of late, and was no longer satisfied with
holding his tongue in check, and Kenny did receive the full brunt of it this day.
"Kenny, you are truly a piece of work. Seriously. You pronounce the hard drive dead because of ONE FUCKING
Windows error! ONE! And not even one that is truly specific! No! It has NUMEROUS causes and fixes! But no, you
don't believe me when I tell you this fucking computer has NOTHING WRONG WITH IT! Obviously, when the company
hired me to do support on these machines, the fact that I have been trained and certified by the manufacturer had
NOTHING to do with it! I was obviously hired for my good looks and witty catch-phrases! Because, obviously, the
fact that you've never opened a laptop for repair, or dealt with these issues numerous times over the last few years,
or even the fact that the manufacturer's CUSTOM DIAGNOSTIC SOFTWARE proclaims the system to be free
of hardware problems, YOU are correct in your assertation that a new hard drive needs to be ordered! Well, all I can
say is 'I don't fucking care!'. You want to order the drive? Go ahead. You can replace it. You can reload the operating
system from scratch, as we don't have recovery CDs. You can reload all the other programs and the user's data. And I,
I will make note of all this and file it away. And when the boss wants to know why the job hasn't been completed for
two weeks, since the new drive is on back order, you can explain why this perfectly fine system is sitting on YOUR
fucking desk doing nothing.
As you can probably tell, I was, and still am, pissed about this whole thing. The laptop is still sitting on his
desk, as of this writing. The hard drive HASN'T been ordered, as the guy who is supposed to do it hasn't gotten
around to it yet, even though it was requested 2 Fridays ago. And, the user is screaming for their system, as they
are a remote employee who hasn't been able to VPN in, as they don't have a system to use. I have had enough of
his incompetence, and I am now simply doing my job as described in my contract and doing a full CYA documentation
of everything. When the shit hits the fan, I know I'll be well out of splatter range.
Sorry it was more of a rant than a story. :-p
[By: SwedishChef]
Comment on Story
Comments
CHEF!!! How in the flaming flying FRELL did ou get a POST THAT LONG?!?!? AHHHH!!! Hawk's little proggies watchy MY posts to the last character! *grovel crawl* Tell me oh great post-length guru...tell me your secret... -The Coyote
Poor Coyote hasn't yet discovered the joys of posting with Firefox....
-Grue
so why did the fugging starfish turn it in to begin with? maybe that'll teach'm to turn in a functioning computer. -SGTARKyTEK
No violence ?? Seriously though get him outta there, I know what crap employees are like and it isn't worth putting yourself in an early grave. (Co-worker type the sack of spuds) :) -Armakuni
Chef.... do you perchance work for my local computer supplier?? Might you know the Great Tech who declared my mysterious computer problem to be "either hardware or software"? Sounds...erm.....similar. -mousie
Actually, Coyote, I had to cut 2 sentences out as well. I actually exceeded the character limit. Mind you, IE has a much shorter limit than Firefox. :) -SwedishChef
CYA in this case is the best thing. What a moronic dicksplat of a zombie-goat-bukkake watching tech. -CommanderData
I hope that when the shit splatters he will eat it all. This is one person who neeeds to be fired. -rockytech
"He killed Kenny!" "You... nevermind. Good on ya."
<Sorry, had to be done.> -MadJack
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55.
Dear Boss
Dear Boss,
When you hired me, you did so because my resume listed my skills as Computer Technician.
Not a furniture mover.
The employment contract I signed, and that you countersigned, described a Computer Repair Technician role.
Not a window blind cutter.
My certifications are all in the field of computers.
Not in stapler repair.
When people ask me, "What do you do for a living?" I respond with, "I fix computers."
Not "I babysit my co-workers who can't get along with each other."
I am not a courier for computer parts that "have to be at the customer's RIGHT NOW" simply because you pissed
them off earlier and are now trying to get back in their good books.
I am not a building maintenance person who will take an existing vertical blind to the local Home Depot to
have it cut and re-sized to fit a different window.
Although I carry a tool kit, it contains mainly specialized computer tools and not generic tools. Therefore,
do not ask me to put together the new meeting room table.
I am a computer technician. If you wish me to take on all these other duties, I expect commensurate pay every
two weeks.
I am a computer technician, not a slave. Do not treat me like one.
I am a computer technician, not an idiot. Do not treat me like one.
I am a computer technician, not a fool. Do not expect me to act like one.
I am a computer technician.
[By: SwedishChef]
Comment on Story
Comments
Amen to that! -YellowDart
while your here..I have a table needed built.. -neuman1812
And my stapler is not working. Cn you have a look at it for me? -rockytech
Also, my shoulder is acting up. Do I see you, or is there a form to fill out first...? -mugglemage
My stapler was acting up, but then they took it away from me. It was a brand new Swingline, I like those because they don't bind as much. <Office Space> -Answerboy
while you're here, i know it's not your job or anything, but could you take a look at my pc? <bfeg> -DedSysOp
God Dammit, Jim, I'm a computer tech, not a stapler repairman! </star trek> -Shaede
I am not an Animal. I am a Human Being..... -Stealthfan
"I'm not a number! I am a free man!"</prisoner> -ThreeBucks
Sorry - what did you say you did for a living? -Gromit
Short back and sides plz. What your not a hairdresser, well it didn't say so above? <I'll be staying at Number 6's house for a while :) > -Armakuni
When you stop over to replace my blinds, make me dinner Chef. *grin* -burrkiss
w00t.... manohman!! i wish i didn't identify with this (replacing "computer technician with business assistant, of course). Scope Of Duty!!!!! -mousie
Keep in mind that it's always good to have another career to fall back on. Join the construction union, and they will ensure that you are paid for the work you do. I doubt he wants to pay union wages, so I bet he'll stop asking. -Beeker
Look, It's got a mains lead on it - you fix it... (PC's, Printers, Kettles, Photocopiers, Hair dryers, UPS, Franking Machine, Cell phone charger...) -Wonko The Sane
We're computer techs, not yaks with computer skills like they seem to think. -MadJack
"I'm not a number! I am a free man!"</prisoner> -ThreeBucks
Phones,Faxes,Photocopiers,anything else electric (or vaguely technical).They won't belive us when we say we can't help -Westgate
I am NOT a number! I am a free numeric variable!!! -Grayhawk
I fell the same way. Excuse me, it's my turn to feed the horses and empty the cat's litter box. <grumble grumble grumble> -CyBear
The easy solution to this kind of abuse is to make sure that everything you do outside your normal job description, make sure to do it badly. Forget to tighten the screws in that new conference table, or make sure it's not level and wobbles. Super-glue the stapler closed, or remove the spring. Once you do that, they will stop asking you to do stuff outside your job-scope. ;) -docbrown01
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56.
Starfish, Losers and LARTs, Oh My! (NT)
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! The ale is stout, the roast beef hot
and juicy and the deserts are full of sugary goodness! The serving wenches are as saucy as ever and spicier than the rum!
Tonight's tale is not based on SwedishChef's work in the computer industry. Nay, 'tis a tale of every day idiocy and
the LARTs that arise from the same.
Our tale begins this recently expired Sunday, approximately mid-morning. Our hero is forced to attend his local
grocer's establishment as his pantry has run unexpectedly low of certain staples and he can not wait until his usual
Monday night shopping trip to replenish his stock. Now, the local establishment has just recently opened, and is
quite the popular place as it espouses many items at lower cost than other similar retailers. Knowing this in
advance, our hero girds himself for crowds and annoyances, but, sadly, finds himself woefully unprepared for
the sheer stupidity of the masses, even taking into account his normal cynicism concerning the average intelligence of
the local populace.
Our knight-templar procures his cart and enters the building to discover that it is not nearly as busy as he
had feared. Certainly, there are a number of customers in attendance, but not an overly extraodinary amount. Feeling
somewhat bouyed, and thusly lulled into a false sense of security, he ventures forth and proceeds to fill his cart with
various vegetables and fruits, as that is the first area in the store. Little did he know that he was about to be confronted
with several "adults" who had more in common with the vegetables than with the homo sapiens species.
Our Knight of the LART turned his cart to head down an aisle, following behind a woman doing the same. Without
warning, she comes to a dead stop in the middle of the aisle and proceeds to browse through her flyer. Please note,
she was in the MIDDLE of the aisle. Not off to one side to allow people to pass. Nay, the middle of the aisle, completely
preventing anyone to pass by with their cart. Our hero was barely able to negate the forward motion of his buggy before
it impacted with the rather generous hind quarters of said customer.
Being in a rather generous mood, our hero kindly raised his voice enough to be heard and asked the offender
to excuse herself so that he could pass. However, being a starfish in human disguise, and not having a brain, the
offending roadblock remained a roadblock extraodinaire. This caused SwedishChef some consternation, as he had
made an effort to be polite in his request. Readying a second, less civil request, our hero is thwarted by a third party!
It seems the female roadblock had a partner in crime. Or, more accurately, a fellow mobile starfish. For, as our
hero was preparing to voice his second request, he is nudged from behind by another grocery conveyance! Turning around,
he fixes the offending party with a glare that instantly communicates "You are a fucking moron that can't drive! Back off!" and
turns back to deliver his original request to the first customer. Once again, though, the lack of anything even remotely
resembling an organ capable of thought prevents the offending starfish from comprehending the danger they are in. Without
a second thought, the second starfish once again bumps their cart into the back of our hero's legs. To once again quote that
dubious radio personality know as "The Champ", SwedishChef loses it. He snaps! It's not a pretty sight.
Whipping around with terrifying speed, with murder clearly evident in his eyes, he growls, "Lady, and I use that term
very loosely, if you bump your cart into me one more time, I am going to insert it into one of your body orifices, sideways,
and follow it with whatever groceries are currently in it!"
She is shocked! Appalled! Flabbergasted! Yet, she manages to mutter that wonderful phrase: "Well! I never!"
Too which our seething Paladin of the LART responded, "While that comment may currently be correct, I am quite
willing to make sure that you will not be able to voice it truthfully ever again, so I suggest you back up a distance of at least
three feet from me!" And, fearing for her very life, she did so.
Full of righteous fury, our hero turns back to the original source of his ire to find that she is still doing her best
to imitate a speed bump. Fear not, gentle reader, for she is not to be spared the wrath of the 'Chef! Raising his voice ever so
slightly, he calmly calls out to the woman, "Lady, and again I use that term very loosely, if you do not remove yourself from
the middle of the aisle, I shall attempt to determine if these carts are capable of all-terrain travel, using you as the test
terrain!" With a look of a deer caught in a set of headlights, the woman gapes at our hero for 5 seconds before moving
her cart and herself out of the way.
And thus our hero was able to complete his shopping trip!
Folks, I know this question has been asked before, but I shall pose it again. What has happened to common sense?
Why has it become so uncommon? I honestly think that our increased knowledge in medicine has helped perpetuate the
Stupid Gene. Think about it for a moment. Before modern hospitals and drugs and treatments, if one did something stupid, like
cutting their hand off with a chainsaw, odds were that they would probably die. If it wasn't from loss of blood, it was from the
infection that would result afterwards. Play in front of stampede, and would be ground into hamburger. But, with so many
dedicated healthcare professionals, many stupid people survive. Remember the story about the moron that tried to climb
over a metal picket fence and impaled himself through the groin? He should have died. The Darwin Awards website is not so
much a list of those who were successful in their attempts to kill themselves as a register of those that did something
amazingly stupid yet were saved so that they could spread their stupidity gene onto the next generation. We must spread the
word! Stupid people should not be saved! Not if the human race is to survive and thrive!
[By: SwedishChef]
Comment on Story
Comments
Yea, Chef, this cometh from the concept of allowing others to think for thee...
"Show me someone who can see past their own aura, and I'll show you a tech..." -MadJack
I was at the local shoping center and a lady (no, more like a female dog) forced her way past me, bumping my leg in the process. I looked at her and said sarcastically "Excuse ME!" and her answer was "Well YOU'RE taking up all the space!" Except for the person with me stopping me, I would have attempted to insert the shopping trolly where it's not meant to go. Whatever happened to "Excuse me?" I always respond well to that and it takes just a few seconds. -Gerund
I'M NOT WORTHY! I'M NOT WORTHY! awesome LARTage. -p3bk4c
SC - Beware asking questions like that, you'll get answers like DD's to a similar question that I asked. http://www.techcomedy.com/users/submitted_content.php?nick=redevil34 - see comment on story #35. Can't think how to get the link to the exact story. -redevil34
First comment: Margaret Dumont: "Well, I never!" Groucho Marx: "Well, you ought to"
Second comment: Look up "Head smashed in Buffalo Jump" for a good example of a prehistoric starfish displaying this type of behaviour and being royally LARTed by nature. -Fuji
That's why I refuse to go to most supermarkets until 3am -DedSysOp
Link directly to the story:
http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=17552 -TechnoVampire
A woman once rounded a corner with one of those carts that has a plastic kid thing attached to it to make it look like a car... if you've ever seen these. She rounded the corner swiftly and ran right into me, and then said "Excuse ME!" as if it were I who ran into her. Without even thinking I let out a gutteral, reverberating belch that would have awed Barney of Simpsons fame. Her face turned beet red, and her offspring laughed uproariously. -innacsai
It's not just stupidity, it's selfishness too. People seem to have lost any consideration they had for fellow human beings and only think of themsleves. Society is getting generally ruder and more self-centred. -K1W1
Welcome to Generation Y. You tell them anything and all they reply with is WHY? WHY? WHY? -Wraith556
Could have been worse, atleast you weren't hanging out with your buddy Knuckles at the time.... -compaq42
No offense to the women here, but I find that there are two types of women in supermarkets. Those who don't pay any attention to those around you and get in your way by accident, and those who pause, look around, see you coming and then get in your way anyway. -pmillipede
Here Lies Common Sense, Died August 1981, due to the release of the open architecture PC. R.I.P. -Armakuni
Because school told them they were special and smart even when they weren't. Who are you to argue? -knothere
On a technical note, the second bump from the person behind you would be considered assault. Personally, after the second bump, I would have faked a pratfall (using the fine examples set by Chevy Chase and Dick van Dyke) and asked for the store manager on duty. -virtualchoirboy
I agree that people have become more self-centered, inconsiderate, and stupid. I've also noticed as I aged (38 now) I have MUCH less patience for people doing stupid things. I see this on the highways and in the store. If I'm stopping to check my list or look at the shelving MY cart is off to the side to allow people to pass. I also control my hellspawn (mostly) when I take them shopping. People suck. -Starfury
Uggggh... these things. Fucking extras from the living dead movies... Its why i have taken to bringing the airhorn with the 3.5 oz tank. The first ignored "Excuse me." is followed up by a short blast on the horn and a growled "Well you damm well fucking heard that so your not deaf!" Every time they try to open their mouth to respond they get the horn. Im going to get arrested sooner or later. Im pleading emotional distress. -TeamWolfguard
A few weeks ago I was in good-ole Wally World, pushing my cart through the much-too-narrow grocery aisle made even narrower by the human-type beings on the sides. I say "Excuse me," several times as I try to push my empty cart through when a small lad, I would guess about 4 or 5 fell backwards from the side of the aisle through no fault of mine and nearly collided with my cart. To which I said, "That's why I was saying 'Excuse me.'" To which, his "parental unit" remarked what sounded like, "He's deaf, he can't hear 'Excuse me.'" Now, did this young lad have any hearing aides or anything else to indicate this? No. I managed to resist the urge to turn around and tell the parental unit, "Then it is YOUR duty, YOUR responsiblity, sir, to protect him from any potential unheard dangers, such as somebody passing by him in a grocery store jam-packed with people!" And to think, later I got behind the same family walking much too slowly. Stupid people. Ahhh!!!! -kman52000
at 120dB even the deaf kid will take notice of this horn. Its left over from my paintball days. Its my Reffs starting horn. -TeamWolfguard
This is why I advocate taking "This product contains nuts" off of bags of nuts and jars of peanut butter. If you can't figure out that your peanut butter has nuts in it, you can get off my planet. -Kensai7
<Golf Clap> Great LART. </Golf Clap> -BayAreaTech
People do this everywhere.... they'll wait in front of the door to an elevator and expect to get on before others get off... what, ya think we're all holding the elevator on the ground floor waiting for YOU? Get the fuck outta the way or you'll be going UP, alright... headfirst into the ceiling winch... -MadJack
The reason this happens is because there are too damm many people in the world. When I was a kid I read about an experiment with rats. A large habitat was built and a few breeding pairs were put in. They multiplied as rats do. They always had plenty of food etc. As the rats became overcrowded they started acting abnormal. Fights for no reason and some started killing and eating the young. All due to overcrowding. Sound familiar? -atomicbill
It's not just the Stupid Gene, it's also the Idontgiveashitaboutanyoneelse Gene. -concept14
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57.
Further Adventures with Kenny
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! The ale keg is freshly tapped, the venison freshly caught and the serving wenches are just plain fresh! 'Tis I, the famous (or is that infamous?) Swedishchef, here to delight your ears with another tale!
Now, to provide a bit of backgroud before we start. In early 2003, our hero did study for, and pass, the exam to become A+ certified. This was a pre-requisite for him to obtain a job in PC Laptop/Desktop repair. Once gainfully employed in the desired position, our hero was sent forth to the bowels of IBM for certification training on their specific models of laptops and desktops. Now, these certifications are by no means overly difficult. If one can build a clone PC, one can swap parts for an IBM desktop. Laptops are a little more difficult, but by no means impossible. However, without special training concerning this, one can make mistakes when dealing with laptops. This is where our tale begins.
As some of you may remember, our hero has recently had the "pleasure" of dealing with a co-worker named "Kenny". Now, our hero would like it to be known that Kenny is a nice guy. He is very knowledgeable concerning specific things. However, this knowledge does not apply to everything, and this is where Kenny becomes an annoyance.
Recently, our hero undertook a repair for a customer. Said customer had an older IBM laptop that had come pre-installed with WindowsME. Now, of course, that is a problem in and of itself, but this poor little laptop had never been reloaded in it's entire 5 year existance. It's 5gb hard drive had only 200mb free space left on it! Needless to say, this situation was causing the laptop some discomfort, and it was expressing this by corrupting files in the Windows directory, causing video display issues, trackpoint lockups and similar acts of rebellion. Our hero examined the system and deemed it recoverable, provided the data was removed and the system restore CD applied. Contacting the client, our hero explained his findings and his plan of action, received permission to do so, and a list of data that the client would like recovered. This is where Kenny gets into the act.
As our hero has a laptop, and not a desktop, and the problem laptop did not have a network port, he deemed that the most time efficient course of action would be to remove the drive, connect it to a drive convertor and connect that to Kenny's PC, as the side panel to Kenny's PC was already off, and he had a CD burner installed as well. So, our hero, being the diplomatic soul that he is, approached Kenny and requested that he shut down his PC and connect the drive and then burn the specified data onto a CD. Well! This was unacceptable! Kenny wanted to know why our hero was not endeavouring to fix the OS!
Kenny: "Good 'Chef! If the video driver is corrupt, re-install it! If there is a conflict with the trackpoint device, resolve it! If there are program errors being generated, research them and resolve them!"
'Chef: "Nay, good sir. That is not an appropriate use of mine time! Permission has been received from the customer for the course of action listed, so we shall follow that. We are talking about WindowsME! These issues will never be properly resolved without a full reload, and even then it is just a matter of time before the OS self destructs once again."
Kenny: "Very well, good 'Chef, I shall plug it in right away! There is no need to power down the system. I plug in IDE drives while the system is live all the time!"
'Chef: "Are thou MAD! This is not some drive that we care not about! This is a customer's device, with important data on it! Laptop drives are not hot-swappable! Neither are IDE drives, for the most part, but that is another argument for another day!"
Kenny: "'Chef, thou dost worry too much! Nothing shall happen to this drive! If you are so worried, I shall take the USB drive housing that I have and plug it into that first, and then connect the USB housing to the system!"
'Chef: "Kenny, if you wish to live to see the morrow, you will do as I say! You will power down your system before connecting this drive, or I shall connect you to my car's battery via jumper cables, whilst it is running, to show you what this poor drive will experience!"
Kenny: "Nay, good 'Chef! You need not fear this so much! Nothing will happen to yon drive!"
'Chef: "Really? Are thou so sure? Let me ask you, Kenny, just how many laptop drives have you connected to a running computer?"
Kenny: "Well, truthfully, none."
'Chef: "Well, then, Kenny, let me explain a little something to you. Prior to coming to work for this company, I worked for another company in a similar capacity. On a weekly basis, I would have to transfer data off a customer's drive in order to do a system restore. I have personally damaged laptop drives irrepairably, by accidentally connecting them to a machine that I thought was powered down. I only made that mistake twice. Once, connecting to an IDE cable and once using a USB connection, thinking as you did, that the USB portion would protect the drive from the sudden surge of power as it was connected. Luckily, in both cases, the only data we were trying to retrieve was some MP3s and school documents for students, so there was no issue. This drive belongs to a customer and contains important business data. Data that can not be easily replaced. Data that does not have a dollar value to us, but is priceless to the customer. I have successfully connected upwards of 150 drives to a powered down system and retrieved data when the data was not corrupted by bad sectors or a faulty data transfer bus. Now, unless you have magically gained the exact same experience in the time that it took me to explain this to you, I suggest you do as I say before I am forced to carry out my earlier threat concerning my car battery, jumper cables, and your person!"
Thus, peace was restored, the drive connected to a powered down system, and data retrieved on power up, and the customer received a freshly restored PC and a copy of his data on CD.
Once again, dear reader, we learn that the SwedishChef does not suffer fools gladly. Nay, he does not suffer them at all! And, this should be a warning to others. Laptop hard drives are far more sensitive than standard IDE or SCSI drives and are not something to be trifled with by someone with delusions of adequacy.
[By: SwedishChef]
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"I never use wriststraps" - said to me by a technician who was infamous for the number of computers that didn't work properly after he'd been at them. -Gerund
Ah yes, wrist straps - a friend of mine had to take an A+ certification course at a college because it was a prerequisite; the instructor told her that wrist straps were not required. Ummm... the A+ manuals state wrist straps ARE required, so I have no idea what this teacher was thinking - if anything at all. -teivrann
While hooking a drive to an external case is a better solution than slaving it on either channel in the case, having something like this http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=41993&item=6718435001&rd=1 is even better and far easier to work with. Plus, it even works in Linux. Every tech shop should have one. -BayouTech
Speaking of IBM laptops, Chef, might I enlist your advice on one that is broken? Have you maintained your expertise upon the products of said manufacturer? -NightSteel
This laptop soundeth a goodly amount like the one I just aquired... Would it be, perchance, a Thinkpad 1200i? (Mine *used* to have WinME on it before I installed Slack 10) -LinuXtreme
WinME? Days of yore indeed. I think, perhaps, that ye spin a tale much in common with a yarn or two that I have penned. Do ye think that your words will have a permanent effect on thy cow-irker? -scooby111
Should have let rip with the jump leads idea any way, important part of the learning process. <eg> Great story, food's good too. -Armakuni
The story is as good as ever sir chef, however, the mead seams a bit soured tonight...did you change brewmasters? -wolfprince
Take no notice, 'Chef - Wolf wouldn't know the true taste of properly matured mead if it rotted it's way through his feet (the objects most likely to be in his mouth). I, on the other hand, being not only English but an ex-resident of Cornwall (home of English mead) proclaim the aforementioned brew to be excellent, as indeed is the venison. (blows raspberry at WolfPrince and legs it for Pond Life clutching a spare haunch of venison...) -Gromit
another great tale chef. -rhiannon
Great tale my good man. HOWEVER as a chef I'm amazed that you would not care to hang your venison to develop its flavour. Also, strictly speaking mead is "made" & not brewed, even though it does involve an anaerobic yeast fermentation process, usually employing Saccharomyces cerevisiae (brewers yeast). </pedantic bugger>
-lineswine
Wolfprince, please note that we had tapped the ALE keg, not the MEAD keg. I have no idea whose mead you are drinking, but if it tastes like warm piss, might I suggest that you are perhaps drinking RECYCLED ale? <off to the LART shelter I go!> -SwedishChef
Oddly enough I don't use wrist straps either, but I do have a conductive strip in my boots, does the same thing usually. And I think kenny needs an accident or two preferably with lots of voltage :) -fearmyroot
Just gimme a tap for the stout keg and no one gets hurt, aye? Quite the medieval LART there, though I would make sure the clamps were...tightened thoroughly upon his person... -T23M
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58.
Tandem LART (And apology to DELL )
Gather round, attentive readers, gather round! The stew is warm and thick, the roast beef cooked to perfection and the drinks are plentiful. After far too long an absence, I have returned to entertain you once again!
Our tale is a more recent one, having occurred but two weeks ago. Picture, if you will, a medium size company numbering roughly 100 employees. Said company is purchased by a similarily sized company of better financial standing, resulting in a larger final company.
For the nonce, we shall skip the gory details of moving Company A ( the purchased company) next to Company B (the purchasing company), for they are many and distracting, and shall be related anon. We shall further skip the horrors of moving and consolidating 40 odd servers to fit into a server room designed to hold 20. And we shall never discuss the nightmares generated by having to recable a patch panel of 144 connections, none of which were labelled or mapped on the building floorplan. No, instead we shall focus on the time when the 'Chef was to call Dell Technical Support for an issue.
It seems that Company A had a Powervault enclosure containing 5 SCSI Hard Drives arranged in a RAID 5 array. Said Powervault was connected to a Poweredge server, and both were both content with their lots in life while in the original building. However, upon arriving at Company B's location and being properly mounted in a rack, they decided they were no longer talking to each other. It shall never be known as to what the lover's quarrel was about, but the result was that the server could see the drives in the enclosure, but simply registered them as FAILED.
Of course, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, as the last backup was 24 hours prior, but there had been more data accumulated prior to the move that was rather important. So, the 'Chef, our ever dashing hero, his admin and the admin from Company A did gather around the pernacious hardware to try and get them communicating again. Love potions were proffered. Prayers were uttered. Voodoo was chanted. Threats were promised. Yet, the metal boxes, being surprisingly obstinate, refused to co-operate. Thus, admitting that perhaps stronger measures were required, it was decided that our hero would contact Dell to see if they could remedy the situation.
Now, the 'Chef knows what you are thinking! "Why, O Wonderous Chef, would you abase yourself and contact Dell? Do you not know that their 'helpdesk' is staffed by poor, under-educated people from another country? And that they are forced, on the threat of pain and dismemberment, to recite from a script? Why would you subject yourself to that torture?" Well, gentle reader, fear not! It seems that their Enterprise level support is still maintained primarily in the United States, as evidenced by the subtle accent from the fine gentleman on the other end of the phone lines.
Now, having suffered through three years on the phones, our hero did dutifully answer the opening questions and proceeded to describe his issue to "Daniel". And Daniel was attentive and did quickly realize that the 'Chef was somewhat knowledgeable, and together they began to bring the two metal monstrosities to heel. And then, disaster! 'Chef's admin, whom we shall call "Kenny", did appear to wreak havoc!
Whilst discussing a gameplan with Daniel, our hero was interrupted by Kenny, who wanted to "try something". Now, it shall be known that nothing was really "tried", as all were concerned about losing data, and thus was the primary reason for calling Dell in the first place. It was figured that if anything went wrong, it would not be on the heads of the people in the company, but on Dell, rightly or wrongly. But, apparently, Kenny had decided that he was immune to such failings, and that he would try to resolve the issue on his own! So, reluctantly, our hero asked Daniel to wait a moment while Kenny "worked his magic", knowing that it would fail. And Daniel was kind enough to wait. And when Kenny failed, Daniel had our hero make some changes in the RAID setup and read back the results.
Progress was made. A game plan was devised. And then Kenny got another "brainstorm!" Well, really, it was hardly a drizzle, but he was impressed with himself. And thus, our hero and Daniel were forced to wait once more. And they were not happy. And they joked and laughed and returned to work once again when Kenny reported his second failure.
Soon it was decided that the RAID array would be broken and rebuilt, but not initialized, and this should restore the array to it's functional settings. But, no, it was not to be! For it seems that Kenny had another gust of wind flow through his brainpan, and felt he had a solution. But, our hero, and Daniel, had had enough!
SC: "Kenny, if you do not stop this nonsense, I shall be forced to smack you upside the head with some vigour, while pretending not to enjoy it!"
Kenny: "But, good 'Chef, I have another bright idea...."
Daniel, into 'Chef's ear: "Please tell your co-irker [Yes, I could actually *hear* the purposeful mis-spelling! - ed] that I do this four or five times a day, five days a week, and that anything else he attempts may forever lose your data!"
SC: "Kenny, the nice Dell tech has just informed me that if you don't leave things alone, he shall be forced to climb through the telephone lines and assist me in smacking you upside the head, and pretend not to enjoy it as well!"
And thus, Kenny was forced to sit down and behave himself, for he was facing not one LART, but a tandem LART, and this was not something to look forward to.
And, thus, we learn yet again to not annoy the 'Chef. For he shall not put up with shit from people who do not know what they are doing. And, if Daniel from Dell is reading this, I once again apologize for "Kenny's" actions. He was thoroughly chastised by me once more after you resolved the issue and I got off the phone.
[By: SwedishChef]
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hehe, good larting...uhm, also, can I have some more roast beef? -Darth
very nice! welcome back sir chef! you have been missed. -wolfprince
whoooo ale and chef stories, doesnt get any better than this. -rhiannon
Heh. Very nicely done. -rockytech
The LART is a elegant weapon for a more civilised age. It must be used with subtlety and finesse. -Wraith556
I don't usually post comments like this but that was great!!! -BTcall
Excellent tale, well recounted as usual. The roast beef isn't bad either... -Gromit
Always good to read a post by the Master. Superb LART. -Armakuni
The FARCE is *strong* with this one. Eh, Chef ? BORK! BORK! BORK! -Necros
Meddle not in the affairs of chefs, for they are subtle, and quick to anger. Nice job! -RiffRaff
Bravisimo! Excellent Roast Beef too! Now, where is my ale? -ecoli
Great double LART! And do we want to know why no one did a backup immediately before moving the servers "just in case"? -sassicatz
Great story, but slightly disappointing. I was so looking forward to chanting "Oh my God, you killed Kenny. You bastard!"</south park> -virtualchoirboy
Welcome back, 'Chef, and thanks for the ales and tales! -SalParadise
Great story. I've had similar experiences with Dell's business support. They seem to be very good. -VIPERsssss
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59.
I'm still alive!
Greetings, all.
First off, I wish to apologize for not posting/commenting much in the past few weeks. Work has been crazy. Lucky for all of you, tho, I've got lots of stories from it.
Just to give you an idea of how rough it has been: I have just completed 2 weeks of 80 hours each. Two weekends where I completed 33+ hours (each weekend!) of overtime.
Now, if you'll all excuse me for a bit, I'm going to go unconcious for several hours now.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Damnation, man...how DO you do it? I'd be entering rigor mortis by now. :/ -snowcrash
Zzzzzz... -LadySharky
Nah, we saved room for your star-enhanced butt - it'll be here for when you wake up again! *grin* -teivrann
Cancel the party guys - he's still alive! <g> (the last LARTing got from him will be NOTHING compared with what I've got coming when he wakes up and reads this...) -Gromit
Um, will somebody give him his cleavers back for me? Just say you found them in the LART shelter. He'll blame WolfPrince for them going MIA. Thanks. -RiffRaff
Finally my target is back! *readies the ballons* -Taterlain
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60.
Reader Discretion is Advised. Rated NC17
The following RANT has been rated R, NC17, and a few other adult ratings for extreme coarse language. Reader discretion is advised.
I am fucking ready to explode! ARRRRRRRRRGHGHGHGHGHGHGHG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As you may have noticed, I've been somewhat quiet the last couple of weeks. No stories, few comments, and few Break Room posts. Well, obviously, there has been a reason.
First, the boss wants me to get certified on hardware for a certain 2 letter computer manufacturer. 3 certifications. In 2 weeks. Fuck that!
Second, I have to deal with said manufacturer to get us Warranty Authorized. This process, of course, takes TWO FUCKING MONTHS TO COMPLETE! But, of course, that's not fucking FAST ENOUGH for my boss.
Third, I have to deal with a certain 3 letter computer manufacturer because THEY don't have a fucking record of the fucking certs that I've completed with them! Never mind the fact that they are they ONLY fucking morons that don't provide ME, the fucking technician, with a copy of my fucking service number, because that's the fucking way they work!
Fourth, I have to fucking fight with said 3 letter computer manufacturer because they can't fucking update their fucking databases in a fucking timely manner, even though they fucking supposedly found all my information and have put it in. But, go to their fucking website, and we're STILL not fucking listed as a repair site! It's been FOUR FUCKING WEEKS! So much for being the Fucking Leader in "On Demand Fucking e-Business Solutions!"
Fifth, on top of all this fucking shit, I still have to do regular customer calls. Of course, this means that the above stuff gets delayed, which means I have people breathing down my fucking neck because it's taking too fucking long!
Sixth, I get sales people booking me for fucking calls. Only, they don't fucking listen when I tell them that I don't have the skills to complete some of these calls and to book the other tech. Nope. Don't fucking listen. Until 2 fucking minutes before I'm to leave, and I'm in the car, and they come out the fucking door and say "Don't worry, we're sending other technician instead!"
Seventh, there is no seventh. It's your imagination.
Eighth, I've got stress at home (actually, more or less GOOD stress, which I shall reveal at a later date), but, none-the-less stress that is making it difficult to sleep at night, so I'm always fucking tired. Which, of course, makes me fucking grouchy at work. Which, of course, means I bite people's fucking heads off when they fucking annoy me. Which means they are starting to notice and are bitching about my fucking grouchiness
So, to sum up, I'm moving into my permanent room in the LART shelter. I am closing the door. I am cranking the music, plugging in my PC and a few game consoles for some fucking FRAGGING time, and I don't want to be disturbed by anyone. And, yes, my cleavers are sharpened and within arms reach.
You have been warned
We now return you to your normal frivolity and happiness. Thank you, and good night. Elvis has left the building. The fat lady has sung. The fans have left the stadium. The last person out has turned off the lighs.
[By: SwedishChef]
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If it makes you feel better, the last 2 weeks, I've been putting in 90 hour weeks between my 3 jobs (programmer full time, working for parents, and running my own tech support company...) -garwain
*turns out the lights and heads to the lart shelter to get her butt kicked at UT2k4* -rhiannon
I empathize, mano. Insomnia makes everything else orders of magnitude worse. -Owie
The truly sad thing? That's only HALF the stuff. I just tired of writing. :( -SwedishChef
Good stress at home could only be one thing (unless I'm completely wrong)... somebody's pregnant? Okay, maybe it could be other things, but that's my guess. -EagleEye
Seventh--there is no seventh, there is only ZUL. You need a visit to a liquor store. -vacuumtubes
Hey Swede... I got room in my basement shelter. Between your cleavers and my ICBLs, I think we can hold out a while. -RiffRaff
<Sends a fresh case of Starfish to Riff's house> Go get 'em boys! -Hellion
Sending bunny calming karma to you SC. -Rabbitt
Hang in there, Chef. This, too, shall pass. -MadJack
Joins the fragging to give SC an easy target. Good luck dude!! -NoNoice
Some people react to stress by overindulging in drugs and alcohol, overeating, or pursuing lots of sex. I say, why stop with just one? -thx1138
Here's hoping everything turns out for the best. Best wishes -teivrann
Damn that sucks, Chef! Hang in there man! -hkypipe
* starts to slip 'flat' food under the door to Chef* i'm sure youll get hungry -- pizza seems to fit
and pop tarts.. cant get beer under there though.. if you'll put a small hole through the wall, we'll hook a hose into the keg. -Harm
"Sixth, I get sales people booking me for fucking calls." ....if it'll help, I'm sure some of us would volunteer to take this off your hands. -karlata
AWw SwedishChef...this is totally not a post I expected coming from you. I know you didn't request karma, but I got a new vegetable knife and intend to use it to its full extent. (The thing's so sharp you can chop tomatoes like wood. I wonder what it will do to starfish?!) -Mango
I was Bumped up to a Manager of the Main store a few months ago, more work load, more reponsibilies , more to learn, everything to keep track of, NO Pay Raise, and Just getting by paying off the bills, Loans and other crap, Vacation ? whats that? -Deadagent
Shit oh dear! I'm NOT sending you any karma, good wishes or sympathy - this calls for some DRASTIC action. Stand clear! <blasts hole in SC's bunker with shaped charge, presses Gromit's last bottle of 1996 Grahams LBV Port into SC's quivering hand> That ought to help ease the pain a little... -Gromit
That sucks man. Hang in there. My advise to you.. is to drink heavily -rockytech
I've noticed whe i get stressed, my driving suffers - regularly topping 110mph home, and sliding round the roundabouts. I dont get as stressed at SwedishChef though. Hang in there! -trs998
Ooooh, SC, that is baaaad! About time to "inform2 your dickhead boss about "hostile working conditions", OSHA, etc. The fucktard NEEDS a MegaLARTing, right back into the real world. Whilst we're at it, the salesdroids need a good dose of "anti-bullshit" too. N.B. Try telling the cunts "NO"...your life DOES NOT belong to them & that they could try *gasp* keeping THEIR OWN PROMISES (Can you tell I've been in a similar situation to yourself?) -lineswine
Good stress like trying to/ have recently started a spawn? -HappyCrappy
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61.
LARTing the Educated!
Gather round, fair and gentle folk, gather round! The roast beef is succulent and the vegetables are crisp and fresh! The drinks are plentiful and free! But, ware ye of the serving staff, for they are fickle. SwedishChef is here to entertain you once again!
Our tale occurs during our hero's brief return to college, around 1995. He saw that computers were going to be "the thing", and decided to return to school to take a Computer Programming Co-Op program. That was a mistake, for reasons to be discussed later, but before the 'Chef decided programming was not for him, he was subjected to numerous starfish. Today, you shall learn about one of them. The others shall wait for another day.
SwedishChef had screwy work load. He was two classes short in the first term, and was attempting to be excused from another class in the second term. This class was called "DOS Basics". Now, the discussion as to why "DOS Basics" appeared on the second term of the curriculum, after "Programming in C" appeared in the first term, is also for another time. In fact, this tale is going to skip two other side tales in the interest of being somewhat brief. (No comments from the peanut gallery concerning my brevity, thank you very much! - ed) Suffice to say, since Windows 95 was de rigeur at the time, and our hero had cut his teeth on DOS 3.3, he felt that having to sit through three months of creating batch files and directories and whatnot was a torture akin to watching twenty-four straight hours of Barney shows.
Now, our hero was not fully cognizant of the procedures for being exempt from a class at this time. And, sadly, due to several starfish impeding his quest, it took him four weeks to learn the process. By that time, it was too late to replace the DOS course with a third term course, but SwedishChef was not to be swayed, for it had become something of an albatross around his neck. Thus, when he finally learned that he had to request a challenge from the professor to prove that he knew his stuff, he was more than eager to partake of such a challenge. Thus, our tale gets interesting.
Our Cavalier approached the professor, whom we shall dub "Professor Dorkus" for shits and giggles. And he did request that he be allowed to take the test for exemption. Thusly, the following conversation did occur.
SC: "Yea, good sir! I wish to test my knowledge of DOS against your experience! Should I prove the equal or better, I wish to be discharged from yon class."
PD: "Is this true? Thou think that thou is better than I? Dost thou truly believe that thou doth have the chance of passing mine test as that of a spherical collection of ice particles surviving in the furnaces of Hades? Nay! Be off! Bother me no longer, as I am important and above such petty matters!"
SC: "Sirrah! Dost thou take me for a fool? If I had a gauntlet, I would strike thee across the face for such an insult!"
PD: "Very well, foolish knave! Meet me in mine office at this time on this date, and I shall give you a 'pre-test' to see if shall waste my time with any more of your foolishness!"
And so, our hero, now seething with pent up rage, did remove himself from Professor Dorkus' presence and prepared himself for the skirmish ahead. And, on the appointed date, at the appointed time, he did join a battle of wits with Professor Dorkus, and was triumphant! Therefore, he earned the right to take the take the test. Verily, it was a long test, but our hero was up to the task and did pass the test.
Now, our Knight of the LART had prepared himself for his final meeting with Professor Dorkus. Knowing that he was successful, and knowing that it was eating away at the mind of Professor Dorkus, our hero strutted into the Professor's office. With a jubilant gleam in his eye, he unzipped and opened his jacket, proudly displaying his newly acquired t-shirt. A raiment purposely chosen for this occaision. An accoutrement that had a picture of a man, bent over, with his cranium inserted into his rectum. And scribed below said picture was the following proclamation: "I'm just trying to see things from your point of view!"
And Professor Dorkus, seeing the celebratory look in our Knight of the LART's face, as well as the derogatory clothing obviously directed at him, simply handed over the marked test and the document exonerating our hero from the class, and turned back to his work. But not before receiving an exultant wink from the dashing SwedishChef.
And thus we learn, gentle readers, that just because one is educated doesn't mean that one can't be taught something new. Like respect. Courtesy. Honour. Yea, even that one should not mess with the SwedishChef!
[By: SwedishChef]
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Me thinks the people who do the hiring are not quite adept at explain how the default user names and passwords are comparised. She should have been told that info months ago. -mccallister
Ignore thy comment Sir Chef. It was for a post I start but deleted. Darned these infernal comments quirks. -mccallister
Always remember the axiom: Those who can't do, teach. :) -EagleEye
Those that CAN do, do it...doesn't mean they can *teach* worth s**t...a good teacher needs both the skills being taught and TEACHING skills.... -CTYankee
(grabs popcorn/comfy chair and waits for Magenta or Riff to *reply* to EagleEye) -virtualchoirboy
*snarls @ Eagle* I was raised by two teachers. Two spectacularly ABLE & GIFTED teachers. I am of the opinion that one must know even MORE of the subject if one is to impart it to others. You have to be able to think 3 steps beyond to truly explain things in a reasonable way. <Larts EE gently but thoroughly> -Nonamys
Both of MY parents are also teachers. My Father happens to teach Electrical Engineering...and is right good at it. -Darth
There are three kinds of teachers - those who can (whether or not they choose to); those who could but for some physical limitation (but are well-versed in the subject at hand); and those that can't, and thing that they know of which they teach but do not. sadly, while the third type is the minority, they get the majority of the attention leaving the competent majority with the undeserved reputation of being less than knowledgable or skilled in the subject matter because they teach it instead of doing it. -- and you can quote me on that. -OgdenTechGuy
Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, administrate. -EmleyMoor
Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, administrate. -EmleyMoor
Eeek, a double! I achieved that in an odd way! -EmleyMoor
Those who can't stand starfish...abuse the holy living hell out of the mute button. -itwasntme
I'm in the silent majority of those who impart wisdom. Those who know the subject and can teach it. -srteach
<Forwards this post to Magenta> Any last words, EagleEye? -RiffRaff
I've had GREAT teachers who MADE use of their knowledge by denying it to us. Which they did so to force us to use the materials at hand and learn to research it for ourselves. We used to think him a fool who knew not the truth, and thusly did just teach. But nay! He was the best teacher any of us had ever had. I should go visit him some time. I'll see the next time I get out of work early. Yet on the other hand, I've had BAD teachers who knew how to read from the book on a level any starfish could understand because they were at that same level. *scratchs head* Perhaps that made them great teachers.... My brain hurts now. -MaskedMarauder
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62.
The Rare Triple LART!
Gather round, ladies and gentlemen, gather round! There is free beer in the LARTShelter (according to the forums area, anyways) and there are munchies. Don't step on wolfprince's tail, for it is still tender from others tripping over it. SwedishChef is here to entertain all the Floridian tech's taking shelter from the incoming hurricane.
This tale harkens back to the days when SwedishChef had just started his career as a FloorWalker. He was in training on the first day on his job, and as luck would have it, he and his mentor were to encounter a thief of truly monumental brainlessness.
The day was wet and cold, and as such, there were few customers. So, the mentor was busy showing the 'Chef how to observe potential shoplifters whilst pretending to shop. There are many ways to do so, making use of instore displays and whatnot to hide oneself from observation of the quarry, and the 'Chef shall not bore you with details. Rather, whilst practicing said art near the tool aisle, our hero was thoroughly flabbergasted when our antagonist appeared in front of him, on the other side of an aisle display, and promptly pocketed 2 Vise Grip tools without a care as to whom was watching! Verily, our Paladin did doubt his own eyes, for this was truly foolhardy. But, as the mentor had also observed this from another angle, they were in pursuit! The game was afoot! The hound had scented the fox! Other such silly cliches were in use!
Skipping ahead over the dreary details of observing the culprit until he left the store, the 'Chef and his mentor didst confront the varlet and place him under arrest. And things truly became bizarre then.
Said knave was escorted to a back office to be processed. During this travel, several odiferious odours did arise from the rear quarters of the knave. So noxious were these fumes that the 'Chef did put to good use his swimming skills by holding his breath for the 3 minute jaunt! Verily, the rascal did complain of serious gastrointestinal discomfort! Not wanting to have to clean up such a mess, the 'Chef and his mentor (hereafter referred to as the Dynamic Duo) had him quickly empty his pockets and divest himself of all his illgotten booty (or is that illbooten gotty?) before escorting him to the nearest facilities to allow him to alleviate his discomfort.
Upon his return, the Dynamic Duo requested his ID for processing purposes. Being a cad, and none to bright, our villan attempted to play the Dynamic Duo for fools by claiming he did not have any on him. And, whilst doing so, he removed from his wallet, in plain view of said Duo, his driver's license, credit cards and age of majority card and placed them in an envelope, which he addressed to himself! He, of course, provided us with a phony name, complete with mis-spelling. How did the Dynamic Duo know that the name was mis-spelled, you ask? Simple! The name he provided was Portugese in nature. The mentor was Portugese by descent. He was quite familiar with the proper spellings of said name! Thus, the heel was LARTed the first time by the mentor for lying. But, this did not dissuade him! Nay, he was far to dumb to give up that easily!
After going through the motions of filling out the paperwork, knowing they were going to have to do it all over again, the Dynamic Duo sat and awaited the arrival of the constabulary. During this time, our scoundrel decided that he was no longer afraid of the Dynamic Duo, and that it was time for him to be on his way. Sadly, in this event, he was also mistaken. For the Dynamic Duo did proceed to block the egress. When the scoundrel began to bluster and swagger, he was LARTed a second time, this time by our good 'Chef. Verily, the scoundrel pronounced, "Enough! I am leaving and you can't stop me!" Of course, our Knight of the LART has a vicious tongue, and did use it to cow the miscreant. "Nay!", spake the 'Chef, "You shall not pass! Take stock of the situation! You are all of 5 foot 6 and approximately 140lbs. I am 6 foot tall and 180lbs. My compatriot here is 5 foot 10 and 170lbs. Both of us are in far better shape than you! Sit your ass down before we have to hurt you!" And, verily, the rapscallion was disheartened and did return to his seat to await his fate.
Now, as we have discovered, this particular reprobate was not the sharpest knife in the drawer. After the arrival of the police, he continued to claim to be someone other than who he was. This was to be his third LART of the day! For our hero did inform the officer that the fraud had placed his ID in the envelope that was sitting on the table, and that he had addressed it to himself. The officer did demand that the heel open the envelope, to which he replied, "Nay! 'Tis mail! You can not force me to open mail! Only a postal officer may!" To which the officer, growing weary of the shenanigans, replied; "Sirrah! I am not to be trifled with! You have not mailed said envelope, merely addressed it! It is not in the possession of the Postal Service, so is not under their jurisdiction! No, open it before I get truly aggravated with you and make your life a living hell! There are a number of steps down from this office to the main floor. I am certain you do not wish to trip down all of them on your way out to my vehicle!" Strangely, after that proclimation, the scallywag put up no further protests and was compliant with all requests
And thus we learn another lesson. Should you be foolish enough to get yourself in trouble with the law, do not attempt bravado to get out of trouble. It does not work. In fact, it only serves to put you further into trouble. Much like running in quicksand.
[By: SwedishChef]
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Aint that the truth. They can lower your head with their hand over your dome when you enter the back of the paddywagon, OR slam your head into the car and toss you unconscience into the back. -burrkiss
Floorwalker? Oh, that is not the same as a streetwalker? Hmph! Well, then I withdraw my proposition! Okay, you are such an excellent teller of tales that I had to make some funny comment to save face. Geez, give a chef a keyboard and he grows into a legend! Oh yeah, and thanks for the laughs! -CyBear
I thank thee Chef for the tale to herald in the last day of the week....it will be a good weekend. -CSurfer
I am reading a story entitled 'Junky' that reminds me of that fellow. -Zayda
Other such silly cliches were in use.... </rofl> -Veinor
A wonderful tale indeed sir. -Rabbitt
Another fine tale from the Chef. A very well written tale indeed. -rockytech
Ahh yes, this does sound like Metro GTA's finest </remembers his days in Security and encounters involing 52 Division and smiles fondly> -compaq42
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63.
LARTS are Many and Varied! Beware!
Gather round, ladies and gents, gather round! The drinks are plentiful, the food is bountiful and the servants are bold and saucy. But, beware ye hands, lest ye wind up with a tankard of ale for a hat! SwedishChef is here to regale you once again with tales of LARTS. And today's tale is a rare Double Management LART!
Back in 2001, whilst working at Symantec, SwedishChef was witness to a massive layoff of tech support staff. All "consumer" (home user) technicians in Canada and the United States were laid off and replaced with outsourced technicians in the United States. This, of course, was a sad time, as SwedishChef was part of the "Enterprise" team, and thus still employed, yet he had to say goodbye to approximately 150 co-workers. However, such is business, and life moved one. But, the remaining 20 techs on the Enterprise team in Canada had no delusions. They knew that eventually the axe would fall on them.
They were correct. And they were furious at the timing. For, whilst the consumer techs were laid off in the summer, the axe fell on the enterprise techs December 1st, just in time for Christmas holidays. As one may expect, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth and lamenting at their poor fortune. But, the two "suits" from the Head Office were not to be dissuaded, and had "studies" and "papers" proving that the cost of maintaining the 20 techs in Canada was not "cost efficient".
Now, our hero, the wise SwedishChef, was not fooled by these claims! Neither were his co-workers. For SwedishChef was part of a team of NAV CE technicians. There were 4 in Canada and 20 in the United States. And they had our own proof that on just their little team, they accounted for 35% of all taken calls, with a 92% first call resolution! This motley team of 4 was outperforming their counter parts, a team of 20, by a factor of 2, at least. Now, let it be known that the SwedishChef is not slagging the entire team of 20. Nay! There were truly good techs on that team. Sadly, they were outnumbered by incompetent techs by a factor of 4 to 1. Of course, even with such overwhelming proof, the "suits" would not be swayed! Their decision was final, and just, by a "bottom line" perspective.
Now, SwedishChef JR had just turned 1 years of age at this point in time. And SwedishChef was irate that his child would suffer due to the selfishness of "investors". So, whenever the "suits" would pass by our hero's cubicle (which was quite often, as it was near the supervisors office), he would hold up a recently taken photograph of his son, sitting on Santa's lap, and loudly say, "Thank you for the wonderful Christmas gift you have provided my son! He is sure to remember it always!" This, of course, made the "suits" rather uncomfortable. So uncomfortable, in fact, that if they were walking towards the supervisors office, and saw that SwedishChef was at his desk, they would turn around and walk all the way around the building to get to the supervisors office from the other direction! And, verily, this did continue for their entire two week stay!
Now, before you ask, there is a second LART. This one was a much more subtle LART, and was provided by outside sources. For the United States office had replaced the 4 Canadian Techs with 4 American techs. And, verily, the ratio of good to bad continued! The US Office now had 6 competent techs and 18 incompetent techs! And calls were mounting in the queue! And customers were becoming less satisified with their service, as more calls were not being solved on the first call! But, this is not the LART. Nay, the LART came in the first week of January, when another of those virulent WORMS was spreading across the net. It appears that a close, personal friend of the CEO became victim to one, and called the support line. Sadly, the queue was so deep, that he did hang up in frustration after 1 hour and 30 minutes on hold, without even speaking to a representative. Being extremely cross at this poor service, he did call the CEO personally and vent at him! Verily, John Thompson, CEO of Symantec, was thoroughly lambasted on the telephone!
However, this is not the full LART! Verily, there is yet more! For, of course, the CEO was not a happy camper! Nay! His underlings were thoroughly chastised for the way things were working, or, in this case, NOT working! And, as is commonplace in the business world, SHIT flows downhill until it hits some middle manager. And this middle manager did decide to alleviate the queue by hiring more staff. 20 more staff, in fact.
So, good readers, we have learned another valuable lesson. This one is in finance and management. It is apparently good for the bottom line and profit margin of a company to fire 4 competent techs in another country and replace them with 24 other techs of varying skill levels. This will save the company money on salary and benefits. Final count: 4 techs laid off. 24 techs hired to replace them. One building in Canada still under lease and occupied by sales and training staff, so still costing the company money in taxes and rent. One new, masssive building built in the United States to house all consumer/enterprise technical support, and completed 6 months before the decision was made to outsource them all, with the exception of the remaining 100 Enterprise techs, who can now play football in the halls and not interrupt anyone. Is it any wonder why such companies continue to have financial problems year after year?
[By: SwedishChef]
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*wipes tear* very nice. Bastards I say. -Bunglehawk069
Right. All employees are interchangable. NOT! -CyBear
*applauds* nice one Chef *rewards Chef with a "Kiss the Chef" apron* Welcome to big business, bad business sense is the way to get ahead... -Cooki3
Yep so typical of corprate thinking. Is it any wonder the economy in the us is ina world of shit? Dell, Hp Gateway and Symantect seem to have lots of angry custoemrs as of late. To bad uppermangement is not run by technicians instead of buisness people. -Servo
My company is run by a tech (me) 1 marketing guy hired & fired within a month, 1 sr tech (me) and a web/db programmer currently employed. Now to just find an accountant that'll work cheaper than I do... -garwain
The company I'm starting has 2 "employees" - me and the other co-owner, who while not a tech by trade, can outtech some professional technicians. Heck, he ever perfers coding HTML in notepad to using any web dev. s/w. -kman52000
There's a very good reason that D*LL customers are so ticked off right now...more to come. -hkypipe
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64.
'Chef Goes on a Quest!
Gather round, gentlefolk, gather round! 'Tis a rare treat for you today. SwedishChef has a SECOND tale to relate to you!
One fine day, our good SwedishChef managed to save some money and purchase himself a new computer! At the time, it was a fine computer, being an Athlon 600mhz with 256mb RAM and 40GB hard drive and other such niceties. Having his new toy, he kindly gifted his old P2 266mhz to his sister, as she was devoid of a computer.
Now, as moving parts are wont to do, the CPU fan in the elder computer did decide that it would no longer function. Of course, this would cause the CPU some discomfort, forcing it to halt it's work shortly after it began, very much like some union members. This was a major inconvenience for 'Chef's sister, and she did proclaim so rather vociferously to our hero. Being the loving family man that he is, SwedishChef headed over to the nearest computer store. Sadly, this was a large chain store by the name of Computer City (an offshoot of Futureshop in Canada, which has since been shut down). Thus our tale takes a sinister twist.
Our hero entered the large store and looked around. Being rather large, and poorly labelled, SwedishChef decided to approach a salesdrone and ask for directions. Said drone pointed the 'Chef towards the Repairs desk, stating that he did not know where CPU fans were located, but they should. So, our hero trekked over to said desk and inquired about the object of his quest. The representative at the desk looked at the 'Chef rather askance, and then pointed him towards another desk on the other side of the store. Once again, our protaganist travelled across the store and inquired about his Holy Grail. Sadly, the representative over there could not understand why our hero was directed to him, as he dealt with Digital Camera accessories. He directed the 'Chef back to the repair desk.
Being rather put out at this point, our hero approached the repair desk once again, his face full of wrath and fury. The "technician" did shrink back from such a display! Our paladin, being frustrated, did bark at the "tech": "Good sir! I grow weary of this travelling back and forth across your store! I seek a simple object. A CPU fan. It is approximately 2 inches square. It sits atop the heat sink of a CPU. Where can I find such a beast? Verily, it appears to be as rare as the fabled unicorn!"
The tech, having attempted to grow a spine, did straighten up a little and squeaked, "Grant me but a moment, good sir, for I must retrieve one from the back!". He did scurry away into the nether regions of the store, returning moments later to proclaim, "Good sir! Sadly, we have none. They appear to be extinct!"
This news was not greeted gladly by our Knight of the Shiny Cleavers. He was not convinced that such a simple item was not carried in stock. "Sirrah! I grow weary of my quest. Surely there must be one here somewhere! Even a used one! Now, begone and find someone who can find me one!"
"Verily, good sir, I shall endeavour once more to find one. Please wait." And off he scuttled. And he returned shortly thereafter, and proclaimed; "Good sir! We do not have any small CPU fans! Nay! In fact, we only have these large ones!" and proudly held up a Power Supply.
Our hero was astounded! Astonished! Shocked! Startled! Dumbfounded! Running out of adjectives! He could not believe his eyes. With barely concealed contempt, he asked for a manager. As fate would have it, said manager exited the back room at that moment and inquired about the problems. After being told of the issue at hand, she did point to an aisle behind our hero and indicated the long sought fan. Not being one to pass up a chance for a LART, our Knight of the LART procurred one, approached the desk again, and said to the manager "Good lady. Many thanks for your assistance. You do not know the full story, but suffice to say it has been an arduous journey. However, if I may make one last request? Perchance, you could teach your repair techs the difference between a CPU fan and a Power Supply? I'm fairly sure that they will require that knowledge in the future." This, of course, was said in front of the tech, who was still holding said Power Supply.
And so, gentle readers, we learn yet another lesson. When SwedishChef goes looking for a simple part, he does not wish to deal with "simple" techs. He simply wants his part!
[By: SwedishChef]
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sounds like many a tail from the halls of best buy. the only thing i like about thier employees is they are mostly all male and find me things because i have boobs. -rhiannon
BWAHAHAHAH... *glances longingly at Swedish Chefinator* BWAHAHAHHA. Good one, and very well written, if I do say so myself. And I do. -Jerbear
Dude, your evil! But in a good way. I dare say you deserve a VC for that one! -RandalGraves
What a way to end my day... Thanks SC. :) -EagleEye
Of course, another well done LART for us to enjoy. -Zayda
All bow to the all mighty larter SwedishChef. -mccallister
A two-course meal, which satisfies like no other. -StarfishArthur
I was eating when I read that line about union workers. (Not recommended!) BEST...STORY...EVER! -Mango
Great story dude!! -ewspy87
BUHAHAHAH. Chef dices another dumbdumb in 2. -burrkiss
It appears Sir Chef has just shown said tech that he does indeed have a +5 Vorpal LART of Sounding -kryliss
Also I must admit that when once traveling to a local computer store to get a fan for a powersupply, the gentleman was dumbfounded as to why I just didn't buy a new powersupply... I showed him that said powersupply cost 69.99 and said fan cost 8.99 and being as my powersupply only needed a new fan, then that's all I was going to replace.. He still just looked at me in utter confusion. -kryliss
LOL, nice story. And now we know what SwedishChef looks like: "Being rather large, and poorly labelled, SwedishChef decided to approach a salesdrone..." -rurwin
That, my dear rurwin, shall earn you a personal introduction to my Cleavers. :p -SwedishChef
(wipes tears from eyes) Beautifully done SC. -Rabbitt
The simleton tech rolls a "0", takes double max LART damage... SWEET!!! -HappyCrappy
ooops... "simpleton" <larts self with dictionary> -HappyCrappy
that was great, pointing out people's stupidity gives me even one more reason to get out of bed :) -Bunglehawk069
Great LART, Chef! LOL! -sassicatz
Ow ow ow, shouldn't laugh so hard *lol* ow. God I've been so good, not cracking more then a little grin adn then I go and read this. Great one! *wanders off to find more vicodin* -Taterlain
but but but...one is a fan and the other has fan, what's the difference?? <runs to the LartShelter but drips over a PSU> -AmdInside
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65.
Fun with Lawyers!
Gather round fair ladies and honour gentleman! The ale and mead are plentiful, the wine superb and the food delicious! SwedishChef is here to entertain you with yet another tale from his days at Symantec.
At this time, Winfax 9 had been in stores for about 1 year. Winfax 8 had been "sunsetted" and support, free or paid, was not available on the phones anymore. The only two options available for customers was to upgrade or go to the web for support. We were allowed, at our discretion, to take payment for an 8.0 issue, if the customer really wished to pay. After all, money is still money!
Our hero, SwedishChef, was busy playing Command & Conquer: Red Alert on his "testing" machine when the cursed beep of an incoming phone call caused him distraction and allowed the computer forces to destroy his tank manufacturing warehouse. He was not, to say the least, impressed at all. But, being the consummate professional that he was, he did not betray an iota of irritation to the customer as he belched forth his opening spiel.
Customer: "Greetings. I called the 541 line for free support, but it was out of service. I couldn't find an option on your menu on this 800 number for my product. I need help and I'm not paying for it!
Well! Aren't we Mr. Important? SwedishChef already had a good idea as to why said customer couldn't find his product in our menu tree, but was willing to chalk it up to general starfishiness. Sadly, this was a mistake. "Well, good sir, perhaps you could let me know as to which product you are calling about and I will see what I can do to remedy this bothersome situation for both of us!"
"I'm calling about Winfax 8.0! My manual says I get free 90 day support from my first call! I have not called before, but when I finally need to, the number is out of service and the only one left is this pay line! I'm not paying! I want my 90 days free support!"
(I will hunt down and severely LART the first person to spout off with the "I wanna new....." line! - ed)
Our hero, having had his fears confirmed, attempted to handle this diplomatically, as the customer was working on out of date information. "Good sir! You are partially correct. Under normal circumstances, you would be granted free support, as this is your first call concerning it, according to our records. However, the company released a new version 12 months ago, and 6 months ago stopped support for the 8.0 product. At this point, you may upgrade at a reduced rate, pay for support on this line, or view our website for information. How would you like to proceed?" This, of course, was unacceptable to our caller!
"Nay, SwedishChef, I shall not do any of the above! I am entitled to my free support as is listed in your manual, and you shall provide it!" declared the customer. In response, SwedishChef, becoming rather annoyed at this point, did say, "Negative, sirrah! I have provided you the only three options available to you!"
It is at this point that our caller uttered the phrase that many of us have heard in some form in the past. "Sir! I am a LAWYER! By law, you must provide me the support as detailed in your manual!"
As we all know, no one pulls a trump card on SwedishChef, for he always has an ace up his sleeve! "Sirrah! Said manual, does it state "8.0" or "8.03" on the cover?" SwedishChef reaches up above his head to his shelf of manuals and selects the same one as that of the LAWYER. "Thank you sir. Now, wouldst thou be so kind as to turn to page X of Appendix A? It is the same section that lists our support options, but a little further on. Thank you. Now, I shall read you the relevant passage from this page. It is the paragraph that states "Symantec reserves the right to change or withdraw it's support policy at any time with due notice to the public." Said notice has been posted on our website for the past 12 months, since the release of 9.0, stating that 8.0 free support would be withdrawn on date and paid support would follow 3 months later. Said notice was also part of our opening greetings on both the free support and paid support phone numbers as listed in that manual until such time as the lines were disconnected. Now, being as you are a LAWYER, you should know that this document is valid and true, you don't have a legal leg to stand on and that the only options remaining to you are the ones I outlined above!"
As per usual, the only response was inarticulate sputtering, followed by our Knight of the LART gently caressing the RELEASE button on his phone.
And so, gentle readers, another set of lessons is learned. 1) Do not quote the law in part to suit your needs, as others will quote the rest of the law back at you as a LART. 2) Do not annoy SwedishChef whilst he's playing C&C: Red Alert. The results could be fatal.
[By: SwedishChef]
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I bet his hair looked like he got his with a tesla coil. NICE SHOT!!!! -burrkiss
very well done.... -leonine
Absolutely beautiful! -dijinn
<Calls in air strike of a dozen MiGs on the enemy's legal offices> -RiffRaff
I'd like to study the Swedish Chef's technique, but them flashing knives make me nervous. I swear that was Uncle Milt turned into a bearskin rug, lyin' there in front of the Chef's fireplace. -CyBear
Nay, good CyBear! SwedishChef is an animal lover, and does not decorate his home with them! Now, he may decorate *around* them on his plate, with garnishes, but that's a different story! ;-) -SwedishChef
*claps* Great Lart, and great story -CommanderData
Very well done. Kinda like this starfish's brain, after you were done with him! -teivrann
Thus endeth the LART. -LaserGuru
You're a lawyer? Well then you should file a lawsuit. The judge could use a good laugh. -scooby111
<hands chef a decanter of mead from the royal private stock> Nicely done my friend. I love turning an opponents own weapons against them! -wolfprince
Lawyers Fax and money... the shit has hit the fan.. </sings> Outstanding LART -rockytech
I WANNA NEW TECH WINFAX!!!!!!!! </encases himself in LART shielding, and in anti-matter LART shielding just to be sure. Oh yes, I close off space with the Blade of Pain> -Veinor
I dare say you deserve a VC for that. -RandalGraves
Keep 'em coming, good Chef, for our appetite is never sated. -StarfishArthur
*applauds* I've bookmarked your list of stories. Have you ever considered a mailing list? -Mango
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66.
Watch out for the Mundays!
Gather round, gather round! The ale is stout, the mead light and the food scrumptious!
SwedishChef is here to relate yet another tale of silliness for your reading pleasure!
The tale begins as most do, on a Monday morning. SwedishChef finds himself at the start
of a nasty Monday. A Monday from Hell. A Monday like none he has ever experienced! To
keep things brief, this list is provided for your perusal:
Onsite set up of VPN Router fails because router does not wish to play nice.
Onsite check of backup software determines failure is result of software not talking to Win2k. User has no upgrade available.
Supervisor informs SwedishChef of his new certification requirements.
Included in that is a 2 week deadline to achieve 4 certs between SwedishChef and a co-worker.
Continued arguments with IBM because they don't show one of SwedishChef's achieved certs.
Still unable to order part for customer because of said IBM problem. Six weeks of waiting and counting.
SwedishChef learns he's also part of a team consolidating 40 servers into a room designed to hold 10. In 4 weeks.
Does not leave work until 7pm, after having started at 8am. Does not arrive home until 8pm.
Now, before you start telling SwedishChef to cheer up, let him finish this tale! Our hero
has learned over time not to let these things stress him out. He used to suffer from extreme
headaches at the tender age of 15 because of stress. However, he has learned to deal with
stress in a constructive way, and is quite successful. He's even able to sleep well at night.
Fast forward to Tuesday morning. SwedishChef is on his way to a customer site. It is a
bright, yet chilly, morning. He is travelling on the highway and is passing a vehicle. Our
hero, being naturally curious, glances at the driver as he passes.
Joy! Bliss! Happiness! It is a young lady! A lady of unearthly beauty! A woman that would
make Venus weep in envy! Well, okay. She was cute. A nice sight for a Tuesday morning.
So, our hero smiles and nods his head in greeting as she looks over. She responds in kind!
His heart flutters! His pulse quickens! His mind starts daydreaming of ways that they would
fornicate in the server room! And, as he continues on past, he looks in his rear view mirror
to get one last glimpse of her face to properly affix that lovely visage in his memory. And
he screams! He screams like a little girl that has just discovered a huge, icky spider
crawling on her arm!
What, good reader, could cause such a horrible reaction from our hero? Simple:
She was 2 knuckles deep, digging for green gold!
Thus, my friends, we see that even SwedishChef is not immune from the Mundays. Even on a
Tuesday.
Curls up with his Southern Comfort and his latest sci-fi book, hoping to rid his mind of
the horrifying images.
[By: SwedishChef]
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One of my acquaintances used to fake that to screw with people she thought were staring . . . they usually weren't (she was *not* the most blindingly attractive woman on the planet . . . ) -valkyrja
When all's said & done, I find it's best not to sweat petty things...or pet sweaty things. -CaffeineHead
If the act of picking her nose put you off, don't even think about asking about any other womans' bodily functions....they are enough to give any decent man the screaming ab-dabs. -lineswine
I'd love to fornicate in a server room... -CommanderData
CD, you mean you haven't? Man, now I feel dirty.... -NightRain
my server is in my bedroom, sooooo.... -srteach
Heheheheheheheheheheheheheheh....... {collapses in giggles} Hey, men do it too. She was probably trying to counteract the effects her stunning beauty was having on you. ;) hehehe. Speaking of women and body functions, I used to have a male acquaintance who firmly believed that women never farted, belched, or made any impolite noises or smells. hehehehe..... >:D That misconception didn'a last too long around me and my gal pals. -mousie
Yeah, I know lots of people do it. It was just a horrifying sight to see, early in the morning of what I was hoping to be a good day. Turned out the rest of the day went down hill from there. Don't people realize that a car is half glass? People can SEE YOU picking your nose! Sheesh. :p -SwedishChef
Reminds me of a comment heard ... well I can't remember where. "Remember, don't pick your nose in public. Do it in the privacy of your own car." -soccerdude
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67.
Zen and the Art of LART
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! The ale is bold, the mead thick, the wine has
a delicate bouquet and delightful palette (which are good things for wine, I am told) and
the food is plentiful. 'Tis I, SwedishChef, here to spin yet another yarn for your delight and
amusement!
One fine day, while in the employ of Symantec, SwedishChef was staring out the window behind
his cubicle, watching the little people scurrying about on the sidewalks below, when the
thrice-damned beep of an incoming call jolted him from his reverie. With great aplomb,
he began his opening spiel. The caller did provide proper identification, and then said those
wonderful words: "I am computer stupid. I will let you talk to my tech to fix this!".
Appreciating his candor, SwedishChef did greet the tech and ascertained the problem.
The problem was described as thus: the Winfax program (Version 8.0 at the time), failed
to display a received fax. It would print fine, but not display on the screen. A common
problem, easily resolved. But, of course, I would not be regaling you with this if this
problem was easily solved, would I?
Thus, our dashing hero did say unto the tech, "Good Sirrah! May we quickly ascertain the
nature of the video driver? I believe...". And, it is here, that the tech did interrupt the
affable SwedishChef with this pronouncement: "Nay, phoneboy! (with appropriately
dripping sarcasm) The problem is NOT with the video driver! Dost thou forget that I am a
Computer Technician?!?". And, verily, SwedishChef could HEAR the capital letters on
his title! Now, as we all know, annoying the 'Chef is not conducive to good mental health,
as our erstwhile Computer Technician was about to learn!
And thus, with a sweetness that would sicken a honeybee, our Knight of the Lart did
respond, "Verily, good sir! I did not mean to insult you! By all means, let us proceed to
fix the problem!" and remained silent. After a moment, the CT did utter "Well, what
shall we do to resolve this issue?" To which our SwedishChef did reply, "Well, sir, as I am
but a phoneboy, and you are a Computer Technician, I await your pleasure in
providing me with the solution so that I may pass your infinite knowledge and wisdom on to
other callers in the future!"
Silence was the only response. Finally, after a moment, the CT did speak. "Well, I
don't know. That's why I called you!" Having waited for this phrase to be uttered, our hero
pounced on the now hapless CT like a cheetah on a wounded antelope. "Well, then, sir,
shall we establish some ground rules? 1) You called me. 2) I deal with this program every
day and have at my access not only a robust database of solutions but fellow technicians who
also deal with this program every day. 3) In order to qualify for this job, one must also
be a Copmuter Technician. Can we agree on these ground rules?" To which our now meek
CT did reply, "Verily, you are correct."
However, SwedishChef's ire was up, and he was not so easily placated. Going for the
virtual jugular, he continued his abasement of the miserable CT. "Very well. We are
going to have a wager. I will lay out the path for you to follow, and should you arrive at
the predetermined destination, you will know that I have provided you the correct information.
One, the OS is Windows 98 or 98SE, correct? [yes] And the video driver is an S3, most likely
the Virge, correct? [yes] And the version number of the driver is most likely 5.14, the MS
default, correct? [yes] And the client does have a high speed connection to the internet,
correct? [yes] And you can reach www.s3.com, correct? [yes] And you are able to locate the
current driver, version 6.28, correct? [yes] Now, download and install that driver, reboot
the machine, and your issue will be resolved! I will await the results."
And so, in due time, the download was completed, the update applied and the system
rebooted. And lo, our hero did speak the truth, for received faxes were now properly displayed
on the screen! And our now repentant CT did respond "You were correct, O Magnificent One!"
To which our hero did respond, "Remember! When calling technical support, it is because YOU
do not know the solution to your problem! Do not insult or belittle the support, as it will
make your task more difficult, nay impossible, as they will not provide you with said
solution if you annoy them too much!"
Thusly, having applied his LART with much enthusiasm and success, SwedishChef did release
the call, entered his notes and returned to his contemplation of the masses outside his
window.
Yet another moral is provided by SwedishChef to new technicians: When calling for
technical support, be patient with the telephone representative. They may be forced to read
a stupid script, or ask seemingly inane questions, but they will be able to provide you the
answers you seek! Or a LART that you are not seeking, should you cross them!
[By: SwedishChef]
Comment on Story
Comments
Verily, thy story did make mine day brighten and mine heart fill with joy and rapture! -EagleEye
Truly, thy rapier wit and judicous application of the LART are the stuff of legends -Darkwolf
Hehe. Good Ale, too! -Dj
Verily, I say, that is fantastic shite!! -mousie
Ah, an uplifting tale of conspicuous gallantry if I ever saw one! -Galandar
THAT wasn't the art of LART... that was the friggin' orgasm of the lART -srteach
LOL @ srteach! Purrfect LART! -sassicatz
Purrfection as usual. And oh mighty HELL YES at the moral of the story. -Dragones
Hear Ye, Hear Ye! Our Magnificent SwedishChef doth deliver fine and tasteful LARTs! -Torinir
..and having slain the dragon (herefore reffering to the conceited luser) St George (herefore referring to SwedishChef) went back about his lofty goals (herefore referring to the perusal of the masses). -ewspy87
And the moral being that if you humble yourself enough to contact support you may as well humble yourself for a few minutes longer while on the phone with support... -garwain
Methinks SwedishChef is looking for the KingLART title -CommanderData
Nay, good CD. The title of KingLART is not something one seeks! 'Tis a title bestowed upon only those worthy by those who deem them worthy. I do not feel that I am worthy. But, I thank thee for thine kind words! -SwedishChef
I'm all for the story, and it is incredible as always. However ewspy87's comment makes me nervous around here. -DragonMageWTF
Hehehe... I only wish I had the self-assurance to do that.. :) -Warrick
That was quite the LART. One could almost hear the meaty THWACK as the club was applied. I must take issue, however, with the all-encompassing moral at the end of thy tale. Having called many phoneboy's, I can say that not all of them have the answers that you seek. Many times you must take issue with their diagnosis. Politely, of course. And after listening to their words and at least trying their suggestions. Within reason. -scooby111
I agree with Scoob. I've dealt with some whom I've had to school. Then again, I've dealt with those who have schooled me. I'm still young. My pride is mearly singed and not scar'ed because I know there be techs. And we be a noble breed. -MaskedMarauder
<sighs in admiration> You can almost hear the knife sliding in, being twisted eleventeen times and then carefully removed. Yea, verily a LART among LARTS!! -Gromit
MM, Scoob. I do agree. There are times when one must school the phone tech. However, I literally had just gotten the description of the problem from him and was about to verify the video driver so I could give him the solution. Nothing else had been done. The moral should be "Wait until the tech on the phone proves his intelligence, or lack thereof, before insulting him." But, that seemed a bit long. :-) -SwedishChef
My Hero! And such a good cookie! -CyBear
Yea, verily, a most marvellous tale. All homour is yours, good knight! But I fear I have a... quibble, perhaps? Mead is not thick; properly made, mead is a light (both in color and in taste) white wine, which I tend to make with a hidden mule-like kick (14% alcohol). -chazz
Outstanding LART my friend. I verily wait for the next adventure of the good and kind King of LARTs -rockytech
Once again, I must stress that you are and will always be welcome at my Hearthside and supper table. If you ever seek the position of Royal Bard, You know where K-9 Keep lay. -wolfprince
More Ale Landlord! Tis a grand night for tales of skilled LARTing -PID1
As always a wonderful tale. -Zayda
Wow! I must admit, Chef, I'm envious. I've occasionally had to use the argument of "what would you suggest then" to reign in the occasional caller, but anything beyond that would have earned me a free one way trip to the exit. I'm not denying that the "tech" you did this with didn't earn it entirely, btw, just wishing that Symantec was hiring locally. -HidariMak
All hail SwedishChef! -StarfishArthur
Ah! That read was a perfect start to my day; yea, I can now mount my trusty steed and go forth to do battle with the starfish...thanks Chef! -hkypipe
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68.
Stupidity Committed by the Young
Gather round, gentle readers, gather round! Both the ale and mead are plentiful, and the
roast lamb and boar are barbequed to perfection. SwedishChef has yet another tale to entertain
and delight you with!
Our tale begins at our hero's previous place of employ, a small computer repair shop.
Prior to the hiring of "Jen" (from the story "The Evils of Wallpaper"), the various techs
would be called forth from their secluded repair area in order to check in the customer
machines.
This rather dreary spring day, a gentleman in his 40s did enter the establishment
with a laptop in tow. Our gallant knight was called forth, and did greet the gentleman heartily,
as he was wont to do. And the gentleman did respond in a curt and short manner, claiming
that he was perturbed with said laptop. Enquiring as to why, our Ranger of Repairs did
learn that the laptop in question was a relatively new IBM laptop that was prone to failing
motherboards, and this particular unit had already had two boards replaced due to this
very reason! Feeling sympathy for the client, our hero did inform the gentleman that he would
do his best to get a replacement in quickly and to inform IBM of the owner's dissatisfaction.
It was further stressed to our protaganist that the laptop was for his son for his schoolwork.
(This was common, as the company did repairs for several local private schools that made it
mandatory that students have laptops, usually purchased in bulk from either IBM or Compaq.)
Now, our hero was a thorough tech, and did inspect the laptop before ordering the part.
This was to ensure that the issue lay solely in the motherboard, and not other component
causing a short, as had been known to happen with other systems. Upon opening the system, our
hero did immediately determine the problem. Being a technician that followed procedures,
he did check the warranty status on the IBM website, followed by a call to IBM directly.
(IBM has 2 databases, which are not synched. One may show warranty when the other doesn't.
Usually the website is correct, but, in special cases, we did call them directly to ensure
that we had the right information. -ed)
Speaking with the IBM rep, our suave knight did ask, "Good sir, doth this laptop have
Stupidity Protection Plan attached to it?" Pausing for a moment, the IBM rep did reply,
"Does it have what?". "Sirrah, I mean the IBM Thinkpad Protection Plan." spoke our
hero. (IBM and others will allow a consumer to purchase additional warranty at time of
purchase that protects the laptop from accidental falls, spills and other issues not
covered under standard warranty. Basically, if you do something stupid, they'll still repair
it free of charge. -ed) The rep did check both databases, and responded in the negative,
satisfying our hero's curiosity.
And so, our hero did contact the customer, and informed him that his repair
would not be covered under warranty. As one may expect, much expletives and familial curses
were uttered by the customer in anger. After venting, the customer did calm down and asked
the pertinent question: "Why isn't this covered under warranty? The last two times the board
failed it was replaced for free!"
And our Knight of the Lart did utter the following damning statement: "Good sirrah, while
I do not know the nature of the previous repairs, except as you have described, I can, in
good faith, tell you that your system does not have Thinkpad Protection Plan, a warranty type
that would, had you purchased it, protect you from this repair. Sadly, as the cause of the
system failure is through a caramel and sugar based liquid beverage, most likely Coca-Cola or
Pepsi Cola, being spilled on the keyboard and seeping into the system to coat a good portion
of the motherboard, you must pay for the replacement of several parts, as well as labour.
The total does come to the grand sum of $1,350.68."
After a moment, our hero was privy to the following response: "I told him time and again
not to keep his pop near his laptop! Looks like his allowance is going to be withheld for the
next 5 years to pay for this! Little bugger thought he could hide it, did he? I'll hide
him!"
And so, gentle readers, a lesson is taught to the younger generation. No matter how
well you clean the mess off the keyboard and casing of your laptop, the technician is still
going to know when you have spilled a liquid on it. And always ensure you purchase the
extra warranty with a laptop. You'll never know when you may need it.
[By: SwedishChef]
Comment on Story
Comments
Man, that kid is gonna be in some kind of trouble! Another classic from the Chef... -hkypipe
I'd call for an encore but this must be the encore to your previous fantastic tales of yore so I ask, nay, demand a standing ovation from all TSCers so that the Great, One and Only SwedishChef regale us of further tales! Bravo! Bravo! -Rabbitt
Wonderful tale Chef! If only all laptops came with the "Stupidity Protection Plan" -BritishBunny
if only techs came with the stupidity protection plan (and before the LART, let me expound). Protection from starfish - Warranty dept? please remove the SF from the gene pool, he is causing my brain much pain -madonnac
Ah yes, the "It's not working and we don't know why" problem. I fondly remember several customers with this exact problem when I did support for a monitor company. I did recieve an electronic missive from the repair center stating monitor died due to a spill of a brown and sticky substance. The customer was angered when informed the $800 monitor that he had possessed a mere 6 months was dead and not covered by warranty. I then offered to send an electronic missive with color photographs attached showing the sticky brown substance coating the circuit boards. He declined and gave permission the proper disposal of the unit. -Starfury
<Leans back from monitor, lost in admiration> Beautiful and skilfully applied LART, Chef - and related with an eloquence and elegance of phrase conspicuous by its very rarity these days..<sigh> -Gromit
Very well done. -rockytech
hahahaha beautiful story. -discordkitty
Love the writing style and the LART. Nice work! -BTcall
Chef - another hearty helping. -StarfishArthur
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69.
SwedishChef's Quest for Intelligence
Gather round, gentle folk! The ale is plentiful, the roast boar is succulent and the
entertainment top notch! SwedishChef is here to tickle your ears with another tale from
his past!
Before we begin, you should have some background information to make the story more
enjoyable. This tale occurs early in SwedishChef's career with Symantec. At the time, he
was on a most bountiful shift. He worked from 11am until 8pm, and he was on the pay-only
phone queue. Since the company still had a long-distance "free support" line, and their
phone equipment was not yet set up for blended queues, very few people called on the pay
lines. Thus, the SwedishChef had very few calls and much time on his hands. This, as we
saw in his previous story about the Evils of Wallpaper, can be a dangerous thing to friend
and starfish alike! The other nice thing about this shift was that the supervisors had all
left by 6pm, and since they did QA monitoring, it was a simply job to walk by their office
windows and see if any had left a tape recorder running. This particular evening, none
were, so no one was being monitored.
Now, on to our tale!
This particular night was slower than most. Our gallant hero was, to put it mildly,
completely, utterly, mind-numblingly bored! Having surfed all his favourite websites,
read all the online newspapers and survived a Nerf Gun fight, he was looking for ways to
while away the remain one and a half hours of his shift. This, of course, is when the
soul-searing beep of an incoming call pierced his eardrum. He roused himself from his
stupor and responded as any true professional would: "What the hell?!? I mean, thank you
for calling...etc".
Rasping across the copper lines was a voice that could only belong to Satan himself. Or
a starfish. Unfortunately for our hero, it wasn't the Prince of Darkness. He, at least,
would have provided intelligent conversation. Nay, it was a VAR (Value Added Reseller)
calling for support. [Value? The only Value these resellers ever added was to their bottom
line! What a hokey title to give oneself! -ed.] Now, at this time, VARs who had properly
registered with Symantec would receive free technical support. All other issues,
such as "How To?" questions, were on a fee basis. This was true for end-users as well.
The gravelly voiced caller did properly identify himself and provide proof of his VAR
status to our noble hero, so he was not directed to call the long distance line. However,
when the caller did put forth his question, it turns out that he was calling to request
instruction on how to do a mail-merge fax with our fax program and his Outlook contact list.
This, of course, is a fee based issue, and the caller was duly informed of this.
"Nay good sir!", was his response. "I am a VAR, and as such, am entitled to FREE support!"
To which our Paragon of Company Policy did reply, "Forsooth, kind caller, this is true
should your issue be that of a program error or possible faulty hardware. As this issue
is about neither, but rather about how to do something that is covered in our wonderful
tome entitled "Manual", you must pay for me to instruct you."
Of course, this produced much neeping from the caller, which shall not be related here
lest ye be bored to tears, but to suffice to say that the above two sentences were repeated
by both parties numerous times, with various changes in wording, but the meaning still the
same.
Finally, the evil VAR decided to play his trump card! Thus he spake, "Sirrah! You SHALL
provide me with the support I requested, for free, or I shall no longer recommend your
products to our clientelle! Verily, I speak the truth!".
Now, as we all know, our gallant hero, SwedishChef, is not one to be threatened! Verily,
he does love to engage in a battle of wits with those who irritate him. Sadly, many of his
opponents tend to show up to the battle unarmed. Such was the case this time as well, as our
valiant warrior was about to demonstrate to the unfortunate caller.
"Good sir, your threat is empty and meaningless, and I shall explain why. Firstly, if
your clients wish to purchase our numerous products, and you tell them you no longer carry
them, most will simply purchase them from another VAR. This, of course, affects your bottom
line and not ours. Secondly, how many clients do you have who make regular purchases? 50?
100? Do you really think you could convince them ALL to no longer purchase ANY of our
products? Especially if they already have a large install base of said products, like our
anti-virus? Thirdly, even if you could manage to convince them all, how many of them actually
purchase enough product through you that would even register on our yearly sales total? One?
Maybe two? We, sir, sell almost one BILLION dollars in software a year. Losing your $25,000
won't even register on the accounts spreadsheets. Now, kindly provide a credit card number,
or go away before I taunt you a second time!"
Now, good reader, SwedishChef knows what you are thinking! You are thinking: Did the
good SwedishChef REALLY use a line from Monty Python and the Holy Grail whilst LARTing a
customer? You bet he did! For remember, he had already been by the various supervisors
offices and verified that they were not monitoring anyone that night, and he felt confident
that his word against a VARs would be like gold compared to zinc.
Would you, gentle reader, be surprised at all that the only respone that the VAR could
muster was simply inarticulate sputtering? After listening to this for approximately one
minute, our Knight of the LART did gently, lovingly press the RELEASE button on his phone
and returned to his quest for challenging mental entertainment.
[By: SwedishChef]
Comment on Story
Comments
Beautiful... just beautiful... *sniff* -Mahal
Brillant!! Another awsome LART and well written story. -rockytech
Brings a tear to my eye. Wow. -MrsTechnoVamp
As good as my weed-eater/poo lart! and possibly better written. <bfeg> -wolfprince
Nay, good prince. My LART was good, but yours was truly Oscar worthy! Flinging feces into the face of a starfish is far more satisfying than simply proving one is more intelligent than they are. We do that on a regular basis! But throwing shit in their face, with approval from the MAYOR, that is truly rare. But, many thanks for your kind comments. -SwedishChef
A wondrous tale again, my thanks Chef. I would just like to find out where has all the ale and roast boar gone, I am starving ! -CSurfer
lol, point conceded SirChef. but thank you for a good laugh before I turn in to the royal chambers for the night! My eve is not complete without one of your wonderful tales. Good night all. -wolfprince
Verily I say, if you'd said "lotus notes" instead of OE, i would swear upon my soul that that was my boss calling. (It may still have been.) -ChildofCthulhu
Oh, brave Sir SwedishChef... *sigh* Truly, thou hast smote thine enemy into tiny gobbets. I commend you, good sir. *curtsey* -snowcrash
Simply smashing! -Zayda
you... are... brilliant. i shall put through the paper work to make you a god</dlibert> -Harm
Absolutely wonderful. Not only did he show up to battle unarmed, he wouldn't know what to do with such armaments even if he recognized them. -teivrann
Ale? What happened to the mead that you were serving the other night? For I, in sooth, do prefer the liquor of honey to that of barley. (Great lart, btw!) -Captain Trips
Great! Absolutely beautiful!!! -hkypipe
*CD bows to SwedishChef and offers him another pint of mead in best 'Wench' mode* -CommanderData
In the words of a mostly french contractor I once had work for me, "very good, nice" -garwain
methinks our good scandinavian kitchen-dweller hast recently taken to channelling the spirit of the mighty Coyote, may the memory of his posts be ever blessed... -Shaede
I'm speechless. Every adjective I could come up with is already used. I agree with them all. Wonderfully written and nice lart. -Rabbitt
We are not worthy!!! MP&THG was a nice touch! -Veinor
Wonderful LART, eloquently and articulately scribed. I have the honour to be, sir, your obedient servant, -Gromit
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70.
Beware the evils of Wallpaper!
Gather round, good listeners, gather round! The mead is thick, the turnip stew is filling, and the serving wenches are
friendly! 'Tis I, SwedishChef, here to regale you with a tale from my previous place of employ!
Our noble hero, the SwedishChef, did toil at a small computer repair shop in the previous annum. He was part of a team
of four techs, all of which had various certifications, but were not "cert-whores". Nay, they had earned their certs at the
request of management, but did verily know their jobs. Also toiling at this place of repair was a young lady we shall call
"Jen".
Now Jen was a strapping young lass of, shall we say, delicate constitution. This is not to say that she was prim and
proper. Nay, she could be saucy at times. Rather, she was inexperienced in the ways of starfish and their computers. Alas,
poor Jen did learn much in her stay there, but this tale occurs early in her employ, when she was still but a virgin in
certain matters. And her job was to check in the computers that were brought in for repair. Jen would gather the
requisite address information and a description of the problem, which she learned was never to be entered as "It don't work!"
or similar starfish nonsense.
One sunny summer day, an older gentleman did appear on our doorstop with a computer that was ill. Verily, his description
of the ailments was rather dire. Random failures to boot. Annoying program crashes. Inability to connect to his internet.
And more. Of course, Jen, being the dedicated professional that she was, did summarily enter his information into the
intake computer and gave the gentleman his copy of the sheet and an estimated time of repair, as was proper. She then
toted his computer to the repair area and placed it on the intake shelf. Jen, not being jaded yet, then did proclaim long
and loudly on the courtly manners of the owner of the ill computer, and requested that we, the techs, give it special
treatment.
Having read the list of issues, our Paragon of Virture, SwedishChef, diagnosed the problem as a possible virus. Being
the resident virus expert, he did take the comptuer to his repair station and proceeded to hook it up to the monitor,
keyboard and mouse and then boot the system.
The agony! The horror! The screams of anguish echoed throughout the building! Our hero was stumbling around the repair
area in a stupor, mumbling "No! No! Deity NO!". The other technicians did rush over quickly to his aid, only to fall to the
floor, wailing and gnashing their teeth! After a moment, our stricken hero did manage to stumble over to the monitor and
turn it off, giving relief to himself and other technicians.
Being rather shaken, they all sat down and gathered their wits about them. Our hero, having great intestinal fortitude,
screwed up his courage, slitted his eyes, and placed a box in front of the centre of the display. He then turned on the
monitor and quickly disabled the wallpaper. Having rendered the system safe for human viewing, he proceeded to do battle
with the nasty and vicious virus that had taken up residence. After twenty minutes, the skirmish was over, and our valiant
warrior, was, as usual, victorious. Then he hatched a grand plan.
Leaving the system running, as it was a slow time and repair space was not at a premium, he set the monitor power save
feature to activate after one minute. He then warned his fellow techs of his plan and had them avert their eyes. Having seen
to their safety, he then placed a box over the centre of the screen again, and re-activated the wallpaper. He averted his
eyes and waited 2 minutes, then verified that the screen was off. He disconnected the mouse, and left the system, filling
out the ticket and handing in the completed paperwork to Jen for her to call the customer and inform him that his system
was once again behaving and he could retrieve it. Our hero then waited.
In due time, the customer did return, and Jen greeted him warmly. They bantered for a few minutes before she came to the
repair area to inquire as to the location of his computer. And the SwedishChef, having waited for this time, did verify the
identity of the customer. He directed Jen to the computer on the desk and stated, with a grin of truly sinister design, "Is
this the customer waiting out front?" as he struck a key on the keyboard and waking the monitor back up.
And there, on the monitor, was a picture of a gentleman. A gentleman of approximately 55 years of age. A gentleman smiling
at the camera. A gentleman in his living room. A gentleman sprawled upon his couch like a pharoah of old.
A gentleman wearing a red THONG!
And Jen, being of delicate constitution, did turn a red so bright that our hero did fear that her hair would burst into
flame! She squealed! She shook with laughter! She nearly fainted! And the other technicians, awaiting this moment with
baited breath (for they were lacking in hygene, unfortunately) were laughing uproariously at her reaction. And continued to
laugh as she was forced to bring this computer out to its owner and look him in the face while trying to exchange
pleasantries as he paid for his repair and went on his way, oblivious to the hilarity that he was the root cause of.
And so, gentle readers, you now learn that our hero, the valiant SwedishChef, does have a dark side to his humour, and
that no one is ever safe from his rapier wit.
[By: SwedishChef]
Comment on Story
Comments
Funnier than hell... loved the story -srteach
Awww...you should have -shown- this "gentleman" that his computer worked! -Grue
Another brilliantly executed joke, and as well written as if The Coyote had done it. Sir Chef, you are truely a notworthy bard. My royal court is always open to your pressance. -wolfprince
That's awesome in a very sick way ;p -discordkitty
Funny, wrong, but very funny :P -rockytech
Funny, wrong, sick, and now I've think I need a new keyboard and can of caffine -Disallowed
I'll send you a bill for the drybleaning. ;) Sweet story. -namor
ARGH! I meant Cleaning, with a K! I swear, I never bleaned *anyone*... -namor
I thought he had the goatse guy for his wallpaper from your reaction ... -Calydor
Calydor - I had that same thought exactly! -Mango
I'm ashamed to admit, I was thinking the same thing as Calydor and Mango. Great minds think alike I guess. -wolfprince
Wonderful drawn out story. I was on the edge of my chair awaiting the "punch" line. Nice job. -Rabbitt
I was thinking either Goatse or Tubgirl (thank you nightrain for pointing me to THAT site - gross), nice story! -CommanderData
maybe some svinto will clean that keyboard -SGTARKyTEK
BWAAHAAHAAHAAAA!!!! Great story! You have taken your place amongst the great storytellers of this site... -hkypipe
I know some people who would like to see the picture.... They'll have to ask you themselves! -concept14
My attention span is usually too long to read all that but it was very entertaining. -Zayda
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71.
Fun with Telemarketers
Gather round, gentlefolk! The ale is plentiful, the venison well roasted and the fire properly stoked. SwedishChef has yet another tale to tell!
And so it came to pass, lo these 8 weeks ago, that a call was received at the Maison du Chef. Said caller was a lady, and she congratulated Ms. Chef on winning a contest and all she had to do was show up at specified time and location, listen to a pitch and claim her prize. Now, Ms. Chef, not being gullible to sales pitches, did query about this "contest" and was informed that she had filled out a ballot in the past and had won. This was plausible, as Ms. Chef is wont to filling out contest ballots, so she jotted down the phone number for her husband to call back and get directions to the location for prize reception.
Our hero, the dauntless SwedishChef, did return from his daily toil that evening to his loving (and lovely) wife, and learned of the earlier phone call. Enquiring further, he learned that they were "guaranteed" to win one of FOUR prizes. Said prizes were a 42 inch TV. $1000 cash. 1 week stay in Florida. 1 weekend stay in Gravenhurst, Ontario (a rather upscale Inn, but the name is currently forgotten). Being overly skeptical by nature, our knight in shining armour had his doubts about the legitimacy of said prizes, but was willing to make the phone call.
Thus the call was placed, and a pleasant sounding female did deign to answer. Many queries were voiced by the lady, and duly answered by our hero. His name. His address. His marriage status, etc, etc, etc. Verily, it was a long list of questions, but our hero was patient and obliging. Summarily, the lady finished, and it was SwedishChef's time to pose queries. Within moments, our hero had learned that, truly, he would be granted one of the four prizes, simply by attending a "salespitch" and then drawing a prize from the barrel. Everyone in attendance would draw from the barrel, and there were multiples of each prize. He also determined their website to investigate the legitimacy of their company. ( www.canadianuniversal.com , for those who may care.)
In due course, the company representative did attempt to book a time for the attendance of SwedishChef and his wife. Sadly, the company is located in Mississauga, and SwedishChef works in Mississauga, so he did not wish to travel all the way home to Vaughan (45 minute trip in rush-hour traffic, for those of you not in the GTA) and back, just to have his wife by his side when he told them "No, I will not buy into your 'club', now give me my prize!" This is where the call gets nasty. For some reason, since the company has determined that there is a marriage, they demand that both parties be in attendance. Thus, the following discourse did take place:
SC: "Kind madam. Where are the rules to your contest posted? For I am in attendance at your virtual presence, and there are no listings for the contest rules."
Drone: "There are no rules posted anywhere."
SC: "Many thanks. I shall be in attendance alone, then."
Drone: "Nay, good sir. Yon wife must also attend!"
SC: "Pray, then, good lady, where are the rules that state such a stipulation?"
Drone: "Again, good sir, there are no rules posted."
SC: "Again, I submit that I shall be in attendance, solo, to claim our prize. Since there are no rules posted stating otherwise, you may not claim to the contrary!"
Drone: "Please hold" Moments later, the OWNER of the company (or so he claimed. And his name did match that listed on the website) did come on the line.
Repeat the above conversation, only with the manager, going back and forth over the salient points of "You must have your wife with you" and "Show me where it says that in your rules" and "We don't have any rules" followed by "Then she doesn't have to attend" "Yes, she does!" "No, she doesn't!" Rinse, lather, repeat ad nauseum, for 5 minutes, before I finally grow tired of toying with him and bring out the LART.
SwedishChef: "Good sir, you have repeatedly stated that you do not have rules posted, yet insist that I follow the rule that I MUST have my wife in attendance to listen to your sales pitch. Now, seeing as your are operating in the Province of Ontario, and claiming that we filled out a ballot for your contest, you MUST, under the Lottery and Gaming Act of Ontario, have posted RULES and REGULATIONS concerning the operation of your "contest". Without posting said rules and regulations in a public format, be it on your website, on a posterboard in your lobby, in an advertisement in one of the four daily newspapers, or in some other form easily accessible by the public, you are in contravention of the Lottery and Gaming Act of Ontario, which makes you guilty of a indictable offense (felony, for you Americans), punishable by fines in the several tens of thousands of dollars and/or jail time for you, the owner, and your board of directors. Now, are you going to show me said rules, or are you going to continue to insist that my wife be present when I attend your sales pitch?"
Would any of you intelligent, witty and good-looking readers be truly suprised that his response was:
*CLICK*
That, of course, is a rhetorical question.
[By: SwedishChef]
Comment on Story
Comments
So....You didn't go then? -Rabbitt
That was beautiful man. Just absolutely beautiful. I bow to your greatness in the Art of Lart. -Rabbitt
another standing ovation for the chef! Brilliant! -wolfprince
Actually, I did go to the appointment, alone. Got a free dinner. Then, they realized that my wife wasn't going to show, so they pulled me out and took me to a room and allowed me to make my prize draw. I "won" a week in Florida, but there were so many restrictions and silly rules that I just threw out the prize. But, the dinner was good, so I figure it wasn't a waste of time. -SwedishChef
I can't go home till I have had the Chef's Tale of the Day. My compliments to the Chef, today's tale was truly outstanding. -CSurfer
<announcer voice> YES BOB, Chef has won a FREE trip to Sunny FL.!!! (trip must be taken durring hurricane season, durring a "frog rain" storm, wearing alligator bait while swimming in the swamps. Pictures of chef and his Mrs must be taken wiht her wearing a purple tux, and him in a lavender tutu) </announcer voice> -wolfprince
Bravo, Chef!!! -hkypipe
Great Tale. Although if I'd been the "owner" there would have been a poster in the lobby saying "Rule 1: Your wife must attend" waiting for you. ;-) -PID1
another entertaining tale from the land of chef -rhiannon
Love the tale. Gotta try it. -namor
It*so* helps actually knowing the law. wondering if maby you should call teh cops anyway. -Dj
These are sp rampant here in the states. I did this one time, sat through the three hour spiel(more like a brainwashing session) and recieved...a cheapo charcoal grill made of tim or something similar. It broke the first time i used it. I didn't have to bring a wife since I wasn't married yet. What a con. -ewspy87
OK way tooo early to type, first I would like to say it was a great story chef, secondly the grill was not made from a man called tim but a metal called tin. Maybe if it were made from tim it would have lasted longer.(reminds me of texas chainsaw massacre) -ewspy87
very well played! -leonine
And when you "win" the vacation, what you really win is the "opportunity" to pay full price to stay at that resort. -thx1138
Great story! And I am constantly delighted and amazed that someone of Swedish descent can have such a command of the King's English. <g> -RiffRaff
Bork Bork Bork! </ducks LARTs>Nice one, though. -Veinor
A tale worthy of legend. Thy command of the Silver Tongue doth entreat awe in my humble self. <g> -Torinir
I have received this kind of call, and knowing what would happen my lovely spouse and I decided to make an evening of it to see how hardcore the sales pitch was. I would have to say it was worse than buying a car but we did get 2 nights/3 days at a lovely place in So. Lake Tahoe but had to go in the middle of the week. We declined their offer of a timeshare in Colorado at a ski resort. -Starfury
Where in FL was the vacation too? Just curious, I'm from down in FL. -JH
FOrget the lobby, post it on your basement after a set of broken stairs, inside the cupboard in a small locked bathroom that has a sign on the door reading "beware of the panther" -Bliss
You should have brought along your grandmother and claimed she was your wife! I would love to see the look on their faces if you did that, -mccallister
Another outstanding story from the Chef. I usualy skip over the long stories but for yours I make an exception. -rockytech
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72.
Jury Duty High Junks
Greetings one and all! Gather around the fire and grab your favourite fermented beverage! It is time once again for a tale from SwedishChef's past. This one is inspired by areatech's story from earlier today concerning Jury Duty.
So it came to pass that SwedishChef achieved legal voting age here in Canada (which is 18, for those who may not know). Approximately 2 months after reaching this numerical plateau, the SwedishChef did receive that wonderful, dreaded card summoning him to Jury Duty. He cursed the fates, but did fill out the questionaire and returned it as directed. Several of friends and family advised him that it was no big deal, and that he would not have to worry about anything, as it's rare to be called for duty.
Sadly, as is the case in most of these stories, they were wrong. 6 weeks later, the 'Chef received notice that he was to report to downtown Toronto to the local courthouse for possible selecttion. Thus begins his journey into Judicial Starfish Hell.
SwedishChef awoke at 6:30am on the prescribed day. Now, working an afternoon shift at a bookstore at this time, 6:30am was a most foul time to be awoken. Our hero then had to endure the daily Rush Hour commute on public transit. This turned out to be less of a problem than anticipated, which was nice. Our hero arrived at the courthouse and proceeded to the room that he was supposed to sit in. However, he discovered that he had forgotten his letter at home, and was directed to another room to replace it.
Our hero waited 20 minutes in this room before receiving his replacement letter. He was then directed back to the first room, where he waited again for another 30 minutes. Luckily, our hero was forewarned of this waiting period, and had 2 novels with him. It was now 9am. At this time, we were directed to an actual courtroom. Imagine, if you will, roughly 300 people crammed into the gallery section designed to seat 75 people. And, being spring, several people were in heavy coats.
Our hero, during this time, learned from one of his fellow potential jurors, that the trial was to be held in FRENCH! Being that french is our second official language, and that the case had been moved from Montreal to Toronto to find an unbiased jury pool, it is somewhat understandable. However, our hero had, at best, rudimentary french skills. But, this was not what bothered him. Nay! It was the fact that there were people in this room who were quite clearly newly landed immigrants. People from China. From India. From Pakistan. From Brazil. All countries of the globe! And most of them barely spoke english, let alone FRENCH!
Sigh. The group were then informed by the bailiff that the judge was running late, and they were directed to the cafeteria to eat and drink. At their own cost, of course. There our hero and the others remained for about 45 minutes, which, although boring, was at least cooler tha | | |
